Hilarious first (and only!) auditions

[kendall]

Many many years ago, a band that I was friendly with asked me if I wanted to sit in on their audition for a bass player. I had never bothered auditioning as I had only been playing for a few months and had zero confidence. Anyway this dude rocks up with a fender p bass, marshall amp and leather trousers. Typical rock god (in my eyes). They started to jam Rain by the Cult. He couldn't get it, so I showed him and he tried again. Nope, still no idea. No probs, they tried Wildflower - a dead easy one.....still he couldn't get it despite me playing it for him once. "I'm not used to The Cult" he says., "no worries dude" says the singer, "what do you know?" - "Uh, Welcome to the Jungle" comes the response. He managed to do the intro before flinging his bass down and declaring that "The vibe didn't work for him". At this point, I asked if he needed some pointers as he nearly had it then....he told me to "f*ck off" and packed up his gear and stormed off, declaring that The Cult covers aren't rock n roll enough for him.

We sat there and had a beer - I ended up playing bass for them for 2 years before my rock star dreams died and I became an Insurance Broker and joined corporate hell.

Edited May 22, 2012 by kendall

[Roland Rock]

[quote name='kendall' timestamp='1337673404' post='1663623']
...I became an Insurance Broker and joined corporate hell.
[/quote]

"I have nothing to say of my working life, only that a tie is a noose, and inverted though it is, it will hang a man nonetheless if he's not careful." - Yann Martel

[ZMech]

[quote name='bigd1' timestamp='1337506662' post='1660935']
She really thought we would provide her with keyboards, she didn't even own any keyboards herself (although she could play)
Looking back I think it is funny !!!
[/quote]

In terms of providing keyboards for an audition, I'd say the fault lies equally with both parties, since neither of them thought to clarify that the other understood what the situation would be. Not even owning a keyboard yourself though as a player is generally pretty strange, although very common with my mates at uni.

[Twigman]

[quote name='ZMech' timestamp='1337676691' post='1663664']
In terms of providing keyboards for an audition, I'd say the fault lies equally with both parties, since neither of them thought to clarify that the other understood what the situation would be. Not even owning a keyboard yourself though as a player is generally pretty strange, although very common with my mates at uni.
[/quote]
[quote name='wally8' timestamp='1337672350' post='1663605']
That is a bit bizzare turning up for a audition as a instrument player and not bringing your gear, unless the band stipulate.

Ive tried out as a singer before expecting the rehearsal space to have a PA which is usually the norm and the band looked at me as if i was the weirdo not bringing a full PA with me to sing through!!!! Luckily i had a mic and lead and sang through a guitar amp - that sounded doggers
[/quote]
[quote name='ThomBassmonkey' timestamp='1337604289' post='1662548']
I'd say so, having your own instrument is part of the job. How would you practice if you don't own an instrument?

Edit: Wewt, 2000th post!
[/quote]

I hear you but I think keyboards is different.
Many keyboard players may have a piano at home on which they hone their skills but may not have keyboards per se.
I doubt they'd call the removers to transport a piano to audition.
Keyboards are capable of such a huge range of sounds that it is likely that a keyboard owned may not be capable of making the right noises for the songs.
If someone turned up with a Solina String synth to audition for a band that used sounds from an Access Virus then that is never going to work, is it?
Even if a keyboard player had roughly the right keyboard for the sounds required there's be little or no chance that he/she actually had the appropriate sounds programmed in.#
Nobody uses pre-sets do they?

[BILL POSTERS]

I wouldn’t want to take the Mick out of anyones playing ability, I’m far from perfect myself and have been known to make the odd clanger. But as this was years and years ago I don’t see any harm.

Trying to get an R & B / Rock n Roll band together with a couple of mates in the early 70s, we were approached by a young Drummer, who said he had access to a Transit, some PA, and space to rehearse in any night we felt like it. We did an initial run through of some numbers with a borrowed kit at a room in cannon Hill Park somewhere, but it was chaotic for one reason and another and we didn’t get to play much, but we weren’t impressed. Still, we thought we’d give him a few rehearsals, we had no gigs, and no drummer, so nothing to lose. We arranged to ‘Rehearse’ the following Saturday night, starting at midnight, and he gave us an address.

After a good night on the piss at The Railway, spurred on by having seen Bonham, ,Dave Walker plus odd members of Wizard, The Steve Gibbons Band, and Fairport playing a benefit gig, off we went, The rehearsal space turned out to be a Gentlemens Club in Handsworth, like something out of a BBC costume drama, leather chesterfields, oak panelled walls, snooker tables, bar, guy dressed like a Butler at the door - the lot. Apparently it was run by his father ( The Butler guy ) and his older brother, and we could use it after the members or whatever they were called had all gone home.

