solo4652 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Don't know whether this is the right Forum, but it's sort of appropriate to put it here anyway. So, here goes... My band has come up with a way to make money for Red Nose Day, and we'd like everybody's help please. It's a marveloous idea - we're so rubbish that people pay us [b]NOT[/b] to play their favourite songs! How brilliant is that! We expect to be overwhelmed with requests along these lines: Hi! I hear you're not going to play songs for charity today - is that right? Yeah! We've been practising very hard by going to work and we now have an extensive back-catalogue of numbers which we're happy not to play for a fee. Do you do Status Quo? Ooooh, tricky. You see, the thing is that Quo numbers sound good, but are deceptively easy to play. So, we have to work hard at not playing them. For that reason, we charge more not to play them. Oh. How about Take That? Similar argument really. Take That songs are really popular and we get asked all the time to play them. In fact, it takes a lot of time and effort to avoid playing them, so we have to charge more to not play them. Abba? No problem! Their songs sound straightforward but are in fact technically difficult to play, and we really struggle with them. For us, it's very easy not to play them, so we can certainly do that for you. In fact, I tell you what, we have a 3-for-2 offer on just now with Abba songs - makes things easier for us. Same thing applies to any Motown number (not including Mony Mony). So, what's your request then? I'm going for Summer of 69, please. What!? We're are professionals you know! We wouldn't be seen dead not playing that! We do have our standards. We sort of sepcialise in not playing an Oi!/Swing type vibe - It's not everybody who can't play that you know... Look, I think you're pulling a fast one here. I've heard that you charge people for songs that you haven't played before - sounds like a scam to me. Rubbish! We approach each song in the same professional way and aim to do the very best we can to not play it. Failing that we play it as badly as possible - although, obviously, you'd be expected to donate a bit less in that case. And so on. We've actually had a lot of interest in bands who are keen to not play for money - in fact we're seriously thinking about franchising the whole idea. We've had interest from; The Stones (who want to not play because the're a bit old now), Spandau Ballet (bit, well, 80's...) and Michael Jackson (not playing because he died years ago). If you'd like us to not play for you today, then post your request here and we'll see what we can do! Please be patient - we expect to be very busy and it may take quite a bit of time before we don't play your song. However, we'll let you know just before we don't play it, so you can be sure it's your song we're not playing next. Wouldn't want anybody to think we're taking their money for nothing. Regards, Steve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldGit Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 [quote name='solo4652' post='433269' date='Mar 13 2009, 09:08 AM']Michael Jackson (not playing because he died years ago).[/quote] hey I just [b]knew[/b] that was a Michael Jackson look-alike selling out 40 dates at the 02 Arena this week .... or maybe this one.. It's the psudo military uniform that's fooled them ... Genral Sir Michael Jackson. [color="#000000"]Oh and by the way, absolutely great idea![/color] Please don't play Siberian Khatru by Yes for me How do I get some rednose money to you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Funkmaster Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 [quote name='OldGit' post='433291' date='Mar 13 2009, 09:35 AM']hey I just [b]knew[/b] that was a Michael Jackson look-alike selling out 40 dates at the 02 Arena this week ....[/quote] Sorry for veering off topic, but... talking of M. Jackson... [i][b]It's not him is it? [/b][/i][ (I can't believe I'm going to say this!) It doesn't look like Michael Jackson - he seems too well built and healthy to be Michael Jackson. And where did the high squeaky voice go? Whoever it was that did that press conference last week had a deep voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spinynorman Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Great idea. If you get overwhelmed with requests I'm sure my band would help out. We've not played Paranoid or anything else by Black Sabbath for about 5 years, so that must count as some kind of track record. We're also known for not playing anything by Yes, Pink Floyd or Emerson Lake and Palmer, on the grounds that life really is too short. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solo4652 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Well - what a day it's been! We've been completely mad-busy this morning. We turned up for rehearsal and we were MOBBED by people asking us to not play. At one point we had Radio 1, Radio 2, Radio Five Live[b] and[/b] North-North-East Tonight lined up and begging us to not play. We had no idea we were so famous! That so many people wanted us to not play was quite...touching, really. At rehearsal, the bassist didn't turn up. But that's OK because it meant we could get through the songs quicker, so we ended up not playing more songs than we expected. However, unfortunately the keys player did turn up which sort of surprised us - first time we'd ever seen them, and we had got very used to not playing with them. Some good news - we were approached by a promoter who certainly wanted us to not play at the MEN Arena tomorrow night. Well, we tried our best, but we have already agreed to not play at the Budokan, and we didn't want to let anybody down. Can't not be in two places at once, after all! Some not so good news - we have been approached by the Spice Girls' management company who threatened us with an injunction. Apparently, the Spice Girls have the sole, exclusive rights to not performing for money, and so we either have to stop not performing, or perform for money. I think. So, I'm afraid I won't be able to contribute to this thread any more for legal reasons. However, there's just time to let you know which were the songs that most people asked us not to play today. It looked like it was going to be between Lady in Red, and "anything by U2", but the overall winner was Money for Nothing, which absolutely nobody had seen coming at all. Steve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solo4652 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 [quote name='OldGit' post='433291' date='Mar 13 2009, 09:35 AM']hey I just [b]knew[/b] that was a Michael Jackson look-alike selling out 40 dates at the 02 Arena this week .... or maybe this one.. It's the psudo military uniform that's fooled them ... Genral Sir Michael Jackson. [color="#000000"]Oh and by the way, absolutely great idea![/color] Please don't play Siberian Khatru by Yes for me How do I get some rednose money to you?[/quote] Paypal, cheque, banker's draft, cash, postal order - we're not fussy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldGit Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 [quote name='solo4652' post='433788' date='Mar 13 2009, 03:29 PM']Paypal, cheque, banker's draft, cash, postal order - we're not fussy.[/quote] Can you set up one of those paypal charity things ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldGit Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 (edited) [quote name='OldGit' post='433866' date='Mar 13 2009, 04:25 PM']Can you set up one of those paypal charity things ?[/quote] or I could promise to not not pay a rednose collector near me? Edited March 13, 2009 by OldGit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solo4652 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 [quote name='OldGit' post='433867' date='Mar 13 2009, 04:26 PM']or I could promise to not not pay a rednose collector near me?[/quote] That's a double negative, isn't it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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