Hilarious first (and only!) auditions

[gt4ever]

think you got off lightly there, never heard of an auditionee paying, and first ones always free in my books.

[Truckstop]

Used to be in a death metal band that were looking for a vocalist.

So we get this guy in to audition and he seems fine. We get to a particular high screaming section and he sh*t himself. Hilarious.

Truckstop

[jezzaboy]

A few weeks ago I went down for a play with a band who "had knocked back loads of gigs and were ready to gig once the bass is in place."

I spoke to the guy on the phone and he seemed reasonably sensible so I thought I would pop down. They gave me a list of 18 songs and I got to work. By the night of the jam, I had them all down apart from a couple. Turned up and the guitarist was there with a Ric 6 string. Must be no bad I`m thinking, expensive guitar.

But we started playing and they knew about 4 of the songs all the way through, the rest they knew bits of but what pissed me off was they couldn`t finish songs off. I asked them how did they know when to end the songs, you know, signal from the drummer or lead guitarist or anyone really! The guitarist said that they didn`t need to bother as it was only a jam.

It kind of went down hill from there and after 2 hours I called it a day. Bloomin amatuers!! Oh and the gigs? They had been offered 2 by the pub that the lead guitarist worked in.

Jez

Edited May 15, 2012 by jezzaboy

[skankdelvar]

So we auditioned some drummers. One was really quite good and we agreed that we'd give him 'the call' after the weekend.

Saturday night I get an email from him, saying how much he enjoyed himself and attaching some 'funny images' of himself in womens' underwear. The last shot had him bent over in crutchless knickers.

Perhaps it was his way of saying 'No thank you'.

[Bassman Sam]

[quote name='skankdelvar' timestamp='1337129434' post='1656046']
So we auditioned some drummers. One was really quite good and we agreed that we'd give him 'the call' after the weekend.

Saturday night I get an email from him, saying how much he enjoyed himself and attaching some 'funny images' of himself in womens' underwear. The last shot had him bent over in crutchless knickers.

Perhaps it was his way of saying 'No thank you'.
[/quote]

I didn't know that Pete Burns played drums.

[Chrismanbass]

did an audition for a function band once for some guys and was told in the emails back and forth that i'd be there for about an hour turned up at the audition and was imidiately asked to set up 'great' i thought i'll be in and done quickly and not have to sit around waiting for the other guys to finish, so i get into the audition and play through the songs and all is well the guys are ok not great but ok and as i'm packing away the singer comes up to me and says 'oh do you have to be somewhere after this' and i without thinking said oh no sorry i just thought we were done 'no we'd like you to stay if thats ok' so i put my gear back up and another guitarist comes in and sets up and off we go again turns out they hadn't had any replies from any other bass players and were just expecting me to fill in for free so that they could audition all of their 8 guitarists that had replied needless to say i didnt stay very long after i found out

[Doctor J]

Another one that springs to mind is an audition I did on bass about ten years ago. The way the ad was worded and the way the guy spoke on the phone it sounded like everything was in place and things were starting to move so I decided to give it a go. He was holding the audition the next day so I went in without hearing any of their songs, or any preparation at all. Once I arrived, I noticed two drum kits and four guitarists, it turned out everyone was auditioning. We started off and the main guy taught everyone the songs which were very formulaic, excruciatingly basic and easy to pick up, quite crap actually. He clearly saw himself as a star though, his opinion of himself far greater then his mediocre musical ability. We took a break after a couple of hours and he then had a quick chat with everyone individually outside which is when the fun really started.

He liked my bass playing, which was nice, and he wanted me to stick around permanently. I wasn't so sure. Then he said he wanted everyone to wear masks or make-up on any [i]official[/i] band business, but we were free to come up with our own designs, which I thought was kind of him. I didn't dig that kind of gimmickery when I was a teenager and I was well past that stage in my life so was already walking the plank, mentally. Then came the clincher, with a straght face he told me he wanted me to come up with a new name for myself because "[i]you don't want journalists finding out where you live[/i]"

Like a good journalist, I made my excuses and left.

[andrewrx7]

[quote name='Truckstop' timestamp='1337110332' post='1655737']
Used to be in a death metal band that were looking for a vocalist.

