Smallest and Grottiest Venues you've played!

[Painy]

As a 15 year old turned up at Kings Lynn working men's club to play my 3rd ever gig to be greeted with a sign on the door saying 'Due to the increase in drug taking and violence, patrons are required to leave the premises by 11.15PM'! Then spent the whole gig being heckled by a bloke who had, for reasons known only to himself, attached a condom to his forehead!
It wasn't all bad though. Half way through the second set our lead guitarist started running around the stage like a loony which inspired the rest of us to show a bit more enthusiasm and in turn managed to get the crowd a bit more engaged. Learnt an important lesson about showmanship that night. Years later mind you our lead player confessed he'd actually forgotten how to play the song and was just running across the stage to get a look at the rhythm player's chord sheet!
Played a pub in Ipswich once to a total crowd of two blokes.... They had a fight!
To be honest I quite like a bit of 'spit and sawdust' in a venue!

[Bassmonkey]

Played at The Olde Highwayman in Pontefract one time. Was a pub in the middle of a run so kept filling and emptying. Eventually only 2 people left. The guy gets up and I jokingly told him he couldn't leave, he replied that he was just off to the loo. A few mins later, he emerges whereupon his partner jumps up, grabs their coats and they both exited at top speed. I asked the barman what he wanted us to do, he says finish if you like so ended up back home by about 10 paid in full. Needless to say, didn't bother trying to get another date.

[Spike Vincent]

I played a "venue" called the Dew Drop Inn somewhere in the depths of London back in the '90's. It was tiny. The "stage" was in front of the entrance to the men's toilet. You can figure the rest out for yourselves....

[SpaceChick]

There's a pub in Swansea where you play in front of the kitchen, and so they have to walk past you with food orders.... It's tiny, so thankfully not that many food orders

The best one was in 1988 where I performed a Christmas charity gig on the perfume counter in Boots in Swansea.... The shoppers were literally banging into you and it got so hot that I actually fainted whilst playing!! The sad thing was I still stayed virtually upright despite being unconscious as there wasn't enough space to have fainted properly! LOL!

[chriswareham]

[quote name='Spike Vincent' timestamp='1381083908' post='2234206']
I played a "venue" called the Dew Drop Inn somewhere in the depths of London back in the '90's. It was tiny. The "stage" was in front of the entrance to the men's toilet. You can figure the rest out for yourselves....
[/quote]

The Dew Drop Inn - that wasn't in New Cross was it? Scary pub, about five minutes walk from my student house back nin the early 1990s. I came back from a visit home at some point to find it had closed down after a fatal stabbing and a drugs raid by the police. The pub that is, not my house.

[Spike Vincent]

Yes, New Cross, that's the one.

[Big_Stu]

[quote name='Jambo63' timestamp='1380804715' post='2230798']
In a rock covers band in the late 90s, we played a pub in Bonnyrigg near Edinburgh. The "bouncer" was in his late 70's, we were crammed in a corner booth with the drummer sitting on the booth couch rather than a drum seat, and the toilets were immediately to our right and everyone had to walk in front of the band to get to them. About half way through the first set the bar staff came rushing over to us telling us to stop playing. We didn't think we playing as bad as that - the reason ? two women were having a cat fight at the bar. classy !
[/quote]

The Calderwood

[Skol303]

[quote name='steve-soar' timestamp='1380921414' post='2232565']Kidderminster Market Tavern, cow sh*t all over the floor. Set the PA on fire.[/quote]

Sorry. Shouldn't laugh, but that's a belter.

[fumps]

[quote name='Bassmonkey' timestamp='1381062287' post='2233824']
Played at The Olde Highwayman in Pontefract one time. Was a pub in the middle of a run so kept filling and emptying. Eventually only 2 people left. The guy gets up and I jokingly told him he couldn't leave, he replied that he was just off to the loo. A few mins later, he emerges whereupon his partner jumps up, grabs their coats and they both exited at top speed. I asked the barman what he wanted us to do, he says finish if you like so ended up back home by about 10 paid in full. Needless to say, didn't bother trying to get another date.
[/quote]
Yeh I remember that place when it was called "The Bluebell" the pub around the corner "ABA" was a really bad one (Even by Ponte standards)

[Back to Bassics]

What a great thread. And BTW, the Dew Drop in New Cross was a friendly little local. And chriswareham, was the Brighton gig upstairs at the Quadrant (RIP now, I believe)?

Anyway, I think my smallest gig was the British Legion in Tamworth in the late '70s. Worko pick-up "band", tiny room, completely packed by about 20 punters, with two of us playing in the corner under the dart board (that people wanted to use). Nobody wanted us there, and to make things much, much worse, I won the raffle at half time. Big trug full of meat - chops, steaks, etc.

The nastiest was probably a pub in Pompey called True Blue, some time in the '90s IIRC. It turned out to be an NF/BNP haunt and they didn't like "black" music. Luckily our then guitarist (now sadly no longer with us) had invited members of his family and friends from the 'Awk in Brighton.

We were very happy for their support in a trying time.

[Cameronj279]

Audio in Glasgow is by far the worst venue I've ever played in. Hell, I'd say its the worst venue I've ever been in. Horrible little place in every way possible. Sound was pretty crappy, it was freezing cold, damp, smelly, the bar was very expensive (drinks were also pretty warm), bar service was rude and scarce, the in-house sound guy kept adding Distortion to any bass DI at random points (mid songs and to songs that do not need distortion) and to top it all off the venue was expensive. I didn't pay for it but it was apparently around £200 to hire the venue for the night.

[JTUK]

Just can't entertain them anymore..... if there isn't room for a 5m sq playing area then it is a pass.

[cclowend]

Bowling alley somewhere in the darkest depths of the forest of dean. Everyone hated us as we were crap and we had to defend ourselves as we loaded the van!

[Number6]

We played Ravensbourne College in Kent in the 90's.....only the mids worked on the PA and we were sh*te.....luckily they were all pi$$ed so the crowd didn't really care.....

[dudewheresmybass]

-

Edited March 30, 2014 by dudewheresmybass

[dudewheresmybass]

Chriswareham- the ex toilet on the edge of the park is the tunbridge wells forum. Played there a few times too!

I've played in a fair few venues where, when playing even a p bass, I've had to stand against my rig to allow access to the gents!

Played at the standard too! That sofa was appalling! We refused to even use the backstage area (such as it was!)

[chriswareham]

[quote name='Back to Bassics' timestamp='1396186328' post='2410715']
What a great thread. And BTW, the Dew Drop in New Cross was a friendly little local. And chriswareham, was the Brighton gig upstairs at the Quadrant (RIP now, I believe)?
[/quote]

The Dew Drop was quite intimidating when I lived in New Cross in 1992-4 - the regulars included a bunch of crusty squatter types with a taste for heroin, hence the drug raid. Got threatened in there on one occasion by some dreadlocked cretin for wearing eye liner. Loved the New Cross Venue just across the way from it though, saw some great gigs there featuring goth and crusty bands like Alien Sex Fiend and Creaming Jesus.

Brighton was a pub opposite the main railway station in 1998. I was in a band called Killing Miranda who had generated a bit of a buzz, which is probably why we had to play to two audiences in succession. I remember having blood running down the body on my prized Stingray bass by the end of the second set because I used to have an appalling playing technique with my wrist rubbing against the bridge until it blistered and bled.

[chriswareham]

[quote name='dudewheresmybass' timestamp='1396216603' post='2411159']
Chriswareham- the ex toilet on the edge of the park is the tunbridge wells forum. Played there a few times too!
[/quote]

Just checked, and that's the one. Great little venue as well - those Victorians knew how to build a toilet!

Rereading this thread reminds me of another nightmare venue, but only because of what was going on elsewhere in the same building. It was a club in Liverpool, which seems to be a cursed place for me, in some sort of converted red brick industrial or warehouse building near the city centre. There was a fetish club on the first floor, and the bands were playing on the second floor. The dressing room was on the first floor though, which meant negotiating the length of the fetish club for a quiet pee or to raid the rider. Every time I went down there someone (male judging by the figure) in a gimp suit that inhibited their movement would frantically stumble after me all the time mumbling through their mask. Then I knocked our sequencer off the stage during the actual gig, but thankfully no one noticed as the sound man hadn't mixed any of our electronic backing into the front of house sound. The night was completed when we got to our digs at the promoters house, to find that her ex-boyfriend had broken in to steal the washing machine and panicing her dogs that had proceeded to crap prodigously all over the place.

Edited March 30, 2014 by chriswareham

[Leen2112]

Many years ago I played Anthonys Hotel in Kirckaldy with an originals band.....the PA didn't turn up and it was a big room. Then the Satan slaves (hells angels) turned up!! Needless to say they never payed....prob coz my mate on the door never asked them, no idea why. The Guitarists new wireless packed up and me and the drummer had to try to entertain the slaves with some freeeform 'jazz oddessy'.

[Mark Dyer]

I remember, or should I say can never forget, playing a pub called The Charles Dickens in Colchester. I was on tour with a local band, we had just come down from Norwich and had been booked there before moving onto to Oxford. Arrived at the venue late afternoon, not a small place by any means, large raised stage, dressing room, all looked good, Gary Moore's "Still Got The Blues For You" was playing on the jukebox as we walked in.

Landlord seemed a pleasant chap, we unloaded and started to set up, "Still Got The Blues..." was playing a second time, it finished and then came on again, then a fourth time, a fifth, it just kept repeating back to back? I looked across at the landlord, he was clearly enjoying the song, singing along, miming, etc. I shouted over "I think the song has stuck?" He said "Nah, I love this song, can't stop listening to it."

This went on for another hour as we set up for a soundcheck, the damn song playing repeatedly over and over... He had to switch it off for the soundcheck but as soon as we finished he was there shoving more tokens in, "Still Got The Blues..." on repeat, no break, no other songs, just that song. One of the guitarists had started to develop a nervous twitch.

After another hour or so I snapped and decided to put something different on the jukebox, selected some Aerosmith, GnR or whatever, got about 30 secs into the Aerosmith track and whoosh, the landlord rushes over switches it off says "I'm not listening to that I want to listen to Gary Moore" On goes "Still Got The Blues..." again and again and again.

We had next to no money and had a rider and food at the venue so going elsewhere wasn't an option, so there we sat, for hours, the same damn song playing in the background with no let up, it was like torture, the landlord still behind the bar miming to the guitar solos. Eventually we went on at 10.00 to a virtually empty pub (can't think why?) played an hour's set and started to pack up, yes you guessed it, "Still Got The Blues..." on repeat play once more.

We packed up in record time and got the hell out of there, I swear I must've heard that damn song over 100 times that night. Never been back since, still hate the damn song to this day.

[JTUK]

.. well, it is a crap song.

[Truckstop]

I remember playing a pub in Ruislip last year. Can't remember what it was called, thankfully. It was a massive Victorian corner type place with a huge stage and a massive house PA (that we weren't allowed to use).
Sadly empty of punters but for two mental looking kids propping up the bar.
So we started in earnest figuring it'd be a paid rehearsal. Landlady didn't move the pool table from the dance floor, not that anyone was there to dance, and it generally stank. No punters, chef smoking outside the front door all night and no staff to be seen behind the bar.
Halfway through the second set one of the kids ran up to the stage shouting "play something we know!!!!!" and gripped our 68 year old singer by the neck and started choking him. I threw off my instrument (string tree fell off), shoved the dude out of the way and pinned him against a wall. He was definitely on something so I proceeded with caution when I handled him to the floor and stuck my knee in his back.
The drummer went off to find the landlady (who was upstairs watching TV) who came down and told the guy to piss off before she called the police. I let him get up and he slapped me in the face before running off, laughing. w***er.
We packed up in record time, got paid and left. I charged the landlady the cost of getting my string tree fixed (£50, at the time(!)) and vowed never to go back.
So I left the band soon after because I was bored of it and then found out that they'd accepted another gig at the same place. Unbelievably, the singer got attacked again! This time in the car park while loading out.

Smallest has to be the 12 Bar in Camden. Great vibe!

Truckstop

[Dr.Dave]

The guy who does our guirtarist's MOT hired us to do his party at the Featherstone Hotel - near Pontefract a couple of years back. What a toilet. Full of knuckle draggers in vests and tracky bottoms covered in tats - all over pissed and methadone bottles all over the floor. Fights everywhere - gear being knocked about etc etc It ended with me pulling some scumbag fom the top of our trailer , who bashed his head open and attacked our guitarist , only to be dropped by our roadie. All I have to say is don't ever go anywhere near that shithole that is Featherstone. I'd pull the bloody lever myself.

[KingBollock]

Try as I might I can't remember the name of the pub I am thinking of. It was in the Hillfields area of Coventry, a famously rough area full of prostitutes and drug gangs. The pub had the most fascinating clientele, if you've ever seen Pirates of the Caribbean you'll have a pretty good idea of what they looked like. The place was packed but there was only a handful of teeth between the lot of 'em. There was far too short a complement of eyes, too. Carrying the gear in through the bar was really, really scary, but then I was only 16. In the end, though, the gig was great and everyone enjoyed themselves.

Oddly, the worst one was a disco gig in a massive, very, very posh and expensive hotel. Again, I can't remember the name of the damned place. I remember being tickled pink when, while we were setting up in the middle of the day, a waiter in full get-up, white gloves, the lot, came and served us tea with a silver service. I'd never seen such a thing before.
The gig was a Christmas do for Travellers. There were over 300 of them. Every table had crackers, party poppers and streamers on them. The first people in were three kids, probably around 7 years old. They went 'round and took everything off the tables, destroyed the lot and dumped them in a huge pile right in the middle of the dance floor. And all night the little f***ers would threaten to get their dad to kill me if the DJ didn't play the songs they requested. Normally my job was to do the lights (the light rig for the disco was massive, the biggest I have ever seen for a mobile disco. Sometimes if we had booked three smaller discos for a weekend we could actually split it into three and each still be bigger than others we usually saw. It was brilliant, I loved that job.) but the boss was a coward and decided that that night he would hide behind the lighting console and stuck me on the stage to take requests, which was a job he made up just to be a dick.

Edited April 3, 2014 by KingBollock

[lowlandtrees]

Played a famous place in Grangemouth. Won't name it but it is/was near the docks. It was full of hookers. The image of the night was a couple in front of the stage. She was sitting in semi prone position and he was literally pouring beer into her face. Unfortunately it was also dribbling out the bottom end into an expanding puddle on the floor. Was a great gig.