Friends or colleagues?

[Lozz196]

Well we don’t socialise outside of the band but we gig so much that would be difficult anyway. We spend so much time together gigging/touring that it would be rotten to spend it with people you don’t class as mates, so mates they be.

[musicbassman]

11 hours ago, AndyTravis said:

Maybe from the outside looking in.

Happiest in my own company. Rarely happens so I generally spend my days being a bit spiky and miserable.

It’s not so bad with my wife and kids, but people I don’t know, it’s like scraping sandpaper across my soul.

 

This is the male condition.

Men naturally see all other men as potential enemies, whereas women see all other women as potential friends.

It's written into our genes.

Harsh, but true.   😳

.....err....... have a nice day !

 

[skidder652003]

10 years in and I'd have to count them as mates but we all live a short drive away from each other so we rarely socialise outside of the band but as we reherse mostly once a week and gig nearly every weekend Im happy enough to see them as much as I do. It's a completely different bunch to my mates in the village where I live so it makes for a nice change.

[Ruiner]

1 hour ago, musicbassman said:

This is the male condition.

Men naturally see all other men as potential enemies, whereas women see all other women as potential friends.

It's written into our genes.

Harsh, but true.   😳

.....err....... have a nice day !

 

Not wanting to speak for anybody else but I feel like you might have missed the point here. For me at least, and I share similar sentiments to AndyTravis and CamdenRob, it's not about viewing anybody as enemies and it's got nothing to do with gender. I just find socialising to be massively hard work and incredibly draining. Slightly less so with people I know well but massively so with more casual acquaintances or colleagues.

Rather than viewing anybody as a potential enemy I'm more likely to come away worrying that my awkwardness might be misinterpreted as being rude or stand offish

 

Edited December 4, 2019 by Ruiner

[PaulWarning]

2 minutes ago, Ruiner said:

Not wanting to speak for anybody else but I feel like you might have missed the point here. For me at least, and I share similar sentiments to AndyTravis and CamdenRob, it's not about viewing anybody as enemies and it's got nothing to do with gender. I just find socialising to be massively hard work and incredibly draining. Slightly less so with people I know well but massively so with more casual acquaintances or colleagues.

Rather than viewing anybody as a potential enemy I'm more likely to come away worrying that my awkwardness might result in a person thinking I was rude or stand offish

 

socialising can be fun when you find out you've got something in common to chat about, hard work when you haven't, unless, like our singer, he has no problem at all, he just talks about himself 😀

[King Tut]

In my current band, my band mates are best friends. In most of my other bands they've been friends. I've had a couple of 'colleague' band mates. I've been pretty lucky.

[musicbassman]

17 minutes ago, PaulWarning said:

it's not about viewing anybody as enemies and it's got nothing to do with gender

Yep, the key word in my sentence which you omitted was potential - meaning that men are naturally on guard (i.e. making sure they don't show weakness)  in most social situations - and this could be seen as being socially awkward to an observer.

[BlueMoon]

I joined my main giging band through a formal try-out and audition process. We are band mates and colleagues. Don't see them socially outside of after-gig wind-down. So, not really friends.......but, then again, I'm "Billy no mates"!

[BrunoBass]

39 minutes ago, musicbassman said:

Yep, the key word in my sentence which you omitted was potential - meaning that men are naturally on guard (i.e. making sure they don't show weakness)  in most social situations - and this could be seen as being socially awkward to an observer.

I definitely get that, there are certainly types of male that I don’t feel comfortable being in the company of and will actively avoid. Usually the alpha male type. I’m the least alpha male you could wish to meet and really hate the ‘Richard measuring’ dynamic that surrounds such groups of men. I’ll talk to and try to get on with anyone but I have a problem relating to them. 
 

 

Edited December 4, 2019 by BrunoBass

[BrunoBass]

Just now, BrunoBass said:

I definitely get that, there are certainly types of male that I don’t feel comfortable being in the company of and will actively avoid. Usually the alpha male type. I’m the least alpha male you could wish to meet and really hate the ‘Richard measuring’ dynamic that surrounds such groups of men. I’ll talk to and try to get in with anyone but I have a problem relating to them. 
 

 

I see the swear filter has been turned up to 11. What if you’re referring to someone actually called D*ick? 😂

[PaulWarning]

  51 minutes ago, PaulWarning said:

it's not about viewing anybody as enemies and it's got nothing to do with gender

Fake news, I never said that, how did that happen? 

[cetera]

I have very few 'friends', but many 'acquaintances' or 'colleagues'.
Proper friendship includes loyalty, understanding, being there for one another etc..... 30+ years in bands proves that (for the most part) my bandmates have not been real friends.

[DoubleOhStephan]

2 hours ago, musicbassman said:

This is the male condition.

Men naturally see all other men as potential enemies, whereas women see all other women as potential friends.

It's written into our genes.

Harsh, but true.   😳

.....err....... have a nice day !

 

Interesting comment.

