Those 'train wreck' moments

[TimR]

That would never happen nowadays with the advent of satnav....

 

Would it....?

 

😆

[borntohang]

49 minutes ago, Lozz196 said:

Back in 91 the band I was in did a UK tour, as a support band.

 

First gig was in Bradford. All pile in the van which had been rented & modded for the tour, driver sets off with the band in fine mood.

 

Pull up, driver says everyone out as he’s having trouble finding the venue, asks one of us to go into a petrol station to ask for directions.

 

Before that happened I asked “Isn’t the gig in Bradford” to which the answer was yes.

 

My next question, which wasn’t so well received was “ well why are we in Barnsley”.

 

Aaaaaarrgh!

 

Hahaha. That reminds me that we once sent a lost drummer into a Newcastle petrol station for directions. He stood in the window for about fifteen minutes nodding and chatting with the attendant before climbing back into the van and driving off with a single comment of "Didn't get a word of that." 

 

This was of course pre sat nav apps but late on enough for Google Maps to be a thing, which meant a copilot with a stack of A4 covered in directions and inevitably at least one band member in a huff after we missed out a step and rendered the rest of the pile useless. 

Edited February 2, 2022 by borntohang

[TimR]

11 hours ago, nekomatic said:

Turns out he's the DJ and gets us back after our set by playing the original of every tune we cover, to show how much better the original was than our version (which to be fair, was true).

 

We learned a very valuable lesson one New Year's Eve. We gave the club DJ our setlist so he would know when to be ready for our 2 breaks and finish so he could seamlessly start his music.

 

Won't ever do that again. 

Edited February 2, 2022 by TimR

[Velarian]

Directions to gigs seems to be another rich seam of tales. My mates band was playing in Dundee and when they couldn’t find the venue they stopped and asked a character for directions. He said he was going that way and offered to jump in the van and direct from there. When he got in, he took one look at the keyboard player who had long hair and a beard - I can’t do the accent but this character says “Christ, you’re a hairy b@stard”, which didn’t get him off to a very good start. So, they set off and after a short while he says “turn left”. They went on a bit further and he says “turn left” again and a little bit further after that he says “turn left” again. One of the lads says “if he says turn left one more time I’m going to lamp him”. Sure enough a bit later he says “turn left” and the other lad says to him “you don’t really know where you’re going do you?” to which he admitted that he didn’t. What a chancer!

[chris_b]

55 minutes ago, borntohang said:

 

Hahaha. That reminds me that we once sent a lost drummer into a Newcastle petrol station for directions. He stood in the window for about fifteen minutes nodding and chatting with the attendant before climbing back into the van and driving off with a single comment of "Didn't get a word of that."

 

Same here. Newcastle was the only place we got directions and didn't understand a  word! We drove around the corner and asked again and this time we found someone who spoke English!

 

Also in Newcastle, we stopped to ask a guy standing at a bus stop directions to the main road south. He said "Oh that's easy", opened the passengers door and pushed in. The cheeky sod directed us to his front door! As he got out he told us how to get from his place to the main road! 

 

[bassace]

We pulled into this town and stopped alongside a passer by.

 

”Can you tell us where the University is, please”

 

”There isn’t one”

 

”Yes there is”

 

”No there isn’t”

 

”Yes there is”

 

”Where is it then?”

 

Sorry guys, that’s a joke Acker told me.

[bassbiscuits]

Travelled from Wales to Stoke many years ago when I was a teenager to play a gig. I went with my dad, while the guitarist and singer shared another car.
 

We got home safely in the early hours, but the singer/guitarist’s car did less well. 

 

Some spectacular wrong turns later they ended up on the outskirts of London at about 4am (a good four hour drive away from their intended destination).
 

I’d have teased them more about it except I didn’t drive at the time so didn’t have a leg to stand on!

 

[bassbiscuits]

Did a wedding at which the organisers had massively overbooked other singers/pianist/string quartet etc at (plus the usual overrunning programme of speeches etc).
 

We spent most of the evening sitting around in a comfy side room, while the organiser periodically popped her head in to say “sorry about this -not long now etc.” 
 

I think we set up and played for 35 minutes in the end before they ran out of time. Bizarre.  

[Muzz]

Pretty much verbatim conversation a while back with the BL:

 

'What time are we setting off tomorrow Pal?'

