Auditions in Hell

[Dan Dare]

9 hours ago, Bluewine said:

"My boss told me your fee was $400.00 not $500.00"

Yep. And he'll tell the boss he paid the band the full fee and put the remaining hundred in his pocket. Oldest trick in the book.

Edited June 14, 2018 by Dan Dare
Spelling error

[KevB]

Yes theres a venue near me that the singer checked out (but I knew the score there anyway) where they want you to play before they give you a gig. Fortunately it's not a full gig, they just want to look at bands they don't know at their open mic first to check them out. It's fair enough if you are an unknown quantity. Unfortunately 3 band members live so far away from the venue that the chances of them making  a midweek open mic are pretty much zero. I recall its not a well paying venue anyway which is one reason I've never played there.

[PaulWarning]

3 minutes ago, KevB said:

Yes theres a venue near me that the singer checked out (but I knew the score there anyway) where they want you to play before they give you a gig. Fortunately it's not a full gig, they just want to look at bands they don't know at their open mic first to check them out. It's fair enough if you are an unknown quantity. Unfortunately 3 band members live so far away from the venue that the chances of them making  a midweek open mic are pretty much zero. I recall its not a well paying venue anyway which is one reason I've never played there.

where's that Kev, the Hop Pole?

[TrevorR]

Another AFH occurred to me. There used to be a guy who busked in the shopping centres near us doing his own songs and trying to sell his home produced CDs. His set up was... Acoustic or semi-acoustic guitar,  Madonna style headset radio mike and an overweening sense of his own genius. Also an act which resembled a courts jester on acid. His attire also berfectly matched this approach. To be fair he put 110% into it. He would bounce around while singing and then, taking full advantage of his wireless set up,  bounce up to passing shoppers singing into their faces and generally scaring children (literally - saw many a toddler crumble into tears as he looked up to him). My mate Pete called him “That Mad Busker Blokel

Anyway, after several years lay off I decided I fancied getting back into gigging and saw a card I never a local music styles and artists listed as influences on the ad seemed great. All artists I pretty much liked. OK it was originals and I had been thinking covers but if it was any good... why not. I gave number on the card a ring and he seemed like a genuine, nice bloke on the phone. He suggested he could pop over one evening, bring a couple of his demo CDs to give me an idea of what his music was like and chat about his vision for the band. That seemed fair enough so a date was set...

Fast forward about a week and there is a ding-dong on my doorbell. I open to door and my first thought is,  “OMG it’s the Mad Busker Bloke!  What do I do now?” Anyway, I invited  him in and put the kettle on. The evening went well enough although a lot of it seemed to comprise of him telling me what a musical genius he was, how the music industry was missing out by not capitalising on his talent and how “This time next year, Rodney, we’ll be millionaires!” Other than this extreme level of (delusional) self belief he seemed to be pretty personable and the songs were... well, OK. And certainly better than when performed by a demented Timmy Mallet-alike leering in your face in the local shopping centre. In the end I, against my better judgement, found myself agreeing to come along to his band following Wednesday. Help!

Anyway, at the time my job entailed semi regular trips to Brussels, Maastricht and Paris. Sometimes at pretty short notice. Well, the following Monday afternoon it all kicked off. On Tuesday afternoon it was confirmed that it really needed to get over there toot-sweet and Eurostar tickets were booked for Wednesday morning. I let “MBB” know that, regretfully I wouldn’t be able to make it and they work might be a bit unpredictable for the next few weeks til things settled down. But NEXT Wednesday,, what about that? He agreed. Sure enough, next Tuesday I was once again booking Eurostar tickets and phoning him to let him know. 

The following week when I called up and left a message on his answerphone to say I was, once again, off to the land of moules frites at short notice I never heard back. In hindsight, I think it might have been the universe being kind to me... I think that a few weeks I need his band and he would have driven me crazy...

[Dad3353]

1 hour ago, TrevorR said:

...“This time next year, Rodney, we’ll be millionaires!”...

Not much cop if he couldn't even get your name right. 

[KevB]

3 hours ago, PaulWarning said:

where's that Kev, the Hop Pole?

Yep, think they've been doing that approach with new acts for quite a while.