Not sure I fully agree with the "woman as potential friends" part, I'd be more inclined to put forward Jordan Petersons view which suggests that men have much more of a threat of physical violence than woman do. Woman's expression of violence tends to be verbal. 

This is probably best demonstrated by types of bullying behaviour children engage in. Boys will bully by pushing, shoving and hitting, girls bully by causing reputational damage by spreading rumours or social exclusion, which is very evident in how girls are affected by (and are perpetrators of) online bullying much more than boys. 

With this in mind, it offers an explanation as to why men tend to be on guard around other men, basically in case it kicks off, whereas woman will be more to be "friendly" to each other, then talk about that person when they aren't present. 

[Lozz196]

Agree, it’s how we were designed as an animal.

[peteb]

3 hours ago, musicbassman said:

This is the male condition.

Men naturally see all other men as potential enemies, whereas women see all other women as potential friends.

It's written into our genes.

Harsh, but true.   😳

.....err....... have a nice day !

 

Are you sure about that?? 

Sometimes I think that it is the other way round,  especially with girls in their late teens / twenties...

[musicbassman]

1 hour ago, PaulWarning said:

Fake news, I never said that, how did that happen? 

Quite right Paul, it was Ruiners comment that should have been quoted there.

[Ruiner]

3 hours ago, musicbassman said:

Yep, the key word in my sentence which you omitted was potential - meaning that men are naturally on guard (i.e. making sure they don't show weakness)  in most social situations - and this could be seen as being socially awkward to an observer.

I respect your opinion. Didn't mean to misquote you. Still disagree I think but only speaking from my own perspective so maybe what you're saying is true in some cases 🙂

[Ruiner]

3 hours ago, PaulWarning said:

socialising can be fun when you find out you've got something in common to chat about, hard work when you haven't, unless, like our singer, he has no problem at all, he just talks about himself 😀

I love people like that. Less work if someone is happy to do all the talking and I can just nod occasionally without any fear of a lull in the conversation haha

[wateroftyne]

Mrs. WoT & I have been known to chat occasionally outside of the gig environment.

One chap I gig with a lot is my best pal, and has been since we were kids - most of the other people I gig with are friends who I'm happy to socialise with.

 

[dmccombe7]

6 minutes ago, wateroftyne said:

Mrs. WoT & I have been known to chat occasionally outside of the gig environment.

 

This Sat will be the first gig in 30 yrs that my wife won't be there. She decided that sitting on her own for 3.5 hrs is maybe a bit too long. Because we are Glam outfit with costumes etc we get ready 30mins before gig and stay in changing room for interval and then need to get changed at end of the night before dismantling gear etc.

She used to do all the lights etc but they're al automatic settings and smoke machine i operate by footswitch as and when needed. She's now redundant 

NB :- it was all her choice and i had no influence.

Dave

[fleabag]

Colleagues , but nice colleagues.  We're scattered all over Oxfordshire, and nearly all are married with other social lives, couple of members have businesses that take them abroad occasionally, one has youngish kids, so we have never socialised outside of the band environment, but the whole crew have a great sense of humour, and we all get on very well.

Not something i've had in previous bands

[Woodinblack]

Main band - people who are in the same band as me.

Secondary band, would hang out with the drummer, so that is as friendly as a band has been since my 20s (when we were all mates first, band second).

[Paul S]

I think this came up before.  The word 'friend' means different things to different people.  Some people regard the people that follow them on Facebook as 'friends' and have lots.  My understanding of the word 'friend' is something more deep - someone with whom you can share your darkest thoughts, someone you will always be there for because you know they will always be there for you.  I have very few friends.  I am 'friendly' with lots of people, however, and this is how I would describe my relationship with band members.  Apart from the guitarist in the band that just folded, of course.   

[dmccombe7]

42 minutes ago, Paul S said:

I think this came up before.  The word 'friend' means different things to different people.  Some people regard the people that follow them on Facebook as 'friends' and have lots.  My understanding of the word 'friend' is something more deep - someone with whom you can share your darkest thoughts, someone you will always be there for because you know they will always be there for you.  I have very few friends.  I am 'friendly' with lots of people, however, and this is how I would describe my relationship with band members.  Apart from the guitarist in the band that just folded, of course.   

+1 on this

Even drinkng buddies in the pub really weren't what i class as "friends" unless i saw them away from a pub environment.

Edited December 4, 2019 by dmccombe7

[mrtcat]

Colleagues first and foremost. This band is purely work for me (and the rest of the band) and it's all about delivering a good product and making money. We do over 100 gigs a year,  many involving long journeys, so it's important that we get along ok. There's no issues at all and we generally rub along well.

My band mates are all individuals tho so on a personal level I like them to differing degrees. I like the lead guitarist a lot, he's a really sound guy and we always have a laugh. Band leader is a really nice guy with a great sense of humour but he's very quiet and pensive a lot of the time so not that easy to feel like we're particularly close mates. Drummer can be great and really friendly but also can be an utter knob. He tends to throw strops and chuck mutually owned band gear around so I have very little respect for that. My wife refers to him as "the man baby" because he can be really childish and stubborn at times.