'Get round to ours at about three. You can follow my car.'

'Three? What time's the wedding?'

'Normal time; arrive for six to set up, bugger off for the speeches, we're starting the first set about half eight.'

'But...it's in the New Forest?'

'Yeah?'

'And we're in Manchester?'

'Yeah? It's only Stoke way.'

'You don't know where the New Forest is, do you?'

'Stoke way?'

'Look, to get to the New Forest, you drive South till you can see France, then turn left.'

'You're kidding...hang on...' 

The sound of some worried Googling...

'Oh hellfire...I've not charged for mileage...we can't go in two cars, it'll cost a fortune in petrol. Can we fit it all in yours?'

 

Cue some Olympic-standard Tetris packing at nine the next morning; we got the three of us, the drums, the PA and all stands, the lights, two guitars, two basses and the amps into my car...and people ask why I always drive large estate cars...

[Huge Hands]

I remember playing a gig in central London with 3 sets.  The start of the first set was fast approaching and the singer had not appeared.  We kept ringing him, but his phone was dead.

 

We decided to go ahead with an instrumental first set. Around half an hour in, he showed up, looking flustered.  Apparently he'd been caught in a load of delays on the tube.

 

Ever the professional, he jumped straight on and finished the set.

 

Second set, we play the first song.  He then stops the band and goes off on what he later claimed to be his first attempt at stand up, but what just came across as a expletive laden rant about TfL.

 

This was especially weird as up to then I think I'd heard him swear once in 3 years....

 

At the pauses where (I think) the jokes were meant to be, there was just silence from the crowd and us in the band.  After about 3 mins of this extreme awkwardness, he just looked at me, shrugged his shoulders as if to say "well, I tried" and then carried on with the gig which went well after that.

 

To be fair to him, he was in the performing arts scene and had balls of steel to just try something like that off the cuff.  I just found it cringeworthy at the time!  

[TimR]

There's always one band member who won't leave his car parked anywhere they decide is a 'bit dodgy'.

 

Played with one drummer who would often unload and then disappear off to find somewhere 'safe' to park. It got so bad that he would refuse to do some gigs because he didn't want to park his car anywhere near the venue. 

 

And a singer who would turn up 2 minutes before start, go straight to the bar, arrive on stage with a pint of beer and a pint of water. Spend the first 3 songs complaining he couldn't hear himself and then have to announce his own car registration as he was parked causing an obstruction in the venue car park. 

[uk_lefty]

I wasn't actually involved but my previous band hadn't rehearsed much or done much at all over the lockdowns. 

 

WhatsApp conversation with drummer but with whole bad watching

Drummer: "Can you do X date, calendar says you're away?"

Me: "No, I'm away on a mates stag, can't do that weekend"

Drummer: "Will you be back for the night?" 

Me: "No, I'll still be away"

Drummer: "Ok, the next month says you're out for three days for a wedding, is that right?"

Me: "Yes"

Drummer: "Pretty long f*cking wedding"

Me: "Well it's in York and I'm going up the night before, then there's the night of the wedding, then driving back on the Sunday and there's no way I'm doing a gig that night"

 

Drummer books a gig for date x without me and announces on Facebook which is my first notice of it, AND the same for the rest of the band too. No rehearsal beforehand, and the last one was months earlier and dreadful. Five days before the gig and nobody, not a single member of the band knows what time they're playing etc. Two days before I privately message the drummer and tell him he needs to sort it out because NOBODY knows what's going on, he blames the singer, who blames the drummer. Turns out the drummer must have just been drinking in the pub one Sunday said "we'll do a gig on Saturday!" Slaps it on Facebook then washed his hands of it.

 

Guitarist described this gig as a "car crash".

 

I'm not in that band anymore.

 

[MacDaddy]

I've been in bands as the support act to strippers twice. Neither went well.

Once was for 'The Dreamboys', however this was long after the whole 'Chippendales', 'Dreamboys' male stripper thing had peaked.

An indication of bad things were, was when we found out tickets were been offered on a buy-one-get-four-free deal.

The gig was in a bowling alley, and the Dreamboys were performing across the lanes, but for some reason the band were tucked away in a side room, where the buffet was.

