Bass cringe

[Chris2112]

'Cringe' is one of the foremost artforms in the modern world. Culture has now evolved to the point where cringe is rightly regarded as the most divine sustenance and I would invite you share your best bass and music related cringe stories here. 

 

In my own recollection of bass related cringe, my mind is often drawn back to an amusing incident in a small bass guitar shop about 15 years ago. I will be sparing with the details to protect the identities of those involved. 

A friend of mine had recently moved to my part of the country, saying he was looking for a more active jazz scene as that was what he was into. He couldn't afford London prices, I guess, as that would have been the place to go for a jazz scene in the UK. Anyway, he was quite a player and we would often meet at a certain bass guitar shop and try out a few instruments. It was at a time when we both had basses coming and going so it was nice to have a bit of a gas on whilst playing different basses. 

My pal was quite into Jaco at the time and was showing me a few pieces he had worked on. There was a guy standing at the counter next to us. He had a gig bag with him, he was quite a lot older than both of us and obviously knew the shopkeeper, who seemed to be tolerating whatever conversation he was making.

My friend casually asked the shopkeeper if he knew of any good teachers in the area as, having just moved, he didn't have any contacts. The bloke at the counter said he had a few numbers in his book and my mate could take them down if he wanted. At that point, the bloke casually decided to mention to the shopkeeper that he was a teacher; a ploy quite obviously for our attention but presented in such a way as to appear part of the natural flow of conversation with the now-bored shopkeeper. 

The bloke said "I've probably had enough of teaching. I mean, if I found a guy who I thought was going to be the next Jaco I would, you know, teach him everything I know...", his voice trailing off as if to invite some response from my friend. The phrase seemed intended to generate an aura of gravitas but neither my friend nor I knew who the guy was at the time.

The bloke sat down and opened his case, pulling out a very nice fretless bass. I could tell you the make and model, because you won't see many on these shores. However, I won't because this guy may well be identified by that particular bass even all these years later. He plugged in and started 'performing' in his strange sales pitch across the room from us. I found the whole thing quite toe-curling because the intent was so clear. There is also something about a poorly played fretless that causes me some amusement and the odd sharp and flat found their way in which just added to the silliness of the whole thing. 

I mentioned this incident to my friend years later and he remembered it, though we hadn't discussed it since. He even went as far as to say that if the bloke had just introduced himself and had a conversation about his services, he probably would have had a few lessons for want of a better option at the time. However, his enduring impression was that the ego of the guy was such that he expected this prospective student to audition for him right there in the shop, as if to show he was worthy of being taught by this master. 

Looking back, it sounds like something out of a cheesy 1980's movie but remembering it still brings me a nostalgic, cringe-inducing glow. 

I await your own entertaining tales.

[Killed_by_Death]

 

I was trying amps in the back of the local Fender dealer one day & I played the intro to Purple Haze poorly a few times.

No sooner than I had stepped out into the front that some dude goes straight back there & starts wailing Purple Haze loud, so I just gave a flat smile to the staff & headed straight for the door.

I never saw that guy in there again, but if I had I would have just walked right out.

 

[Downunderwonder]

Host of my regular open mic is a hua of a musician, guitarist singer, can't play fretless 5 string bass to save his life. Doesn't stop him trying after a few whiskeys. I figure it saves on other wannabes asking for a go.

[cheddatom]

One bassist I work with cannot play what he's trying to play, so every second he's playing is "cringe". The same guy loves to watch himself in the reflection of the studio glass while he's playing. 

I said to another bassist in the studio "Your guitarist is playing F#m, so you can't play the Bb, if you want to play the 3rd you have to play the A" and he just stared at me confused. This guy has been playing for over 40 years. I tried again "The chord is minor so you can't play the major 3rd over it, it clashes". He said, totally straight faced, "It doesn't make any difference!?". I laughed hard but I really shouldn't have - super cringe

Kid says "I play a bit of guitar but bass is my main instrument. I hate it when guitarists think they can play bass, it's a totally different instrument" and then strums constant root notes for the whole song, no fills, not even a 5th. 