So we get this guy in to audition and he seems fine. We get to a particular high screaming section and he sh*t himself. Hilarious.

Truckstop
[/quote]

[mcnach]

[quote name='Chrismanbass' timestamp='1337132436' post='1656060']
did an audition for a function band once for some guys and was told in the emails back and forth that i'd be there for about an hour turned up at the audition and was imidiately asked to set up 'great' i thought i'll be in and done quickly and not have to sit around waiting for the other guys to finish, so i get into the audition and play through the songs and all is well the guys are ok not great but ok and as i'm packing away the singer comes up to me and says 'oh do you have to be somewhere after this' and i without thinking said oh no sorry i just thought we were done 'no we'd like you to stay if thats ok' so i put my gear back up and another guitarist comes in and sets up and off we go again turns out they hadn't had any replies from any other bass players and were just expecting me to fill in for free so that they could audition all of their 8 guitarists that had replied needless to say i didnt stay very long after i found out
[/quote]


I tried to read what you wrote three times, but I always run out of air when I'm the point where they ask you whether you could stay.

Here's some spare punctuation marks for you: ..,..,.,.,.,..,.,.,,,,,,..,,.,,.,.,.,..,.,,,,,.,,,.,.,.,,,.,.,,.,..,.,.,,.,.,.,.,,.....
Don't be shy, they're free

[mushers]

[quote name='mcnach' timestamp='1337456422' post='1660464']
I tried to read what you wrote three times, but I always run out of air when I'm the point where they ask you whether you could stay.

Here's some spare punctuation marks for you: ..,..,.,.,.,..,.,.,,,,,,..,,.,,.,.,.,..,.,,,,,.,,,.,.,.,,,.,.,,.,..,.,.,,.,.,.,.,,.....
Don't be shy, they're free
[/quote]

fantastic input

i could read it just fine but then i wasnt reading it out loud phonetically

[sprocketflup]

[quote name='Truckstop' timestamp='1337110332' post='1655737']
Used to be in a death metal band that were looking for a vocalist.

So we get this guy in to audition and he seems fine. We get to a particular high screaming section and he sh*t himself. Hilarious.

Truckstop
[/quote]

He shot himself? jeez , now thats proper punk right there, none of this 'not playing a note' business! Even GG Allin didnt do that on stage!

[leschirons]

We'd put an ad out for a keyboard player for a new band but had been rehearsing with vox, guitar, bass and drums to get song structures sorted. Mainly doing laid back jazzy - blues and pop stuff. Some Sade', Carole King, Cyndi Lauper, Robben Ford etc.

Guitarist announces he's found "the one" he'd been round her house to chat the night before and whilst she was making him a coffee, he'd looked through her music folders that were by her keyboard (an 88 key Yamaha) It was all there, Stuff by EW&F, Weather report, Tom Scott, and even a couple of Dave Grusin numbers plus, a load of classical pieces.

Three weeks later, she arrived at my place, set up the keys, we'd given her 6 numbers to learn. She turned it on, pressed some buttons, the drum machine started, and then she spent 20 minutes trying to turn it off, eventually pulling the mains plug out the back.

She couldn't play the songs, had no idea about timing, was totally unaware of what the rest of us were playing so, as a last resort, we decided to jam a slow blues in Am. She asked if we had the notation for the song!!

"It's not really a proper song, just a slow 12 bar jam in Am"
"Yes but where is the music?"
"What music? there is no music, we'll make it up as we go along"
"I thought I would be playing with proper musicians so I don't really think it's for me"
"But you can't play the songs we asked you to learn"
"This keyboard stand is not the same as mine, it's putting me off"
"You're right, it's not really for you is it, goodbye"

[ThomBassmonkey]

About 8 years ago I went to a rehearsal for a new cajun band. The idea was it was going to be a young band (any fans of cajun in their 40s are considered the youth of the music) so I was the oldest at about 20, the others were around 14 but I knew a bit about the singer/accordion player and knew he had a good reputation in the cajun/zydeco world so decided to give it a go.

