molan Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 My wife loves it when I'm out of the house - the more practices and gigs the better as far as she's concerned. Gives her a chance to watch whatever she wants, read a book without me bothering her etc. The only thing she misses is that I do all the cooking so when I'm out she has to make do with something pre-prepared Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weststarx Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 [quote name='CamdenRob' timestamp='1424684758' post='2699025'] Having said that, if we had children I'd give up playing out in bands altogether as I would want to be doing my fair share of parenting duites. I'd never expect her to look after the kids all the time whilst I was out gigging. [/quote] With kids involved this would be me to, until they are able to look after themselves. I had difficulties with my girlfriend when I first joined a band because when I was out I was with the band, and when I was with her I was looking at and buying new guitars and gear. My life and money sort of revolved around music, and admittedly I forgot about my girlfriend a bit. We had a fair few arguments about it because she was saving for us to move out and I was saving for me to buy guitars. My first thought when I had some spare money was immediately to buy something musical rather save for a house or take her out, but since she made me see what I was doing I've completely changed. I think sometimes you have to look around and question how much energy you are putting into certain things. Responsibilities need to come before a hobby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louisthebass Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 TBH, I'd put your relationship first - if Mrs Flup is "the one", don't do anything to muck it up. It's difficult, especially as you're in a situation where the band is doing really well, but it's not the be all and end all in life. It's difficult for a female partner to be with a musician (unless the female partner has also been, or is in a band) as it is mainly unsocial hours, and there is a "trust aspect" involved as well. A lot of what Dadofsix says also applies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulWarning Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I packed the band when the kids came along, it's a very difficult time anyway, fast forward 20 years and I started the band up again just as my wife walked out, nothing to do with that but the kids grew up and all of a sudden we'd got nothing in common, I've now got a partner who loves coming to gigs, but 2 of the members have just announced they're leaving after 10 years and I suspect it's something to do with their partners. Basically I can't see how a relationship can survive unless the wife/partner supports what you're doing, especially when there's youngsters involved, she's at home looking after them while you're out having fun, no wonder resentment builds up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaytonaRik Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) I'm in an odd position as SWMBO and I don't live together but spend weekends together. Therefore, in her mind gigs are an intrusion into *OUR* time. Neither of us have children so that isn't a concern. That said, she doesn't mind the odd night out watching the band and quite enjoys the rewards that comes from the gigs e.g. a holiday, treats, meals out etc This is the complete opposite of an ex who effectively acted as as a 'tour manager' at gigs - sorting everything out from time to arrive, place to stash gear, helped load in/out to learning how to run the lighting desk! In both cases, I was a musician before the relationship began and so it was an accepted part of who I was/what I did! Edited February 23, 2015 by DaytonaRik Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hairychris Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 The only reason that I'm in my current band is because the previous bassist's wife gave him an ultimatum after #2 was born... If you're a professional musician then that's one thing, but if it isn't your main source of income I can see a much harder argument to win. FWIW I've never been in a relationship long enough to have this sort of problem myself but that's a whole other issue..! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weststarx Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 [quote name='DaytonaRik' timestamp='1424690009' post='2699093'] I'm in an odd position as SWMBO and I don't live together but spend weekends together. Therefore, in her mind gigs are an intrusion into *OUR* time. [/quote] Whilst my girlfriend and I are on the same page now about me being in a band, I still have that problem if we've both been busy all week and then I'm gigging at the weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wooks79 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 [quote name='hairychris' timestamp='1424690476' post='2699100'] The only reason that I'm in my current band is because the previous bassist's wife gave him an ultimatum after #2 was born... If you're a professional musician then that's one thing, but if it isn't your main source of income I can see a much harder argument to win. [/quote] I can't imagine I would very nice to live with if I had no chance to get out a bit and let off some steam... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RockfordStone Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 [quote name='Wooks79' timestamp='1424693985' post='2699159'] I can't imagine I would very nice to live with if I had no chance to get out a bit and let off some steam... [/quote] My wife has actually told me that i'm hard to live with if i'm not in a band or playing shows.... apparently i get moody and boring Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bassace Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) Back in the day, when Mrs B and I got married things were a bit difficult and she was a bit miffed at having to decline party invites etc because I had a gig. Actually I had a weekend residency which blotted out a lot of together time. So I saw the writing on the wall and gave up playing for a few years. Trouble was we were not very flush and I really needed the cash but I new what I had to do. Bang up to date and I really think that soon I'll have to give up gigs - old age/health issues. When I mentioned it the other day it decame apparent that she rather valued the time I was away and she could have a bit of time to herself. So, go figure. Edited February 23, 2015 by bassace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadofsix Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 [quote name='Wooks79' timestamp='1424693985' post='2699159'] I can't imagine I would very nice to live with if I had no chance to get out a bit and let off some steam... [/quote] I think that's the problem that the OPs girlfriend is suffering with having to spend so much time alone with two tiny children. Just sayin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceChick Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 [quote name='scoobystig' timestamp='1424641991' post='2698729'] I took 5 years off during the birth of our child [/quote] Blinking heck.... That was a long labour Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) [quote name='louisthebass' timestamp='1424689374' post='2699086'] TBH, I'd put your relationship first - if Mrs Flup is "the one", don't do anything to muck it up. It's difficult, especially as you're in a situation where the band is