Those 'train wreck' moments

[Doctor J]

While subbing for a mate's blues-rock cover band, we played a Sunday night gig in a pub which had recently been renovated/transformed from a dingy hole well known for live music, into a trendy, modern superpub with jukebox pop music blasting loudly in every corner. 
 

The gig started with us playing to the barman. After a while, an oul fella came in and stayed for a few songs. Then he left and the barman left too, so we played to the empty room. The drummer then announced he had to go to the toilet, something which required ascending two flights of stairs, so that took a while. While the remaining three of us stood around like idiots, waiting for the drummer to come back, my amp -an old Peavey MkII - made an odd squealing/ farting sound and then went silent. When the drummer came back, we packed up and left.

[Boodang]

Many moons ago in my youth, I was in an originals band doing indie / depression songs about loneliness and suicide (our singer/lyricist favourite topic) with suitable droning / whining guitar parts. We were playing a pub in Northampton, the first set got rid of half the audience, then when the rest saw us come back for more they downed their pints and legged it. About 2 songs in to the second set and playing to an empty pub the barman came up and politely asked us to stop playing ('preferably forever' were his actual words!), pack up and go home, in the hope he could salvage something from the rest of the evening. Surprisingly the band lasted a long time given that the reaction that night was not an uncommon experience. 

Edited January 26, 2022 by Boodang

[Grimalkin]

A friend of mine, was set on a course of wickedness after imbibing to much alcohol at a wedding gig. There were other things going on but he preceded to: Fall into the wedding cake, later he was found crawling around under the top table while everyone was seated, then he topped it off by driving the band van over the golf course.

 

Cost to put that right: £5000

[MacDaddy]

 

The vocalist had been MIA for a few days before the gig. With half an hour to go we still hadn't heard from him, so someone went to get him.

When he turned up, he looked, and smelled, like a zombie.

The gig started and the vocalist started to shriek and moan into the mic. No vocals or vocalising, just shrieking and moaning.

The set was (thankfully) cut short when his Mother suddenly appeared on stage, and took him straight out of the venue and to a mental health facility where he was sectioned.

Still not sure how his Mother turned up, she wasn't there to start with. Anyway, it turned out that during the previous few days he had done nothing, except smoke his way through a mahoosive bag of weed, which had led to a psychotic episode.

 

 So during the break we had a disscussion which was reminicant of the conversion in Spinal Tap, to the extent that the guiatrist actually said "well that's a cosy 10 minutes".

 

 

 

[Oopsdabassist]

In the 1st iteration of the current band, some 11 years ago, our 1st drummer (also the singer) wanted to do a gig local to me, with his brother (good keyboard player but agrophobic) they hired a room above a pub, did all their own promo, on the day of the gig he texts me asking if he could borrow the band stage lighting rig, which I had.  Given I was in bed with a migraine at the time I wasn't best pleased.  Still, I loaded up the motor, set up the gear, and said I'll be back later to de-rig, "stay around" he begged, "we need the numbers"  the numbers were currently me.......and his girlfriend..........and so it stayed all night, not a soul appeared, I fell asleep under a table with my earplugs in praying to my head to stop exploding.  the girlfriend woke me with a kick at the end, scowled at me and told me to get rid of the lights...charming!!

[police squad]

looks like we've all had some great experiences.

I have 2 of note.

Back in '95, I was due to play at my mates wedding, with my (very popular) rock band. He was a biker and the gig was in a biker pub.

However, I was at the wedding breakfast and got absolutely plastered. Proper out of it. We ended up in another having some dinner (before the evening gig), I was asleep in the pub whilst they ate. They carried me to the car, drove me to the gig. 

Then I literally woke up, 'let do this' I said. And did. I have no idea how I got through it but it was ok

 

The other time

We had a recovering alcoholic on the drums. Lovely guy and a superb drummer.

Turned up to the gig, set up, all good

 

first song, Walk this way, Aerosmith. Drummer drops a stick, stops. Starts up again, and drops the stick again. 'I can't play he said'

What to do?  Singer says, I can play drums a bit, as can I ( a bit).

The drummer is plastered

We take 5 minutes to try and assess what to do. 

Barmen comes over, I play keyboards but can drum a bit too.

Bugger me, he wasn't brilliant but he held it together really well.

Punters didn't even notice

 

 

[Staggering on]

Over the years a few crazy times including the drummer forgetting his stick bag and another time his drum pedal, not bringing the stand for the keyboard(plastic crates solved that one). Everything set up and no sound from keyboard, quick trip to get another and delayed start of gig so singer and I did a couple of double bass and vocals to kill time, I don't think we'll try that again but the audience was polite if not enthusiastic.

