JoinMyBand Cracks Me Up!!!

[thebrig]

VOCALIST REQUIRED FOR TERRIBLE BAND

Unreliable egotistical diva required to sing badly before their voice fails half way through the second song of each two hour set. 
The ability to come up with various poor excuses and not turn up for gigs and practices less than half an hour before they need to be there is a must. 
Must also be able to argue equally with ALL other band members and have tantrums on and off stage whilst maintaining a drunken and/or stoned condition. 
The ideal applicant won't even turn up to their own audition and preference will be given to applicants who have extremely poor personal hygiene. 

If you think you can live up to these high expectations you probably won't be arsed to respond to this advert, if not please feel free to message me here.

[rushscored4]

That sounds like our singer! 

[fleabag]

Well, he's got vocalists nailed to a T.

[mikel]

Made my day that one. I was in a start up band that was still starting up 19 months later......due to vocalists. First one could not learn lyrics or grasp when to come in so after many rehearsals nursing him along, we had to get rid of.  2nd, auditioned well, as she was female we changed the songs we were working on to suit her....after 5 rehearsals she decided she was too ill to do anymore and packed?   3d one, auditioned well, asked us to work up 4 songs of her choice for the next rehearsal, then sent a message saying her partner was not pleased about her joining a band, and packed. That was it for the guitarist so he walked.  5th one, was such a diva, and so far up his own rectum, that I walked. Doh. 19 months wasted. A shame as the rest of the band were good guys and great musicians.

[mcnach]

19 hours ago, thebrig said:

VOCALIST REQUIRED FOR TERRIBLE BAND

Unreliable egotistical diva required to sing badly before their voice fails half way through the second song of each two hour set. 
The ability to come up with various poor excuses and not turn up for gigs and practices less than half an hour before they need to be there is a must. 
Must also be able to argue equally with ALL other band members and have tantrums on and off stage whilst maintaining a drunken and/or stoned condition. 
The ideal applicant won't even turn up to their own audition and preference will be given to applicants who have extremely poor personal hygiene. 

If you think you can live up to these high expectations you probably won't be arsed to respond to this advert, if not please feel free to message me here.

 

I think I know the right guy for them...

[The59Sound]

I remember one woman who came in to audition could not stop praising us in the first rehearsal for how talented we were.

Second rehearsal same thing.

Just before the third rehearsal she posted one of those cryptic status' on Facebook, something like "I won't be going down with this sinking ship". 15 mins before rehearsal she cancelled and we never saw her again. 

We were a local band playing for beer money, nothing more, but she acted like we were huge or at least going to be.

Don't even get me started on the bloke who turned up with his own mic, an X-Factor karaoke mic! He said he needed two hours before every rehearsal to warm up his voice...

[Trueno]

This has got me thinking a bit... a dangerous thing on Sunday morning...

Apologies to any decent vocalists who take their craft very seriously, but I wonder if the problem with some of these people is,

1. They regard singing as an easy option, maybe granny has always told them they could sing well

2. They secretly feel guilty because they are in a band with real musicians who have spent thousands of hours learning to play real instruments. They overcompensate for an inferiority complex by acting like a-holes

3. A bit of both

In the past I have even thought about volunteering to sing myself, because I can get the right note 9 times out of 10, but I really wouldn't want to while playing bass, and I absolutely couldn't do frontman duties.

[Woodinblack]

25 minutes ago, Trueno said:

In the past I have even thought about volunteering to sing myself, because I can get the right note 9 times out of 10, but I really wouldn't want to while playing bass, and I absolutely couldn't do frontman duties.

 

I have thought about it before. I am not a good singer but over the years I have come to realise that that isn't the most important thing about a singer in a band, but I do know the words, and know when to come in, and know timing,  which is important.

But it always falls down on the frontman bit - I couldn't do that, and I would take an epic frontman and mediocre singer over a epic singer and mediocre frontman any day when I am playing to pubs.

[thebrig]

I remember a few year's ago we auditioned a singer, we gave him two weeks to learn six very well known songs, anyway, when he turned up, he had his girlfriend with him who sat in the corner of the rehearsal room, we asked him which of the songs he wanted to start with, he hesitated and after a long pause, he finally suggested one but then said he would have to have listen to it on his phone first to remind him how the song went, obviously we all looked each other fearing the worst, and sure enough, he didn't have a clue how the song went, so we then suggested trying one of the other songs and exactly the same thing happened, luckily for us, his girlfriend stood up and said to him, "come on, let's go, you haven't even learn't the songs, have you? you are wasting these guy's time", she then apologised to us all and proceeded to march him out of the room, I don't think I would have wanted to be him on the way home.