[PaulWarning]

30 minutes ago, KevB said:

Yep, think they've been doing that approach with new acts for quite a while.

thought so, you're right they don't pay the full whack, might not work at the moment though, the open mic is so popular they can't get all the acts on sometimes and a full band stteing up causes chaos

[Stylon Pilson]

Since I've recently landed a new gig, I've been in a diary-writing mood, and have been reminiscing about the various bands I've been in over the last decade or so, and some of the near misses. This one springs to mind:

I responded to a posting on joinmyband looking for a bass player to join a drummer and guitarist to start an originals indie-rock band. Sounded interesting so I sent a message asking for more information. They seemed to have reasonably good credentials, though I was a little concerned that the guitarist seemed to be more interested in namechecking the bands that he's been a tech for. They said they were also looking for a singer, and at the moment the guitarist is doing the singing in rehearsals.

They told me the date of their next rehearsal, and that there'd also be a guy coming along trying out for the singer job. With 3 days to go, they asked me if I wouldn't mind learning 3 covers that the singer knows well, just to help him out. Sure, I said.

I arrived at the rehearsal rooms, got my stuff set up and started chatting with the drummer and guitarist. Apart from the guitarist giving off vibes of being a horrible womanizer, they seemed okay. Then the singer arrived. A fairly stocky fellow, he bumbled in, smiling through broken teeth, and growling about how he's got a stinking hangover so apologies if his singing wasn't 100%. Uh-oh, I thought.

Give him the benefit of the doubt though, maybe he's just being very modest. But no, he started singing, and it was not good. Maybe it was the hangover, or maybe he just can't sing. There's no way to tell, and so I'd never take that risk. The end of the "audition" came and the guitarist and drummer were practically shaking this guy's hand saying "welcome to the band". I took that as a red flag and made my decision.

S.P.

[Bluewine]

On 14/06/2018 at 05:58, KevB said:

Yes theres a venue near me that the singer checked out (but I knew the score there anyway) where they want you to play before they give you a gig. Fortunately it's not a full gig, they just want to look at bands they don't know at their open mic first to check them out. It's fair enough if you are an unknown quantity. Unfortunately 3 band members live so far away from the venue that the chances of them making  a midweek open mic are pretty much zero. I recall its not a well paying venue anyway which is one reason I've never played there.

Being a known commodity has it's advantages.

After 12 years we don't chase after gigs anymore.

 

Blue

[Bluewine]

12 hours ago, Stylon Pilson said:

Since I've recently landed a new gig, I've been in a diary-writing mood, and have been reminiscing about the various bands I've been in over the last decade or so, and some of the near misses. This one springs to mind:

I responded to a posting on joinmyband looking for a bass player to join a drummer and guitarist to start an originals indie-rock band. Sounded interesting so I sent a message asking for more information. They seemed to have reasonably good credentials, though I was a little concerned that the guitarist seemed to be more interested in namechecking the bands that he's been a tech for. They said they were also looking for a singer, and at the moment the guitarist is doing the singing in rehearsals.

They told me the date of their next rehearsal, and that there'd also be a guy coming along trying out for the singer job. With 3 days to go, they asked me if I wouldn't mind learning 3 covers that the singer knows well, just to help him out. Sure, I said.

I arrived at the rehearsal rooms, got my stuff set up and started chatting with the drummer and guitarist. Apart from the guitarist giving off vibes of being a horrible womanizer, they seemed okay. Then the singer arrived. A fairly stocky fellow, he bumbled in, smiling through broken teeth, and growling about how he's got a stinking hangover so apologies if his singing wasn't 100%. Uh-oh, I thought.

Give him the benefit of the doubt though, maybe he's just being very modest. But no, he started singing, and it was not good. Maybe it was the hangover, or maybe he just can't sing. There's no way to tell, and so I'd never take that risk. The end of the "audition" came and the guitarist and drummer were practically shaking this guy's hand saying "welcome to the band". I took that as a red flag and made my decision.

S.P.

You guys are not going to like my response.

Yes, giving the green light to a guy who arrives at the audition hungover would definitely be a red flag to me. However, the other red flag was l"ooking to start an originals indie band"

Depends on what your looking for, but in my neck of the woods this sort of opportunity never goes any further than a few partial rehearsals.

Blue

[peteb]

2 hours ago, Bluewine said:

You guys are not going to like my response.

Yes, giving the green light to a guy who arrives at the audition hungover would definitely be a red flag to me. However, the other red flag was l"ooking to start an originals indie band"

Depends on what your looking for, but in my neck of the woods this sort of opportunity never goes any further than a few partial rehearsals.

Blue

But that is a different type of opportunity than what you would be looking for. There could have been a very similar opportunity available ten or fifteen years ago for a bass player to join the Killers...! 

[Bluewine]

57 minutes ago, peteb said:

But that is a different type of opportunity than what you would be looking for. There could have been a very similar opportunity available ten or fifteen years ago for a bass player to join the Killers...! 

