Uncomfortable band vs. life vs. me situation

[Immo]

Forgive me if I put this topic in a wrong forum.

I'm not sure what to do about my current [b][size=4][i]band vs. life vs. me [/i][/size][/b]situation.

Let me explain: In my band, I have two old time buddies and two "strangers", but it's not a problem - the problem is the band's approach: the entire rest of the band wants to start a glorious career and thereby they create pressure, which does not suit me.

For me, given my current life situation and my approach to certain issues (not to count my low musical ambition and non-stop fatigue), the ideal band style is '[i]I have[/i][i] a pub[/i] (in the sense I am the owner / co / something like that), [i]in which[/i][i] I jam every Saturday for the [/i][i]people.[/i]'
The vision of making a great career for the guy at my age is not so exciting (I'm 25, they're 16-19), as I would like to play with friends for 100% fun, not for preparation for the big concert that will open the way to fame and glory. [b]This does not make me happy, that makes me even more tired.[/b]
And another problem: the guitarist has the makings of a virtuoso, as for now he sweeps almost impossible riffs with ease, the same applies to the keyboardist, a drummer is a fast, agile and efficient - I do not recall any mistakes at the rehearsals! - and my technique is poor, and within a month I can not (given the current turmoil in my work (no salary since 2,5 months + no perspectives), reconditioning of my house, eternal fatigue and my laid-back, lazy character) catch up with them. I think about playing the bass almost non stop while I'm at work and when I finally come home, I'm so tired I only want to play computer games or take the bass and improvise a bit, not learn and master the whole songs. [b]I just can't force myself to practice...[/b] And I find almost no joy playing with them - the only moments when I have fun are the bluesy jams or simple, yet powerful songs like Clapton's '[i]Cocaine[/i]'

But they're very happy to finally have a bass player in the band and even started to rent a semi-pro rehearsal room, cause now they can afford it with 5-person band.

[b]What should I do? [/b]Simply tell them everything I said here, find another player who would want to play with them and quit?

[Doctor J]

If it's not fun do them and yourself a favour and remove yourself from the situation.

[Bassdriver]

[quote name='Immo' timestamp='1332011625' post='1582148']


[b]What should I do? [/b]Simply tell them everything I said here, find another player who would want to play with them and quit?
[/quote]

Yes. The last thing you should do is carry on in a situation that's making you unhappy. That is the reason why we play. If it's making you unhappy there's no reson to do it. Tell them as soon as possible and don't worry about making things difficult for them to get where they want to. Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. Now is that time.

[LukeFRC]

sounds like you need a bit of time out.
you'll find other bands in the future

[RhysP]

You're finding it a chore.
Also sounds to me like there's a bit of a clash maturity-wise.
Knock it on the head & let them find another bass player to play rock stars with.

[Icarus_147]

I think the guys before me have it right. No sense in playing in a band you don't enjoy playing in, especially if you don't have a whole lot of energy to throw at it. You could be putting it towards better things. Not necessarily musical things either, but just something that you [i]do[/i] enjoy.

[Immo]

[quote name='Bassdriver' timestamp='1332012892' post='1582160']
Tell them as soon as possible and don't worry about making things difficult for them to get where they want to.[/quote]
I did so (well, I talked with guitar player, my old buddy) just about 5 minutes ago. I feel like a sh**te right now, but I guess it's for the best. Just hope I won't lose their friendship. And I'll have to go there and talk to them to explain what's going on. Oh bummer.

[mike257]

Gotta go with the crowd - from the sounds of things this is very much the wrong band for you to be in. It's not fair on you to keep putting pressure on yourself, and it's not really fair on those guys as sooner or later your differing attitudes will cause an issue.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to just play for kicks with your mates, and theres nothing wrong with shooting for the stars, but the two don't go together!

[Immo]

Well, the guitar player is very disappointed and I feel even worse now, but I thought it's only fair to talk to him before there will be too late.
Damn, those guys are much younger than me and seem to have other views on life. And I'm one lazy old bastard, too tired and preoccupied with many problems now.

[daz]

How old did you say you were? 65 was it ?

[Bassdriver]

[quote name='Immo' timestamp='1332017917' post='1582261']
I feel like a sh**te right now, but I guess it's for the best.
[/quote]

It's difficult when you're mates as well, you don't want to 'let them down' so you carry on with the weight of the situation on your shoulders, sapping your energy. You feel crap now 'cos you feel you've 'let uour mates down' but that'll pass and you'll feel a whole lot better without the weight you've been carrying.

