OK, this is a possibly weird question about gigging...

[BrunoBass]

Not necessarily every gig, but people are often surprised to learn that my wife doesn't go to at least most of them. I don't know why. If she was in a gigging band would I go to every gig she played? Probably not.

[cheddatom]

The only people who've ever approached me with the "where's your other half?" attitude are female fans of one of the bands I play in. I don't want to seem arrogant but I can only think of one reason they say it

None of my partner's friends or any of my friends have ever commented on it. She comes if I tell her I need the support (only happened once, my first ever gig on drums with a reggae band about 8 years ago)

[Telebass]

I'll outline a scenario from recently to make it absolutely clear. We were at a lip-reading class, and the question was asked as to how we had lost our hearing. When it came to me, I said loud music because...etc. The lady next to my wife turned to her at once and asked if she went along to every gig, then was negatively surprised to be told 'no'. My wife suggested that it would be fairly odd if I went to her work every time she went...
Get the drift? Why do random members of the public think like this?

[JapanAxe]

My wife comes to most of my country gigs because she enjoys both the music and the company of the other band WAGs. She rarely comes to dep gigs unless she can sit with friends.

When people have occasionally enquired as to how many of my gigs my wife attends, neither of us have been bothered by the question.

[cheddatom]

[quote name='Telebass' timestamp='1490613130' post='3266371']
I'll outline a scenario from recently to make it absolutely clear. We were at a lip-reading class, and the question was asked as to how we had lost our hearing. When it came to me, I said loud music because...etc. The lady next to my wife turned to her at once and asked if she went along to every gig, then was negatively surprised to be told 'no'. My wife suggested that it would be fairly odd if I went to her work every time she went...
Get the drift? Why do random members of the public think like this?
[/quote]

So just to be clear, you want us to address the very specific scenario of random members of the public and/or friends of our significant others, being surprised that our significant others don't attend all of our gigs?

From the thread so far it looks like no-one has found themselves in that scenario. Is it really common for you?

[Telebass]

Drives my wife nuts, it happens so often.

[nightsun]

The Good Lady Her Indoors hasn't been to one of my gigs in the 10 years we have been together. She just can't stand blues, plus having a couple of sprogletts doesn't help matters. I'm helping out a mates covers band over the summer with a couple of daytime gigs, so you never know she may turn out with the kids. Gigging is my 'me' time though and since the arrival of the little angels has basically become my social life, I wouldn't dare suggest I turn up at one of her nights out with the girls!!

[Dave Vader]

[quote name='Telebass' timestamp='1490611307' post='3266337']
I'm still thinking my point is not being grasped. Do other people, on finding out from one's other half that you are a practicing muso, seem to think, for whatever reason, that she should attend every gig? Is that not completely weird?
[/quote]

I do find that completely weird, and have never come across it at all.
I was in a band once where the guitarist's girlfriend did come to every gig, and we all thought that was really weird.

Mrs Vader come along every now and then just to see if I've joined a good band yet.

[bassjim]

[quote name='Telebass' timestamp='1490611307' post='3266337']
I'm still thinking my point is not being grasped. Do other people, on finding out from one's other half that you are a practicing muso, seem to think, for whatever reason, that she should attend every gig? Is that not completely weird?
[/quote]

Sorry now see what you are asking. I think its perhaps an ice breaker question. They may not really be interested in that specifically but its a way into finding out more about band life without directly asking you. They may even want to know what its like from "a partners" point of view.

The decision to attend every gig from the perspective of "the wife" depends on "the wife" in question.

Is that what you meant?

Edited March 27, 2017 by bassjim

[markstuk]

No one has ever asked me.. Possibly because they've heard me play and sing

[Telebass]

See post #53 for an actual event...

[TheRev]

[quote name='bobpalt' timestamp='1490568228' post='3266093']
Sue comes to every one and has done for 17 years. She helps set up and tear down, does the lights and tells me if I am too loud or quiet. The only problem is I really don't know if she likes the music! She says she does but I don't really believe her. Oh, and she drives if there are free drinks all night.
[/quote]

Does she have a sister?

[TheRev]

[quote name='Telebass' timestamp='1490611307' post='3266337']
I'm still thinking my point is not being grasped. Do other people, on finding out from one's other half that you are a practicing muso, seem to think, for whatever reason, that she should attend every gig? Is that not completely weird?
[/quote]

People ask if she goes to our gigs, but I've never heard Mrs Rev say that someone was surprised that she didn't go to every gig/expect her to go to every gig.

So yes. It's weird.

[Dan Dare]

My missus used to come to the occasional gig when she was alive, but only if it was a special or unusual occasion. I wouldn't have gone to see her teach at the uni' where she worked, so why would she have wanted to come and see me at work?