We set up, and this is where it got weird, he played with two snares somehow, and used brushes a lot. Still, none of us were great, and it was free, so might as well enjoy it. Somebody asked for a beer, and was told “ yeah, help yourself” later his brother turned up, a sort of camper version of Dale Winton, but a nice guy, and stared mixing cocktails, again - free, then started playing some really great Fats Domino style boogie on the Piano that was in the room, even better. At around 6am, he even cooked the ones of us who were still conscious a full English breakfast.

Obviously, we had to persevere with this drummer for a while, so the full audition went on for several weekends, as we thought he 'had‘potential’ and by the fourth Saturday we had 3 or 4 spare Guitarists, a backing singer, and a roadie in tow.

Then his brother started ranting that he should manage us, Cant remember much about what transpired - I remember he said we should all wear matching orange shirts, and dickey bow ties and then it got silly.

What or how we played, or why it stopped I cant remember. But it was great fun while it lasted.

Edited May 22, 2012 by BRANCINI

[seashell]

That's a fascinating and surreal story, Brancini!

[BILL POSTERS]

[quote name='seashell' timestamp='1337688895' post='1663966']
That's a fascinating and surreal story, Brancini!
[/quote]



Have to admit I feel a bit guilty about it now I'm old enough to know better.

[thodrik]

1. Guitarist whose 'multi-effects' pedal, was actually a Tascam 8 track with some onboard effects. Of course he also didn't know how to turn on an amplifier and get any sound other then feedback.

2. Guitarists that said that they were writing 'Queens of the Stone Age with the Deftones'. At rehearsal, they are surprised that the sound doesn't have as much low end gurth as the bands they are influenced by. I asked if they were tempted to tune down. The response 'tuned down guitars never sound good'. I tell them that both QOTSA and Deftones tune down. They are shocked!

[Cameronj279]

Not really hilarious in any manner of the word but the first band I ever auditioned for (when I had been playing for 8 months). Being the first time I had even been in a studio or played on anything other than a 20watt practice amp. So after spending a good 2 hours traveling to this studio I got set up and spent ages trying to find out what 'drop C' meant. soon as the drummer and guitarist started playing -both of which were playing Dream theater- I instantly thought "sh*t. They're way too good. Got a call a week later saying they wanted me in the band and even played my first two gigs with them. Still have no idea why they picked me, looking back at it, I was terrible!

[JPS]

A few months some friends and I auditioned a "drummer". Poor guy could barely keep time, only seemed to have one beat regardless of the song etc. Got worse when some weasel-faced, chavtastic mates of his turned up to support him and stood staring at us whilst drinking their cans of special brew or whatever. At the end of a very painful 30 minutes or so we made our excuses at which point he claimed to be Adrian Sherwood's regular drummer, to be recording an album with Skip McDonald in his own studio and to personal friends with the whole of the SugarHill gang.

I wouldn't mind but we are all in our 40s and live in Thanet on the Kent coast.

[markstuk]

Ah, keys as the special effects/weird noises department..

As a keys player I do have and transport my own keyboards, since they take a little while to learn to drive and keyboard touch response and design is very important.. Also, like most musicians I would like to make my own noise, not press the buttons for someone elses patches...

Most of my time is spent wallowing in a variety of electric pianos, wurlitzers, proper pianos,, accordians, clavs and weird lead synthiness on my Motif ES8 with a proper 88 key keyboard, and hammondy/strings stuff on my Roland VR700...

If your idea of keys is playing a 3 octave virus via a sequencer that's cool, but for Jazz/Funk/Rock/Blues/Pop I suspect my experience is more representative...


[quote name='Twigman' timestamp='1337680313' post='1663732']
I hear you but I think keyboards is different.
Many keyboard players may have a piano at home on which they hone their skills but may not have keyboards per se.
I doubt they'd call the removers to transport a piano to audition.
Keyboards are capable of such a huge range of sounds that it is likely that a keyboard owned may not be capable of making the right noises for the songs.
If someone turned up with a Solina String synth to audition for a band that used sounds from an Access Virus then that is never going to work, is it?
Even if a keyboard player had roughly the right keyboard for the sounds required there's be little or no chance that he/she actually had the appropriate sounds programmed in.#
Nobody uses pre-sets do they?
[/quote]

Edited May 22, 2012 by markstuk

[Twigman]

[quote name='markstuk' timestamp='1337700861' post='1664200']Ah, keys as the special effects/weird noises department.[/quote]
No - not at all.
In the band I play in keys are far from sound effects and weird noises - they are often melodicand often textural.
We attempt to replicate as close as we can the records we made.
Those records were (mostly) made using sounds that we have programmed into our keyboard.
The songs would not sound right with some other sound being made by the keys.