Turns out that because there aren't many kids that listen to zydeco, he'd had to "outsource" them, they were a couple of his mates from college. One playing guitar that had been playing about 3 months and had managed to learn nothing in that time, me and the accordion player (both of us play guitar) had to show him every chord he needed, even 5th chords were unknown territory to him, I don't know what he'd been doing in those 3 months. The rub board player had no sense of rhythm at all to the point where I questioned if he even listened to music. It ended up with us having a cuppa and then deciding not to bother.

8 years later and I'm in another band with him, it's been going a little over 2 years and we're one of the best (one of the only) prospects for younger people in the UK (and even around Europe we have a good reputation for introducing kids to zydeco) to be getting into cajun and zydeco. Anyone can make a mistake, I'm glad I didn't hold it against him. After that bad start it would've been easy to write him off with all his bands.

[Jam]

We're still auditioning singers, our last singer left for "Family reasons", turns out she fancied the (married) guitarist, though that horrific maelstrom is another story..

Anyway we had a guy get in touch with us through joinmyband, he was a really nice guy, a bit younger than us (I was 25, he was 18) but he had similar musical influences so we thought he'd be good to go. We'd sent him the list of covers to learn, and he said he was ok with them..

I pick him up for practice and he's a really nice chap, chatty but a little nervous. We get to the practice room and he starts looking really furtive, we play a few songs and he looks really lost, so we gently try and coax him into singing, "no pressure man, no problem".

He's not singing anything though, so we ask him if he minds if we have a little jam, and if he wants to join in with some singing then to feel free. We get this crunchy riff going and then out of nowhere he just grabs the mike and growls "WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He seems a bit more at ease, but then stops any noise.

We go back to the cover, 2 Minutes to Midnight by Iron Maiden, and he tries to sing, goes bright red and then shouts "ARGH FOR GOD SAKE", throws his lyrics sheet on the floor and storms outside. Comes back in 5 minutes later and says "sorry, I got annoyed with myself". We try again, and he shouts at himself again.

Called it a night there...

Not the singer for us, the drive home was awkward. "So how was I?" " When will I hear from you?". Shame really as he was such a nice guy when he wasn't trying to sing.

[Chrismanbass]

[quote][color=#282828][font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]I tried to read what you wrote three times, but I always run out of air when I'm the point where they ask you whether you could stay.[/font][/color]

[color=#282828][font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Here's some spare punctuation marks for you: ..,..,.,.,.,..,.,.,,,,,,..,,.,,.,.,.,..,.,,,,,.,,,.,.,.,,,.,.,,.,..,.,.,,.,.,.,.,,..... [/font][/color]

[color=#282828][font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Don't be shy, they're free [/font][/color] [/quote]

sorry mate, i'll try harder next time. Sounds like my school reports all over again.

[bigd1]

I had a band that was looking for a keyboard player. We set up an night to see the 2 only replies we had. First bloke sets up then just as we are about to start says "anybody want a cup of tea" he had a flask and his sandwiches (wrapped in paper) on top of his keyboards !!
The 2nd was a girl who watched the 1st pack his stuff away, then when he had gone asked "where are the keyboards from me to play then ?"
She really thought we would provide her with keyboards, she didn't even own any keyboards herself (although she could play)
Looking back I think it is funny !!!

[el borracho]

Had a few bad ones over the years. One keyboard player couldn't seem to get the song intro that he was supposed to be playing. The drummer (who could play a bit of keyboards) got up and showed him. The lad then pressed a couple of buttons and asked if he could be shown again - then said he was ready. He then proceeded to press "play" and folded his arms while the part the drummer had done for him played back.

The next one in had forgotten his keyboard: "I knew I was supposed to bring something!! Can I just watch instead?"

Also, a drummer who played every single song in a straight beat; one on the bass - three on the snare; with no fills whatsoever although he did occasionally hit a cymbal. Said he didn't like using the toms.

