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Regular gigging and its effects on relationships


sprocketflup
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Im not actually married to Mrs Flup, but may as well be, weve been together over twenty years. At the moment we have two children, a 6 year old girl and our son who is 2 and a half.

I had a break from playing for many years and took it up again around 3 years ago. Joined my current band shortly after that and had a few gigs around the country but not too many. Then this time last year, the band just took off. All of a sudden our gigs were getting busier and better quality venues wise and the list just grew and grew - and keeps on growing. We are all very pleased with whats been happening lately.

Except Mrs Flup. She is resenting the band more and more, with every gig that comes in seemingly. I have to almost beg just for a practice. With having the small children ( quite demanding ages) and us living far from any family that might have been able to lend a hand I can see where shes coming from.

But now that this ball is rolling I cant just stop it. Ive played my way towards being in this position for years, I am certainly not about to just throw it all in.

I am pretty sure Im not the only one that has found themselves here. How did/do you deal with it? Any tips would be gratefully appreciated.

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I get all sorts of grief!

What with regular gigging, practice once or twice a week, 48hrs full time work each week and two kids at home (9 week old and a 2 year old) I can kind of understand why she gets stressed, as I leave a lot for her to deal with at home... But...

Gigging and everything band related has really picked up, we've got more gigs booked in the first 6 months of this year than all of last year, two UK tours coming up and a good festival slot, so I don't plan on slowing down anytime soon to be honest.

My brother in law used to be the drummer, until he had his 2nd child and decided he couldn't be away so much, so that adds to making me look worse when she is angry too!

My justification is that it's my only escape, it's the only thing that getse out of the house. I don't drink much, don't smoke, don't do drugs, so it's my social life as much as it is anything else, and she wouldn't want me to be a shut in...

I hope you manage to find a solution, as I know how much of a pain it can be when you get lots of chew for playing gigs ;)

Edited by Wooks79
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Pretty much all the regularly gigging musicians I know are either single or have been divorced at least once, and it's the gigging that was always cited as the problem. When I was gigging the girl I was engaged to at the time gave me endless sh*t about it.

I remember reading somewhere a few years ago that the incidence of divorce amongst professional musicians is one of the highest there is.

Edited by RhysP
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I took 5 years off during the birth of our child before getting back into a band

First we did weekly rehearsals but now we a gigging we don't rehearse apart from once every 6 weeks, gigs are about 2 to 3 times a month, sometimes she comes. Sometimes not, but there is never any issue over it

She works retail and so I have our son more or less all weekend anyway and she gets days to herself in the week when he is at school

She told me to get back into it after watching mettalica at Glastonbury and then has done nothing but encourage since telling me to buy new rigs and new bass's

My previous missus was fine with it too, but that's because we were going to be rock and roll stars and she saw pound signs, didn't respond as well when we broke up and the singer started writing non to nice lyrics about her

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My wife doesn't mind as long as I'm earning money to put in the joint account. We're looking to buy a house when we can and the £6,000 I've brought in from gigs over the last couple of years helps!

But, the day she says she wants me to stay at home is the day I'll stop gigging. I'd much rather have a healthy relationship than pander over my own selfish desires. Some things are worth working for.

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As a lifelong musician who happens to be divorced I wouldn't wish to put my past situation into other people's lives but if it was me I'd find some shared interest and listen to my partner. My current partner (a keeper) is happy with my 3 bands at present but if that were to change I'd certainly scale it back. I know a lot of guys who are out several nights a week and then suddenly from nowhere the relationship is over. Mine was 17yrs down the line and undoubtedly I always put music before her. I don't regret that (with her at least) but I certainly paid for that choice in the end. Best of luck working it through.

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my wife accepted from the beginning that i will be out a couple of times a week doing music, and have been on tours and it hasn't caused us any issues.

we both have our hobbies, so we are not reliant on being together all the time. we accept any money we spend on our hobbies as long as they don't come ahead of paying our bills.

its probably easier that we don't have kids, but even if we did, she recognises that music is my escape and stopping me from doing it is worse

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I can understand some of the issues especially if there are children involved. If you are out a lot of nights and missing time at home because of a hobby then perhaps she has a point.

In my case, my better half and I share a similar simple point of view when it comes to gigging and playing. If the jobs around the house get done and I either break even or make money playing which goes towards us as a couple normally, then there isn't a problem.

The minute I don't make money playing is when I will probably pack it in anyway. I have no interest in going out to practice every week and doing crappy gigs for £20 down the local and sacrificing quality time with the missus.

I bet if you put your gig money tone side and it paid towards a big chunk of a holiday for you and the kids, she might take a better view of you being out with the band.

