Regular gigging and its effects on relationships

[PaulWarning]

[quote name='blue' timestamp='1424930720' post='2701994']
A little off topic. Thing is, for me at least. At 62 I have lost the ability to know if a young woman is giving you the sign that she's interested. When I was a young guy my instincts were a lot sharper. Last weekend at a gig, I helped a young cocktail waitress ( 26 or 27 years old ) lift a case of wine. She made some comment like, [i]"It looks like we work well together"[/i]

Was I suppose to do something?

Blue
[/quote]I know what you mean, do they fancy you or are they patronising an old man lol, personally I have a rule, if she's younger that my eldest daughter that's too young, A younger woman was coming on to me once (well I think she was), trouble was I'd known her since she was a young girl, I would have felt like a paedophile

[discreet]

[quote name='blue' timestamp='1424930720' post='2701994']
Last weekend at a gig, I helped a young cocktail waitress ( 26 or 27 years old ) lift a case of wine. She made some comment like, [i]"It looks like we work well together" [color=#ffffff]M[/color][/i]Was I suppose to do something?
[/quote]

Yes.

[quote name='PaulWarning' timestamp='1424944467' post='2702120']
A younger woman was coming on to me once, trouble was I'd known her since she was a young girl, I would have felt like a paedophile
[/quote]

But the fact is, you wouldn't have been! The one thing people [i]don't [/i]say on their death beds is, 'I wish I hadn't done so much shagging'.
Well... unless you're Freddie Mercury, that is.

Edited February 26, 2015 by discreet

[gary mac]

[quote name='blue' timestamp='1424748261' post='2700009']

[i]"Cool, I think your cool too, however understand that music and gigging will always be number 1 and you will always be number 2."[/i]

Blue
[/quote]

If I were a single chap and in need of some good chat up lines, this would definitely not be one of them


You American chaps are smooth tongued blighters.

[JTUK]

[quote name='sharkboy' timestamp='1424818159' post='2700927']
I met my first wife at one of our gigs many years ago. At that stage, we were gigging at least 2 nights a week, but quite frequently we'd do 4 nights (Wednesday to Saturday) straight for around 3 months. It was tiring, yes, especially since we all had other jobs, but boy the money was good! A couple of days after we were married she asked when I was going to tell the guys in the band that I was leaving - this was the first this had even been mentioned! I told her that had she brought that up before the wedding, there wouldn't have been one. The band was there before her, and if she kept pushing it, it would be there after her too. Needless to say, it was downhill from then on, though the money that I was bringing in from gigging did take the sting out of it.

My second wife loves the fact that I play in a band. She comes to pretty much every gig we play, and often tells me how proud she is of me when I'm onstage. She'd never do anything to jeopardise my band, despite it interfering with her plans on a number of occasions. That's when you know you've got a keeper!
[/quote]

Part one is a horrible turn of events...!!! a few days after the wedding she springs that on you...from nowhere..??
Bands to me aren't the be-all and end-all and they have to end sooner rather than later, but by the same time they are
part of your life and you do commit to them, so the way she played that wouldn't have impressed at all.
It is all about understanding the other person as to whether you can go forward on those terms...whatever they are..but you should have them out front of you..not a hidden surprise agenda..!!

[PaulWarning]

[quote name='discreet' timestamp='1424946135' post='2702141']
Yes.



But the fact is, you wouldn't have been! The one thing people [i]don't [/i]say on their death beds is, 'I wish I hadn't done so much shagging'.
Well... unless you're Freddie Mercury, that is.
[/quote]depends, shagging around usually involves upsetting someone else, most people with any degree of humanity regret that, I had chances to cheat on my ex, I never did and I don't regret it now, mind you I did at the time :-)

[JTUK]

[quote name='blue' timestamp='1424820160' post='2700949']
I'm 62, is there really plenty of time?

Blue
[/quote]

No, not really. It depends how good you are on your own and will continue to be as you slow down.
My mother lost my father a few years ago and she can't cope with lack of company...and it is when you
lose the independence of doing what you could always do, that it becomes more apparent...??

[discreet]

[quote name='PaulWarning' timestamp='1424948598' post='2702165']
depends, shagging around usually involves upsetting someone else, most people with any degree of humanity regret that, I had chances to cheat on my ex, I never did and I don't regret it now, mind you I did at the time :-)
[/quote]

It largely depends who you're with and what kind of person you are, for sure. I've slowed down quite considerably over the years, largely because I get on well with the current mrs discreet and when young master discreet fell out of her twelve years ago (is it that long??) things changed, as they do.

Which is not to say I wouldn't take the opportunity if it presented itself, but I'm not getting any younger, thinner, richer or better-looking! It would have to be someone with pretty niche tastes who chats me up these days!

Edited February 26, 2015 by discreet

[Marc S]

I'm in my "second phase" of playing bass
The first phase I gave up, partly due to relationships and getting married, having my son etc etc

After 20+ years, and a divorce, I started playing again about 6 or 7 years back...
I've never looked back since

I really don't think I'd have been able to balance work & family life the first time round
I know I'm really lucky, in that my (2nd) wife is just so supportive, and often comes along to gigs etc

I'm involved in several bands / duos and work full time
We don't have kids (my son is now nearly 23!) - so I'm "lucky" again in that sense
But time is still an issue, as I have to spend lots of time practising and learning songs...

