Auditions in Hell

[Monkey Steve]

13 hours ago, Bluewine said:

Aren't these types of mismatches filtered out by asking for details on relevant recent experience before the audition?

When we were auditioning new drummers I made sure auditions we're only awarded to those who had at least a year of recent bar band experience, where they were playing 4 hour bar gigs at least once a week.

Blue

 

 

 

But we weren't looking for anything as binary as "have you played solidly for the last year in bar bands?"   We were looking for someone who would fit in with us and contribute musically to the stuff we were writing, and the band was built on bringing in different, competing influences to see what happened.  There isn't any way to tell until they are in the studio.  In the end we got a drummer who's only experience was playing in jazz bands - he worked out brilliantly.

[ricksterphil]

1 hour ago, Raymondo said:

Yeah loads of times over the years. I get confused now because there is/was A Clifton Miners in the meadows that we played lots but I am sure that there was one in Clifton itself?

They all blend into one though ....there were hundreds of Miners welfares all over Notts and Yorkshire in particular, that I have played over the years with different bands.

It was a pain sometimes ,staying quiet for the bingo etc, but it was good money for part time warriors like me.

I am glad you have good memories of playing there, sometimes that circuit get's ridiculed but many, many "Showbiz" stars came through from it.

Actually, now you mention it, it might have been in the Meadows and not actually in Clifton. I think the thing those venues had was a) respect for the performer b) the need to put on a show and not gaze at your shoes, scratch your derrière or argue amongst yourselves between numbers

[thepurpleblob]

2 hours ago, Happy Jack said:

God, if I had a fiver for every time I've heard that line, or a variant on it.

I'd have have several fivers by now.

 

Ditto.... in fact I've just kicked a couple of people out of auditions for that line. 

If you can't be bothered learning the songs for an audition there's no chance you'll be committed learning songs for the band. 

[pete.young]

6 hours ago, musicbassman said:

And, at an audition, NEVER tell the keyboard player he's playing a wrong chord - even if it's clearly wrong. You'll never get the gig - you're a threat.

 

Yup, been there, done that, I was right and he wasn't. Didn't get the gig.

This particular muppet was also the band leader and thought it would be a good idea to audition two bass players at the same time, taking it in turns. I should have realised at that point it was doomed to be a waste of time.

[musicbassman]

2 minutes ago, pete.young said:

This particular muppet was also the band leader and thought it would be a good idea to audition two bass players at the same time, taking it in turns. I should have realised at that point it was doomed to be a waste of time.

...........audition two bass players at the same time??????????????

This is truly just about one of the most bonkers things I've ever heard. Muppet doesn't even begin to describe this guy.

[Bluewine]

7 hours ago, Woodinblack said:

And how do you check that if they say they have, when it turns out they haven't?

It's not a huge community of bar  bands that are out there gigging every weekend. Very easy to verify with the name of the band or bands someone has played in.

Blue

[Happy Jack]

You might want to try that in London, Blue.

It's quite large really.

[Bluewine]

5 hours ago, Monkey Steve said:

But we weren't looking for anything as binary as "have you played solidly for the last year in bar bands?"   We were looking for someone who would fit in with us and contribute musically to the stuff we were writing, and the band was built on bringing in different, competing influences to see what happened.  There isn't any way to tell until they are in the studio.  In the end we got a drummer who's only experience was playing in jazz bands - he worked out brilliantly.

Depends on what a band is doing.Were a gigging bar band and we found that in most cases without experience having to be out there  2- 3 nights a week was too much of a commitment and too much work.

So experience was important and a requirement for us. Being the best drummer was not. We always go with the best person for the job not the best musician.