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The only time it's been a problem being in a band was when my last band started practising on Sundays during the day. I work Saturdays so Sunday is time with the kids and Mrs. Mrs Marvin hated and to be honest so did I. When the idea was raised with my current band to practice sundays during the day I simply didn't entertain it.

It's all about getting the balance right. I enjoy being in a band but me personally i don't it consuming all my time and nor does the wife

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Small children can make any relationship rocky, at times. Without knowing more of your situation, I can only generalize. Forgive me if I offend in any way.

Look, from your perspective, you're working hard, doing what you love, and getting paid to do it. From her perspective, you're out having fun WITH ADULTS, while she's trapped at home with two teeny weenies with all the responsibilities of a single mother when you're away. I'm not saying that it's fair that she's feeling this way but, when push comes to shove, I'm guessing she's feeling trapped in her situation without you there. Deep down, I don't think she wants you to change. What I DO think she wants is for you to recognize her sacrifice, for you to find appropriate and genuine ways of showing her how much you appreciate that sacrifice, for you to support her willingly and happily when she needs time to herself, or when she needs time with you. Marriage is hard work, to be sure. But it is infinitely easier if both partners feel that the other is pulling their weight in the responsibilities department. She's already had time to build up resentment. It will take time for that resentment to cool -- but it will.

One last thing before I end this missive, never forget that she's the one who is answering your children's question: "Where is daddy tonight?" Do you want them to hear their mother tell them that: "Daddy is off working hard for us. He really wishes he could be here with us now but he can't, so make him feel extra special when you see him tomorrow." OR, do you want them to hear: "Your father is off with his friends having fun. He doesn't have any time for us." Daughters and sons learn from their father what it means to be the "man of the house." Just what are they learning from you?

Make her feel appreciated. Go more than the extra mile in sacrificing your free time so she can remember what it's like being an adult without having children grabbing at her leg or feeling that she needs to immediately respond to a whiney voice. You married this woman knowing what was expected of you. You brought children into this world knowing how much would be demanded of you. I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue your dream. What I am saying is that you should do everything you can to show her how much you appreciate what she is sacrificing of her own dreams while you pursue yours.

Best of luck to you and your family.

<><Peace

Edited by dadofsix
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My girlfriend supports me in all my playing. She's got two brothers that are different class when it comes to playing guitar and they both get a hard time from their wives every time they have to gig. The gigs are a lot harder to come by these days up this way right enough, plus I work away for long periods, so maybe she's just used to me being away.
I had a girlfriend years ago, that moaned constantly about me playing, but she was happy to take the money I made. It paid for a Caribbean holiday for the two of us!

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[quote name='RhysP' timestamp='1424639902' post='2698699']
Pretty much all the regularly gigging musicians I know are either single or have been divorced at least once, and it's the gigging that was always cited as the problem. When I was gigging the girl I was engaged to at the time gave me endless sh*t about it.

I remember reading somewhere a few years ago that the incidence of divorce amongst professional musicians is one of the highest there is.
[/quote]

I was curious about this, and checked it out.

http://www.businessinsider.com/highest-divorce-rates-by-profession-2010-9?op=1&IR=T

Dancers and Choreographers come top of the list.

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You've got to be sensible about it. There is work to be done and that needs time set aside, but the balance you find
must because you've both determined what it is...
There is no point killing the the goodwill ( ie, she accepts it so far ) so be reasonable about it.

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Mrs C supports me in my musical endeavours and if she didn't we wouldn't be together... We are both adults with no children so if either of us are unhappy we can just leave, I'd much rather she left me than tried to make me into something I'm not.

Having said that, if we had children I'd give up playing out in bands altogether as I would want to be doing my fair share of parenting duites. I'd never expect her to look after the kids all the time whilst I was out gigging. Obviously if music was my job there would be a compromise, but as I'm just playing for fun I'd have no issues packing it in if I had more serious responsibilities elsewhere.

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I have a very understanding wife. She has always supported my playing but 25 years ago, with 2 young kids, a demanding day job and a house that was in need of some serious DIY to make it habitable for a young family, she asked me to quit the band.

I was the only married guy, the only one with a family and the band was becoming very successful. We were gigging every weekend and towards the end did 10 days straight. It was a pro band pretending to be semi pro and I knew she was right. So after fighting the decision for a couple of months I quit. It was the worst thing I could have done for my playing career, which never really recovered, but it was the best thing to do for her.

If I'd had any sense I'd have made that decision long before she asked me but I'm selfish and it was a great band.

Edited by chris_b
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