[Hobbayne]

We auditioned a drummer many years ago. We told him to learn Ticket To Ride, the Beatles song.
When we got to the room we started it off and the drummer lost his way. He apologised and restarted but he still couldnt do it.
I went to show him the basic beat as the bass player, and was shouted down by the guitarist who said 'Thats not right!' and promptly banged out some strange beat as the drummer stood there looking bemused.
The final straw was the singer 'No, No! - youre doing it all wrong!' 'This is how it goes!' and sat down at his kit.
At which point the poor chap said -'Sorry but I dont think I,m good enough for this band!' and packed up his gear and promptly walked out!!

Edited May 20, 2012 by Hobbayne

[mcnach]

[quote name='Chrismanbass' timestamp='1337474347' post='1660683']
sorry mate, i'll try harder next time. Sounds like my school reports all over again.
[/quote]


ha ha, all in jest (well, 50% ), no worries I'm not going to give you any marks... this time.

[musophilr]

[quote name='gt4ever' timestamp='1337109248' post='1655712']
think you got off lightly there, never heard of an auditionee paying, and first ones always free in my books.
[/quote]

I'd have thought so. Band members pay for the room, auditionees are not band members.

[tauzero]

Many years ago, a guitarist and I were looking for a drummer for our originals band. The first one was called George (three decades on and I still remember that). We hadn't got any recordings so we were just playing the material to the drummers and getting them to join in. So George joined in, with a straight boom-tish-boom-tish beat which was at a completely different tempo to what we were playing. So we tried another song, with the same result. By that point, we'd worked out that he was not the one for us.

[Twigman]

[quote name='bigd1' timestamp='1337506662' post='1660935']
The 2nd was a girl who watched the 1st pack his stuff away, then when he had gone asked "where are the keyboards from me to play then ?"
She really thought we would provide her with keyboards, she didn't even own any keyboards herself (although she could play)
Looking back I think it is funny !!!
[/quote]
Is that really that unreasonable?

My band has a very defined keyboard sound. The sounds are all generated on a very specific '80s keyboard, saved in a library which we can take to fly aways on a memory card specific to that make and model keyboard.[which is provided in the tech rider - if it isn't we're screwed].
It is extremely unlikely that anyone would own the keyboard we need them to use and the band has our own.

Edited May 21, 2012 by Twigman

[WalMan]

[quote name='Twigman' timestamp='1337582741' post='1662147']
Is that really that unreasonable?

My band has a very defined keyboard sound. The sounds are all generated on a very specific '80s keyboard, saved in a library which we can take to fly aways on a memory card specific to that make and model keyboard.[which is provided in the tech rider - if it isn't we're screwed].
It is extremely unlikely that anyone would own the keyboard we need them to use and the band has our own.
[/quote]Surely yours is an unusual situation? I would say it was unreasonable, unless the ad said "Keyboard provided"

My worst on the receiving end was a guy coming along as a second guitarist. All he seemed to know was the chords to the lead break on Freebird - we were an originals punky band

[ThomBassmonkey]

[quote name='Twigman' timestamp='1337582741' post='1662147']
Is that really that unreasonable?

My band has a very defined keyboard sound. The sounds are all generated on a very specific '80s keyboard, saved in a library which we can take to fly aways on a memory card specific to that make and model keyboard.[which is provided in the tech rider - if it isn't we're screwed].
It is extremely unlikely that anyone would own the keyboard we need them to use and the band has our own.
[/quote]

I'd say so, having your own instrument is part of the job. How would you practice if you don't own an instrument?

Edit: Wewt, 2000th post!

Edited May 21, 2012 by ThomBassmonkey

[wally8]

[quote name='Twigman' timestamp='1337582741' post='1662147']
Is that really that unreasonable?

My band has a very defined keyboard sound. The sounds are all generated on a very specific '80s keyboard, saved in a library which we can take to fly aways on a memory card specific to that make and model keyboard.[which is provided in the tech rider - if it isn't we're screwed].
It is extremely unlikely that anyone would own the keyboard we need them to use and the band has our own.
[/quote]

That is a bit bizzare turning up for a audition as a instrument player and not bringing your gear, unless the band stipulate.

Ive tried out as a singer before expecting the rehearsal space to have a PA which is usually the norm and the band looked at me as if i was the weirdo not bringing a full PA with me to sing through!!!! Luckily i had a mic and lead and sang through a guitar amp - that sounded doggers