Auditions in Hell

[uk_lefty]

4 hours ago, Bluewine said:

Avoid " I Have To Be In A Band" syndrome.

I avoided a certain audition from hell three or four years back. My wife said it was a shame I had all this bass gear but didn't play in a band. I agreed, and we said before we had kids I should join a band, play some gigs, etc. So I set about looking, in the meantime invested in a gorgeous P bass, and had some interest. I was looking only within five miles of home initially. There was a guy who said he plays country, has recorded ten albums, most of which were recorded in Nashville and played regular gigs locally. He was dead keen, I like country but was honest in saying I'd never played it but would have a go and learn as I went along. He was trying to sort dates for rehearsal with his band mates. All sounded promising. So as this is going on I asked for the third or fourth time for weblinks to his songs. I got sent a YouTube clip to his "video".

It was the most excruciatingly embarrassing thing I have ever seen in my life. The guy could barely play and obviously could not sing. Camcorder video of him strumming a guitar on his garden while wearing reactolite glasses with his "pro recording" dubbed over. It was absolutely dreadful. Don't know of it was the awful voice or studio autotune but my wife summed it up, between fits of laughter as "it's Kermit the ****ing frog!!!!" 

I sent a polite decline email saying my old band was getting back together (a lie) and I didn't have time for both adventures at once. 

I then receive an email saying "bassist has cried off, shall we meet anyway?" So I replied to him "don't think this was meant for me, and I'm doing ok holding back the tears"

[Stylon Pilson]

38 minutes ago, uk_lefty said:

Camcorder video of him strumming a guitar on his garden while wearing reactolite glasses with his "pro recording" dubbed over.

I'm sure you still have that link floating around somewhere...

S.P.

[tthiggins]

Sounds like a bunch of cowboys 

[Lozz196]

5 hours ago, Bluewine said:

As you know I have a lot of opinions on auditions.

 

Before any of us should audition;

1. Have clear understanding of what your looking for in a band. 

2. Do your homework, look for recent videos of the band.

3. Make sure the personal line up is what you think it is.

4. Ask questions, anything that's important to you ask about it.

 

Most bad audition can be avoided if you do your homework.

Avoid " I Have To Be In A Band" syndrome.

Blue

 

Spot on, Blue, to me - and yourself from the above it would seem - an audition works both ways, you`re auditioning the band to see if they fit with what you want to do musically/hobby-wise etc. Just joining a band, any band, to avoid not being in a band is more than likely to end up being the wrong choice.

[uk_lefty]

24 minutes ago, Stylon Pilson said:

I'm sure you still have that link floating around somewhere...

S.P.

I could easily find it but if I publish it here, especially after that post, I could get locked up for cyber bullying, or one of the original offensive communication crimes. 

[Stylon Pilson]

1 hour ago, uk_lefty said:

I could easily find it but if I publish it here, especially after that post, I could get locked up for cyber bullying, or one of the original offensive communication crimes. 

Who said anything about publishing? Slide me a PM. I promise I won't breathe a word.

S.P.

[Wolverinebass]

Acton 2007

Many years ago I decided to take on a second project while my main band were on a break for a few months.

I get invited to this audition which sounds interesting. Kind of like the Doors, but they don't have anything online. I decide to chance my arm. This sorry escapade was the last time I ever did that.

I show up and the band aren't there, so I set my gear up and go outside for a cigarette. I get a text saying they're running "5 minutes late." 40 minutes later the drummer and keyboard player arrive. The guitarist apparently isn't coming. Flags are starting to ascend in my mind.

We get in and the keyboard player (we'll call him Bob - not his real name) asks why I've got such a crap bass and didn't have a precision. I was playing an Alembic.

Bob then literally throws some sheet music in my face and says this is bassline. I had asked and confirmed that I could make up my own bass parts. Seemingly, this had been forgotten. "Can you not read?" Yes, I can, and I took about 20 seconds to read it before getting it into my head.

We start playing. It's quite clear that Bob is taking every song as a keyboard solo. The bass part whilst very fast isn't what I'd play. Bob reluctantly agreed to play it again giving me some leeway noting sternly "that the songs are already written." 