[quote name='markstuk' timestamp='1337700861' post='1664200']
.. Also, like most musicians I would like to make my own noise, not press the buttons for someone elses patches...
[/quote]
Would you expect to use your own sounds when performing songs that have previously been released on record by the band?

[markstuk]

The point I'm gently trying to make is that you seem to want a keyboard operator rather than someone who brings something creative to the party.. Horses for courses... Just not for me (or any of the other keys players I know in the admittedly narrow cross section of genres I mentioned...)


[quote name='Twigman' timestamp='1337702388' post='1664246']
No - not at all.
In the band I play in keys are far from sound effects and weird noises - they are often melodicand often textural.
We attempt to replicate as close as we can the records we made.
Those records were (mostly) made using sounds that we have programmed into our keyboard.
The songs would not sound right with some other sound being made by the keys.


Would you expect to use your own sounds when performing songs that have previously been released on record by the band?
[/quote]

Edited May 22, 2012 by markstuk

[Twigman]

[quote name='markstuk' timestamp='1337702700' post='1664256']
The point I'm gently trying to make is that you seem to want a keyboard operator rather than someone who brings something creative to the party..
[/quote]
No
We recently did recruit a new key player.
Of course it's important that someone brings creativity to the party but it's also impossible to perform our back catalogue on a Moog (for example) so during audtion the audtionees were provided with the correct synth and instructed which sounds play which songs.
We also spent some time jamming to test spontaneity and creativity.
Maybe you would call it an operator but even playing preprogrammed patches there was much difference between the auditionees.

I can't understand how we might have auditioned a keyboard player on anything but the synth that creates the live and recorded sound.
We don't want our back catalogue re-arranged by an auditionee.

[markstuk]

You can audition keys players anyway you wish to, it's your perogative.. But the image of keys players practicing on a grand piano at home and only getting onto an Virus/Moog in the studio or provided by the band is, I suspect, abnormal.. I have a proper piano at home which I use to play piano type stuff, everything about playing a Hammond is entirely different.. If, like you, you have a back catalogue going back on and off for 30 odd years and you want to reproduce it exactly then more polish to your elbow... All I'm attempting to say is that like guitards, drummers and bass players we feel happiest using our own stuff.. The instruction manual for my Motif runs to over 500 A4 pages, and setup involves creating your own gain structure, EQ, how the controls affect modulation in terms of rate and depth, and how these vary between voices... And tone comes from fingers just like in bass..

[quote name='Twigman' timestamp='1337703692' post='1664285']
No
We recently did recruit a new key player.
Of course it's important that someone brings creativity to the party but it's also impossible to perform our back catalogue on a Moog (for example) so during audtion the audtionees were provided with the correct synth and instructed which sounds play which songs.
We also spent some time jamming to test spontaneity and creativity.
Maybe you would call it an operator but even playing preprogrammed patches there was much difference between the auditionees.

I can't understand how we might have auditioned a keyboard player on anything but the synth that creates the live and recorded sound.
We don't want our back catalogue re-arranged by an auditionee.
[/quote]

[Twigman]

[quote name='markstuk' timestamp='1337705262' post='1664315']
But the image of keys players practicing on a grand piano at home and only getting onto an Virus/Moog in the studio or provided by the band is, I suspect, abnormal..
[/quote]
LOL
Once the keyboard player got the job, he became custodian of the keyboard...and he actually does get to take it home and use it between rehearsals!!

Edited May 22, 2012 by Twigman

[markstuk]

Remember saying this?

"Many keyboard players may have a piano at home on which they hone their skills but may not have keyboards per se.
I doubt they'd call the removers to transport a piano to audition."


[quote name='Twigman' timestamp='1337705964' post='1664327']
LOL
Once the keyboard player got the job, he became custodian of the keyboard...and he actually does get to take it home and use it between rehearsals!!
[/quote]

[Twigman]

[quote name='markstuk' timestamp='1337707293' post='1664348']
Remember saying this?

"Many keyboard players may have a piano at home on which they hone their skills but may not have keyboards per se.
I doubt they'd call the removers to transport a piano to audition."
[/quote]
Of course....that is an explanation of why a keyboard player might not have a keyboard to bring to an audition.
Neither did the chap who got the job in my band.
Now that he has the job he gets to 'keep' our D50 and also now has several other keyboards of his own (none of which get used with us).

[markstuk]

I suspect that we're going to agree to disagree.

