Happy Jack

So Marylebone would become Marbun and Herstmonceux would be Herkymoo? Works for me.

The step up from a Kala is not likely to be significant, I'd have thought. I stepped down from a Kala to a Harley Benton and was quite surprised (and pleased) at how little I'd lost. Since you can't really play it acoustically, by the time you've fed a bass uke with flobbadob strings through a preamp and a PA, there ain't a lot of the underlying sound to hear. IMHO. YMMV. WTF.

Is that a 3/4 bass? Did you experiment with different strings? I'm thinking that string choice for an aluminium bass will be rather different than for a ply bass.

So I guess Lemmy's old band should have been Mo-teurgh-head?

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/vintage-double-bass-bow-Snakewood-GB-Lecchi-Genova-1952-18ct-White-Gold/142695303556?hash=item21394d8984:g:s6YAAOSw6DtYVSmU

You might want to try that in London, Blue. It's quite large really.

Thank you for all your good wishes for my recovery. In a bizarre stroke of luck, the PA pole fell in such a way that, with my back to it (I was adjusting my amp), although I didn't see it coming the speaker missed my head and the pole fell against my shoulder. Comfortable it was not, and you can hear Silvie shriek my name to warn me since it really did look lethal, but in fact I was completely unharmed, Paul the Drums leapt up to take the PA back upright, and we launched straight into Delilah.

The guy in the dark top? Underneath the falling PA? That would be me then ...

Early last year, penultimate song. This is a 9-minute video. If you can't be arsed to watch it all, just watch the last 30 seconds ...

God, if I had a fiver for every time I've heard that line, or a variant on it. I'd have have several fivers by now.

Really wasn't sure whether or not to post this one, since there never was an actual audition. This one crashed and burned before ever getting that far! The advert was for what was clearly going to be a Dad-rock outfit playing in Herts. and the only really off-putting thing was that the guy wanted to rehearse on Friday nights, which struck me as very odd. What follows is verbatim, although I've changed all names. Yes, I really did keep a record of this. Day #1 Are you fixed on Friday night rehearsals? What other night do you suggest Anything that isn't a gig night, i.e. not Friday or Saturday. Personally, I can do any day except Tuesday evening. Trying to get a Thursday night at the rehearsal rooms but so is every one else lol sorry forgot to ask where you live mate I'm in Sudbury Hill, Harrow. We mainly rehearse in kings Langley and three live in Hemel Hempstead one in Barnet, I know Sudbury Hill used to go to the rising sun Hah! I lived in Highfield for years. Have you guys got any YouTube you can share? No nothing on youtube mate are you still interested we rehearse at Debras in KL KL is not a problem, rehearsals on a Friday would be! Got to be worth an initial hookup though, see if we work well. What's your set list? I'm in the middle of reorganising it 6 rock n roll up to stuck in the middle, proud Mary, cocaine, one I love make me smile, honky tonk, black magic woman, killing floor, new rehearsal, still got the blues for you, no love in the city, human, hope your still interested, There's obviously a few more but that's the heart of it oh yeah free bird Human? Rag and bone man, recently a hit, LLL Not Human League then ... No mate LOL OK, most of those I can play without prep time so a first hookup still makes sense. When do you want to do this? Waiting to hear from the rehearsal rooms for a Thursday mate Did you like Human It's OK. Not sure how it fits with Killing Floor or Stuck In The Middle, mind ... How do you plan to sell/promote this band to venues? am gonna get Robert lead guitar to talk to you have to get on with Sunday mate will talk later, LLL OK, I'm around all day. Later that day I take a call from Robert, a lovely chap, very easy to talk to, happy to share. He has some contacts at well-known local venues and will be the chief gig-getter, he sounds like someone I'll have no trouble being in a band with. He is as puzzled about Friday night rehearsals as I am, and agrees that it's a silly night to be in a rehearsal studio. Day #2 Hi jack, how does Thursday week sound, can't get a rehearsal room Thursday this week, LLL Thursday is fine. Where and what time? What keys do you play those songs in? Which version of Black Magic Woman do you do? Could you ring Robert please Spoke to him yesterday, is this a new call? Sorry what is a new call, same guy No worries. Hi Jack, hope you didn't think I was being rude, LLL. No! We're all good. See you in 10 days, but do confirm where and when, OK? {post code} Ta. Should be 7 to 11 mate I call Robert and he starts taking me through the set list. It's completely different from the one that LLL has given me. Instead of the 12 songs listed by LLL, Robert lists 30 more songs with no common theme at all and which seem to have been picked with a pin. When I ask him about the 12 that LLL listed for me, most are greeted with the proverbial sharp intake of breath followed by "I thought we'd agreed to drop that" or "he hasn't mentioned that one" or "but he knows we can't do that with this line-up". Day #6 Hi Steve, as you come off the roundabout you take the first on the left and immediately first gate on the right, the gate is normally open, the rehearsal rooms are tucked away to your left, see you late mate, LLL Wrong guy, LLL. Jack Sorry mate still ready for next week Yup. I'm a half wit nothing to do with my age lol Day #11 Are we still good for tomorrow? Do I need to bring a bass rig? Yes please to both mate OK, I'm struggling to find this place. I can't find Debras on Google, and Maps says that {post code} is a Wedding Car hire place! Where exactly am I coming to? Kings Langley, Watford I know that, I used to work in Watford and live in Hemel. What's the name & address of the place I'm coming to? Will sort it soon, couple of hours I'm up to my eyes at moment {obscure streetname} lane {post code} how's that mate I don't think Debra advertise's [The lane in question is a mile-long country lane leading to a dead end, with yards and properties all along both sides, a sort of rural industrial area.] Sorry LLL, I don't think God intended us to be in the same band. Don't want to waste anyone's time so I reckon I'll just back away now.