I can't debate that one. I'd love to see another "Killers" emerge on the scene

Blue.

[Happy Jack]

Yup, Burt Lancaster was one helluva front man.

[Happy Jack]

On 16/04/2018 at 15:50, Happy Jack said:

Uxbridge

Then BBB says that the next bassist is due. Hang on - I've got another 10 minutes yet! He goes to look for him, leaving me with the other three. As we chat, it emerges that the third and last bass player who will be trying out that evening is a friend of the drummer's.

Well thanks a bunch for mentioning that guys. If I'd known that sooner I wouldn't have bothered to turn up. I don't actually reveal my feelings (I'm not entirely stupid) but I am now aware that there isn't a cat in hell's chance of getting this gig.

I pack up and leave, friendly to everyone, a smile on my face. Next morning BBB emails me to thank me, compliment me on my playing, and confirm that the gig as bassist went to the drummer's friend.

Quel surprise, mon brave!

 

Remember this?

Wonderfully, sublimely, I have just this minute stumbled across the same band's advert in June for ... a new drummer.

Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen!

[skankdelvar]

52 minutes ago, Happy Jack said:

Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen!

Now's the time to spring like a panther: send your drummer down to audition. When he gets the gig he can tell them he'll only join if he can bring his friend (you) in on bass. Then you both turn up for the rehearsal and sack the other band members. Then book some gigs in this band's name; leave it a while then cancel them at the last minute while savagely insulting the bookers down the phone. Then announce the band is folding.

Arm long, vengeance total. Proper job.

Edited August 4, 2018 by skankdelvar

[Skinnyman]

12 hours ago, skankdelvar said:

Now's the time to spring like a panther: send your drummer down to audition. When he gets the gig he can tell them he'll only join if he can bring his friend (you) in on bass. Then you both turn up for the rehearsal and sack the other band members. Then book some gigs in this band's name; leave it a while then cancel them at the last minute while savagely insulting the bookers down the phone. Then announce the band is folding.

Arm long, vengeance total. Proper job.

Remind me never to p*ss you off....

[bazzbass]

On ‎14‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 20:28, KevB said:

 they just want to look at bands they don't know at their open mic first to check them out. 

They never heard of YouTube and FaceBook, and Soundcloud,Bandcamp.....?

Open mics are usually for soloists, singer songwriters,  people that aren't in bands or those not good enough to be in a band, imho ymmv

[yorks5stringer]

A couple of weeks ago i saw an ad on JMB for a singer-songwriter looking for a band to start gigging. Intrigued, I had a quick listen to a couple of the songs which were OK, so replied saying I'd be happy to meet up and see if it had legs.

Almost immediately ( veterans of JMB will know that many replies and ads remain unanswered) I got a response telling me they worked in PR and had many contacts and always got well-paid gigs. They also asked if I was free on August 11th to which I replied 'yes'. They then got back to me saying there were drums interested and could we all do a gig on August 11th( but unpaid)! I responded saying that seemed a big ask but if we had a rehearsal beforehand we could see if it was at all possible, so we set a date and time. I asked if they had a PA to which they replied 'no' and they thought we could work acoustically. I pointed out drums and bass were not really suited to that if all they had was voice and acoustic guitar, so agreed reluctantly to 'borrow' some PA ( as I did not want to get lumbered as the PA man). Lots of emails flowed back and forth and the day prior to the gig ( as we had exchanged phone number) I got a call from the drummer who I vaguely knew. I mentioned I had misgivings ( as had he) but we agreed to give it a go the following day. I'd looked at links to the material (there was an album launch a couple of years ago on YT) and each song seemed to be based around just 2 chords, and even the bassist in the backing band had looked embarrassed at the lack of changes and I had struggled to work out anything  other than roots and some twiddling...

On the appointed day I got an  email asking if anyone was passing their house  to give them a lift to the venue  for the gig (where they had blagged  a rehearsal) and I reluctantly agreed.

Picked them up on time, quick chat on the way to the venue and arrived. They went straight to the steward and started sorting out how the PA I brought could be relayed around the stadium for the big gig and I was brought into the conversation. I said before we looked at that, let's see how we gelled as a group....

Anyway the songs were OK but not my cup of tea, very little opportunity to be musical in this format without overwhelming their voice and the drummer made some suggestions too. So we had a break and we were asked if we thought it was worth pursuing and I voiced my misgivings as did drummer and we thanked them for the opportunity.

Slightly awkward drive back to drop singer off at their home but really I should have declined once i'd looked at the YT stuff.

