Feeling Down About A Band I Left...

[AndyBob09]

So,

I feel the need to vent this in a place where I may be sympathised with, and maybe even empathised with...

A few months ago, I felt a little disconnected from a band I was in and couldn't make a gig date that they had booked due to other work. At that point, I left the band on the understanding that we had all agreed not to dep off some time before as we "weren't a function band" as our keys player pointed out. I sorted out a permanent replacement etc and all was hunky dory.

The DAY AFTER I sent my resignation email to the guys, I met them on a night out and we had a good time and what not, and the fella I'd said should replace me was out too and he said, "you know, it's a shame you left the band what with them just announcing today they're playing T In The Park."

Not knowing that we were on the T bill, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me at that moment. If I'd known the T plans, I may have stayed with the guys and put a little more in to the band if I knew I was getting a bit more out.

Does that sound awfully selfish? Has anyone else been in a similar position? Having just left a band and THEN they go on to bigger things without them knowing these at the time of leaving?

So, yeah, they played T In The Park yesterday (Sunday) and I guess I've been a bit of a mope about it all night - Was out gigging elsewhere but I did think that a wet, freezing, midge-ridden, muddy field in the middle of Scotland would have been better!

[discreet]

Mope not! It's all relative, mate! Many years ago I was a founder member of a band which I subsequently left because I didn't think they were all that, really. A track I recorded with them later went to number three in the UK, selling 750,000 records. They recorded two more successful singles, two successful albums and toured the world. I got bugger all.

A couple of years before this happened, I was asked to join a band by a school friend - I turned him down (twice). This band went on to be hugely successful and influential and so far have recorded fifteen albums over 35 years. They influenced Tool, Nine Inch Nails, Primus, Faith No More, Foo Fighters and Napalm Death, among many others. They tour regularly, and have made a huge fortune. Dave Grohl occasionally sits in on drums with them.

Am I bitter and twisted? OH, YES!

Edited July 9, 2012 by discreet

[flyfisher]

This sort of thing happens all the time, in all walks of life.

I can see no point in wondering what might have been . . . after all, another possibility is that you might have been killed in a car crash on the way to T In The Park.

Anyway, how come no-one in the band told you about the T In The Park possbility? They must have already known about it if they were able to announce it on the day after you left the band.

[Gust0o]

[quote name='discreet' timestamp='1341796699' post='1724330']
Mope not! It's all relative, mate! Many years ago I was a founder member of a band which I subsequently left because I didn't think they were all that, really. A track I recorded with them later went to number three in the UK, selling 750,000 records. They recorded two more successful singles, two successful albums and toured the world. I got bugger all.
[/quote]

You were in Atomic Kitten?

[chrismuzz]

[quote name='discreet' timestamp='1341796699' post='1724330']
A couple of years before this happened, I was asked to join a band by a school friend - I turned him down (twice). This band went on to be hugely successful and influential and so far have recorded fifteen albums over 35 years. They influenced Tool, Nine Inch Nails, Primus, Faith No More, Foo Fighters and Napalm Death, among many others. They tour regularly, and have made a huge fortune. Dave Grohl occasionally sits in on drums with them.
[/quote]

I think I know which band you're on about y'know

Bad times man! Thankfully I've never been in a band which hasn't fallen through

[gjones]

Why did you leave them? Was it because you enjoyed playing with other bands better or because, as an original band, they never made any money (and you play in covers bands that do). If you didn't enjoy playing with them, then you made the right decision.

[bartelby]

[quote name='discreet' timestamp='1341796699' post='1724330']
A couple of years before this happened, I was asked to join a band by a school friend - I turned him down (twice). This band went on to be hugely successful and influential and so far have recorded fifteen albums over 35 years. They influenced Tool, Nine Inch Nails, Primus, Faith No More, Foo Fighters and Napalm Death, among many others. They tour regularly, and have made a huge fortune. Dave Grohl occasionally sits in on drums with them.

Am I bitter and twisted? OH, YES!
[/quote]

Killing Joke?

Edited July 9, 2012 by bartelby

[BluRay]

[quote name='discreet' timestamp='1341796699' post='1724330']
A couple of years before this happened, I was asked to join a band by a school friend - I turned him down (twice). This band went on to be hugely successful and influential and so far have recorded fifteen albums over 35 years. They influenced Tool, Nine Inch Nails, Primus, Faith No More, Foo Fighters and Napalm Death, among many others. They tour regularly, and have made a huge fortune. Dave Grohl occasionally sits in on drums with them.
[/quote]

Thats no joke

[Doctor J]

[quote]I may have stayed with the guys and put a little more in to the band if I knew I was getting a bit more out.

Does that sound awfully selfish?[/quote]

When you put it like that, it does, a bit.

You left for the right reasons, you shouldn't have stayed for the wrong ones.

[discreet]

[quote name='chrismuzz' timestamp='1341814101' post='1724354']
Bad times man! Thankfully I've never been in a band which hasn't fallen through [/quote]

Ha! It was a [i]long [/i]time ago. And as Flyfisher says, there's no point in wondering what might have been. It happened the way it happened. Had I joined the band, their story would have been different, one way or another. Who knows? Every success story sees many people left on the periphery who haven't made it (yet). A snap decision made in a single random moment can affect the rest of your life. Anyway, I digress...

