Leonard Smalls

I'm currently enjoying Dizraeli and the Small Gods (Folk rapper from Bristol) and Jambinai (Korean metal soundscapes) as well as all the usual PFunk, jazz and Suicidal Tendencies stuff...

I remember Lux Interior of the Cramps flopping out his wee boaby both times I saw them...

Anyone know if it's possible to use Future Impact as a VST?

Surprised nobody's mentioned the fabled Wendy O. Williams of Plasmatics and "on-stage antics" fame...

They threw "The Golden Condom" into the crowd, saying that whoever caught it would be expected to come on stage, cavort with their nude dancer, then go backstage with her. Nobody made any effort to catch it - there was a rush to get out of the way as if someone had thrown a human turd. One poor drunk fellow was ushered towards it by his "mates" - he picked it up and was pushed on stage to be grabbed by the dancer. As he suddenly realised what was happening a terrified look came over his little beardy face, and there was a huge sigh of collective relief from the audience. Last we saw of the unfortunate sap was him holding onto the (male) guitarist in an effort to stop the dancer dragging him backstage. Makes the (male) stripper we had once at the Marquee look like CBeebies!

I've seen the Chilli Peppers during their only a sock phase... I've also played a gig in naught but a codpiece fashioned from a heavy duty rubber glove... But the band that does much more than take the biscuit is Rockbitch. I've never seen a few thousand bikers, patch club members and Hell's Angels look so scared!

Problem we have is that we're a quite, er, uncompromising, punkfunk band with political lyrics, shouty female singer and far too much bass. Which is definitely a bit niche for our "town" (it's only a town as it used to have a market, but still has a livestock sale); venue-wise we've got 2 pubs which occasionally have an open mic night, even more occasionally have a covers band, and rather tellingly, have a popular "dance" hosted by "Lady DJ"... Nearby (well 1/2 an hour away) we've got Bishops Castle, which has lots of gigs in its 2 music-type pubs but they're almost exclusively blues or (due to lots of local hippies - it is the Borders!) ska/reggae; there's Ludlow which has almost no music scene (just very occasional what-you-expect covers and slightly more frequent jazz standards) then there's Leominster which has a lively little venue with a good crowd where we've played a few times, though it's an absolute max of 50 people in there. In Newtown/Llandrindod/Welshpool there's virtually nothing bar ABBA tributes and the like - they wouldn't have us and we'd be canned off! Shrewsbury and Hereford are getting on for an hour away, with Hereford being the better place due to lots of students - we go down very well there, especially if it's a punky audience who maybe like a bit of Rage/Faith/GangOfFour. So maybe our best option is to do a bit of each, but only do b) gigs if it's a venue frequented by students or is on the punk scene which has a turn-up-on-spec audience. Either that or we bite the bullet and start with smooth jazz in Ludlow...

I tried that with a previous band... But as our home"town" is less than 2000 people there's not an enormous audience pool. Add to that the fact that for a large number of those who do go out the ideal gig is The Wurzels meant that about 50 people turned up, at £3 each, for a gig that cost nearer to £600 to put on. I can see it working as a strategy in a bigger town though!

I've done quite a few of all of them, including a few B)s where after a 2 hour drive you do the gig in front of 4 punters, then you drive home having pocketed £50, all of which goes into the petrol tank... Does playing this type of gig actually harm the band, in that it (perhaps subconsciously) makes the promoter think " this band won't bring in a crowd, I won't book them again!"?

Imagine you're in a relatively new originals band... Many will know there's very little (if any!) money in it when you're just starting out. Not only that but audiences can be very hard to come by. So which is best? a) a headline gig quite locally at a venue you've played before and know there'll be a bit of an appreciative crowd, but there's virtually no money in it apart from a few free beers b) a headline gig at a good venue 1.5 hours drive away where you've never played or even been to, so you've got no idea if any punters will turn up to see a band they've never heard of, fee covers your fuel plus a few beers c) a support at a good venue more than 2 hours drive away, you know the headline band will pull in a large crowd but the fee barely covers your fuel cost Is it better to try and get your self known by plugging away purely locally, or cast the net a bit wider in the hope that someone will turn up, or hope that someone else's audience will like you and spread the word?

Had a couple of hours free so I thought I'd flop something funky'n'odd out 😎 Bass is all my 1982 Wal custom, apart from the phat keyboard bass.

Indeed. I always found microdots helped!

Aye! Here's me back in the early days with Stars, when my mate was managing them and they decided they needed a bass player for a gig - they were supporting us at a village hall in Shropshire... Nothing like making it up on the spot with only a very vague idea of what the chords are!

Indeed! Rock'n'roll is often the safe choice that mother would never warn you about. However, this is funky as feck and is how Metallica should have sounded should they have taken on Les, got rid of Hetfield and Lars then given Buckethead, Bernie a Brain a call!

I suspect those poor Planet Rock chaps think that guitar solos are only ever done by long-haired fellows playing in pretty standard late 60s/70s rock bands, plus those who later imitated them. So they would never have looked to funk or jazz for some serious widdle-fests; frinstance, they could have got some kudos by name-checking Mike Stern's solo on Miles Davis' "Fat Time". Or Mark Hicks and Danny Webster's guitar work on "Slide" by Slave... Never mind that anything ever done by David Fiucynzski makes Slash look like a beginner doing Smoke On't Watter in a music shop! Then there's "Maggot Brain"!

I've just bought a Gruvgear solo from BassDirect... Once you've sorted the slightly fiddley screw fixings it's incredibly comfy - no pain at all from my heavy Wal! And it's made of neoprene and plastic.

The bridge cover comes in handy as an armoured codpiece for those rougher gigs...

Can't stand REM. But Jane's Addiction are another story!

Exactly! What's Champeg? Is it sparkling advocaat?

Ssshhhh! They're Yankee designed watts. Or at least watts designed by an employee of a Yankee company. Or more truthfully watts designed by an employee of what used to be a good ol' Yankee company, until it was taken over by Harman International, who also used to be a good ol' Yankee company until they were bought by Samsung.

Funnily enough I play bass guitar and use a Crown power amp... But having gone to Markbass speakers for lightness (the band just never seem to be around when my gear goes in or out!) it seemed wise to not buy a Macrotech, but an XLS. Not only can I lift it with one hand, but it still pumps out 1550 good 'ol Yankee watts. So my back's happy, and my drummer and guitarist are easily silenced!

Can't go wrong with the various Bill Laswell/Bernie/Bootsy thangs, like Praxis or Axiom Funk:

I was forced (not at knife-point obvs...) to play piano as a kid - got as far as grade 7 - but always preferred what the left hand was doing. Then a m8 of mine in 6th form took up bass and joined a band. He let me have a go and I thought it was much cooler than playing classical piano, especially as I'd also got into The Funk by then. So I went to uni, borrowed a m8's acoustic 6 string guitar to learn the notes on and 3 months later was in a band with a borrowed shortscale Gibson.