Of course we played to an empty room. Not sure if the punters, such as there were, even knew there was a band. Pretty sure they would not have cared even if they did!

So, free rehearsal with catering.

[Leonard Smalls]

We did a support for Carter the Unstoppable at the Marquee many years ago...

It went down so well that the Marquee offered us our own headline, which was nice, and in the week before Christmas!

So we thought we'd make it special, we gathered our painters (who would paint both a backdrop and our white overalls in fluorescent paint - my Wal still has some blobs of it!), rehearsed to within an inch of our lives and booked a "festive surprise" for the audience.

After our first number, our singer let slip that the surprise was due to be a stripper, which really got the male members of the audience going - you could virtually see huge clouds of testosterone condensing on the ceiling.

2 songs before the end our singer shouted "who's ready for the stripper?"; the (male bits) of the audience went wild, which he milked for every penny.

When the much-hyped stripper finally came on there was a stunned silence, for it was a he... Not only that, he was a rather portly though not unattractive Father Christmas! Luckily the audience coped with the Noel-ish nudity and we finished the set without a single can of piddle thrown at us.

But when we came off stage we found the singer's girlfriend snogging Father Christmas in the dressing room!

Edited February 3, 2022 by Leonard Smalls

[ubit]

19 minutes ago, MacDaddy said:

Of course we played to an empty room

 

 

That happened to us years ago when we were a two piece. We were booked to play a wedding in a private guest house that was trying to get itself on the circuit for weddings and such. When we were setting up the woman kept going on at us to watch her polished wooden floor., We assured her that our stands had rubber feet but she still made our lives uncomfortable. We set up in the dining hall which was separate from the bar. Instant recipe for disaster. Sure as Hell, when we started, everyone stayed in the bar. We played the whole gig to four or five kids sliding on the polished floor. We vowed to never play that place again even if we were asked.

Come to think of it, we played far more than our fair share of gigs to little kids sliding on polished floors!

[BigRedX]

Another one for my dance/rock band a couple of weeks after the London disaster.

 

Our drummer who worked at Coventry University (and would drive to Nottingham twice a week for rehearsals and writing sessions) got us a gig at the Student Christmas Party in their shiny new Student Union building.

 

On the way to the gig and just leaving Nottingham, I have a nagging feeling that we haven't packed all the gear. A check of the van reveals that, the case that holds all the bits and pieces including the optical drives and disks for loading data into the samplers and the floppy disk that actually holds the MIDI sequencer information that runs our backing is missing. Back at mine I retrieve the missing case and luckily happen to also notice that both copies of MIDI disk (normally one goes in the case and other with my bass just in case there is a problem with one) are still sat next to my computer!

 

Arrive rather flustered and later than arranged at the venue, but luckily for us, the headlining band (a well-regarded up and coming band of a similar music style to us who had been picking up a fair bit of Radio 1 airplay for their debut single) are still sound checking. However the sound levels FoH are absolutely punishing! We carry our gear to the front of the stage and retreat to somewhere where we can actually hear ourselves think until its our turn to set up. Sound check goes OK, the position of the stage in relation to the PA means that we are entirely reliant on the foldback which is a bit on the quiet side. It's all a bit weird as our singer nips out the front during an instrument section and tells us the mix is good but painfully loud (although not as bad as the headliner's sound check).

 

The Christmas party was split over 3 floors of the building with DJs on each floor and live music just on one. Before we play a check of the room reveals it's full of enthusiastic people dancing. As soon as we come on and start playing everyone stops, and we can see them visibly moving back away from the stage and then leaving the room. By the time we finish our set it's is almost empty, although as soon as the DJ set starts people drift back in. All in all not a happy experience. We decide to pack all the gear straight into the van and head back to Nottingham. I take a quick into the room to see the headlining band also playing at ear bleeding volume to almost no-one, so don't feel too bad about our performance. It has become obvious that the students simply want to dance to stuff that they know whilst trying to get off with a suitable partner, and live music at any volume was an unwelcome interlude to their evening's activities. Also in our hurry to get away we forget to pack the backdrop (which we hadn't been able to use) and which our drummer had to go back to pick up the next day. 