[quote name='AndyBob09' timestamp='1341795234' post='1724325']
...I felt a little disconnected from a band I was in... ...I left the band... ...I sorted out a permanent replacement...[/quote]

To the OP: I do sympathise! But if you left because you were feeling disconnected, then the band getting one high-profile gig shouldn't be a reason to stay with them. If you are a good player then opportunities will come your way. At least you resigned - imagine how you would feel had you been 'let go' - and then found out about the gig!

Edited July 9, 2012 by discreet

[thunderbird13]

[quote name='AndyBob09' timestamp='1341795234' post='1724325']
Does that sound awfully selfish?
[/quote]

TBH that sounds like a normal human rection

[discreet]

[quote name='Gust0o' timestamp='1341799623' post='1724335']
You were in Atomic Kitten?[/quote]

Yes. Yes, I was.

[chris_b]

You all decided not to dep because you’re not a function band?? Is depping just something “lesser” bands do? I’m sorry, but that is just an arrogant and pretty stupid idea.

If you're not going to dep then you have to cancel every gig that one of you can't make. When faced with the "big gig" all rules usually fly out of the window. Most bands will do the "big gig" come what may.

I think this is a silly rule, but it seems you played by the rules and they didn’t.

[BottomE]

Tough one but hey ho. Things move on. You said you were feeling disconnected - look into that. What made you feel like that?

[Commando Jack]

[quote name='chris_b' timestamp='1341825312' post='1724489']
You all decided not to dep because you’re not a function band?? Is depping just something “lesser” bands do? I’m sorry, but that is just an arrogant and pretty stupid idea.
[/quote]

I actually thought he meant the opposite, that the band weren't on that level where the gig is more important than the mates being together for the gig, so if someone couldn't make a gig it got turned down. As far as I was aware that was the norm for hobbyist cover bands and original bands.

My condolences anyway, would have been a sweet gig, but you can't predict the future and did the right thing based on the info you had at the time AndyBob.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Commando Jack

[xilddx]

Not sure if it's 'selfish', but it's definitely misguided. There is success, and success. To be a successful musician, for me, means that you are expressing yourself and enjoying it. The money and recognition is one thing (rare anyway), but it is no substitute for musical happiness, it's just a job otherwise. You may have felt good for a little while playing with them on bigger gigs and getting recognition, but you'll probably have fallen apart at some point.

Edited July 9, 2012 by silddx

[lojo]

If its just the gig in the park you wished you could have done, then you'll get over it, it's just a one off, gone when it's gone. But if you are feeling you'll miss the next steps the band may take due to that gig and direction then you may need to reconsider the decision, and if that's not possible, then make some serious efforts to become happy with it. I've met a fair few people who have a what if story and they haven't moved on in years.

Re, depping, if that's your binding rule then fair enough, don't think it disrespects anyone else, I dep for a few bands who wish to keep their covers/functions things going when a member can't make it, works for me, I'm not offended if anyone sees that as lesser?

[JTUK]

Understandable if you are feeling a bit left out but you made a decision so you need to come to terms with it. Do agree about the timing of the announcement though..!! Sounds..... Er, odd.

[Spike Vincent]

I can sort of empathise.Sacked a guitarist once.Strangely,he didn't consider me for his next project.Band called EMF,you may have heard of them..

[TimR]

When we make a decision we do it with all the information we have available to us at the time.

The only thing you should ever regret is not asking enough questions. You should never regret making a decision, however bad it may seem with hindsight.

Next time you should express your feelings to your band mates and ask them if they have any comments.

You have to ask why they didn't try to persuade you to stay if they knew about the gig. Are you sure that the new bass player didn't get them the gig?

Often when someone leaves a group it upsets the balance and makes the remaining members think about why the person left. If you hadn't left things would have probably carried on for a while with no much happening. You can only hang around for so long.

[AndyBob09]

Cheers guys,

Lots of niceties here.

I left the band, not because we weren't making any money - That would be the worst reason ever to leave an originals band - but because I just didn't feel part of the band I guess. A lot of music is about socialising. The 8-piece band socialised a lot and are a very close-knit group - with the exception of myself really so that's one reason I left.

Another reason is that I'm involved in other projects that I do enjoy more so that's a big factor. When you're not making money from bands, the enjoyment factor has to be well up there and it just wasn't unfortunately.

Now that I've mulled it over, them playing T In The Park was just another gig really. If they're off for better things, all the best to them - Despite being a founding member, it really wasn't me though.

Oh, and the depping thing came after a gig was depped off by two members and the keyboard player took a hissy fit. We all play in function bands and what not but I think his point was that not just anybody could come in (no offence to function players - we all do sterling jobs!) and play parts that we've all written by ourselves and play and I think he just felt a good bit of pride in his doings when it came to the parts that he'd written. After that hissy fit, we agreed not to dep off in the future.

[TimR]

Anyone can play a part that's been written by someone else. It's the writing of the part that only one person can do. Plenty of writers don't perform their own material.

Don't confuse 'nobody can' with 'don't want anyone to'.