I really don't know how you manage full time work, family life and being busy musically too
Hats off to you. Yes music is your hobby, and is very important to you
but divorce is painful and expensive....
I'd say talk to your wife and see what you can work out

Explain that music is your passion, but consider that you must also help her, and be supportive
Also, as my lad was growing up, and we lived in different towns
there was an awful lot I later felt I missed out on
I'm sure you wouldn't want that for your kids...

Maybe you could use a dep player for some gigs?

Whatever - I wish you luck and all the best with it
It's tricky, there are no "right" answers which will work for everyone...
Hope you sort it, and come to a happy arrangement

Marc

[Weststarx]

[quote name='blue' timestamp='1424748261' post='2700009']

I will tell any woman up front that shows interest in me;

[i]"Cool, I think your cool too, however understand that music and gigging will always be number 1 and you will always be number 2."[/i]

Blue
[/quote]

Damn straight!

[size=2][i](I would never have the balls)[/i][/size]

[mcnach]

[quote name='dadofsix' timestamp='1424660171' post='2698899']
Small children can make any relationship rocky, at times. Without knowing more of your situation, I can only generalize. Forgive me if I offend in any way.

Look, from your perspective, you're working hard, doing what you love, and getting paid to do it. From her perspective, you're out having fun WITH ADULTS, while she's trapped at home with two teeny weenies with all the responsibilities of a single mother when you're away. I'm not saying that it's fair that she's feeling this way but, when push comes to shove, I'm guessing she's feeling trapped in her situation without you there. Deep down, I don't think she wants you to change. What I DO think she wants is for you to recognize her sacrifice, for you to find appropriate and genuine ways of showing her how much you appreciate that sacrifice, for you to support her willingly and happily when she needs time to herself, or when she needs time with you. Marriage is hard work, to be sure. But it is infinitely easier if both partners feel that the other is pulling their weight in the responsibilities department. She's already had time to build up resentment. It will take time for that resentment to cool -- but it will.

One last thing before I end this missive, never forget that she's the one who is answering your children's question: "Where is daddy tonight?" Do you want them to hear their mother tell them that: "Daddy is off working hard for us. He really wishes he could be here with us now but he can't, so make him feel extra special when you see him tomorrow." OR, do you want them to hear: "Your father is off with his friends having fun. He doesn't have any time for us." Daughters and sons learn from their father what it means to be the "man of the house." Just what are they learning from you?

Make her feel appreciated. Go more than the extra mile in sacrificing your free time so she can remember what it's like being an adult without having children grabbing at her leg or feeling that she needs to immediately respond to a whiney voice. You married this woman knowing what was expected of you. You brought children into this world knowing how much would be demanded of you. I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue your dream. What I am saying is that you should do everything you can to show her how much you appreciate what she is sacrificing of her own dreams while you pursue yours.

Best of luck to you and your family.

<><Peace
[/quote]


wonderful post.

[uncle psychosis]

[quote name='dadofsix' timestamp='1424660171' post='2698899']
Small children can make any relationship rocky, at times. Without knowing more of your situation, I can only generalize. Forgive me if I offend in any way.

Look, from your perspective, you're working hard, doing what you love, and getting paid to do it. From her perspective, you're out having fun WITH ADULTS, while she's trapped at home with two teeny weenies with all the responsibilities of a single mother when you're away. I'm not saying that it's fair that she's feeling this way but, when push comes to shove, I'm guessing she's feeling trapped in her situation without you there. Deep down, I don't think she wants you to change. What I DO think she wants is for you to recognize her sacrifice, for you to find appropriate and genuine ways of showing her how much you appreciate that sacrifice, for you to support her willingly and happily when she needs time to herself, or when she needs time with you. Marriage is hard work, to be sure. But it is infinitely easier if both partners feel that the other is pulling their weight in the responsibilities department. She's already had time to build up resentment. It will take time for that resentment to cool -- but it will.

One last thing before I end this missive, never forget that she's the one who is answering your children's question: "Where is daddy tonight?" Do you want them to hear their mother tell them that: "Daddy is off working hard for us. He really wishes he could be here with us now but he can't, so make him feel extra special when you see him tomorrow." OR, do you want them to hear: "Your father is off with his friends having fun. He doesn't have any time for us." Daughters and sons learn from their father what it means to be the "man of the house." Just what are they learning from you?

Make her feel appreciated. Go more than the extra mile in sacrificing your free time so she can remember what it's like being an adult without having children grabbing at her leg or feeling that she needs to immediately respond to a whiney voice. You married this woman knowing what was expected of you. You brought children into this world knowing how much would be demanded of you. I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue your dream. What I am saying is that you should do everything you can to show her how much you appreciate what she is sacrificing of her own dreams while you pursue yours.

Best of luck to you and your family.

<><Peace
[/quote]

This. This. This. Great post.