[stewblack]

I am so lucky right now. After years of really quite deeply unpleasant personalities I've found a keeper. I turned up at the audition and she met me at the car and started to help carry my gear into the rehearsal. Brought me drinks, paid for food and drives the band to gigs, has zero ego I can detect and rehearses every bit as hard as any musician I've ever known and considerably harder than most. Buys lots of expensive equipment, organises rehearsals, books gigs, helps pack down, works really hard on stage.

Despite having the vocal ability to be the absolute focal point of any band she sees herself as the equal of us all. Even the drummer which I think is being unnecessarily hard on herself.

[elom]

4 hours ago, Woodinblack said:

I would take an epic frontman and mediocre singer over a epic singer and mediocre frontman any day 

This is my feeling exactly, how you play is only a part of the performance!

[Yank]

It's funny.  Sure,  there's plenty of flaky singers,  but no more than other musicians.  I assume we've all been involved in bands where it went so smoothly,  until you lose a member for whatever reason.  Then, trying to find a replacement,  the dregs come out of the woodwork,  whether singer or drummer or guitar player.  Of course,  never the bass player.  Auditions are the only time these folks leave their bedrooms.  They want to run with the big dogs,  but their legs are too short.

[DaytonaRik]

I am blessed with not only a great vocalist, but also one who is a GIT graduate and can play guitar/bass with the best of them!  She has a negative level ego - very shy but she is slowly gaining confidence.  She helps carry gear, is always on time, prepared and frankly the band would be lost without her.

[Mickeyboro]

Marry her!😁

[Happy Jack]

On 4/15/2018 at 12:17, thebrig said:

I remember a few year's ago we auditioned a singer, we gave him two weeks to learn six very well known songs, anyway, when he turned up, he had his girlfriend with him who sat in the corner of the rehearsal room, we asked him which of the songs he wanted to start with, he hesitated and after a long pause, he finally suggested one but then said he would have to have listen to it on his phone first to remind him how the song went, obviously we all looked each other fearing the worst, and sure enough, he didn't have a clue how the song went, so we then suggested trying one of the other songs and exactly the same thing happened, luckily for us, his girlfriend stood up and said to him, "come on, let's go, you haven't even learn't the songs, have you? you are wasting these guy's time", she then apologised to us all and proceeded to march him out of the room, I don't think I would have wanted to be him on the way home.

I was at an audition just last week where very much the same thing happened. New vocalist apparently believed that he could look up the lyrics on his smartphone and immediately deliver some sort of performance on songs by Guns n'Roses and Lenny Kravitz that he'd patently never even tried before.

And he sang flat. Very.

 

[Happy Jack]

5 hours ago, Yank said:

Sure,  there's plenty of flaky singers,  but no more than other musicians. 

Can't say that I agree with that.

There are plenty of flaky guitarists, bass players and drummers, but they have at least had enough commitment to spend some of their hard-earned on guitars, basses and drum kits.

Vocalists? Well, everyone thinks they can sing, don't they? After all, we've all done it in the bathroom, and doing it with a band has got to be easier than doing it solo, right? And there's no commitment needed. At all. You don't need to buy anything, or learn how to do it, or practice or anything. You just turn up at the studios (having spent three hours at home trying on t-shirts before making your decision) and ask where your mic-stand is and why hasn't anyone switched on the PA and tested it yet?

 

[uk_lefty]

15 minutes ago, Happy Jack said:

Vocalists? Well, everyone thinks they can sing, don't they? After all, we've all done it in the bathroom, and doing it with a band has got to be easier than doing it solo, right? And there's no commitment needed. At all. You don't need to buy anything, or learn how to do it, or practice or anything. You just turn up at the studios (having spent three hours at home trying on t-shirts before making your decision) and ask where your mic-stand is and why hasn't anyone switched on the PA and tested it yet?

100%!!!! 

My favourite was still the girl who had never been in a band but her boyfriend said she was "quite good". When I made my excuses that I was trying to get in to an international sport squad at under 21 level (true story) her reply was a disgusted "what? You'd rather do that than be in a band with ME?" 