So we start again. I play a bit looser and so does the drummer. The song sounds really fun. Then Bob stops playing and quite annoyed says that I'd "deviated too far and that I was playing like "a f@**ing talentless idiot."

Hmm. That sounded a bit like an insult so I broke it down in my head. "Idiot?" Yeah, that's probably true. "F@**ing idiot?" Maybe. I don't have documentary evidence on me to refute it. Hang on, I'm not talentless...

I politely ask Bob to repeat that as I assure him it'll be much more difficult to do so once I knock out his front teeth. The drummer asks Bob to calm down. I hasten to say at this point that Bob is 6 foot 2 and I'm only 5 foot 9. Still, I guess the sight of an angry Scotsman starting to clench his fists is enough. Or at least so I thought.

I decided to leave really quickly before I really lost my temper. Now, I always wear earplugs. Bob wasn't so he thought he'd said something that I wouldn't hear under his breath, but sadly, slightly too loud.

As I was putting my bass back in my back I hear the muttered "f@**ing w@**er" behind me. So, I very calmly stood up and lamped him. He went flying over his keyboard and into the wall. I then calmly pick up my stuff and leave (the drummer is in shock and doesn't say anything).

A few months later I was contacted by Bob through Myspace (he didn't know who I was) asking if I'd join his band. As tempting as it was to agree and go in disguise, I didn't reply.

Finally, there is proof that you can get a callback after literally doing anything at an audition.

[uk_lefty]

7 minutes ago, Wolverinebass said:

Acton 2007

Many years ago I decided to take on a second project while my main band were on a break for a few months.

I get invited to this audition which sounds interesting. Kind of like the Doors, but they don't have anything online. I decide to chance my arm. This sorry escapade was the last time I ever did that.

I show up and the band aren't there, so I set my gear up and go outside for a cigarette. I get a text saying they're running "5 minutes late." 40 minutes later the drummer and keyboard player arrive. The guitarist apparently isn't coming. Flags are starting to ascend in my mind.

We get in and the keyboard player (we'll call him Bob - not his real name) asks why I've got such a crap bass and didn't have a precision. I was playing an Alembic.

Bob then literally throws some sheet music in my face and says this is bassline. I had asked and confirmed that I could make up my own bass parts. Seemingly, this had been forgotten. "Can you not read?" Yes, I can, and I took about 20 seconds to read it before getting it into my head.

We start playing. It's quite clear that Bob is taking every song as a keyboard solo. The bass part whilst very fast isn't what I'd play. Bob reluctantly agreed to play it again giving me some leeway noting sternly "that the songs are already written." 

So we start again. I play a bit looser and so does the drummer. The song sounds really fun. Then Bob stops playing and quite annoyed says that I'd "deviated too far and that I was playing like "a f@**ing talentless idiot."

Hmm. That sounded a bit like an insult so I broke it down in my head. "Idiot?" Yeah, that's probably true. "F@**ing idiot?" Maybe. I don't have documentary evidence on me to refute it. Hang on, I'm not talentless...

I politely ask Bob to repeat that as I assure him it'll be much more difficult to do so once I knock out his front teeth. The drummer asks Bob to calm down. I hasten to say at this point that Bob is 6 foot 2 and I'm only 5 foot 9. Still, I guess the sight of an angry Scotsman starting to clench his fists is enough. Or at least so I thought.

I decided to leave really quickly before I really lost my temper. Now, I always wear earplugs. Bob wasn't so he thought he'd said something that I wouldn't hear under his breath, but sadly, slightly too loud.

As I was putting my bass back in my back I hear the muttered "f@**ing w@**er" behind me. So, I very calmly stood up and lamped him. He went flying over his keyboard and into the wall. I then calmly pick up my stuff and leave (the drummer is in shock and doesn't say anything).

A few months later I was contacted by Bob through Myspace (he didn't know who I was) asking if I'd join his band. As tempting as it was to agree and go in disguise, I didn't reply.

Finally, there is proof that you can get a callback after literally doing anything at an audition.

While I don't approve of violence in general he can't say you didn't warn him!! 