Just don't punish yourself for doing what's right for you.

[Immo]

[quote name='daz' timestamp='1332018552' post='1582278']
How old did you say you were? 65 was it ?
[/quote]
Midlife Crisis hit me early... I DO feel old. Sudden realisation that you actually have nothing aside from few nice guitars and one novel written (set in an universe copyrighted by someone else) hurts

[quote name='Bassdriver' timestamp='1332018585' post='1582280']
It's difficult when you're mates as well, you don't want to 'let them down' so you carry on with the weight of the situation on your shoulders, sapping your energy. You feel crap now 'cos you feel you've 'let uour mates down' but that'll pass and you'll feel a whole lot better without the weight you've been carrying.

Just don't punish yourself for doing what's right for you.
[/quote]
Thanks for your kind words. Yours and other's, that is.

Edited March 17, 2012 by Immo

[3below]

Help them out, give them the benefit of your experience, but let them know it is not for you. When they get a new bass player wish them the best and move on. Music is supposed to be fun at whatever level you want to be involved at, keep it that way. Hope it all resolves well. My band (band is a bit optimistic lol), we are all in same job, have same pressures, it is just for fun, but is enjoyable, even when we go backwards from lack of rehearsals, commitment or whatever. We all know score and work around situations in our ageing years.

[Immo]

[quote name='3below' timestamp='1332019438' post='1582296']
Help them out, give them the benefit of your experience (...)
[/quote]
I have NO experience whatsoever. I never played in or with a band, never played in front of an audience bigger than 2-3 people. I'm a weekend bass player, much more interested in simple playing and using a bass as a leisure item like a gaming console and GASing simply because I like basses in my own way. And sometimes (well, often, really) I'm easily discouraged by failures, ustable and chaotic. Not a good material for a future virtuoso at all.
[quote name='3below' timestamp='1332019438' post='1582296']
(...) My band (band is a bit optimistic lol), we are all in same job, have same pressures, it is just for fun, but is enjoyable, even when we go backwards from lack of rehearsals, commitment or whatever. We all know score and work around situations in our ageing years.[/quote]
And THAT'S the band I'd want to have. Simply for fun, not for the career. Congrats!

[Gust0o]

I was once sat backstage with a young band, who were all like young puppies - all bright and full of energy. They were giving it their "last go", as they didn't think - beyond the age of 25 - they'd get another chance.

I'm happily settled into a career. I earn my crust another way, and this is a hobby - something I do for fun, not necessarily to put food on the table. I couldn't play with others of different expectations, in the same band. It would simply be common frustration, all working to different ends. Better out.

[3below]

Thanks for comments, my band can be b* frustrating, we have done a few gigs, everyone is very experienced (we are all 40s, 50s) and all are good musicians. We could be good pub/club/wedding band......... however work gets in the way, and life sometimes. Plus is all good friends, no egos, all grown up, and all in same situation, we just have fun when we do. Experience - you have - you are older than them, by a good margin, university of life, it counts.

Edited March 17, 2012 by 3below

[TimR]

Well. You're not much older than them so don't worry about that. You're the bass player.

If you were not good enough or had the wrong attitude they would ask you to leave.

Sounds like you are depressed. Probably due to your work situation. Giving up would be a bad idea.

What do you do for a living? Why are you tired? If it is a non manual job and you just come home and play computer games (until early hours of morning?) you need to get out and do some serious exercise.

Edited March 17, 2012 by TimR

[TRBboy]

I agree with what everyone else has said; you have to enjoy it or it's not worth doing. The only time I've been involved with projects I'm not into is if it's short term and for financial gain. Music should be a pleasure, not a chore. Do whatever makes you happy, whether that's playing about on your own or aspiring to playing arena tours.

Without wishing to make assumptions about you, it sounds as though you need to make some changes to your lifestyle to be really happy, and maybe need some help with your lethargy and possible depression.

I really hope you find a positive way through this situation, and you manage to enjoy playing bass on your terms again.

[Lozz196]

Think that was the right decision, not only for you, but for them as well, and you`ve been very decent to do it. You would have got rapidly fed up with it, and, as the two people mentioned are so good, your not being able to force yourself to practice would have slowed them down. All round good decision, and better to do it now, than later on.