Edited April 16, 2018 by uk_lefty

[Japhet]

On 15/04/2018 at 13:37, stewblack said:

I am so lucky right now. After years of really quite deeply unpleasant personalities I've found a keeper. I turned up at the audition and she met me at the car and started to help carry my gear into the rehearsal. Brought me drinks, paid for food and drives the band to gigs, has zero ego I can detect and rehearses every bit as hard as any musician I've ever known and considerably harder than most. Buys lots of expensive equipment, organises rehearsals, books gigs, helps pack down, works really hard on stage.

Despite having the vocal ability to be the absolute focal point of any band she sees herself as the equal of us all. Even the drummer which I think is being unnecessarily hard on herself.

 

Aaaand three.....two,,,,,,one, you're back in the room.

[tonyquipment]

Dreamers .... X factor wannabs 

[Happy Jack]

Dreamers I can cope with, nothing wrong with dreamers.

Fantasists? Well that's a whole nother thang.

 

[borntohang]

On 16/04/2018 at 10:23, Yank said:

It's funny.  Sure,  there's plenty of flaky singers,  but no more than other musicians.  I assume we've all been involved in bands where it went so smoothly,  until you lose a member for whatever reason.  Then, trying to find a replacement,  the dregs come out of the woodwork,  whether singer or drummer or guitar player.  Of course,  never the bass player.  Auditions are the only time these folks leave their bedrooms.  They want to run with the big dogs,  but their legs are too short.

There's tonnes of flaky musicians, the bar is just set pretty low for vocalists because for most musical contexts you rarely need much beyond half an ear for pitch, an inflated sense of self-worth, and perhaps an SM58 if you don't fancy sharing crusty saliva with every other musician in town. There's a million flaky guitarists with an acoustic sat in their room playing wonderwall, but they aren't getting out gigging any time soon (sadly the increase in open mics has also led to this not being quite as true as it may have been a few years ago...).

There's also a massive gaping chasm between kareoke singers and actual vocalists who understand all the other bits of talent and stagecraft that go into being a performing singer. My personal Voight-Kampff test at auditions is asking them to sing harmony behind someone else - I'm by no means a great singer, but I can improvise a basic thirds/fifths harmony on a tune by ear, so they can't do it then they've not spent much time playing with other people, don't have much of a grasp of melody, and you're likely to be in trouble a bit further on down the road. 

[Geek99]

On 15/04/2018 at 12:17, thebrig said:

I remember a few year's ago we auditioned a singer, we gave him two weeks to learn six very well known songs, anyway, when he turned up, he had his girlfriend with him who sat in the corner of the rehearsal room, we asked him which of the songs he wanted to start with, he hesitated and after a long pause, he finally suggested one but then said he would have to have listen to it on his phone first to remind him how the song went, obviously we all looked each other fearing the worst, and sure enough, he didn't have a clue how the song went, so we then suggested trying one of the other songs and exactly the same thing happened, luckily for us, his girlfriend stood up and said to him, "come on, let's go, you haven't even learn't the songs, have you? you are wasting these guy's time", she then apologised to us all and proceeded to march him out of the room, I don't think I would have wanted to be him on the way home.

i like her, she sounds cool

[tonyquipment]

2 hours ago, Happy Jack said:

Dreamers I can cope with, nothing wrong with dreamers.

Fantasists? Well that's a whole nother thang.

 

True dat. True. Worse ones are the ones that think you’re doing them a favour by having them in your band and get all salty when u fire them cos of X. snowflake vocals !!!!

[Happy Jack]

And then of course, sometimes the words get in the way:

 

We are a new band project searching for a Bass player to complete our line-up. 

Our strongest common musical links bring together Simple Minds , Duran Duran, Gary Numan and Foo Fighters and New Order. 

We are currently Vocals, Guitar and Drums, collectively with a genuine degree of experience on stage and studio. 

Tracks are recorded for a first product - a full collaboration/interpretation on current and future music is put forward. 

 

What on earth does that load of cobblers actually mean?

And good luck with combining Duran Duran, Gary Numan and Foo Fighters ...

 

[Dad3353]

3 hours ago, Happy Jack said:

And then of course, sometimes the words get in the way...

Looks clear enough to me. They want a bass player to add bass parts to their compositions. 

(... and I've seen stranger combinations of taste. For myself, I'd cite Sibelius, Joe Morello and Grateful Dead, for instance, plus a dozen more  ...)