Blue

[Dan Dare]

I used to play in a honky tonk/western swing band in the 1980s. We worked regularly - forces bases, functions, festivals, etc. Fiddle was my main instrument at the time, but we had an excellent fiddle player on board who was also a pal, so I played bass in the band. Said fiddle player got a good offer of work and left, so we decided I'd switch to the fiddle and we'd find a bass player. This did not work out - a succession of mainly pop/rock players auditioned and although some were good, they were out of sympathy with the music (didn't swing and played too many notes), so we opted for Plan B - find another fiddle player. It was decided that I'd field calls/replies, invite applicants to my place to check them out/play through a few things and arrange a full band meet with anyone who showed promise (this was pre-internet days, so no YouTube demos, etc).

One character (who assured me he played in the style we were looking for when he phoned) turned up at my door. He was from Scandinavia and had a very intense, unsmiling manner. Introductions over, I got out my guitar and invited him to play something, suggesting we start with something simple as a warm-up. He fixed me with a stare and announced, "I shall play you something I wrote" and launched into a scratchy, frantic flurry of notes that seemed initially to be based on "The Devil's Dream" (an old-time fiddle tune), although the B part went all over the place. The tempo varied wildly. I stopped him and said "That sounds like the Devil's Dream", at which he glared at me and said, "No. I wrote that piece". He was obviously a folk fiddler (and a ropey one, at that), so I explained that we were looking for someone who played in the western swing/honky tonk style, at which he asked "Vot is honky tonk?"

Life was too short to explain or play him examples from my record collection, so I suggested that he was not familiar enough with the idiom and thanked him for coming. He glared at me, informed me, "I am not satisfied vith your explanation" and remained sitting in his (my) chair. I decided that it would be best not to physically eject him and risk damaging my furniture or belongings, so I took out my fiddle and played him a brief example of what we were looking for. I also gave him a few bars of "The Devil's Dream" just to make the point. As politely as I could, I and informed him that he was in my home and that if I asked him to leave, he would do so. He gave me a terrible look and packed his instrument away. On speaking about the incident later with a friend, I learned that he had been answering ad's all over town and behaving similarly.

How do wallies like him imagine they will fool anyone?

[Norris]

A few years ago I was in a Pink Floyd tribute band. We rehearsed for 3 years near enough, but never played a gig in that time. The sound was actually fantastic, trying to get as close to the original as possible and occasionally borrowing live arrangements from the then recent Pulse live dvd/cd. The keyboard player/band leader wanted it to be just right - a perfectionist, and the rest of us were willing to try to achieve that. Damn we got close, but that's probably another thread "The best band that never happened"

Anyway, at one point we needed to get a new second guitarist. The existing singer/guitarist was excellent, and would spend ages getting his parts spot on. However to do the arrangements justice we needed another competent guitarist, who could share solo duties too.

You lot seem to have extremely good memories, whereas my recollections of the audition process are a little more hazy. However here are three candidates that stuck out from the crowd...

Guitarist A. Brilliant guitarist, lovely feel and very  expressive playing. Didn't learn the actual recordings as requested, and "interpreted" the solos. Good for a pub band, but not for an "every nuance" tribute.

Guitarist B. Turned up with a stack about 8ft high. Fuzz, fuzz, widdley, widdley. Bye.

Guitarist C. This is the one that really sticks in my mind. He was slightly older than us, but then we were no spring chickens either. Modest gear, but seemed keen enough. We start with the first song of 4 we'd given them to learn. He gets about a verse into it and kind of drifts out and stops playing. We try the song once or twice again and the same thing happens. Ok, move onto the song he says he knows best and get him to play the solo... hmm. Faltering again. Eventually we realised that he was totally in awe of the sound, especially the other guitarist. So much so that he forgot to play and was happy to stand there listening. He finally admitted that what we wanted was beyond his capabilities. 

Eventually we found a decent young guitarist, keen to the extent that he had Dave Gilmour signature pickups in his strat. He picked up the parts quickly, and played them accurately. Great - we were getting somewhere.

Three months later he announced that he was leaving to go to university.