 

At the next rehearsal I mention that it was a pity our last two gigs weren't as good as we'd hoped and let's hope that the new year would bring us some better ones. Our drummer who was responsible for getting us both these gigs takes this completely the wrong way, as if my comment was aimed at his (lack of) organisational skills and that his drumming was rubbish to boot, and quits on the spot. (Actually he was a really good drummer although he could be a bit temperamental if he couldn't get on with the other band members - he'd already quit the band once because he hated our original singer and then had begged us let him back in when she left and we got someone even better in to replace her). With the drummer gone our guitarist announces that he's leaving as well as he thinks we're unlikely to find a suitable replacement any time soon, and doesn't want to go back to using sequenced samples and loops.

 

It actually turns out that we found an even better drummer within a month, although it takes quite a bit longer to replace the guitarist...

 

[Muzz]

In the function band, we often rearrange the first set (well, we have what would loosely be called a 'flexible' setlist - basically the BL calls them in the order he fancies; I don't mind, because he's very good at reading a room) around the number of Darling Kiddiwinks allowed/encouraged onto the dance floor by their doting parents, which usually precludes anyone else from dancing...

 

On the 'sliding across the floor on knees' thing, the Singist/geetard/BL got carried away and tried that once, in some verrry cheap dress trahsers; cue instant tearing, the sound of the double-squeak of knees suddenly and painfully gaining traction, and him pitching forward onto his face with a resounding clang...the drummer and I played on, unable to look at each other, while he was helped to his feet and guided by kind hands back to the stage...

[bassbiscuits]

We played at a local village festival, and England had some important international footie match to play that same evening (I forget which - I wasn’t following).

We were camping over so we could have a few drinks and enjoy the nice sunny afternoon. I’d brought my own little two-man tent. The rest of the band decided they’d share this big khaki tent the keyboard player assured us was brilliant. 
No one could figure out how to put it up, and the decision was made “let’s just watch the football and put it up later.”

Later turned out to be very dark, and everyone several beers worse for wear, at which point it became obvious it wasn’t actually a tent - it was an awning for a caravan, and no way was it going to work by itself.

Making the best of it they just laid down under it like a massive duvet and passed out. 

I crawled off to bed in my little tent just as it started raining heavily. 
And England got beaten after all that. 
 

[Leonard Smalls]

7 minutes ago, bassbiscuits said:

England had some important international footie match to play that same evening

 

We had one like that, England were playing (I think) Holland, so we brought a 12" portable tv along, stuck it on the stage and had the footie going while we played... Funnily enough, that gig actually got reviewed in Melody Maker, though the reviewer doesn't mention the telly, or the reason (possibly not the only reason!) why the gig was empty...

 

https://pushstuff.co.uk/mmlives/barfroco110591.html

 

I was the one dressed in an Edwardian bathing costume (as you do).

 

[BigRedX]

One of my bands played our last ever gig on the same evening as the finale of the very first Big Brother series. I think we played to the support act, the bar staff and a handful of punters. The lack of audience that night was not the only thing that killed the band off.

[NikNik]

1 hour ago, uk_lefty said:

I wasn't actually involved but my previous band hadn't rehearsed much or done much at all over the lockdowns. 

 

WhatsApp conversation with drummer but with whole bad watching

Drummer: "Can you do X date, calendar says you're away?"

Me: "No, I'm away on a mates stag, can't do that weekend"

Drummer: "Will you be back for the night?" 

Me: "No, I'll still be away"

Drummer: "Ok, the next month says you're out for three days for a wedding, is that right?"

Me: "Yes"

Drummer: "Pretty long f*cking wedding"

Me: "Well it's in York and I'm going up the night before, then there's the night of the wedding, then driving back on the Sunday and there's no way I'm doing a gig that night"

 

Drummer books a gig for date x without me and announces on Facebook which is my first notice of it, AND the same for the rest of the band too. No rehearsal beforehand, and the last one was months earlier and dreadful. Five days before the gig and nobody, not a single member of the band knows what time they're playing etc. Two days before I privately message the drummer and tell him he needs to sort it out because NOBODY knows what's going on, he blames the singer, who blames the drummer. Turns out the drummer must have just been drinking in the pub one Sunday said "we'll do a gig on Saturday!" Slaps it on Facebook then washed his hands of it.

 

Guitarist described this gig as a "car crash".

 

I'm not in that band anymore.