As a part volunteer part military 7 piece combo we all wore Canadian Forces Air Force uniforms for most gigs and about 30 years ago we had our biggest gig which included a trip to New York City to play at a wedding reception for two military personnel on the aircraft carrier USS Intrepid. It was a two day drive from our homes in Ontario to get there and at the end of the first day one band member realized his uniform was still at home. We managed to contact another Air Force member and borrowed a uniform for the gig but it was tense for a while and the borrowed uniform did not not fit our tall player very well and would never have passed inspection. After hours of playing we found out that the fabulous catered meal we had been promised wasn't going to happen so we went back to our hotel very late and very hungry. When we finally got home we found that we had to pay for a crack in the windshield of the van we rented. Interesting gig though and the BL(military) never realized that the drummer had forgotten his music at home so we all gave him some extra charts and he had them on his stand and it looked like he was reading them.

Then there was the time when two members of the four piece band went to one venue and the other two went to a different one due to a communications mix up. This was pre cell phone days and since the city of 50,000 only had a few venues big enough for this event we eventually got together and played the gig but started late of course. Yes, one of the confused ones was the drummer.

Back in the 70's in a packed(400+) nightclub in Toronto the buxom female star singer who fronted the band got a bit too enthusiastic  and came out of her strapless gown, could have been a real show stopper but she and the band managed to hold it together and finish the song. 

It's been interesting.

 

[Bassman68]

In my late teens, many moons ago, I joined an originals ‘Rock’ band playing twin harmony guitar solo ala ‘Lizzy’ but at the lighter spectrum of songs (Think “Whiskey in the Jar” & “Sarah” ish?)

We managed to blag a Sunday night gig on the outskirts of the Eastend of London, in an old venue, known to my parents in their day, which sadly no longer exists.

We set up, soundchecked etc. & didn’t notice the Sunday night clientele, which turned out to be ‘Biker night’…..

We ripped into our opening song, to be met with a stoney silence at the end (similar to the Blues bros at Bobs country bunker?) 
If it hadn’t been a late winter’s evening, I’m sure we could’ve seen tumbleweed blowing across the dance floor…
We chose a heavier song next, which was received with the odd bang of a pint glass on tables.

My dad spoke to the barman, who said “They like ‘em, otherwise they’d be throwing those glasses”

 

After a review of our sound, which we decided to make ‘heavier’ & a very busked “Born to be wild”, we made it through the night, We even got asked back.

 

Just a complete fish-out-of-water experience at the time, to a green teenager, over the years I’ve played a few Biker meets & love them…

[BigRedX]

Several - here's the first from 1981.

 

I'd been in Nottingham a year and had made lots of friends in the local originals band scene, but was getting a bit frustrated that I wasn't in a gigging band. At the time my band was recording only and most of the other members had gone their separate ways to go to university. We'd made our last lot of recordings on a reel-to-reel recorder bouncing from channel to channel to build up the performance for each song. I hatched a plot with the percussionist that the two us would perform these songs live using the version of the recording without the vocals, me playing guitar and singing (I'm a terrible singer) and him playing bongos and drum synth over the top. Out of necessity, the set order would be the order in which we had originally recorded the songs onto the tape.

 

We turned up to our first gig, a multi-band affair at the Ad-lib Club (later to become The Garage), unannounced and blagged our way onto the bill. As we were on first, there were no free channels on the PA for our backing so it had to go through one of the other band's guitar amps. The performance was interesting to say the least. Our already lo-fi backing was turned into an unrecognisable sludge by the amp, which was virtually impossible to play in time to. We started each song where we thought was right place and hoped that we'd end at roughly the same time as the recorded backing. Whether we were in time with the recording as we played, who knows?

 

Amazingly this shambolic performance got us a rave review in a local fanzine who compared us very favourably to Throbbing Gristle (not that we had any intention of sounding even remotely like them), as well as requests from another band to do some supports - more of which later...

[MacDaddy]

14 minutes ago, Bassman68 said:

My dad spoke to the barman, who said “They like ‘em, otherwise they’d be throwing those glasses”

 

 

 

I had "you were really good, you didn't get bottled or nuffink!".

[MacDaddy]

 

There was the one where the venue wouldn't unlock the doors to let us do the load out as there was a riot happening outside.

[Boodang]

Was in a band once with an alcoholic drummer. We used to keep the gaps between numbers as short as possible to reduce drinking time and regulars to our gigs would put on bets as to how far he would get through the night before falling off his stool. We were young and it all seemed very rock 'n roll at the time which in hindsight wasn't very mature but that's the folly of youth for you.

[Bassman68]

45 minutes ago, MacDaddy said:

 

There was the one where the venue wouldn't unlock the doors to let us do the load out as there was a riot happening outside.

My old function band were once prevented from leaving the pub gig we’d just played due to a punter getting stabbed in the neck & the exit from the venue car park was a crime scene?

[Len_derby]

1 hour ago, MacDaddy said:

 

There was the one where the venue wouldn't unlock the doors to let us do the load out as there was a riot happening outside.

