Vibrating G String Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 If you still want to play if you can change things you could try talking with mr. negative alone. If you do it in front of the band the competitive side will make things escalate. Start by telling him what you enjoy about playing with him and then go into the one thing that bothers you and then ask if he could change it for you. If you make it easy for him to change he may. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topo morto Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 [quote name='Vibrating G String' timestamp='1320628782' post='1429236'] If you still want to play if you can change things you could try talking with mr. negative alone. If you do it in front of the band the competitive side will make things escalate. Start by telling him what you enjoy about playing with him and then go into the one thing that bothers you and then ask if he could change it for you. If you make it easy for him to change he may. [/quote] Sounds good to me. Some people who adopt a provocative public persona are all squishy inside, you never know. Alternatively, every time he says something critical, repeat his words verbatim in a camp voice. "Taking the piss? Not at all, I'm just agreeing with you". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lojo Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I took just over a year to leave a band after informed them, I said I'll wait till they found a new bassist, they went through a few that didn't work out during the year and kept asking me to stand in, but during that time they asked rather than expected of me and I was happy to help. So I guess you can only do it quietly for as long as your willing to help out during the transition and they need to be actively looking for a replacement Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xgsjx Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Quietest way to leave your band is by steering clear of the drumkit! If you enjoy your music I wouldn't leave. I'd have a word with your long term friends in the band & each of you say to the chap about his negativity. See if that changes him. If it doesn't, then you & one or 2 of the other members could start a "side project" & then leave the current band to focus more on it. Then at a slightly later date incorporate some other musicians, such as previous band members from a former band. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTUK Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 What's the problem... it isn't working and you want to leave. Tell them it has been good at times, you aren't happy and so you WILL be leaving. If they push it and what to know more..tell them about the real reason..if that is the real reason. If your mind is made up... then come straight out and say you'll work to such and such a date and that is it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
discreet Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Wait until Mr Negative is in his house asleep. Brick up his doors and windows. Then drop a dead ferret down the chimney. Job done! He'll certainly think twice before criticising local amateur musicians in future! (Puts on sou'wester and plays silly tune on kazoo). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rich Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 [quote name='Vibrating G String' timestamp='1320628782' post='1429236'] If you still want to play if you can change things you could try talking with mr. negative alone. If you do it in front of the band the competitive side will make things escalate. Start by telling him what you enjoy about playing with him and then go into the one thing that bothers you and then ask if he could change it for you. If you make it easy for him to change he may. [/quote] It seems like a real shame that you're effectively being forced to walk away from music you like and guys you've known for 20 years in some cases purely because of one bloke's idiot mouth. The rest of them sound like nice guys. Try to sort things out with Captain Attitude first, I reckon. If he gets in an arse or refuses to see reason or whatever, then take your graceful bow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norris Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 "How do you leave a band quietly ?" ... Switch your amp off Seriously, say you've other commitments so need to quit. Hang around long enough to get your replacement up to speed, then go join a band you enjoy playing with. If it's not your main job, you probably aren't earning enough to put up with any crap - you've got to be in it for the pleasure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigwan Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 The funny thing about Mr. Competitive is that, although he's a mate, he'd say exactly the same thing about you if you were playing for a band other than 'his' - I've played with the same type a number of times before. Ironically they're usually the mediocre ones in the band (not always - just my experience). He's the problem so address it/him. Don't run if you enjoy every other facet of the band or you will look back with regret. Be firm, but fair... Sounds like your mind is made up though... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mog Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 TBH I think its a big risk leaving two musicians you you know are reliable. If its just the negativity thing getting to you then you should bring this up with the other members, the offending party included. If you have as good a working relationship with them as you say they'll more than likely want to remedy the situation. Leaving should not be discussed yet. Say what you posted originally, maybe a little less bare boned and see what they make of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bassmachine2112 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Hi been there,it,s a horrible place to be. Numerous answers to this. Why should you leave when you have done nothing wrong. People reflect their negativity on whoever they can to cover up their insecurities. Bin bag him then you,ll hear how poor a band you are from Mr opinion.So what your playing ,they are not. Don,t let them grind you down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topo morto Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Suggest a few additions to your repertiore - which, of course, just happen to have ridiculously complex guitar parts, in a style he can't do. Stick with them long enough that he realises that he ain't all that. Don't say anything to him of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lozz196 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 [quote name='Bigwan' timestamp='1320672430' post='1429697'] The funny thing about Mr. Competitive is that, although he's a mate, he'd say exactly the same thing about you if you were playing for a band other than 'his' - I've played with the same type a number of times before. Ironically they're usually the mediocre ones in the band (not always - just my experience). He's the problem so address it/him. Don't run if you enjoy every other facet of the band or you will look back with regret. Be firm, but fair... Sounds like your mind is made up though... [/quote] That is so true. It was exactly that in my old band. Said guy also would, if we were offered a gig, just say "I`m not doing it" without any attempt to find out if the rest wanted to or not. It`s a control thing, based upon inferiority. I`d made my mind up that the next time he refused to do a gig, I`d simply say "we accept your resignation" - as we had all discussed it - but luckily, he left the band anyway. So what Bigwan says is true - if there is one aspect that is ruining something that is otherwise good, instead of removing yourself from the equation, look to remove the problem instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahpook Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) [quote name='hiram.k.hackenbacker' timestamp='1320607630' post='1428945'] The other band members [b]will[/b] think a lot better of you if you have at least one decent attempt (and I mean a sobering one on one) at ironing the problem out with the individual involved. If and when you do walk away, at least you will be able to look the others in the eyes and honestly say "Sorry guys, I tried". Unfortunately there are musicians out there, not necessarily very good ones, that only know how to be negative regarding others abilities. Some of them can be brought around, some can't. Have a crack at finding out which one you've got before you jack it all in mate. [/quote] plus the one. the 'competitive' band member sounds like a right tool tbh - i think i'd have a hard time being around someone like that, never mind being in a band with them. i'd say talk to the band, tell them why you're unhappy and tell them you can't work with the negative vibes. if it can't be resolved then say your goodbyes and remember to turn down before you unplug. Edited November 7, 2011 by ahpook Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daz Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 If i were you id talk to the other two and see if they want to sack the mouthy one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssentialTension Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 [quote name='daz' timestamp='1320692391' post='1430144'] If i were you id talk to the other two and see if they want to sack the mouthy one. [/quote] So that's a new thread: How do you sack a band member quietly? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrtcat Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I can't work out whether you want to leave or just want to not have to listen to the negativity. Both are perfectly understandable but require differing approaches. If you actually want to leave then that's one thing. You sound like a very reasonable and considerate chap so I'm sure the chaps in your band (who clearly know you well) will accept if you honestly tell them that you want out. If you honour all bookings and still give 100% they can't ask for more. If however the only reason you're thinking of leaving is the competitive one then you need to address that problem. I'm sure your band mates would hate to see you go and would be really upset if they thought you left because of an issue you didn't even talk about. In this case I would go for the gentle chat (away from the practice room / gig environment) with either the whole band or the one member you are closest to. I can't see it being a big enough issue to spoil friendships. Just do it positively. Explain that you hold the local scene close to your heart and really want to support people that you have gotten to know over the years rather than hear them being criticised. Good luck with this. Either way I hope it works out well for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vibrating G String Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 [quote name='Bigwan' timestamp='1320672430' post='1429697'] The funny thing about Mr. Competitive is that, although he's a mate, he'd say exactly the same thing about you if you were playing for a band other than 'his' [/quote]That's true, like sport fan who hates a player until they get transferred to their team. It's more about tribalism than anything musical. I think it's pretty near impossible to be in a band without a few issues. My current drummer works for Microsoft and I'm an Apple fanboy, it will come to blows one day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vibrating G String Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 [quote name='EssentialTension' timestamp='1320695579' post='1430247'] So that's a new thread: How do you sack a band member quietly? [/quote] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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