 

That was regular MO with the Ned and Bilbo mentioned earlier in thread. The telephone call would go something like this:-

 

Ned:  Hi! Howya doing?

Me:    Fine! What's new?
Ned:  Howdya fancy doing a gig?
Me:    Sure! When?
Ned:   Err.....tonight! Eight o' clock at the Shitty Tams!

Me:    Ok. How much are we getting paid?
Ned:   Err..errr....we haven't worked that out yet.

 

These two guys would talk a bar manager into doing impromptu gigs, often, I think, just for the exposure. 90% of them we never got paid. Eventually I refused these requests to play at short notice.

Edited February 3, 2022 by NikNik

[rushbo]

Another lengthy story - this time about my stint in a proper, leather trouser wearin', rockin' band.

It was a Tuesday night and probably drizzling outside. Not that we would have known as our lock-up was untroubled by natural light…or ventilation. But we liked it that way. We were halfway through one of our thinly veiled excuses for a wah-wah freakout, when in runs the owner of the lock up in a state of high excitement. He told us that a band had pulled out of a gig at a local venue that very night, and that there was a big rock audience there just waiting to be entertained.  Excited by the opportunity to play to real people, we loaded our gear into the back of the van and set off.

We pulled into the venues' car park which was FULL of expensive and opulently chromed motorbikes. While we unloaded the van, we noticed that no one seemed to be having a lot of fun – in fact there was a really sombre air in the place. Wait a minute…why are all these guys wearing black armbands? Yep. It was a wake. We’d been tricked into playing a bikers wake. No wonder the other band had pulled out.

Nervously, we set up the gear. Occasionally a glass smashed and voices were raised. This was not going to be a good night for anyone, especially us. I dutifully set up my trusty bass, taking care to put it into dropped D tuning for our first, epic number. Satisfied, I left the stage and hid in the toilet for about 20 minutes. It was in there that I heard the sound of music…not ‘Led Zeppelin IV’ which had been playing on a loop since our arrival, but a Bluesy jam. I left the safety of the urinal, only to find three bikers had ‘borrowed’ our gear and were jamming away in the key of A. All apart from the guy on the bass – sorry, MY bass, who was looking bemused. I jumped on stage and told him the Bass was in a weird tuning and maybe I should carry on from here. I strapped it on and ploughed through ten minutes of aimless twelve bar noodling. After that, we had a few minutes before showtime, so I raced to the bar to get something to steady my nerves. It was there I met the erstwhile Bassist who told me the back story to the gig. Apparently, the wake was for a biker in a local chapter who had come off his bike in ‘dubious circumstances’. ‘See them?’ he pointed at a group in the corner. ‘They reckon he was killed by them’. He pointed to an equally dour looking bunch. ‘But they…’ he pointed to a third group ‘reckon it was them’. He pointed to a fourth. ‘So why aren’t they beating each other up?’ I asked, nervously. ‘Truce’ he replied. ‘Until midnight tonight’. I checked my watch. 10.50pm. Yikes.  I quickly shared this information with my bandmates and we ran on stage to get this over with. We waited patiently for ‘Stairway To Heaven’ to finish as we thought we’d be beaten up if we interrupted that. Finally, we caught our breath and lurched into song number one. And so it began….

The first song had a great ‘car crash’ ending where we all played the final chord over and over, finishing off with a highly choreographed KA-BLAMM! accompanied by a heroic, Iggy-esque leap into the air. One person clapped. It was the bloke on the sound desk. We raced through an hours worth of material in 50 minutes. It was at this gig we realised that almost all of our songs had the words ‘Death’, ‘Ghost’ or ‘Murder’ in the lyrics, which were hastily changed on the fly by our quick thinking and terrified lead vocalist. After a few songs, even the sound guy stopped clapping and the only noises we heard between songs were the gritting of teeth, glasses breaking and the odd scuffle…and the occasional muted sob from our drummer.

At 11.45, we finished. As the last chord rang around the room, we started yanking out jack leads and tossing equipment into the back of the van. As we were frenziedly throwing stuff off the stage, a large biker collared our drummer. He gesticulated sharply to the aged piano to the right of the stage. ‘Ay mate, d’yow play piano?’ Relieved that it wasn’t a death threat, he smiled and shook his head. ‘Y’ow can’t play the f*ckin’ drums either’ came the less than friendly retort. I have to admit that even under the shadow of doom, that made me laugh…under my breath, of course.