[Immo]

I've managed to find a possible replacement for me... I knew this guy for some time and I know he'll kick butt.

[quote name='TimR' timestamp='1332022138' post='1582346']
What do you do for a living? Why are you tired? If it is a non manual job and you just come home and play computer games (until early hours of morning?) you need to get out and do some serious exercise.
[/quote]
Well, I [i]DO CREATE[/i] computer games for living - I'm a game designer, text designer and writer. It's one of those jobs that are great and terrible at the same time - you do fun things, but under pressure, just like in the band. I can not withstand [i]TWO[/i] 'jobs' like that [i]AT ONCE[/i]. Our game did not made a success, so we have some financial problems, but I really like the job and I need to work one full month yet to have 1 year of employment contract.
Anyway, I like the computer games, it's not the way of wasting time (like: '[i]I really need to do something or I'll die of boredom[/i]' or something like that). I really enjoy it and see no problem with it as I usually go to bed on time. The fatigue and stress comes out of this unstable job situation. And that situation itself is another reason for me to quit - if within a month I'd had an job offer from the city located far away, I couldn't take it because of the band in which I don't feel good? Those guys dropped out of school to [i]play rock and roll[/i].
They're dedicated.
I'm not.

I'm not a complete wreck of a person I'm glad that the weather's changed and now we have a springtime in Poland - I can finally take my bike for a ride!

[daz]

Glad you have a job that you enjoy. Most people don't, so count yourself lucky on that score. Maybe you could just tell the band that you can stay with them but it will have to be on your terms, then give it a try for a while.

[Immo]

[quote name='daz' timestamp='1332074274' post='1582769']
Glad you have a job that you enjoy. Most people don't, so count yourself lucky on that score.[/quote]
Well, I enjoy it, yes, but not all the time. I'm a writer, but in the meaning of 'text designer'. And sometimes being a 'writer' is interpreted by co-workers as a person who'd write down anything, like the notes from the briefings and brainstorms (in which I'm terrible!) and create manuals, not only write the story or dialogues. If someone's interested, I recommend reading some of [url="http://www.rhiannapratchett.com/interviews.php"]interviews[/url] with Rhianna Pratchet (yes, of THOSE Pratchetts) to get a better view on being a game writer.
[quote name='daz' timestamp='1332074274' post='1582769']
Maybe you could just tell the band that you can stay with them but it will have to be on your terms, then give it a try for a while.[/quote]
Nope. They planned a huge concert soon, so I'd need to prepare on their terms and work very hard (I know myself all too well and I know I couldn't ).

[Russ]

[quote name='Immo' timestamp='1332071213' post='1582716']
Anyway, I like the computer games, it's not the way of wasting time (like: '[i]I really need to do something or I'll die of boredom[/i]' or something like that). I really enjoy it and see no problem with it as I usually go to bed on time. The fatigue and stress comes out of this unstable job situation. And that situation itself is another reason for me to quit - if within a month I'd had an job offer from the city located far away, I couldn't take it because of the band in which I don't feel good? Those guys dropped out of school to [i]play rock and roll[/i].
They're dedicated.
I'm not.

I'm not a complete wreck of a person I'm glad that the weather's changed and now we have a springtime in Poland - I can finally take my bike for a ride!
[/quote]

The games business is notorious for burning people out - I worked in it for about 5 years, and, despite the work being interesting and quite fulfilling, the hours required (especially when approaching the launch date - the dreaded "crunch") took its toll on me. I can't understand how people in the games business manage to have normal lives outside of work, since there's a huge amount of pressure to do 12+ hour days and to work weekends. Back then, I was young, free and single, and I can't imagine doing that job now that I'm married with a kid. It also leaves you no energy to put into anything else, especially something like music that requires time, effort and creativity.

I'd say find a new job - the EU's a wonderful thing when it comes to jobhunting, since you can work anywhere. Take a look at http://www.change-job.com or http://jobs.next-gen.biz. There's always lots of games jobs in the UK. And you might score a job with one of the few games companies who believe in work/life balance, and you'll have enough creative energy left over for music!

[TimR]

Cool. Things are looking up. I was just hoping your job situation wasn't impacting on the band and you wern't imagining stress from the other members.

[musophilr]

Be honest, hand in your notice with your reasons, and help them find a replacement for you. Play any gigs still in the diary but set a cutoff date for leaving. Leave on friendly terms, do a farwwell gig, involve your replacement in that gig too, and go out with a party.