[thebrig]

[quote name='Telebass' timestamp='1490613130' post='3266371']
I'll outline a scenario from recently to make it absolutely clear. We were at a lip-reading class, and the question was asked as to how we had lost our hearing. When it came to me, I said loud music because...etc. The lady next to my wife turned to her at once and asked if she went along to every gig, then was negatively surprised to be told 'no'. My wife suggested that it would be fairly odd if I went to her work every time she went...
Get the drift? Why do random members of the public think like this?
[/quote]Because going to watch someone in an everyday job [u]would[/u] be unusual, but surely what we do when gigging falls into the entertainment category, which is why it might appeal to some partners to come and watch us play, so why would it be considered strange that our partners might get some enjoyment in seeing us play?

BTW, I don't consider playing in a band a job, for me, it's a hobby which I enjoy, and any money earned is a bonus, it's no different to when I used to play football, she would come and watch me play.

[Telebass]

Ok, I do consider it work as it helps us survive. So that might be part of why it's weird for us.

[skankdelvar]

Yes, it's weird. Particularly if it's strangers or members of the public who are doing the asking

I mean, I could understand other band members enquiring if one's other half might attend an upcoming gig (possibly in the forlorn hope of boosting attendance). On one occasion a front man began to insist rather strenuously that I encourage her to come along and I had to shut him down fairly ruthlessly.

Funnily enough, the last time SWMBO came along it was because the gig was about 100 yds from the house of one of her little friends who thought it would make for a nice girls' night out, a groundless belief of which she was swiftly disavowed when - as was his wont - The Guitard unleashed the fury through his JCM800 half stack.

I think that was 17 years ago. How time flies.

[pete.young]

[quote name='Telebass' timestamp='1490611307' post='3266337']
I'm still thinking my point is not being grasped. Do other people, on finding out from one's other half that you are a practicing muso, seem to think, for whatever reason, that she should attend every gig? Is that not completely weird?
[/quote]
Ah I see. Not often. When we do encounter someone like this, they are usually satisfied by the explanation that 'er indoors doesn't really like weird folk music, prefers to go out with her own friends, and doesn't mind it if i am missing because she has one fewer child to look after.

[Telebass]

Good answers!

[ubit]

I had an ex that came to most gigs. After we finished, she still appeared. Much to my annoyance!

[mcnach]

[quote name='gjones' timestamp='1490539143' post='3265774']
Well the reason why wives/girlfriends/boyfriends/partners go to every gig, is not because they are huge fans of their other half's band, it's because they don't trust them to be away from them and having fun, in the 'dens of iniquity', that are most music venues.

My sister never went to any of my brother-in-law's gigs (she was never a big fan of music) until he ended up having an affair with a regular punter. After that 'incident' she became his bands biggest fan (she didn't let him out of her sight for about 5 years after that).
[/quote]

That must be one of the worst reasons to go to someone else's gigs. I can understand that insecurity/trust issues can make someone do that... but acting like a 'police deterrent' is not really the way to fix anything.

I've only had 3 relationships since I started gigging.

The first one... she was a very possessive and jealous woman, which is a shame as she could be great fun when she was feeling ok. But she was coming to most of my gigs pretty much just to check I behaved properly. I didn't realise it at first, but when she started to create trouble because of having a female backing singer in front of me while playing at the Jazz Bar in Edinburgh (I mention it because you'll probably know it... and it's a tiny stage! That band had anything between 6-9 members, so it was pretty tight!). I started hating having her around at gigs which did not help. Eventually I broke up with her, because that attitude was present in other areas too. Not good.

Second one was very supportive and loved being out and the music etc. At first she'd come to every gig. But very rapidly the novelty wore off, so she'd come only from time to time and always with friends, so it was just a night out for her where I just happened to be around, and after the gig I could join them even if sometimes I'd go home while she carried on. No pressure ever. She'd even offer to help with equipment back into my car sometimes afterwards. She got some looks when she went onstage once to take my Barefaced Compact which looked a lot heavier than it was, and a larger guy offered to help her while she just dismissed him and carried the thing with a smile as if it were made of paper.
Very rarely she'd join me inn gigs out of town, but when they were in interesting places we'd make a day/weekend out of it, so that was good. She'd sometimes expressed a wish I weren't so busy with bands so that we could do more things together. It wasn't so much that I was always playing, because I wasn't... but this is Scotland. When you get a glorious weekend, you HAVE TO TAKE IT! It's so rare! So sometimes you get this amazing weekend and she'd suggest going somewhere... but I could not because I had a gig on Saturday somewhere... But she never really complained.