After that we decided to give up and continue with one guitar, putting the essential second parts on the backing track. Eventually we thought we might actually be ready to gig.

That's when the drummer announced that he'd been helping us out all this time (because he's a mate), but he's not really into the music, can we find a replacement? Then it finally folded having never played a gig.

[Blutack]

About fifteen years ago, I spotted an ad in our local rag: "Experienced lead guitarist and singer (been playing guitar for 15 years in all styles) looking for others to jam with and maybe form a band". TBH I was a bit scared to call the guy (let's call him Dave), seeing as he was clearly far more experienced than me (I hadn't been in a band since school, but then Jimmie quit and Jodie got married....). Still, he sounded ok on the phone, so I arranged to go round to his place the next evening for a jam.

When I turned up, the door was answered by a tall freaky guy, who just stared at me. Eventually Dave appeared behind him and said "it's ok John, he's here to see me".  We went downstairs to the living room, and started messing about with a few songs. It turned out that far from being an experienced LG, Dave could just about manage a minor pentatonic scale if he looked at his fingers, whilst his singing was really best left in the shower. Also, there was something about him that I couldn't quite square - he was certainly too shy to ever be a frontman, and he sometimes seemed to be in another world entirely, and then struggled to finish his sentences. John, meanwhile, took up position in one of the armchairs, and stared at me continuously.

Eventually John got up to go to the loo, and I decided to make my excuses and leave. Dave said, oh, don't mind him - he's got schizophrenia, so it means he's not good with new people. It's just this house is owned by the council for the six of us to live in. We have a care worker during the day, but in the evenings he only comes round if we press the alarm button.......

[Bluewine]

12 minutes ago, Norris said:

That's when the drummer announced that he'd been helping us out all this time (because he's a mate), but he's not really into the music, can we find a replacement? Then it finally folded having never played a gig.

Not unusual, 99% of all "start up* bands never see their first gig.

It's why I advise anyone looking to gig and make a little cash to avoid start ups.

Blue

[Woodinblack]

1 hour ago, Norris said:

A few years ago I was in a Pink Floyd tribute band. We rehearsed for 3 years near enough, but never played a gig in that time.

Whilst not specifically agreeing with Blues 99% statistic, I would't be in a group whos idea was to do something for longer than a year without a gig.

Generally go on the basis that if you haven't started sorting your first gig within 3 months, it isn't going to happen.

[Bluewine]

17 minutes ago, Woodinblack said:

Whilst not specifically agreeing with Blues 99% statistic, I would't be in a group whos idea was to do something for longer than a year without a gig.

Generally go on the basis that if you haven't started sorting your first gig within 3 months, it isn't going to happen.

You really should have a realistic plan for booking gigs. Booking gigs and managing a band takes specific business skills.

Gigs don't fall out of the air and into your hands.

Blue

[ricksterphil]

37 minutes ago, Bluewine said:

Gigs don't fall out of the air and into your hands.

Blue

How very true. It's usually those in the band who don't get gigs who complain about there not being any gigs (and that they don't like the type of gigs that have been booked...but that's another story for another thread) 

[TrevorR]

@Happy Jack those anecdotes were brilliant. Can’t wait to read the blog when it comes out! So I thought I should join in with my most embarrassing audition...

Staines 2003/4-ish

About 15 or so years ago I decided to get back into gigging after a few years off. Did a couple of auditions which went OK but by the end of the session I'd pretty much decided the respective bands weren't for me. Then I saw a card in a local guitar shop looking for a bassist in a new-country covers band. And they were local. Phoned the guy up and he seemed really nice and easy to get on with. He said that their regular player had been whinging for a while about wanting to take his playing more seriously and do some proper session playing up in town and the band was getting in the way of getting proper gigs with pros. So on that basis he'd decided that he was leaving the band. In fact he’d told the whole band so in no uncertain terms after their last gig.

