Things not to say before an audition

[solo4652]

This is a companion thread to my "Rehearsal's cancelled because..." thread.

We put a "drummer wanted" ad on the usual muso websites. Got quite a few promising looking replies, so I set about arranging a playalong/audition session, aiming to get two drummers along at different times. I sent out a list of 6 well-known soul standards - Superstition, Heard it through the Grapevine - that sort of thing, complete with YouTube links 1 week before the audition. These are some of the responses I received:

Just so you know, I'm already in a band and we're almost fully booked up every Friday and Saturday from March onwards. is that OK with you?

I only know 4 of those 6 songs. I don't think I'll have enough time to learn the other two.

Thank you for getting back to me, as you have interest from other drummers I will let you pick from the two you are having sessions with. I have work and I don't really need any more.

Will I need a drum kit? I don't actually own one, you see. I only have two drumsticks. Is that OK?

I'm not a great fan of soul or funk. Are you guys planning on doing any classic rock?

I dunno - maybe it's just me being my usual over-organised, over-prepared self. However...

[taunton-hobbit]

I'm reminded of when I phoned around for builders to do some paving, and a couple turned up without tapes or notebooks...........

[EssentialTension]

I went for an audition after being sent a setlist of sixteen songs. I had learned all sixteen.

'Did you get the setlist?'

'Yes, I learned all those.'

'Oh, OK ....... we only know four of them..'

They really only knew three and I didn't get the job.

[paul_5]

[quote name='EssentialTension' timestamp='1451938678' post='2944855']
I went for an audition after being sent a setlist of sixteen songs. I had learned all sixteen.

'Did you get the setlist?'

'Yes, I learned all those.'

'Oh, OK ....... we only know four of them..'

They really only knew three and I didn't get the job.
[/quote]

Lucky escape by the sounds of it...

[blue]

I think we have all heard the "I didn't have time to learn the songs, but let's give it a go anyway"

You know, for the vets with years of experience, some can pull that off, but not all of them.

Blue

Edited January 5, 2016 by blue

[ambient]

[quote name='solo4652' timestamp='1451938369' post='2944852']

Are you guys planning on doing any classic rock?

[/quote]

Sounds like the 3 or 4 guys that replied to my 'Jazz musicians wanted' ad back in the summer .

[ahpook]

[quote name='solo4652' timestamp='1451938369' post='2944852']
Thank you for getting back to me, as you have interest from other drummers I will let you pick from the two you are having sessions with. I have work and I don't really need any more.

[/quote]

And that's actually the drummer you want....the one that's busy !

Edited January 4, 2016 by ahpook

[tauzero]

We're in the process of doing this at the moment. We have had a fair few responses now, and actually had a couple along to an audition - we didn't think either was suitable and the second one accepted an offer from another band anyway the next day, and another one we had lined up accepted an offer before we actually saw him. We have a couple coming in this week.

But anyway, another one rang me up for a chat. Told me he was mid-fifties, like we are (stretching the definition of mid a little in my case), and to check him out with Google - and the first hit revealed him to have been born in 1946, 11 years before me. Now, some of my best friends are superannuated drummers, and I wouldn't object to someone being in a band on the grounds of age (after all, in the other covers band I was in which is now hibernating, I was 25 years older than the rest of the band) but it would be nice for them to be honest about it.

I also noticed that 99% of the drummers looking for bands want to join functions bands. I'm not sure that there are enough function bands to go round.

[Wonky2]

Once had a guitarist turn up for an audition, it was at the time of grunge bands...... In he came, jumper 3 sizes too big, holes in his jeans, looked like he hadn't slept....ever...... All was going well with Kevin until Half way into first number. without any warning, he suddenly explodes from his staring at the floor staggering round like a drunk approach and he launches his strat across the room ! A good 6 feet into the air ! we all watched in slow motion horror as it crashed down onto the hard vynal tiled floor of the local community centre, the head stock snapping clean off !!! A mangled mess off strings and splinters !

Kevin didn't have another guitar and chose to mope off out the door into the night..... Never to be seen again

[RhysP]

[quote name='Wonky2' timestamp='1451940193' post='2944892']
Once had a guitarist turn up for an audition, it was at the time of grunge bands...... In he came, jumper 3 sizes too big, holes in his jeans, looked like he hadn't slept....ever...... All was going well with Kevin until Half way into first number. without any warning, he suddenly explodes from his staring at the floor staggering round like a drunk approach and he launches his strat across the room ! A good 6 feet into the air ! we all watched in slow motion horror as it crashed down onto the hard vynal tiled floor of the local community centre, the head stock snapping clean off !!! A mangled mess off strings and splinters !