doing really well, but it's not the be all and end all in life. It's difficult for a female partner to be with a musician (unless the female partner has also been, or is in a band) as it is mainly unsocial hours, and there is a "trust aspect" involved as well. A lot of what Dadofsix says also applies. [/quote] The whole relationship thing in part depends on where your at in life and what music and gigging means to you. I am sure it means different things to young guys with young families than with older guys like me that live a life of liberty. The OP is in an interesting situation and will have to eventually make decisions I would not want to entertain. Me, I'm divorced ( 20 years ). I'm in a band that is busy with gigging. While I'm a weekend warrior It's far from a hobby for me. The gigs are important and so is the money. I'm a circuit guy, 4 hour bar gigs every weekend, rock and roll and gigging is all I have in life and all I want. I just got out of a year relationship and have no plans on getting into another one. I opinion that most women don't get the whole gigging or being in a band thing. A few years ago a woman I was dating said to me [i]" It doesn't matter to me whether your in a band or not to me."[/i] Being in a gigging rock band is my whole identity. I ended the relationship. I will tell any woman up front that shows interest in me; [i]"Cool, I think your cool too, however understand that music and gigging will always be number 1 and you will always be number 2."[/i] Blue Edited February 24, 2015 by blue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 [quote name='Truckstop' timestamp='1424642409' post='2698739'] My wife doesn't mind as long as I'm earning money to put in the joint account. We're looking to buy a house when we can and the £6,000 I've brought in from gigs over the last couple of years helps! But, the day she says she wants me to stay at home is the day I'll stop gigging. I'd much rather have a healthy relationship than pander over my own selfish desires. Some things are worth working for. [/quote] Were all different, gigging and rock and roll will always be more important to me than any woman. But that's me. Blue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 [quote name='louisthebass' timestamp='1424689374' post='2699086'] TBH, I'd put your relationship first - if Mrs Flup is "the one", don't do anything to muck it up. It's difficult, especially as you're in a situation where the band is doing really well, but it's not the be all and end all in life.[/quote] It is for me, and it seems completely normal. Blue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ubit Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 [quote name='blue' timestamp='1424748261' post='2700009'] however understand that music and gigging will always be number 1 and you will always be number 2."[/i] Blue [/quote] No offence Blue, but you obviously haven't met the right girl yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) [quote name='ubit' timestamp='1424759615' post='2700019'] No offence Blue, but you obviously haven't met the right girl yet. [/quote] Agreed, and I'm not getting any younger. And everybody isn't relationship material. Blue Edited February 24, 2015 by blue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ubit Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) Plenty time mate, I had given up after years of failed relationships, then, at 48, met the best friend I could ever have. She supports my gigging too. I've struck lucky, so never say never mate. Edited February 24, 2015 by ubit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wooks79 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 [quote name='dadofsix' timestamp='1424723572' post='2699720'] I think that's the problem that the OPs girlfriend is suffering with having to spend so much time alone with two tiny children. Just sayin [/quote] Yeah, but a relationship is a two way thing, so I know I let my wife get out and do whatever she wants when I can take over with the kids. I'd like to think we are making it work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkboy Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I met my first wife at one of our gigs many years ago. At that stage, we were gigging at least 2 nights a week, but quite frequently we'd do 4 nights (Wednesday to Saturday) straight for around 3 months. It was tiring, yes, especially since we all had other jobs, but boy the money was good! A couple of days after we were married she asked when I was going to tell the guys in the band that I was leaving - this was the first this had even been mentioned! I told her that had she brought that up before the wedding, there wouldn't have been one. The band was there before her, and if she kept pushing it, it would be there after her too. Needless to say, it was downhill from then on, though the money that I was bringing in from gigging did take the sting out of it. My second wife loves the fact that I play in a band. She comes to pretty much every gig we play, and often tells me how proud she is of me when I'm onstage. She'd never do anything to jeopardise my band, despite it interfering with her plans on a number of occasions. That's when you know you've got a keeper! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
discreet Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) [quote name='scoobystig' timestamp='1424641991' post='2698729'] I took 5 years off during the birth of our child [/quote] [quote name='SpaceChick' timestamp='1424723968' post='2699729'] Blinking heck.... That was a long labour [/quote] Edited February 24, 2015 by discreet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 [quote name='ubit' timestamp='1424761548' post='2700031'] Plenty time mate, I had given up after years of failed relationships, then, at 48, met the best friend I could ever have. She supports my gigging too. I've struck lucky, so never say never mate. [/quote] I'm 62, is there really plenty of time? Blue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 [quote name='sharkboy' timestamp='1424818159' post='2700927'] My second wife loves the fact that I play in a band. She comes to pretty much every gig we play, and often tells me how proud she is of me when I'm onstage. She'd never do anything to jeopardise my band, despite it interfering with her plans on a number of occasions. That's when you know you've got a keeper! [/quote] Your a lucky guy. Me, I don't drink, use substances or womanize. I simply love gigging. If a woman can't handle that she is of no use to me. Blue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ubit Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 [quote name='blue' timestamp='1424820160' post='2700949'] I'm 62, is there really plenty of time? Blue [/quote] Yeah, but you are like me. Young looking genes, so yes, there's still plenty time man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 [quote name='ubit' timestamp='1424855199' post='2701104'] Yeah, but you are like me. Young looking genes, so yes, there's still plenty time man [/quote] A little off topic. Thing is, for me at least. At 62 I have lost the ability to know if a young woman is giving you the sign that she's interested. When I was a young guy my instincts were a lot sharper. Last weekend at a gig, I helped a young cocktail waitress ( 26 or 27 years old ) lift a case of wine. She made some comment like, [i]"It looks like we work well together"[/i] Was I suppose to do something? Blue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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