I thought, “fair enough” and got the names and keys of a few songs to learn for the rehearsal the following week. It was mostly stuff I had on CD and pretty straightforward to get on top of - Mary Chapin Carpenter, Steve Earle, Eagles, Nanci Griffith... Anyway, on the following Tuesday I set up at the local scout hut and was introduced to the rest of the band. We ran through a few songs and I did a bit of backing vocals with the two girl vocalists and all was going swimmingly. I really liked all the guys, they played really well, I liked the music and we were all getting on like a house on fire.

Anyway, after about 40 minutes this figure appears at the door while we’re mid-song, lugging a bass amp and a Fender MM bass and then freezes, looking at me. The band all did a double take, looked at him, looked at me and then looked at the bandleader. There was a quick huddle next to the door after which the bass player set up his amp at the opposite side of the room while shooting me daggers... We broke for a cuppa while more conflabbing happened and the bandleader's wife calmed down the stroppy looking bassist like the veritable “band Mum” while I chatted to the drummer, keys player and other singer. It was at that point I suddenly recognised the guy. About three months before I'd seen him backing a girl singer/piano player at a really good songwriter event a friend ran up in Shepherds Bush. I recalled that both he and her had been right prima donnas: properly unpleasant, up-themselves, sour and stroppy t*ts to all and sundry that night - organisers, crew and other acts. Fair enough, he was a very good player but my friend said afterward that neither him nor her were ever playing there again.

I decided that discretion should be the better part of valour. I toddled over to the now very worried looking band leader and volunteered to pack up and toddle off leaving the other bassist to do the rest of the rehearsal... to much protest from the drummer, keyboard player and other backing vocalist (this made me wonder if the bass player was regularly fractious and they were seeing their chance of finally being shot of him evaporating). The poor bandleader just looked really embarrassed but gratefully accepted my offer; so I packed up and went home. He phoned me the next day and invited me round to his place for a chat, to explain and to apologise. Turned out that at the last gig when the bassist had thrown his toys out of the pram, yelled “I quit” at them and stormed off, the entire band had taken him seriously and thought he'd actually left the band. So it was a bit of a shock to them when he turned up at the rehearsal and they learned that he'd not actually meant it. The bandleader felt that he sort of owed it to the guy and so had accepted his apology. 

As it was he offered me (as a consolation I guess, or maybe as an insurance over the guy's next strop) a place playing rhythm acoustic with the band. Unsurprisingly I felt that might be a tad awkward and I was really looking to get back into bass playing. So regretfully I respectfully declined...

Edited April 21, 2018 by TrevorR

[Bluewine]

1 hour ago, ricksterphil said:

How very true. It's usually those in the band who don't get gigs who complain about there not being any gigs (and that they don't like the type of gigs that have been booked...but that's another story for another thread) 

Gigs are money in my pocket, the more gigs the better.

I know how hard it is to successfully book gigs.

I send out a sincere "thank you" for every new date announced.

Blue

[rOB]

Ok here's one of mine. We were auditioning a lead singer for a new originals band I was putting together.

A young man turns up but hasn't learnt any of the songs I sent him. Whilst bagging his way through the material, he makes a number of very surreal comments about being a frog, going so far as to ribbet into the microphone. Hmm...

It's obviously not working but he goes on about how much he likes the band and wants to be a part of it. He's not driven to the studio so I ask if he wants a lift anywhere nearby (more fool me), he says yes he lives close and a lift would be great.

Turns out he lives about 30 mins drive away (opposite direction to my way home). Damn, too late to withdraw the offer.

We head off and he tells me about some gigs he's organised in another city (Leeds) that have gone well recently. Being familiar with the city I ask him what venues and hands- he can't really answer. Hmmm...

We get to his house and he gets out without a word of thanks. Then he emails the following day asking when the next practice is....

 

[Tubster]

BOURNEMOUTH 

Mid 80s and our soul/Motown band is expanding, we are looking for a keyboard player. Get a call from bloke in his 40s who tells us of his talented daughter. Our guitarist took call and explained all the relevant stuff. Dad assures him that she can blow through this material - no problem!