Third one... I met her while playing in bars. She was a fan of my main band and started being there at almost every local gig. She had a very good idea of what my schedules were like. After we started dating she'd come to every local gig and often to the out of town ones unless she had already other plans. She was already friendly with most of the band too, so that made it easier. It was good. But then there'd be some gigs where she'd be there by herself while we play and she'd look a bit bored. Days when she was tired and would rather be at home but she'd come anyway. I'd ask her before hand to make sure she really wanted to be there... but she'd always say yes... Eventually she didn't quite admit that she felt she hat to be there, but that she knew I liked her around so she'd try to come always. When I told her that yes, I'm happy she's around when I am on my break and she can join us etc, but that I feel bad if I notice she's just bored by herself, and that when I'm no my break sometimes I just want to chill outside for a minute but I feel I have to give her my full attention because she was there by herself... things started to change for the better: so she now only comes when she really feels like it (which is often, but not always) and when she has other friends coming too. So no longer I see her bored in a table by herself, but if she's there she's dancing and smiling and chatting... and it makes me have even more fun when she's enjoying herself.
I have to admit it's actually quite cool if there was a guy who clearly takes an interest in her and at the break as I walk out of the stage she comes to me and gives me a big kiss while the guy looks like he's thinking "what? the BASS player? Really??? come on! those guys never get the girls!!!" and as I walk out for some air I wink at her and continuing strutting like Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever towards the door. Well, maybe not quite like that, by the image does cross my mind at times

So... pressure from partners? Not really. There can't be. At times yes, we'd wish we could do something else and I am busy. It's a shame. But not more than when they are busy with other things. The question is about balance. I love my girlfriend, but my life is not just her even if she's the most important. We both have a variety of interests and activities that we continue to pay attention too, but we make sure we make time also to do things together. I don't think it's any different from any other activity. The fact that mine happens mostly in bars doesn't change anything. If people follow their partners just to make sure they behave... that's a really bad sign

[dlloyd]

No, my other half never comes to see my band. She's never come to my work (daytime job) either.

[mcnach]

[quote name='dlloyd' timestamp='1490696181' post='3267084']
No, my other half never comes to see my band. She's never come to my work (daytime job) either.
[/quote]

You consider your band work too?

I don't know anybody who has a day job that call their band 'work'. Yes, it may bring in extra cash which is great and all that, but calling it a job just seems a bit of... 'over-hype' to me.
It may be for you, I don't know! It's just I was reading on TB about something a week or two ago and this kept coming with people talking about their band stuff as 'work' in a manner that didn't seem to fit their largely weekend warrior (and often just one weekend a month) reality. Nothing wrong with weekend warriors, at all, by the way. I just think that it sounds a little bit cringeworthy.

[TimR]

[quote name='Telebass' timestamp='1490603899' post='3266221']
Remember that part of the question is that people seem to EXPECT my wife to attend every gig, regardless, for whatever reason...that's what neither of us understand!
[/quote]

Firstly. I wouldn't even attend one of our gigs, I'm only there cause I'm playing the bass.

Secondly, some people have very close marriages. I don't understand it myself, but I know people who work in the same office, do the weekly shop, go on holiday together. They're never apart. Ever.

I only see my wife for an hour a day tops. Any longer than that and I risk a fate worse than death.

I suppose there's a happy medium between the two somewhere. With the emphasis on 'happy'.

Anyway, I suppose it depends to an extent who these people are that are expecting you to be together at all possible hours of the day. What their experiences are etc. It may only be a few of your friends who remark on it and that's colouring your perception of how many people are expecting it.

[thebrig]

This is not a criticism of anyone by any means, it's just an observation, but I'm quite surprised by some of the comments so far, and the "[i]trust[/i]" thing has been mentioned a few times.

I would hate to think that my wife comes to my gigs because she doesn't trust me, maybe I'm old fashioned, but for me, a good relationship is built on trust, if I had any doubts about our loyalty to each other, then I would find it hard to enjoy our relationship, and please don't think I'm being naive, of course some people do stray even after many years together, and if it ever happened to me, then I would have to deal with it, but in the meantime, we enjoy our life together (40 years) mainly because we trust each other.
At one gig a few years ago, a very nice looking lady came up behind me when I was playing and she put her arms around me and rubbed her very ample breasts all over my back for the duration of the song, and instead of being angry or jealous, my wife thought it was hilarious and took pics of it, and we still have a laugh about it now.

The other surprise to me is, "[i]why would my partner want to see me at work[/i]", for me, I just love playing, especially live, so I don't see it as being work.
I don't really want to start up the old "[i]is it alright to play for nothing debate[/i]", but if people didn't want to pay us anymore, I would still do it, because I would rather play for nothing than not at all.

If it was my only source of income, I think I would still enjoy it, and consider myself fortunate that I earn an income from doing something I love.

I would say that the majority of top sportsmen enjoy what they are doing, and would probably still compete, even it they didn't get paid for what they do.
I know many ex-pro footballers who play Sunday mornings and pay subs towards the running of the teams because they just love playing, and I also know, and I'm sure many of you do as well, a number of ex-named muso's who play the pub circuit for beer money just because they get a buzz out of playing live.