 

By 11.58, we were all in the van, bloodied but unbowed and we raced out of the car park. It was a while before anyone could speak, so the usual post gig autopsy would have to wait until another, less stressful night. About two miles down the road, we passed a fleet of Police cars racing in the opposite direction, blue lights flashing. I checked my watch. The time was 12.04.

Edited February 3, 2022 by rushbo

[Dan Dare]

Many years ago, I was in a band that played a lot of the Irish ballrooms and dance halls (now sadly all gone). Anyone remember the Hibernian in Fulham, the Galtymore in Cricklewood, the Gresham in Holloway, the Ardri in Manchester, etc? Great places. I miss them.

 

Our singer was a something of a lad, who used to put it about a bit. We were playing one night at the Ardri (managed at the time by the father of the Gallagher brothers. Yes, those Gallagher brothers. This was long before they became famous). He had invited a woman, with who he used to play away when he was in the area, to the gig. For some reason, his missus decided on the spur of the moment to come up with a couple of her pals to see us play. She rang him to tell him the good news and he was forced to call his squeeze and tell her not to come. She was not best pleased and left him with the distinct impression that she might turn up anyway.

 

He instructed us to keep an eye out for her and tip him the wink if she showed up. Being evil, we decided to have some fun at his expense. She hadn't shown by the time we went on, so he told us to "keep 'em peeled" and tip him the wink if we spotted her in the crowd whilst we were playing. We took it in turns throughout the gig to turn to him with an "uh oh" expression on our faces, followed by "Oh, sorry. Don't worry. It's just someone who looks a bit like her".

 

His usually excellent memory became unreliable. He mixed up the words and titles of songs and occasionally sang in gibberish. His vocal delivery, normally powerful and confident, took on an attractive vulnerable quality and we played a lot more instrumental breaks than normal. We got through it OK, but he aged several years. We never did tell him it was a wind up.

Edited February 3, 2022 by Dan Dare

[musicbassman]

56 minutes ago, Dan Dare said:

For some reason, his missus decided on the spur of the moment to come up with a couple of her pals to see us play. She rang him to tell him the good news

Oh my God - I had a similar. The (married) KB player in the band I was in at the time was having a fling with a very young and very attractive woman, whom he would meet up with at our gigs on occasions.

His wife, who was no dummy, obviously suspected something and turned up unannouced at a gig one night. Unfortunately, bad fortune meant it was a night where his girlfriend had already turned up as well. We were in the middle of playing, and our KB player suddenly started fumbling his chords and singing in a strange voice. I then saw his wife waving at us from the back of the room and realised what was going on, and I think the colour drained from my face as well.

We stopped for a break, and the KB player immediately dragged me into the dressing room and confessed that his girlfriend had no idea he was married, and could I pretend that she was MY girlfriend, please? 🥺

Long story short, I introduced the girlfriend to his wife as my 'new girlfriend'. The 'girlfriend', of course, knew nothing about me, and the KB players wife, whom I'm sure knew exactly what was going on, then suggested that the girlfriend came and sat next to her 'so they could have a nice chat'

At the end of the night I had to pretend to leave the gig with her, and once we were driving away from the venue she just said "I've been to hell and back", and wouldn't say anything else.

The band continued on, but that affair was certainly over and she never appeared at a gig again. And the KB player, to the best of my knowledge, never strayed again. 😳

 

Edited February 3, 2022 by musicbassman

[chris_b]

The gig was in Fleet, Hampshire. The keyboard player and me were set up and waiting. . . and waiting. . . and waiting! At ten to nine the drummer and bandleader turned up, flustered and annoyed. The band leader was driving the drummers estate car, because the drummer was banned. The band leader was a very bad driver. No lane discipline, drifting between lanes, speeding up and slowing down. Really bad driving. I had already refused to drive with him. 

 

I asked he drummer what happened and he said they got pulled over by the Police on the M3. Me, what for? Drummer, driving like a ****! Apparently the Police stopped them because they'd never seen anyone driving that badly that hadn't been blind drunk. They breathalysed him because they didn't believe the bandleader was sober.