skankdelvar

I'd be be perfectly satisfied with architect Richard Rogers in a Ted Baker blazer

There is much to admire about the 'explosion in a Swarovski crystal factory' approach but it would clash with my intention to pair the instrument with a stage costume comprising white tie and tails, this in keeping with my plans for a one man Fred Astaire tribute act. Tappa tappa!

This is broadly where we're headed...

All blinging will be reversible

Update: I've shimmed the neck to drop the action a touch, tweaked the relief and filed the nut a bit lower. It was already a nice easy player but now it's exactly how I want it. Sorting the intonation required the Telecaster compromise where one string is very slightly flat at the 12th and the other similarly sharp. Maybe a cent or two out and therefore not audibly a problem. IMO, 2-saddle bridges not a problem (for me). So half an hour's work and it's spot on for my purposes. Other things: immaculate paint job; really nice neck profile with a pleasant satin finish; smooth and tidy fret ends; supposedly 'cheapo' tuners actually feel perfectly solid. Minor issues: a bridge plate screw is slightly squint and the neck pocket's a bit rough. Slight fret buzz at 11 on the G but I won't often be going up the dusty end. That's the geometry sorted. Next step, the sonics, then bling it up. Still happy

No. But I have some of these:

I attach a recent photograph:

Two whole decades after my last bass guitar purchase I've finally lashed out and increased my collection by 100%. But - you ask - what can it be? A classy Fodera? A Wal? An original stack-knob Jazz with OHSC?

Matt sold me a lovely little Bronco in mint condition. Great comms, bass shipped with lightning speed and the best packed item I've ever received - bomb-proof box, polystyrene bracing, bubble wrap and expanded foam. Even my missus was impressed. hooky_lowdown is a credit to our forum and a complete gentleman

I was thinking more Ron Jeremy.

Ah, yes, poor dear Polly. Full of life, a laugh like champagne on a summer's afternoon and a twinkling eye for the tour electricians. Terrible what happened to her. 'Accidentally' snorked some of Tony's ketamine stash and passed out on the dressing floor, her face pressed against a discarded copy of The Guardian. First thing she saw when she came round was an Alan Rusbridger think-piece on social equity and she became a completely different person.

Ah! The one he used to call 'The Dominator'.

Genuinely never heard that one before but based on what we already know it makes perfect sense.

Looking at that pic, one realises that J-P J is actually a tiny little bloke. PS: for those enamoured of the Bass V, some of its DNA can be found in the Squier Gary Jarman bass. Shame they stuck a set of boring old P pick-ups on it. This cries out for something weird.

I do not know, though I expect that an unsung inventor came up with something similar in 1927 but lost it on the bus on the way to the patent office. I just like the look of the Bass V, much as I do many of Fender's orphan designs (e.g. Musiclander, Electric XII)

Yes, but there's a price. Charity Appeal This is Bayu Megawatti. He's 12 years old and he works 18 hours a day, seven days a week in an Indonesian Emoji mine. His parents sold him to the mining company and he hasn't been back to his village for nearly 18 months. Bayu's daily diet is half a ham sandwich and a glass of water. If you think that Bayu's story is unacceptable in the 21st Century then send all your money to: Del Var Helping Hands, PO Box 63, Salisbury SP6 7FU

Now you've made a 16 year-old girl cry. You unfeeling bastard.

At a time when our fragile planet is facing a Climate Emergency it ill behoves us to spray emoticons hither and yon with wild abandon. I know that everyone's very excited and I do not wish to be a 'party pooper' but emoticons are widely acknowledged as contributing to increases in carbon dioxide and - as such - free, drifting emoticons put polar bears in the gravest of peril. Please remember this when your fingers edge towards the Emoji button. That is all.

Tony Goggle is a bass player of almost mythical status who for unaccountable reasons is a name familiar only to members of BassChat. The facts of Mr Goggle's life emerge on an intermittent basis and in no chronological order. Over the years fellow Goggle fans @Rich @ped @Kiwi and I have attempted with scant success to separate truth from rumour. About the only thing everyone agrees on is that Goggle's career peaked when in 1970 he formed the short-lived 'experimental' power trio Slack Mattress. Goggle's egregious tactlessness, his unconfined sexual drive and his monstrous appetite for recreational narcotics and strong liquor established the paradigm for rock musicians past and (not so much) present. Some of us believe that Mr Goggle should enjoy wider fame but he has never given an interview we can find nor has he been photographed. Recent reports suggest that Mr Goggle is currently in hiding, this in response to the tragic events surrounding 'The Ten Million Watt Comeback Gig' at Devizes Corn Exchange earlier this year.

I'm glad you brought this up. It's been puzzling me too but I didn't like to say anything for fear of causing offence.

IIRC, Tony Goggle bought Dave Alexander's Mosrite after Dave was fired from the Stooges in 1970 and got someone in London named Sam (Stan?) to fix a reverse bow in the neck.

Yes, but in a way that's like taking a digital picture of a painting. The other problem is that many of the original session recordings may have been lost over the years. Even if the sessions were available they could be re-mastered but the act of mastering contributes to the totality of the piece and how does one reproduce the decisions made by the mastering engineer? OK, I'm going to stop now before I turn into the BBC's Arts Correspondent and uber-pseud Will Gompertz

Ah, but will they? With this question burning in my mind I telephoned my close personal friend the New York music lawyer Mr Wolf J Flywheel. Our conversation proceeded as follows: Me: Wolf? It's me, Skank ... Flywheel: Whaddyawant ya Limey fag? Me: About this Universal masters fire ... Flywheel: Get the f*ck outta here! Ain't got time to talk, too busy filing a class action against those f*ckin' schlemiels Me: Based on what? Flywheel: Who cares? It's a bonanza. Now scram, shitbird, I got plaintiffs to depose (Ends)

Trouble is, one can't own something that's been destroyed and therefore doesn't exist. Which kind of goes to the nub of Universal's problem, particularly if these masters were counted as assets on the company's books.