[quote name='Twigman' timestamp='1337707486' post='1664351']
Of course....that is an explanation of why a keyboard player might not have a keyboard to bring to an audition.
Neither did the chap who got the job in my band.
Now that he has the job he gets to 'keep' our D50 and also now has several other keyboards of his own (none of which get used with us).
[/quote]

[mike257]

[quote name='markstuk' timestamp='1337708543' post='1664367']
I suspect that we're going to agree to disagree.
[/quote]

I suspect you'll have to agree that you're both coming from different scenarios that require a different application of keyboard sounds.

You've stated that electric piano and organ sounds are the bulk of what you use, these are pretty 'universal' sounds that you can get a decent approximation of from a wide variety of keyboards. For a band using synthesisers and generating new sounds rather than emulating existing instruments, the unique character of those sounds is as important as the notes they are playing, and can't be as easily replicated.

Keyboard playing is a massively diverse world, with a range of sounds, methods and applications that span from the mundane to the bizarre and everything in between - you two are clearly at different places on that spectrum and both are equally valid. No need to argue about it though!

[Oopsdabassist]

[quote name='markstuk' timestamp='1337700861' post='1664200']
If your idea of keys is playing a 3 octave virus via a sequencer that's cool,[/quote]

QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!!

[Shaggy]

Posted this one before, but it bears repeating;

A few years ago, after getting back into bass after (*coughs*) years in the wilderness, I got fed up of jamming in non-projects that never got off the ground, and looked to slot into an existing competent band needing a bass player.

Scrutinised the local small ads, and followed one up for an "exciting new covers band project" looking for an experienced pro-minded bass player with decent gear. The guy on the phone was a bit cagey about it, but said the project was being financed by the owner of a well-known local nightclub. Plan was to put a group of good musicians with a "mature attitude" together to play 80's and '90's covers, tour the North of England, and maybe Europe later if it went well. He suggested I come to an audition - so I figured what the hell, and agreed.

Audition was pretty straightforward, I was told I was definitely in if I wanted to be.
Turned out the band was to support a troupe of 20 lap dancers.....

Well, I had to turn it down as there was no way I could have fitted the touring around work - although my best mate at work said he'd cover for me just so he could hear my stories!

More back on topic, most of my experieriences as an auditioner have been positive - there's some real talent out there as well as some real muppets.
The one that sticks in my mind was auditioning a drummer - he turned up to listen to us play (using a drum machine) and seemed to walk the walk and talk the talk. Lead guitarist wisely predicted - " this guy will be either amazingly good or total sh*te!"
At the audition proper the guy donned special drumming gloves and shoes.....we were gobsmacked, and expecting something righteous. First number was a Beatles one with a nifty little off-beat roll on the intro (I'm rackig my brains to remember it...) - all he could do was a 4/4 beat ("Erm....I don't do Beatles...")
We stuck with the drum machine for a couple of years.

[bigd1]

[quote name='Twigman' timestamp='1337582741' post='1662147']
Is that really that unreasonable?

My band has a very defined keyboard sound. The sounds are all generated on a very specific '80s keyboard, saved in a library which we can take to fly aways on a memory card specific to that make and model keyboard.[which is provided in the tech rider - if it isn't we're screwed].
It is extremely unlikely that anyone would own the keyboard we need them to use and the band has our own.
[/quote]

We are a blues band and this was made clear in our add. Now for this type of band you don't really need a library of sound only used by us. Good organ and a piano sound is fine.
I have never gone to an audition without a Bass Guitar or Amp etc.

[gjones]

I remember auditioning a guitarist for the band I was in. He came in, the band played a few songs, he played blindingly fast lead guitar over the top of them ..............so far so fantastic!. I then decided I'd teach him some of the chords so he could play rhythm.
I said, 'This song starts in E'
He said, 'what?'
I said, 'Just play an open E chord'
He said, 'How do you play that?'

He'd spent the last, however many years, learning every Steve Vai solo know to man but couldn't play an open E?

He didn't get the job.

[Judo Chop]

[quote name='gjones' timestamp='1337719855' post='1664596']
I remember auditioning a guitarist for the band I was in. He came in, the band played a few songs, he played blindingly fast lead guitar over the top of them ..............so far so fantastic!. I then decided I'd teach him some of the chords so he could play rhythm.
I said, 'This song starts in E'
He said, 'what?'
I said, 'Just play an open E chord'
He said, 'How do you play that?'

He'd spent the last, however many years, learning every Steve Vai solo know to man but couldn't play an open E?

He didn't get the job.
[/quote]

I know a guitarist like that, I bumped into him at Telford's Warehouse in Chester after we'd finished our slot at the open mic night.

Him: "That looks like so much fun, I'm trying to pluck up the courage to go on myself."

Me: "Have you learned chords yet?"

Him: "No not yet."

Me: "So what are you going to play?"

Him: "I dunno"

Sweep picking and pinched harmonics would break up the acoustic duo clones quite nicely I think.