[matski]

When I first moved to Warsaw I only knew a couple of musicians, so asked them to put me in touch with anyone who they heard might need a bass player. So, a week or so later I get a call and ask if I want to go and rehearse with a band. Sure!

I arrive at the given address and it turns out to be a semi-derelict factory. Okay. There's a youngish bloke waiting outside for me and he helps me lug my amp out of the car and inside - it looks like a squat. After wending our way through a veritable labyrinth of dark corridors I find myself in a darkened room with a surly looking, multi-pierced person behind a 1000 piece drumkit and another guy with a BC Rich guitar and a full-on Marshall stack. This is gonna get loud, methinks. 

First up, they ask me to detune my 5 string down to a low G. Alarm bells! Then they give me a quick rendition of one of their 'songs': a 600bpm deathcore number, with the chap who helped me load in jumping around shouting "WOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" into his microphone. Hmmmmm. I think I'm at the wrong gig here, but hey whatever I should be able to keep up with them. We thrash around for 5 minutes or so and they ask me what I think, to which I reply that I don't really think I'm the right man for the job. Shouty bloke assures me that I should hang around as their second vocalist will be along shortly and he is a much better singer. OK. Second vocalist arrives, we start another 'song', now there are 2 variations on the "WOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" theme. Enough is enough for me, so I start to make my excuses and leave. 

On the way out, they ask if I'd like to join them for their next rehearsal - I politely decline, but being British say that whenever they are planning to gig let me know and I'll come along (as if). I enquire as to the name of their ensemble to which I get a reply of indecipherable Polish. How does that translate into English, I enquire, 'Nun's C*nt' they reply.

[kendall]

On ‎14‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 12:20, TrevorR said:

Another AFH occurred to me. There used to be a guy who busked in the shopping centres near us doing his own songs and trying to sell his home produced CDs. His set up was... Acoustic or semi-acoustic guitar,  Madonna style headset radio mike and an overweening sense of his own genius. Also an act which resembled a courts jester on acid. His attire also berfectly matched this approach. To be fair he put 110% into it. He would bounce around while singing and then, taking full advantage of his wireless set up,  bounce up to passing shoppers singing into their faces and generally scaring children (literally - saw many a toddler crumble into tears as he looked up to him). My mate Pete called him “That Mad Busker Blokel

 

Hey, I used to live in Woodley, near Reading and I'm sure I've seen this character at the Woodley Precinct near Waitrose.  He used to bounce on his toes as he played, and exactly as you described, scare the living daylights out of OAPs, kids etc.   I was always amazed that he expected someone to buy his CDs.

Edited August 7, 2018 by kendall

[KevB]

On 05/08/2018 at 11:51, bazzbass said:

They never heard of YouTube and FaceBook, and Soundcloud,Bandcamp.....?

Open mics are usually for soloists, singer songwriters,  people that aren't in bands or those not good enough to be in a band, imho ymmv

It does indeed.

[TrevorR]

43 minutes ago, kendall said:

Hey, I used to live in Woodley, near Reading and I'm sure I've seen this character at the Woodley Precinct near Waitrose.  He used to bounce on his toes as he played, and exactly as you described, scare the living daylights out of OAPs, kids etc.   I was always amazed that he expected someone to buy his CDs.

That'll be him. IIRC there may have been pixie boots involved in the costume (about 10 years after they were fleetingly popular). He was known to terrorise wide stretches of Berkshire and the surrounding countryside. You, therefore, know exactly how far my heart sank when I opened the door.

[kendall]

1 hour ago, TrevorR said:

That'll be him. IIRC there may have been pixie boots involved in the costume (about 10 years after they were fleetingly popular). He was known to terrorise wide stretches of Berkshire and the surrounding countryside. You, therefore, know exactly how far my heart sank when I opened the door.

Just mentioned this to Mrs K, she reminded me that had had a habit of shouting "whoopah" at intervals throughout his songs.  Yeah - I would love to have seen the expression on your face when you opened that door.  🤣

[Stylon Pilson]

I don't have anything to add to this thread at this time, but I want to bump it to keep it alive. I love reading peoples' stories of cringeworthy auditions!

S.P.

[Bluewine]

As you know I have a lot of opinions on auditions.

 

Before any of us should audition;

1. Have clear understanding of what your looking for in a band. 

2. Do your homework, look for recent videos of the band.

3. Make sure the personal line up is what you think it is.

4. Ask questions, anything that's important to you ask about it.

 

Most bad audition can be avoided if you do your homework.

Avoid " I Have To Be In A Band" syndrome.

Blue