Family turns up at guitarist’s house with keyboard, stand, armfuls of music scores. Pretty 17 year old sets up behind singer but no amp - keyboard has built in speakers we are told so all will be good. We show her set list and she counters with one of her own including “tie a yellow ribbon” and “viva España”. Smirks are beginning to appear on faces of various personnel but no one seems to have the heart to say anything. Guitarist is just about to when girl cranks up her built-in drum machine and launches into “España” in a hideously tuneless voice. Some band members attempt to tag along musically and both girl plus both parents are grinning enthusiastically as she blazes on oblivious to the suppressed laughter emanating from behind. Trumpet player is overtaken with mirth and just manages to get outside the door before he explodes into laughter. We find him 10 minutes later weeping uncontrollably by the stairs! 

When song ended it was a difficult moment for all but our ever diplomatic guitarist explained we were perhaps doing the wrong material for her talents. The family seemed very satisfied with the explanation and left the house beaming from ear to ear! To this day I feel guilty for the poor girl but in reality there was little that could be done. 

We went on to hire the fabulous “Mr Amazed”, but that as they say, is a story for another day.

[Dad3353]

In similar vein to the above; previously posted back in 2013, but all may not have seen it at the time ...

LAVAL (France, Mid-'70s...)

In a previous life I was a dep drummer, here in France. With a guitarist buddy, we went to 'audition' for a bloke, apparently quite well off, who had invested heavily in his daughter to form a variety band. She was to play accordion and organ, the fellow had a tambourine, all that was left was to complete with the other musicians. The downside..? She (the daughter...) was about 14, and had, not only no musical ability whatever, but no interest in humouring her Dad with his fantasy.
I don't know how, but he had already got a gig for a village fête. My guitar chum desisted, saying (rightly...) that he couldn't follow what the girl was doing. I accepted, basically as money was tight at the time, and I shuddered to think of the poor spectators if she did the 'show' alone. The evening came and went. We weren't asked back, but I got paid. The ruse was simple: I ignored whatever she was doing, and maintained a reasonably danceable 'disco' beat the whole evening. Everyone danced. No-one could have guessed the titles of any of the numbers she 'played'; the variation came from me switching to 3/4 or 6/8 occasionally. I don't think 'Catherine et son ensemble' played any more gigs. All part of the job, really.

 

Edited April 23, 2018 by Dad3353

[Happy Jack]

So it was jazz, basically?

[Dad3353]

8 minutes ago, Happy Jack said:

So it was jazz, basically?

Does that make me a jazz drummer, then..? 

[fretmeister]

On 16/04/2018 at 15:51, Happy Jack said:

Park Royal

HHH is the guitarist who placed the advert. This is an established 3-piece that has been playing around London and the Home Counties for many years. Their long-standing bass player is retiring to the South Coast later in the year so they're getting ready for that by recruiting his replacement.

This isn't technically an audition. HHH has already come to see me play (and sing) with the other pub rock band I play in, he knows exactly how capable I am, and he wants me to dep for two gigs he has coming up later in the month where the current bass player can't make it. Those two gigs will effectively be my 'real' audition.

HHH has been very professional indeed. I've been supplied with full set lists for the two gigs, plus good-quality mp3s of the band playing all those 36 songs live, and he's been quick to give me very comprehensive answers to any questions I've asked. It's all looking good.

With 36 songs to get gig-ready from a standing start I've invested a lot of home practice time. By the time I get to the studio I'm pretty ready. There are a few songs where I don't feel 100% confident but in the main I'm pretty happy.

The session goes well, but there are some worrying straws in the wind.

First, By God but they're LOUD! We're in a small rehearsal room and they have the PA, drums and amps cranked up to volume levels that I've rarely even gigged at.