 

[Munurmunuh]

3 hours ago, cheddatom said:

I said to another bassist in the studio "Your guitarist is playing F#m, so you can't play the Bb, if you want to play the 3rd you have to play the A" and he just stared at me confused.

Of course he was confused, he was playing an A#, not a Bb

[uk_lefty]

Hmmm am sure I've done a few.... Went in to one of the Denmark Street bass shops and half glanced at something and said "is that a Westone Thunder?" it was a Wal. 

[Lozz196]

44 minutes ago, uk_lefty said:

Hmmm am sure I've done a few.... Went in to one of the Denmark Street bass shops and half glanced at something and said "is that a Westone Thunder?" it was a Wal. 

Just a pity they didn’t sell it to you for the price of a Westone, would have been bargain of the century!

[Lozz196]

52 minutes ago, Ricky Rioli said:

Of course he was confused, he was playing an A#, not a Bb

I like that, I’ve always thought that optimists play sharps as they’re reaching for more whereas pessimists play flats as they’re not quite getting there.

[Mastodon2]

1 minute ago, Lozz196 said:

I like that, I’ve always thought that optimists play sharps as they’re reaching for more whereas pessimists play flats as they’re not quite getting there.

I have always felt that when someone is playing a melody or taking a solo and they play a bum note, if they hit a sharp note they sound over-excited and if they hit a flat note they sound really unenthusiastic and unmotivated. It has always amused me.

[Dankology]

6 hours ago, cheddatom said:

Kid says "I play a bit of guitar but bass is my main instrument. I hate it when guitarists think they can play bass, it's a totally different instrument" and then strums constant root notes for the whole song, no fills, not even a 5th. 

In the kid's defence, I've never met a single guitarist who could do that...

[Supernaut]

I've got some absolute belters...

I remember starting a funk / rock band with a drummer I had met locally. We put up an ad explaining who we were and what we were looking for in a guitarist. I definitely remember putting "No metal guitarists", let's put it that way.

I get a reply from a guy around our age and he seemed enthusiastic. Have you played any funk before I asked him - "Loads of times" was his reply...

He rocked up to the audition, we tuned up and I announced we should jam for a bit to loosen up. Before we started, he interrupted and asked if he could play Master of Puppets for us... I looked at the drummer and said sure. 

What came next was two minutes of the worst MOP I have ever heard. I thought he was having us on but he was dead serious! He finished by saying he was now warmed up and ready to go. The drummer looked on the verge of tears trying not to burst out laughing.

We sent him on his way and that was that. 

Fortunately, our next guitarist audition went really well and he was invited to join the group.  

[Chris2112]

7 hours ago, cheddatom said:

 

Kid says "I play a bit of guitar but bass is my main instrument. I hate it when guitarists think they can play bass, it's a totally different instrument" and then strums constant root notes for the whole song, no fills, not even a 5th. 

 

Always good for a laugh. You can't beat a proper bassist. 

Years ago I went to a 'Shadows club's with my brother and our teacher. This was a certain thing in the North of England where old blokes would rent a room at a pub or social club and play covers of Shadows tunes on their pristine Strats whilst having a few pints. They won't be around much longer as their membership will all be ancient now. You would turn up and tell the DJ which tunes you wanted to play and your name would go down in the ledger for your backing track to be queued up later. On a busy night you might only get two or three tunes. 

Anyway, there was one bloke there with a silver P bass up on stage during the opening performance playing the worst walking bass I had ever heard over some old 60's rock tune. I never play walking bass but I know the format. I was fixated on watching this guy as he continually bobbed along out of time and hitting loads of bum notes. 

The next performance came as a guitarist stepped up from the crowd. He played 'I never promised you a rose garden' whilst the guy with the P bass farted around behind him. 

My guitar teacher went up next and as he was getting his strat out of the case (a really nice tobacco burst model with a triple ply mint green scratchplate) the guy with the P bass stood up and stepped towards the stage saying "I'll sit in for this". Doug, my guitar teacher, waved him back and told him not to bother so the bloke sat down, dejected. 