I'll save this one for my list of "reasons to never play with a keyboard player"

[fleabag]

I approve of the violence.  

He will have been taught a valuable lesson, and maybe won't treat people with such disdain in the future.

Not everyone he's nasty to will turn the other cheek.

Psalm 101.

Edited September 5, 2018 by fleabag

[songofthewind]

Good work. And that, folks, is why you should never screw around with a Scottish bassist.

[fleabag]

Beware the Glasgae Kiss

[Monkey Steve]

7 hours ago, Wolverinebass said:

 

A few months later I was contacted by Bob through Myspace (he didn't know who I was) asking if I'd join his band. As tempting as it was to agree and go in disguise, I didn't reply.

Finally, there is proof that you can get a callback after literally doing anything at an audition.

The shame is you didn't reply and tell him that you didn't fancy it because you'd heard that he's a complete nasty pasty to be in a band with...(let's see what the swear filter makes of that)

[Bluewine]

7 hours ago, Wolverinebass said:

We get in and the keyboard player (we'll call him Bob - not his real name) asks why I've got such a crap bass and didn't have a precision. 

 

I would have started packing up my gear with no explanation at that point.

Blue

Edited September 5, 2018 by Bluewine

[skankdelvar]

7 hours ago, Wolverinebass said:

Bob

 I'm sorry but punching out someone like Bob during an audition is entirely disproportionate. He deserved a car bomb at the very least.
 

Edited September 5, 2018 by skankdelvar

[Wolverinebass]

On 05/09/2018 at 09:44, Wolverinebass said:

Acton 2007

Many years ago I decided to take on a second project while my main band were on a break for a few months.

I get invited to this audition which sounds interesting. Kind of like the Doors, but they don't have anything online. I decide to chance my arm. This sorry escapade was the last time I ever did that.

I show up and the band aren't there, so I set my gear up and go outside for a cigarette. I get a text saying they're running "5 minutes late." 40 minutes later the drummer and keyboard player arrive. The guitarist apparently isn't coming. Flags are starting to ascend in my mind.

We get in and the keyboard player (we'll call him Bob - not his real name) asks why I've got such a crap bass and didn't have a precision. I was playing an Alembic.

Bob then literally throws some sheet music in my face and says this is bassline. I had asked and confirmed that I could make up my own bass parts. Seemingly, this had been forgotten. "Can you not read?" Yes, I can, and I took about 20 seconds to read it before getting it into my head.

We start playing. It's quite clear that Bob is taking every song as a keyboard solo. The bass part whilst very fast isn't what I'd play. Bob reluctantly agreed to play it again giving me some leeway noting sternly "that the songs are already written." 

So we start again. I play a bit looser and so does the drummer. The song sounds really fun. Then Bob stops playing and quite annoyed says that I'd "deviated too far and that I was playing like "a [email protected]**ing talentless idiot."

Hmm. That sounded a bit like an insult so I broke it down in my head. "Idiot?" Yeah, that's probably true. "[email protected]**ing idiot?" Maybe. I don't have documentary evidence on me to refute it. Hang on, I'm not talentless...

I politely ask Bob to repeat that as I assure him it'll be much more difficult to do so once I knock out his front teeth. The drummer asks Bob to calm down. I hasten to say at this point that Bob is 6 foot 2 and I'm only 5 foot 9. Still, I guess the sight of an angry Scotsman starting to clench his fists is enough. Or at least so I thought.

I decided to leave really quickly before I really lost my temper. Now, I always wear earplugs. Bob wasn't so he thought he'd said something that I wouldn't hear under his breath, but sadly, slightly too loud.

As I was putting my bass back in my back I hear the muttered "[email protected]**ing [email protected]**er" behind me. So, I very calmly stood up and lamped him. He went flying over his keyboard and into the wall. I then calmly pick up my stuff and leave (the drummer is in shock and doesn't say anything).

A few months later I was contacted by Bob through Myspace (he didn't know who I was) asking if I'd join his band. As tempting as it was to agree and go in disguise, I didn't reply.

Finally, there is proof that you can get a callback after literally doing anything at an audition.

