"He'd rather not play than compromise his playing or equipment choice" red flag.
I've been in the fortunate position to play with some pretty amazing top-tier drummers as I am sure many BassChatters have. Some of the best have not necesarily been the ones who know their way round the kit, but know their way around the environment. They listen and react as part of the group and do what is necessary to sound the best. For the sound, the band and the song.
Adding to the suggestions (other than simply learning how to control ones dynamics which is half their battle it seems) a friend of mine had a kit set up especially for pub and small venue gigs. It was a 'recording' kit versus what could be termed as a 'live' kit. It sounded absolutely amazing, but did not even remotely sound as loud as his live alternative. The bell brass snare stayed at home, that's for sure! The cymbals (Bosphorous) too had a richer more lush sound versus those designed to be leathered (you know those Paiste ones from the 90's lol) and his choice of skins cut down on excessive ring and transients in favour of colour and tone. Interestingly, it meant that we ended up hearing more 'textured' playing from the kit even though we both grew up a pair of metal heads. Think more Gavin Harrison ..
In my current band, our on stage volume is such that we can talk loudly and still communicate mid-song. My drummer has a wonderful sense of self-control and knows how to deliver song dynamics that add to the experience. We then leave a really nice PA to do the heavy lifting.