I asked Doug after he had played what that interaction was all about. He said that the bass player was actually a guitarist, but realised he could spend more time on stage if he came with a bass and offered to 'sit in' on each performance. He would try and play anything but rarely knew the chords so he'd try and 'busk' his way through the music which is what give his playing that odd 'uncertain' quality as he hunted around looking for notes or the beat. 

Most blokes at the club knew him well enough to say hello but perhaps not well enough to tell him to sod off when he wanted to sit in. Apparently the luckiest spot was when he had just got a fresh pint in as he would be busy with that and wouldn't try to join you on stage! 

The incident struck me as amusing rather than being an outright cringe as I don't think the guy really ever made any claim to be amazing even if his competence was in doubt. He maybe should have bought a small drum like a dejembe to play instead of a bass if it was his desire to get more stage time. 

[uk_lefty]

7 minutes ago, Chris2112 said:

He maybe should have bought a small drum like a dejembe to play instead of a bass if it was his desire to get more stage time. 

Or brought a chord sheet....? 

[zbd1960]

Lack of self-awareness... I'm overly self-conscious, something i need to overcome if I'm going to be playing bass anytime with anyone

[paul_5]

Does ‘playing the first song of a live set with amp in standby’ count?

Guilty as charged.

[Lozz196]

3 minutes ago, paul_5 said:

Does ‘playing the first song of a live set with amp in standby’ count?

Guilty as charged.

Make it two of us 

[AScheck9]

Having never played in a band before, I was invited to come try out for one. They asked me if I'd got my own amp and I was honest and said "yeah absolutely, I'll bring it." They didn't ask if I'd gotten my own bass but fear not: I borrowed my sister's bass guitar. 

I did have an amp and it DID seem loud at home, but alas when I turned up with my 25 watt peavey practice amp I think the band were rather underwhelmed.

I plonked it down on the floor next to the guitarists Marshall stack which towered above it and that was the last we heard of the amp for the night. 

[Dazm66]

10 hours ago, paul_5 said:

Does ‘playing the first song of a live set with amp in standby’ count?

Guilty as charged.

Or “well I play it in that key with the other band!” At the end of the first song of a set.

[Jakester]

11 hours ago, paul_5 said:

Does ‘playing the first song of a live set with amp in standby’ count?

Guilty as charged.

Not really bass related, but I once saw Herbie Hancock live with the Headhunters and he played the first tune of his set without having switched on any of his outboard rack synth stuff, so it was all just default piano sound. Still good, but not quite what he was going for…

 

On a more sad note, I saw Oscar Peterson on his final tour, and he played the first tune, then the second tune, then played the first tune again, then the second tune again, then the second tune again, and then then first tune. His band were getting more and more agitated and one of them went over to speak to him between tunes, and they were waved off. So over the whole performance we only heard a couple of tunes. A real shame. 

Edited July 7, 2021 by Jakester

[cheddatom]

A drummer in the studio once told me the metronome must be going out of time

[Paul S]

17 hours ago, Chris2112 said:

Years ago I went to a 'Shadows club's with my brother and our teacher. This was a certain thing in the North of England where old blokes would rent a room at a pub or social club and play covers of Shadows tunes on their pristine Strats whilst having a few pints. They won't be around much longer as their membership will all be ancient now. You would turn up and tell the DJ which tunes you wanted to play and your name would go down in the ledger for your backing track to be queued up later. On a busy night you might only get two or three tunes. 

 

Not just in the north, they are everywhere.  My brother in law belongs to several within an hours travelling distance of Southend in Essex.  Same format.  You've never seen so many Hank Marvin Signature Strats.  I went along once.  Just the once.  There are only so many times you can try to look enthusiastic about some old fella strumbling his way through Apache.  That said, there are one or two players with a very good touch on the circuit.

[ubit]

I find every time I go into a music shop and they say would you like to try something? I always say NO, Im just looking. I have learned that over the years everything I know will just leave me as soon as I plug in that bass. I can't noodle impressively like some can so I need to know what I am playing. So my cringes moment is years ago when I went into a little booth to try a Ric. Great I thought, in here on my own I can give it laldy. No sooner had I started when a girl came in with a guitar and started playing totally impressive jazz shapes. Totally ruined my moment and left me handing the Ric back after two minutes.