Kevin didn't have another guitar and chose to mope off out the door into the night..... Never to be seen again
[/quote]

This reminds of a bunch of losers that used to have a band in Cardiff. They thought they were a whole lot better than they were.
I just happened to be in a bar they were playing at one night. End of song, big crescendo, drum kit demolished, guitars thrown, amps pushed over, a really impressive finale - except that the bloody idiots did it at the end of their first song.
The small audience they had drifted away as they self consciously started picking their gear off the floor & setting up again.

[Wonky2]

Hahahah divvies

[ambient]

[quote name='tauzero' timestamp='1451939671' post='2944874']
We're in the process of doing this at the moment. We have had a fair few responses now, and actually had a couple along to an audition - we didn't think either was suitable and the second one accepted an offer from another band anyway the next day, and another one we had lined up accepted an offer before we actually saw him. We have a couple coming in this week.

But anyway, another one rang me up for a chat. Told me he was mid-fifties, like we are (stretching the definition of mid a little in my case), and to check him out with Google - and the first hit revealed him to have been born in 1946, 11 years before me. Now, some of my best friends are superannuated drummers, and I wouldn't object to someone being in a band on the grounds of age (after all, in the other covers band I was in which is now hibernating, I was 25 years older than the rest of the band) but it would be nice for them to be honest about it.

I also noticed that 99% of the drummers looking for bands want to join functions bands. I'm not sure that there are enough function bands to go round.
[/quote]

I can maybe see why he lied to be honest. I've seen adverts that stipulate that musicians applying must be under 30. This is just for function/party type bands. What has age got to do with anything ? He maybe got fed up of not even getting to the audition stage because of his advancing years.



The one jazz band I play for, I must be the youngest by about 35 years.

[itsmedunc]

Once auditioned a drummer who said all the right things. Before the audition we went and picked his kit up. Carried it all up the attic steps. He set it all up. That's when we discovered he had never played drums before. He didn't know it would be that hard apparently. Why he had a kit i will never know. Our guitarist told him to go away and practice really hard for 6 months and get back to us. I felt like throwing him down the attic steps with his kit behind him!

[RhysP]

[quote name='ambient' timestamp='1451941149' post='2944917']
What has age got to do with anything ?
[/quote]

Depending on the genre, quite a bit I'd say.

[BeeBop]

I love this kind of stuff ....

I once had a mate who could sell snow to Eskimos (sorry Inuit for the proper name)
He blagged an audition with a profession outfit (dont want to name the band)
trouble was his playing was no where near any competent standard ....think he d been playing Bass for under a year
I would have sold my soul to have been a fly on the wall at that audition

so i asked him "how did it go" his reply was "i didnt know any of their songs or what the f*** they were talking about" (he mentioned some progression played using mainly a melodic minor or something of that kinda ilk)

what the f*** was going on in this boys head i dont know ....ok we have all had to blag our way through life ... at least once ( am sure we all have 1 story)

but this is on par with....A Tannoy announcement on board an aircraft "Is there a Doctor on board the flight.. please make yourself know to the cabin crew"
"Doctor Woa a fancy given that a go a mean how difficult can it be ...here doll doctor you say thats me"

I often wonder what became of that boy ...last i heard he was a manager for a large supermarket no doubt selling still selling snow to Greenland

[jonsmith]

Had loads of these of these over the years. Here are some I can remember.

[b]Drummers: [/b]

Initial message: "Love your stuff, listened online, really want to join". After receiving short list of audition songs: "I don't really like that sort of music"

Initial message: "Really eager to get out playing again, can I audition?". After being consulted over suitable audition date: "Oh, I'm far too busy with work to join a band"

Initial message: "Would love to try out for you guys, but I'm in Ashford, probably a bit far away". After being informed that our singer was in Ashford, so we use somewhere in between and they could carshare: "Err, actually I don't live in Ashford".

"Sorry, my husband has decided I shouldn't be playing in bands" (felt sorry for that one, although I saw a video of her later and she wasn't very good).

Had the drummer who wondered if he'd need a drum kit too.

[b]Singer:[/b]

Initial message: "You guys seem really nice. My last band was awful, the drummer found God and the bass player went insane". On day of audition: "I've crashed my bike into a swimming pool and cracked some ribs. I think I'll just go back to my last band, I'll be happy with them."

Edited January 4, 2016 by jonsmith

[ambient]

[quote name='RhysP' timestamp='1451942598' post='2944935']
Depending on the genre, quite a bit I'd say.
[/quote]

It looks like standard function type stuff. Stevie Wonder himself is 65.

[tauzero]

[quote name='ambient' timestamp='1451941149' post='2944917']
I can maybe see why he lied to be honest. I've seen adverts that stipulate that musicians applying must be under 30. This is just for function/party type bands. What has age got to do with anything ? He maybe got fed up of not even getting to the audition stage because of his advancing years.