Unless it's flickering, and smoke is coming out of it, of course.

And then of course, sometimes the words get in the way: We are a new band project searching for a Bass player to complete our line-up. Our strongest common musical links bring together Simple Minds , Duran Duran, Gary Numan and Foo Fighters and New Order. We are currently Vocals, Guitar and Drums, collectively with a genuine degree of experience on stage and studio. Tracks are recorded for a first product - a full collaboration/interpretation on current and future music is put forward. What on earth does that load of cobblers actually mean? And good luck with combining Duran Duran, Gary Numan and Foo Fighters ...

Good grief! A happy ending!

I prefer your 'technophone' hashtag thingy ... I guessed that meant someone who listens to technology.

They used to do that to Vox AC30s too. Allegedly.

Dreamers I can cope with, nothing wrong with dreamers. Fantasists? Well that's a whole nother thang.

Yes, I sometimes shout out "1 2 3 4" really loudly, too.

Which is why Lennon and McCartney chose - consciously - not to study music during the 60s.

Acton Unusually, this time it is me who placed the advert. Dispirited by how many auditions for other peoples' projects have turned out to be fiascos, I decide to try starting a band myself. With a drummer friend ready so that we have a decent rhythm section to build on, I advertise for a vocalist - guitarists are easier to find. Once I've weeded out the obvious flakes & fantasists by email, I'm left with one decent candidate for the role, so I invite him to my studio in Acton for a try-out. He's keen to accept, and he also knows a really great guitarist he'd like to bring along. He sends me some links. MMM, the vocalist, has some YouTube showing him doing a pretty impressive Van Morrison at some sort of open mic, he seems to be an intense, focused sort of person. VVV, the guitarist, is apparently an American now based in London, whose self-published album (recorded in New York) is available on Spotify and contains some very nice guitar work. When the two of them arrive at the studio MMM is very much as he appeared on YouTube. VVV isn't, and things go all to stinky poo very quickly. Actually he isn't American, and his name isn't VVV. He's a Spaniard called JJJ. Huh? What's going on here then? It turns out he loves Americana so much that he'd wanted to record his first album in the States, under an American pseudonym. OK, so far so weird. We try to play a simple blues and it very quickly becomes obvious that JJJ (the artist formerly known as VVV) is no great shakes as a guitarist. In fact, he's pretty rubbish. He explains that he didn't know the song. Erm ... it's a blues mate. What's to know? We try another song. Same result. Well if you can't play those because you don't know them, why not tell us a blues that you DO know. "Fine", he says, "let's play Red House". We wait for the famous guitar intro and ... he plays something completely different. We ask him, what are you playing? He says, I'm playing Red House. No, we say, you're not. Ah, he says, maybe this is a different song called Red House. Game over. Insert new coin. As we're packing up I ask JJJ about his album, and how he'd set about recording it. Simple. He'd recruited a bunch of NY session musicians to play on it. That, plus a decent sound engineer, had produced quite a good album. Having shoo'd the pair of them out of the studio and then wet ourselves laughing, I call MMM the next day and ask if he'd like to meet for a beer. I explain that there's no future for any band with JJJ in it, but that we haven't had a chance to hear what he, MMM, can do. Would he like to come back for another try, this time without his mate JJJ? He accepts the offer, so I call up an old friend to play guitar for us and we set the date. MMM arrives and we play the first song. I wasn't wrong about his Van Morrison persona - he's got that whole Brown-Eyed Girl thing down to a T. We play another song. It sounds ... erm ... just like the first one, that strange barking, almost-coughing delivery, very gruff, very distinctive. Very repetitive. As long as we're playing material that works with the that vocal style, it's sort-of OK. When we try a pop song it just doesn't work. When we try a gentle blues it's horrible. We point this out to him and suggest that he tries a different style occasionally. He reacts badly, says that's the only style he can sing, in fact we get the impression that he's not even aware that other singing styles actually exist. All very odd. The session breaks up in some disarray and it's not looking good. Next morning, MMM emails me to apologise for both his performance and his attitude. He explains that he has a serious problem with autism and is at the far end of the spectrum, but that he's being treated for it. Incidentally, he has now signed a recording contract (!) with an agency looking for new talent, and would the three of us like to be his backing band? I make my apologies and leave ...

