Create your own snake oil!

[Rich]

[quote name='Fat Rich' post='1199135' date='Apr 14 2011, 10:30 AM']This sounds suspiciously like my E.L.B.O.W. system. You will be hearing from my solicitors Crunn, Bannister & Bloodnok shortly.[/quote]
The similarity is ironic, as a lot of people can't tell the one system from the other.
But yeah, bring it on. Direct all correspondence to my solicitors Messrs. Sue, Grabbit & Runn.

EDIT: also, your user name is very obviously a parody of mine, so I shall be filing a counter-suit.

[ThomBassmonkey]

[quote name='EBS_freak' post='1197361' date='Apr 12 2011, 09:33 PM']I've read about a few people on here breaking strings. I have come up with a one string bass. It means that there are less strings to break, therefore less of a problem. I've seen Sandbergs 2 string bass... this is better![/quote]

Sadly it's already been done. [url="http://www.bas-extravaganza.nl/?page=bassen&BassenID=26"]http://www.bas-extravaganza.nl/?page=bassen&BassenID=26[/url]

Some good ideas here though, I'll be in contact with the patent office over the next few days stealing some of them..

By the way, did you hear that if you want a fat bass tone, you should smear lard over your speakers? A good coating dulls the high end but still lets the punch through.

[squire5]

I think I may have discovered a way for dedicated fretless players to play in tune ALL the time.What you do is get some thin wire from your local hardware store and then,using a ruler,mark the positions on the neck where the notes should be.Then,using a hacksaw,cut some fine grooves in the neck from side to side just slightly up from the note position.then using some glue,stick pieces of the wire into these grooves,and cut off the ends,using some scissors.Using your fingers,press down between the fillets of wire,and ,hey presto,you will hear a note that corresponds to the note that you wanted in the first place.Using your eyes,look and make sure that the fillets of wire are straight.This also results in making the leg of the guitar look much more interesting.

[xgsjx]

Here's a better 2 stringer.

[Ou7shined]

[quote name='xgsjx' post='1200416' date='Apr 15 2011, 10:59 AM']Here's a better 2 stringer.
[/quote]
Love the coverage from that Bart.

[xgsjx]

I think they spent too much time getting the frets straight!
They should've used the 2 parts of a P p/u separately.

[Ou7shined]

[quote name='xgsjx' post='1200432' date='Apr 15 2011, 11:06 AM']I think they spent too much time getting the frets straight![/quote]
Haha yes.
Interestingly (subjective) it doesn't matter if they are straight or not on a 1 string.

[quote name='xgsjx' post='1200432' date='Apr 15 2011, 11:06 AM']They should've used the 2 parts of a P p/u separately.[/quote]
Totally, and they could have been laid laterally so they blend in with the darker wood.

[bassbloke]

After visiting a hippy friend of mine recently I gave some thought to the possiblity of my bass tone being adversely affected by the fact that my cables' chakras were not properly aligned. So, we are goign to launch a special service where you bring your cables to us and we will use them as props in tantric sex rituals , to imbue them wit positive energy before your big gig. We'll also clean the jizz and sh*t off them when we've finished.

[xgsjx]

[quote name='Ou7shined' post='1200449' date='Apr 15 2011, 11:15 AM']Haha yes.
Interestingly (subjective) it doesn't matter if they are straight or not on a 1 string.[/quote]
I'd heard that too. As long as the centre of the fret lines up with the note being played.
What about when you want to bend a note tho? I suppose depending which way you bend the string would determine if it goes up, down or stays the same in pitch???

[Skol303]

I read somewhere that the more money you spend on a bass guitar, the better it sounds.

But I guess that's the oldest snake oil of all, right?? ;-)

On a more serious note: 'distressed' guitars. I mean, WTF?! That's like buying ripped jeans in the '80s. You've got to be a complete mug to spend money on something that somebody else has messed up on your behalf.

[Earbrass]

[quote name='Skol303' post='1200736' date='Apr 15 2011, 02:27 PM']On a more serious note: 'distressed' guitars. I mean, WTF?! That's like buying ripped jeans in the '80s. You've got to be a complete mug to spend money on something that somebody else has messed up on your behalf.[/quote]

I wonder if the people who buy those would also pay extra for a 'distressed' or 'reliced' car?

[Skol303]

[quote name='Earbrass' post='1200859' date='Apr 15 2011, 03:42 PM']I wonder if the people who buy those would also pay extra for a 'distressed' or 'reliced' car? [/quote]

^ If they do, I have one for sale! ;-)

Gives me an idea in fact... 'distressed' amps and cabs to match those road-worn guitars...

"Turn your bedroom-perfect bass rig into something any road-weary touring band would be proud of! Just make cheques payable to Skol Industries at the usual address, and leave the rest to our team of 'expert' distressors. We'll have your precious gear looking knackered and broken in no time, guaranteed. Just like Jaco would have wanted!"

[skej21]

[quote name='Skol303' post='1200736' date='Apr 15 2011, 02:27 PM']You've got to be a complete mug to spend money on something that somebody else has messed up on your behalf.[/quote]

I'd imagine many people on here have had an ex (or 10!) who can testify to this!

[xgsjx]

[quote name='Skol303' post='1200876' date='Apr 15 2011, 03:56 PM']Gives me an idea in fact... 'distressed' amps and cabs to match those road-worn guitars...