Second, HHH has really very fixed views on how each song's bass part should go, and it usually comes down to straight eights played with a pick. He doesn't want me to play fingerstyle, he's "not a big fan of arpeggios" (that's an actual quote) and he doesn't much like shuffle beats.

Now I'm not used to being told how to play bass by a guitarist, but with so little time and so much material I decide not to argue about it. There'll be time enough later.

Third? Oh yes, there's a third. HHH and the drummer have played together for 40 years. The two of them are like [cliche alert] an old married couple. They're virtually telepathic, complete each other's sentences, and will never be able to form a balanced band with an incoming bass player. Oh dear.

Two days later the band is playing an Irish pub in Finchley with their current bass player. My wife and I go along to check them out. An old drummer I used to play with is a local so we call him and invite him to join us. The three of us sit there watching, and I am struck by how many of the songs have the lead vocals taken by the bass player. HHH has mentioned how important my BVs will be, but not that he himself is not actually the lead vocalist most of the time.

Meanwhile a strange expression has come over Mick's face. He yells a couple of questions in my ear and then starts laughing. At the break he explains to us that he was in a band with HHH a few years back. "He's a complete bastard, and utterly mental" he says. "Absolute control freak, totally ruthless - just watch yourself". Then he leaves, still laughing.

HHH comes over to ask me what Mick has just said about him. I tell him the truth. He laughs and seems quite unaffected by it.

Our first gig together is a social club north of London on the Friday night. The band's PA is strictly 1980s ... two huge, heavy tops mounted on stands built (apparently) from scaffolding poles, and all of that on stage with us where it takes up perhaps a third of the frontage. I ask why we don't put the stands on the floor in front of the stage and get put in my place quite sharply with a load of bollocks about health & safety.

The drummer brings in his shells, then his traps case, then his cymbals case, then his second traps case, then his second cymbals case. He's brought in enough kit to outfit three rehearsal rooms. He starts building a truly magnificent rig, including three floor toms, five rack toms and at least eight cymbals of varying sizes and shapes.

A third PA stand with a large top now materialises at the back of the stage to the right of the drummer, apparently for (very loud) on-stage monitoring. This contributes to the drummer drifting his kit over to his left, thus pushing me against the wall where I'm standing under one of the PA tops. All sorts of alarm bells are ringing by now.

My wife sets up her recording gear - she videos all the gigs my bands play. HHH sees this and delivers a lecture to the effect that nothing, nothing at all gets online unless he approves it.

Hmmmm.

We play the gig. My playing is fine. Not brilliant, but I'm always where I'm supposed to be and it will all sound fine to the audience. I drop a few minor clangers, as you might expect, but that's nothing compared to the list of cockups by HHH. He is clearly very uncomfortable at having to do all the lead vocals and that's spilling over into his guitar playing, which is all over the place.

After the gig, the band breaks down and loads out in almost complete silence. Not a good sign.

The next night we play another social club, this time south of London. The gig is virtually a carbon copy of Friday in every respect.

On Sunday morning I'm in the queue at Sainsbury when my mobile rings. It's HHH. He tells me that I'm hopeless, my bass playing is "going backwards fast", it's just not going to work out, and they're going back to their previous bass player.

He's clearly forgotten that I have a complete video recording of both gigs and he doesn't. I think we both know where the blame really lies.

On looking at the footage carefully, I realise that the drummer never actually plays most of that enormous kit. It's just there for show.

Frankly, I consider this one a bullet dodged. It was always going to end in tears.

Can we see the footage?

 

Pretty please?

[Happy Jack]

6 minutes ago, fretmeister said:

Can we see the footage?

 

Pretty please?

What, and have HHH coming after me with his chopper raised?

Bwahahahahaha!!!

[fretmeister]

14 minutes ago, Happy Jack said:

What, and have HHH coming after me with his chopper raised?

Bwahahahahaha!!!

We've all got your back!

 

(err, how big is he? )