Park Royal HHH is the guitarist who placed the advert. This is an established 3-piece that has been playing around London and the Home Counties for many years. Their long-standing bass player is retiring to the South Coast later in the year so they're getting ready for that by recruiting his replacement. This isn't technically an audition. HHH has already come to see me play (and sing) with the other pub rock band I play in, he knows exactly how capable I am, and he wants me to dep for two gigs he has coming up later in the month where the current bass player can't make it. Those two gigs will effectively be my 'real' audition. HHH has been very professional indeed. I've been supplied with full set lists for the two gigs, plus good-quality mp3s of the band playing all those 36 songs live, and he's been quick to give me very comprehensive answers to any questions I've asked. It's all looking good. With 36 songs to get gig-ready from a standing start I've invested a lot of home practice time. By the time I get to the studio I'm pretty ready. There are a few songs where I don't feel 100% confident but in the main I'm pretty happy. The session goes well, but there are some worrying straws in the wind. First, By God but they're LOUD! We're in a small rehearsal room and they have the PA, drums and amps cranked up to volume levels that I've rarely even gigged at. Second, HHH has really very fixed views on how each song's bass part should go, and it usually comes down to straight eights played with a pick. He doesn't want me to play fingerstyle, he's "not a big fan of arpeggios" (that's an actual quote) and he doesn't much like shuffle beats. Now I'm not used to being told how to play bass by a guitarist, but with so little time and so much material I decide not to argue about it. There'll be time enough later. Third? Oh yes, there's a third. HHH and the drummer have played together for 40 years. The two of them are like [cliche alert] an old married couple. They're virtually telepathic, complete each other's sentences, and will never be able to form a balanced band with an incoming bass player. Oh dear. Two days later the band is playing an Irish pub in Finchley with their current bass player. My wife and I go along to check them out. An old drummer I used to play with is a local so we call him and invite him to join us. The three of us sit there watching, and I am struck by how many of the songs have the lead vocals taken by the bass player. HHH has mentioned how important my BVs will be, but not that he himself is not actually the lead vocalist most of the time. Meanwhile a strange expression has come over Mick's face. He yells a couple of questions in my ear and then starts laughing. At the break he explains to us that he was in a band with HHH a few years back. "He's a complete bastard, and utterly mental" he says. "Absolute control freak, totally ruthless - just watch yourself". Then he leaves, still laughing. HHH comes over to ask me what Mick has just said about him. I tell him the truth. He laughs and seems quite unaffected by it. Our first gig together is a social club north of London on the Friday night. The band's PA is strictly 1980s ... two huge, heavy tops mounted on stands built (apparently) from scaffolding poles, and all of that on stage with us where it takes up perhaps a third of the frontage. I ask why we don't put the stands on the floor in front of the stage and get put in my place quite sharply with a load of bollocks about health & safety. The drummer brings in his shells, then his traps case, then his cymbals case, then his second traps case, then his second cymbals case. He's brought in enough kit to outfit three rehearsal rooms. He starts building a truly magnificent rig, including three floor toms, five rack toms and at least eight cymbals of varying sizes and shapes. A third PA stand with a large top now materialises at the back of the stage to the right of the drummer, apparently for (very loud) on-stage monitoring. This contributes to the drummer drifting his kit over to his left, thus pushing me against the wall where I'm standing under one of the PA tops. All sorts of alarm bells are ringing by now. My wife sets up her recording gear - she videos all the gigs my bands play. HHH sees this and delivers a lecture to the effect that nothing, nothing at all gets online unless he approves it. Hmmmm. We play the gig. My playing is fine. Not brilliant, but I'm always where I'm supposed to be and it will all sound fine to the audience. I drop a few minor clangers, as you might expect, but that's nothing compared to the list of cockups by HHH. He is clearly very uncomfortable at having to do all the lead vocals and that's spilling over into his guitar playing, which is all over the place. After the gig, the band breaks down and loads out in almost complete silence. Not a good sign. The next night we play another social club, this time south of London. The gig is virtually a carbon copy of Friday in every respect. On Sunday morning I'm in the queue at Sainsbury when my mobile rings. It's HHH. He tells me that I'm hopeless, my bass playing is "going backwards fast", it's just not going to work out, and they're going back to their previous bass player. He's clearly forgotten that I have a complete video recording of both gigs and he doesn't. I think we both know where the blame really lies. On looking at the footage carefully, I realise that the drummer never actually plays most of that enormous kit. It's just there for show. Frankly, I consider this one a bullet dodged. It was always going to end in tears.