As an addendum to this sorry fiasco. I put up a few adverts to try and find a band over the last few weeks.

Less than an hour ago I received a message from Bob asking if I could read music and played a precision through an ampeg rig. Should I ask if his jaw has healed? You seriously can't make this stuff up.

[PTB]

I've enjoyed reading through these.  I'll share one of mine with you.

There was a singer, about 15 years older than the rest of us, who came to audition for our pub r'n'b band around 2001.  He clearly couldn't pitch a note  - he was as flat as a pancake - and by the end of verse 1, we were all rolling our eyes and trying hold back the sniggering. We moved into the chorus and at the end of it, he went for the final high note throwing his head forwards.  With that, his teeth flew out across the room, hit the floor and slid under the drum kit.  He looked aghast and shouted "Guitar solo!" and dived down between the kick drum and floor tom.  Eventually, he shuffled backwards, stood up and held his false choppers up to the light.  He blew the filth and fag ash off them and popped them back in.  

He was just about to sing the next verse when he realised we were all rolling around in hysterics...........

A week later, he e-mailed us and asked for feedback on his efforts.  

 

 

[MoonBassAlpha]

That would make a cracking advert for Fixadent, or somesuch.

[Rich]

On ‎05‎/‎09‎/‎2018 at 06:55, uk_lefty said:

I then receive an email saying "bassist has cried off, shall we meet anyway?" So I replied to him "don't think this was meant for me, and I'm doing ok holding back the tears"

Outstanding comeback  

[Rich]

On ‎05‎/‎09‎/‎2018 at 17:33, skankdelvar said:

 I'm sorry but punching out someone like Bob during an audition is entirely disproportionate. He deserved a car bomb at the very least.
 

No. No no no no no NO. Absolutely unacceptable.

 

 

 

He might have had a really nice car. Although that's unlikely for a keyboard player, admittedly.

[spongebob]

I went for an audition with a covers band around 2011.

Found my way to a country club type-place, unloaded into the back room.

Met the guitarist (okay, but very dull) and drummer (nice guy), and finally the 'singer' came in. With her mum and dad (although she was over 20, not a child or anything).

They then announced that they were going for a curry in the restaurant. I should have left then, but as the drummer was so friendly, I wanted to stick it out just in case. And the guitarist had a Sabbath 'Heaven And Hell' t-shirt on. So we  halfheartedly jammed for the next 40 mins.

She eventually returned, and we played a few covers with her parents watching. They had to keep encouraging her to sing with a bit more passion.....she had no clue or idea.

Thing is, I'd been sold on the audition by a YT clip of her (she seemed good) and the project in general.

It was nothing like as promised, and neither was she. Never again!

[rogerstodge]

21 hours ago, PTB said:

I've enjoyed reading through these.  I'll share one of mine with you.

There was a singer, about 15 years older than the rest of us, who came to audition for our pub r'n'b band around 2001.  He clearly couldn't pitch a note  - he was as flat as a pancake - and by the end of verse 1, we were all rolling our eyes and trying hold back the sniggering. We moved into the chorus and at the end of it, he went for the final high note throwing his head forwards.  With that, his teeth flew out across the room, hit the floor and slid under the drum kit.  He looked aghast and shouted "Guitar solo!" and dived down between the kick drum and floor tom.  Eventually, he shuffled backwards, stood up and held his false choppers up to the light.  He blew the filth and fag ash off them and popped them back in.  

He was just about to sing the next verse when he realised we were all rolling around in hysterics...........

A week later, he e-mailed us and asked for feedback on his efforts.  

 

 

Did he get the job?

[Rich]

21 hours ago, PTB said:

With that, his teeth flew out across the room, hit the floor and slid under the drum kit.  He looked aghast and shouted "Guitar solo!" and dived down between the kick drum and floor tom.  Eventually, he shuffled backwards, stood up and held his false choppers up to the light.  He blew the filth and fag ash off them and popped them back in.  

He was just about to sing the next verse when he realised we were all rolling around in hysterics...........

Absolutely priceless. Thank you, that was the best laugh I've had in weeks.