The one jazz band I play for, I must be the youngest by about 35 years.
[/quote]

He told me he'd never done an audition, just got offered jobs - he's been pro since (presumably) the early 60s and is stepping back from that to treat it more as a hobby. Also didn't push it, said to put his name at the bottom of the list and, if we'd not got anyone, to get him along for a play.

[bonzodog]

Had a guitarist turn up at an audition once with his guitar in a hard case. For some reason he was the type that locked it with those little keys. Problem was he forgot the keys and thus his guitar was locked inside. A rather amusing 20 mins while we all watched him taking the hinges off the back of the case with a screwdriver one of us had lent him.

[solo4652]

@Jonsmith:

"Singer:

Initial message: "You guys seem really nice. My last band was awful, the drummer found God and the bass player went insane". On day of audition: "I've crashed my bike into a swimming pool and cracked some ribs. I think I'll just go back to my last band, I'll be happy with them."

I laughed out loud at that! Thanks for posting it. Can't stop coughing now.

[Happy Jack]

And these are mainly the guys who never made it to the audition.

I once had an American guitarist / multi-instrumentalist with an excellent self-published album on t'Net turn up for a planned first session of a new band.

As soon as be arrived and opened his mouth, it started to go pear-shaped. He was Spanish.

But your name? ........... Ees a stage name, si?

But your details say you are American also. ....... Yeh, yeh, ees good background, si?

Then he started to play. His guitar playing was complete sh*t. No, really, complete sh*t.

But your album, isn't that you playing guitar? ....... Si, and zee session guys too.

By now, the drummer and I are desperately trying both to not crack up, and also to not kick the sh*t out of this guy.

Oh God, let's fall back on the standards. Let's play Red House.

Spaniard starts playing ... well, I don't know what he was playing. Drummer and I stop and look at him.

We're supposed to be playing Red House. ........ But zat EES Red House!

No, no it's not, really it's not. ......... Ha! Maybe I know anuzzer Red House!

End of audition.

Edited January 4, 2016 by Happy Jack

[RhysP]

[quote name='Happy Jack' timestamp='1451946330' post='2944983']
He was Spanish.
[/quote]

A band I was in briefly somehow ended up with a Spanish drummer - he was a f***ing nightmare.
One of us would have to stand by him & physically shove him to get him to stop playing, once he got going that was it.
His name was Juan - we used to call him Wham because of hard he used to hit his kit.

[spectoremg]

[quote name='EssentialTension' timestamp='1451938678' post='2944855']
I went for an audition after being sent a setlist of sixteen songs. I had learned all sixteen.

'Did you get the setlist?'

'Yes, I learned all those.'

'Oh, OK ....... we only know four of them..'

They really only knew three and I didn't get the job.
[/quote]This effing grips my sh1t! On more than one occasion I've taken the trouble to learn songs, turned up and the band barely know them!

[Doctor J]

We once had a drummer who showed up for an audition with his girlfriend who sat in the corner chain-smoking beside him. That didn't really work out.

I hate when the player doesn't match the brochure. A guitarist auditioned once, had emailed us a couple of instrumental tracks, really technically superb stuff. He showed up, looked the part, but then took a bottom rung starter guitar from the case. First alarm. He then set up his amp with that horrible "wasp trapped in a tin" kind of tone. Second alarm. He told us he had learned our songs, originals, We asked him which one he wanted to play first. "The first one" he said. He didn't know the names of the songs. Third alarm. He then struggled his way through a very basic riff which starts the song, so we all joined in. When, after for bars, we switched to the verse he kept playing the same riff. Even when we went to the chorus, yep, he kept playing the intro. That was the only riff of ours which he knew and even then he couldn't actually play it. Our drummer, at this stage, had buckled up in laughter and had to pretend he ripped his bass drum skin to put an end to the madness.

Edited January 5, 2016 by Doctor J

[Grassie]

Having given my last band notice back in August that I was leaving and was willing to honour dates until the end of the year, the others put an ad looking for a replacement. Auditions took place in September with four different bassists. When I saw the guys again the weekend after, I asked how the auditions went. Number 1 was the classic "all the gear, no idea", had turned up with a £3000+ bass, but didn't know how to work the rehearsal studios in-house bass amp head. Told the guys he was a session player with loads of recent gigging experience. When asked how many gigs he'd done this year he reply was "two". He then proceeded to "solo" over every song he'd been asked to learn. Number 2 turned up on foot as he didn't have any transport of his own. When the guys asked him if he wanted to go through one of the songs on the audition list, he replied "oh yeah, should be ok with that one, I learned it on the bus on the way here."