"Turn your bedroom-perfect bass rig into something any road-weary touring band would be proud of! Just make cheques payable to Skol Industries at the usual address, and leave the rest to our team of 'expert' distressors. We'll have your precious gear looking knackered and broken in no time, guaranteed. Just like Jaco would have wanted!"[/quote]
Too Late!!! Ampeg already make em.

[lee4]

Still trying for that whole "less is more" sound?Do you have a tendency to overplay?
Then the new Shutthef**kup Method will be what you need.
For only £50,I will send you the secret of less is more.Send me your front door key as well as the times you are at work,and I will rid you of sonic overkill
forever.
This offer is not available from any reputable retailer,and is not protected by Trading Standards.
Shutthef**kup;isn't it time you did?

[ThomBassmonkey]

[quote name='Skol303' post='1200736' date='Apr 15 2011, 02:27 PM']On a more serious note: 'distressed' guitars. I mean, WTF?! That's like buying ripped jeans in the '80s. You've got to be a complete mug to spend money on something that somebody else has messed up on your behalf.[/quote]

First time I dinged my Ibanez (painted and new) I was gutted, until that point I'd been really precious about it, it looked very "clean" and great condition.

First time I dinged my Sandberg JJ5 (admitted was 2nd hand and a little dinged anyway) with relicd finish, I didn't give a crap. I've never felt precious about it, it gets used and abused, lumped in the back of a van regularly. Love the bass, but the relicd finish has meant it looks lived in. I'm never one for sterile clean looks on things.

[iconic]

[font="Century Gothic"]Introducing the Castrato Bass from Knough Knutts Inc.
If super high octave finger popping tones are your funky fing , our centregenistic
approach to this sector specific solution is the result of our revolutionary evolution of the 6 string bass:
sky scraping frequencies
attain, reach and accomplish volume levels to deafen the gods of Mount Olympus *
enable simultaneous , synchronised & multiple string combinations

*(NB volume control non adjustable)[/font][b][/b]

[urb]

New Piano Bass!!!

It may look like a grand piano and have 88 'keys' but don't be fooled this is the must have ERB. Featuring extraordinary playability via its unique finger tapping facility this instrument will allow you hit that double low F# while still playing that Bach Étude with your right hand five octaves above!

Warning! Do not attempt to play this 'bass' with a strap - please use the stool provided...

[Waldo]

[quote name='urb' post='1201535' date='Apr 16 2011, 09:10 AM']New Piano Bass!!!

It may look like a grand piano and have 88 'keys' but don't be fooled this is the must have ERB. Featuring extraordinary playability via its unique finger tapping facility this instrument will allow you hit that double low F# while still playing that Bach Étude with your right hand five octaves above!

Warning! Do not attempt to play this 'bass' with a strap - please use the stool provided...

[/quote]


Also comes in a handy ebonised birch carry case, complete with wheels

[bassicinstinct]

[quote name='flyfisher' post='1198201' date='Apr 13 2011, 02:23 PM']All very amusing stuff, but while there are products like this being promoted then there's little need to make up ridiculously far-fetched nonsense:

[url="http://www.merlincables.com/index.php?app=gbu0&ns=prodshow&ref=dragonmains"]http://www.merlincables.com/index.php?app=...ref=dragonmains[/url][/quote]

Seriously though, this [b]isn't [/b]real is it?

[TimR]

In the early 80s I was privileged to attend a Level 42 concert when the esteemed bass guru Mark King threw his towel into the crowd. In the resulting melee of teenage girls I was lucky enough to tear a strip from the towel. For 30 years it remained in a sealed container in a strictly controlled environment.

I have now obtained a tincture of the sweat molocules from this towel by using the homeopathic processes of [i]potentisation[/i] and [i]succussion[/i]. This tincture is in the form of 30C standard Homeopathic dilution using distilled water as the base liqiuid and original fabric of the towel as a cover to an 1980s Jaydee fretboard as a striking board.

I am making 100ml bottles of this liquid available to bass players of all nationalities (apart from Northern Ireland) for the bargain price of £9.99 +P&P.

This tincture should be kept alongside your bass in its case where over time it will impart the essesnce of King's playing into your bass. Not only will your slapping become the envy of your peers but we have noticed on some basses a firey glow appearing on the fretboard in the places where Mr King had originally installed LEDs on his bass.

[Doddy]

[quote name='iconic' post='1201517' date='Apr 16 2011, 08:57 AM'][font="Century Gothic"]Introducing the Castrato Bass from Knough Knutts Inc.
If super high octave finger popping tones are your funky fing , our centregenistic
approach to this sector specific solution is the result of our revolutionary evolution of the 6 string bass:
sky scraping frequencies
attain, reach and accomplish volume levels to deafen the gods of Mount Olympus *
enable simultaneous , synchronised & multiple string combinations

*(NB volume control non adjustable)[/quote]

That looks remarkably similar to the Decibel Industries 'Shredasaurus' piccolo bass that was featured in the April '92
issue of Bass Player and played by Darian Dimrose.

[tauzero]

I thoroughly recommend [url="http://www.machinadynamica.com/index.html"]the wonderful products at Machina Dynamica.[/url]

I have been looking into coupling speaker cabs and stage, and my conclusion is that a clay substrate is the ideal mechanism, stabilising the lower end so that boom is a thing of the past while preserving highs for that crispness which can vanish.

Conversely, guitar amplifiers are better served by an open lattice synthetic substrate, reducing involuntary feedback and valve microphony but preserving clarity.

Bass amp stand components:



Guitar amp stand: