John Cellario Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) [b] Read This Before You Play Music In Public[/b] [url="http://somethingyousaid.com/2013/04/25/read-this-before-you-play-music-in-public/"]April 25, 2013[/url] [url="http://somethingyousaid.com/2013/04/25/read-this-before-you-play-music-in-public/spinal-tap/"][/url] These are the rules. I didn’t make them up. These are inalienable truths, a part of the divine spectrum of unquestionable constants that hold our universe together. There might be those who feel deeply offended by some of the wisdom contained herein but I must insist that it is firmly in your interest to understand that the rules are quite infallible and with the greatest of respect, if you take issue with this doctrine, you are very probably a massive douchebag and it is thus all the more important that you adhere to these rules lest you reveal yourself as such. Now read and obey. [b]1. Don’t play a Stratocaster.[/b] Ok, I know this is a controversial place to start given the heritage of this most iconic of electric guitars but playing one in the 21st century is just wrong. It’s like showing up on a first date wearing trackie bottoms: completely lame and half-arsed. The flagship model of the Fender fleet has today become the graceless mule of a million sh*tty pub bands playing Clapton covers and obliviously breaking every rule in the book. Then, having chosen an acceptable instrument to play, don’t suspend it from a strap that proudly sports the name and branding of your guitar’s manufacturer. The Gibson guitar strap should be held in the same regard as the Rolex key-ring and the Ferrari baseball cap. [b]2. Don’t wear shorts.[/b] Everything must exist within the confines of its proper environment. Pele didn’t perform in jeans; Elvis didn’t perform in f***ing shorts. Have some damn respect for your art. (It should be noted that this rule may be utterly disregarded only by Angus Young and by women with nice legs) [b]3. Keep your shirt on.[/b] It doesn’t matter if it’s 110 degrees up there and you have the torso of a curiously bronze Norse God, when a musician removes his shirt, he exposes himself as nothing more than a bit of a tool. [b]4. A drum kit shall comprise of no more than two toms, no more than three cymbals and shall be mounted on individual stands, not on a scaffolding rig.[/b] While it is true that percussion is very important, it remains truer still that a large and complex array of drums and cymbals enhances the experience only of the drummer and of the two drum geeks who seem to show up at every gig and whose opinions are under no circumstances to be treated as valid. NOTE. The role of the drummer is a complex and delicate issue and at its heart lies what might be termed The Percussion Paradox. This is the all too common misconception among drummers that because they play the most inconveniently proportioned instrument and are largely responsible for the rhythmic structure upon which a performance is built, the importance of their job makes them deserving of the attention and admiration of all. This is a grotesquely false assumption. The classy drummer keeps his mouth shut and his sh*t tight, shows up on time and tries not to piss everybody off. There is a famous rock cliché that says a band is only as good as its drummer. This may be true in the sense that a poor drummer can really f*** up a good band but such logic would suggest this statement to be no more meaningful than the assertion that a house is only as good as its sewage pipe and you just wouldn’t make that your major selling point in a difficult property market. But then the original quote has been attributed to Bobby Gillespie and I never heard anything come out of his mouth that didn’t sound to me like cattle. [b]5. A bass guitar shall have no more than four strings.[/b] It should also be noted that an electric bass guitar must have frets and its body should in no way look like it might be made from a moose antler. Furthermore if the instrument entirely obscures both nipples, you’re wearing it too high. [b]6. Do not address the audience using the name of the town or city in which you are performing.[/b] “Helloooo Aldershottt!” Come on, it’s just embarrassing. [b]7. Don’t announce the address of your band website from the stage.[/b] Laboratory tests have confirmed there is just no cool way of doing this. It simply reeks of desperation. [b]8. If you don’t intend to bust out any badass dance moves, you don’t need a radio mic.[/b] Same goes for wireless guitar systems and regardless of the convenience of such a setup, nobody shall ever take to the stage wearing one of those headset microphones like somebody who works in a f***ing call-centre. Dear God no. [b]9. Don’t end every song with an extensive monologue of requests for a perfect monitor balance.[/b] Nothing kills the magic of live music like letting us all in on the secret that you also think it sounds like sh*t. If you can hear anything at all, you can get to work. Pretend it sounds great and we might all believe you. [b]10. If you absolutely must play a shredding guitar solo, do not wear the facial contortions of a man being aggressively fellated.[/b] Yes, even you Clapton. It’s the worst kind of musical perversion. That look of pained ecstasy, eyes tight shut but raised to the heavens, the shake of the head like it’s all too much, the sudden burst of surprise like the angels of axemanship just tossed in a cheeky little lick you weren’t even expecting, those baffling twitches of the mouth as your body and instrument become as one and you are helpless but to reinforce those fretboard acrobatics with wild eyebrow leaps and the silent scat of a terrified half-wit speaking in tongues with his pants around his ankles. You should see what they do to people like you in prison. The End. Edited February 7, 2014 by John Cellario Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EBS_freak Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Saw it on facebook. It's as arse now as it was when I saw it on facebook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Vader Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 With all due respect, this is utter bullshit. Of the highest order. Probably written by some twat in a terrible pub covers band who has a horrible shiny 7-string Ibanez guitar, can't play lead solos for toffee and has a gut like Jabbas. Or not. He should say, "If you are not a dull shoe-gazey indie muppet, you should't be in a band" or "Don't form a band". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Westie9 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I'll pass Number 4 onto our drummer... He's got more metal around him than a scrap yard!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judo Chop Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 [quote name='Dave Vader' timestamp='1391786992' post='2361316'] He should say, "If you are not a dull shoe-gazey indie muppet, you should't be in a band" or "Don't form a band". [/quote] Thank God, I can carry on as normal then! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Jack Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Nothing wrong with saying hello to the town where you're playing: "Hey! Feltham! Good t'be hyah!". Or, as I learned from seeing Heavy Metal BeeGees band Tragedy, "Hey! London Town City!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beer of the Bass Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) When was it ever about following rules? Some of my favourite musical moments consist of people doing things that they "shouldn't" do. Edited February 7, 2014 by Beer of the Bass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skankdelvar Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Wow. Scintillating piece. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulWarning Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 11. Don't announce the name of every band member and let them do a little (hopefully) solo, nobody's interested, and if it's well known band they know the names anyway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EBS_freak Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 12. Rules are to be broken. F**k em. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skej21 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) 13. Don't expect musicians to agree with ANY of these... They have far too much ego to believe its relevant to them! Edited February 7, 2014 by skej21 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delberthot Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Well that's the Chilis well and truly pumped then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevB Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I fell at the first hurdle. All my Fender basses have Fender logo straps and all the same colour come to think of it. I've always rather liked them... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ezbass Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) It's Friday afternoon boys and girls, lighten up a bit this is meant to be a giggle after all; the bit about covering up your nipples made me smile anyway EDIT: my 'go to' bass is a 5 string fretless so I am all sorts of wrong it appears Edited February 7, 2014 by ezbass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Cloud Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Music is art....there are no rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimR Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 14. Keyboard player. Three sounds are all you need, piano, strings and Hammond. You don't need to sit, you're not even carrying your instrument. Throw away that music stand, we know you can sight read but this is rock, learn the three chords. Put that left hand in your pocket, we have a bass player. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waynepunkdude Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Rule 5 of cycling is better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bassace Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Agree re scaffolding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHW Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 [b]1. Don’t play a Stratocaster.[/b] I have done this, but not in the way that the whinger, whinges- I'm not trying to be Hendrix, Clapton or any of the multitude of players that are associated with Strats. I play like me- [b]2. Don’t wear shorts.[/b] I've been told by a couple of gay guys, that I have nice legs- so for all the gay guys out there who like a bit of live classic rock (and when we happen to play that summer afternoon outdoor gig), my shorts are on standby. [b]3. Keep your shirt on.[/b] No-one but Mrs W, wants to see me shirtless- I'm with this one. [b]4. A drum kit shall comprise of no more than two toms, no more than three cymbals and shall be mounted on individual stands, not on a scaffolding rig.[/b] I must admit that I tend to agree with this (a bit), the best drummers I've played with have tended to be able to get a great sound out of a 5 piece kit, with nothing more than a hi-hat, crash and ride. (I'll allow a cowbell) [b]5. A bass guitar shall have no more than four strings.[/b] Just go away- silly boy, [b]6. Do not address the audience using the name of the town or city in which you are performing.[/b] I kind of appreciate our singer's tongue in cheek versions of this- "Godley Labour Club....You Rock!!" [b]7. Don’t announce the address of your band website from the stage.[/b] Not guilty, but don't care [b]8. If you don’t intend to bust out any badass dance moves, you don’t need a radio mic.[/b] I've seen too many bands in pubs with a crap sound, thinking, why doesn't some bugger come out here and listen to what we can hear. Wireless is worth it, if only for this. [b]9. Don’t end every song with an extensive monologue of requests for a perfect monitor balance.[/b] You've got a sound man????? [b]10. If you absolutely must play a shredding guitar solo, do not wear the facial contortions of a man being aggressively fellated.[/b] The guitarists in the band are getting on a bit now, any facial contortions probably mean they are getting desparate for a wee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seashell Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Well I thought it was funny. Totally agree with number 9. And I would never take my top off at a gig. No matter how many blokes in the audience called for it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimR Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 [quote name='seashell' timestamp='1391800645' post='2361532'] Well I thought it was funny. Totally agree with number 9. And I would never take my top off at a gig. No matter how many blokes in the audience called for it [/quote] I went to a gig like that. I had to leave in the break, the band sounded awful Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bassassin Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I personally (can't speak for bandmates past, present or future) have never broken any of these "rules". Except maybe 2, if cropped combats count. Anyway, I now feel that having inadvertantly adhered to this asinine "code", I have somehow failed, so I must make it my priority to go out of my way to flagrantly commit each & every one of these so-called transgressions. All at the same gig. Jon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seashell Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 [quote name='TimR' timestamp='1391800931' post='2361545'] I went to a gig like that. I had to leave in the break, the band sounded awful [/quote] We can clear a bar in 2 minutes. And that's without taking our tops off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JapanAxe Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) [b]6. Do not address the audience using the name of the town or city in which you are performing.[/b] [color=#282828][font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]“Helloooo Aldershottt!”[/font][/color] [color=#282828][font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Come on, it’s just embarrassing.[/font][/color] Last night we played in Cwmbran, and the guy who booked us lives in Croesyceiliog, as do many in the audience. I got both names into one of the songs - how cool is that! And I played my Strat in the second set, so there. EDIT: However, I once announced 'Good evening Newbury', except we were in Hungerford. D'oh! Edited February 7, 2014 by JapanAxe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigd1 Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Rules...... get a [email="F@cking"]F@cking[/email] life !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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