We once got to a pub venue and the doors were locked to stop us getting in!
This was in Matlock Bath and we were told the landlord had done a bunk and left the place locked-up. The place stayed closed for quite a few months but has since reopened in a much cleaner and tidier state. We did get the gig eventually.

[EBS_freak]

OK. Gap Year. Stick with it. It's good.

 

This was a memorable gig for all the most cringe of reasons.

 

So... this was down in Cornwall on a massive private estate in the middle of nowhere. It turned out to be for the wedding of the son of a Lord (I won't divulge names as he's quite trackable). Working through some of the events of the day -

 

1. We were asked to get changed in the servants quarters in the house. We were told that "Tarquin" would let us in and show us to the room where we can get changed. As the good lord told us - "Tarquin. Philippino bloke... but awfully nice. He'll show you the way."

 

I don't think Tarquin was Tarquin's real name - and I don't know why a he would be anything but awfully nice... but there you go.

 

2. We went off to get changed and whilst in the toilets, a tin box was noticed on top of the back of the toilet cistern. It was inscribed with William and Cathrine. After some keen googling, I found out that it was a cake tin from the Royal Wedding. That was the first indication that these folks were connected as up until this name, we only had the name of the events organiser. For anybody interested, the tin looked like this:

 

 

3. We went through the hallway (on the way to our holding room with the hired help) and the place was full of the family with their more famous family members... including one who probably wasn't sweating in the photograph and a picture of the lord with Charlie boy. As the evening progressed, we realised that we were in the company of some quite notable people... and our "warm up" act (who was providing the music during pre dinner drinks) would appear to be somebody of pop royalty (I'm shocked that they didn't just get her band to play). Anyway, that's probably a story for another day... Carrying on...

 

4. The marquee was built onto a hillside - a platform had been built on stilts to have the marquee on the level - but give the infinity views out the side of the marquee. Pretty impressive stuff. This marquee was absolutely massive - with large lounging areas, separate bars, the main eating area, indoor fountains... just think of something completely over the top and multiply it by ten.

 

The band area was a separate "surprise unveiling" - in that it looked like (from the inside of the marquee) it was just the side of the marquee... but it then opened up into a.. err.. nightclub in a marquee. So this brings us to our first notable incident. We were running on a generator - presumably the same one that was powering the whole of the marquee. There was a lot to power - and probably of note was the huge chandelier and hanging illuminated pinata (but more on that later).

 

As we soundcheck, there was what I could only describe what felt and sounded like a bomb going off. The whole ground shook and the sound was just louder than anything I'd ever heard. Everything inside power wise, was dead. We went out to the generator was located, and there we found that the top of the generator had been blown clean off. Cue the electricians (whole team of them) trying to get phone signal to source another generator. To be fair, they sorted it pretty quickly. They'd got a make shift generator running and then another lorry turned up with whatever was needed to restore power. I had thought that would be the end of events... but turned out, that was only the start of the fun.

 

5. We went to the catering tent - and jeez, you have seen nothing like it on this planet... Curiously enough, despite the immense catering facilities, outside the marquee, there were two complete stoners (like, obviously stoned) cooking up some dubious looking meat in a dubious, patently unsafe oven, out in the open for all to see... with their rust bucket of a van parked next to them. Clearly there was something not quite right... so being a member of the band (which gives you the right to speak to folk, right?), I struck up a conversation. Turns out these chancers were cooking the meat for one of the main courses - which I seem to recall was something rare and oxen like. I asked them how they got the gig... and apparently, the client had been ringing around catering people to see if anybody knew how to cook this thing. It would seem nobody else would go near it... but this pair told me that they had said "yes, do it all the time, no problem". I looked at him...  and he pre-empting me, he responded, "yes, we've never cooked it before, but I mean, how hard can it be?".

 

You could see and feel the tension between the catering crew and the stoners... who by the end of the night couldn't stand due to their alcohol consumption. Hilarious. From a bystanders point of view. And no, I didn't partake in the food. Come to think of it though, I can't actually recall eating anything. Probably had a bag of crisps in the van.

 

6. We'd all sound checked and was waiting in the house ready for "the call" after the speeches. It was delayed... and delayed... and delayed. The speeches hadn't even happened... so I went out to investigate. Turns out that the best man had told the groom not to marry the bride whilst waiting at the altar as she was only after his money. She clearly was... just after the money. He - socially awkward, dweeby, pretty ugly (trying not to be too unkind here) guy... her, super model looks but not the err... supporting pedigree shall we say. It was clear who her guests were and who the grooms were. Anyway, turns out, one of the brides friends had overheard this and told the bride. Naturally, the bride went off the hook at the groom shortly after the matrimonial vows had been exchanged. Unbeknown to us, the whole day was running late as the bride and groom had vanished and spent the day arguing in the grounds. The wedding breakfast had mostly gone ahead without the bride and groom being present.

 

7. Eventually, about 11 o'clock (that's PM), the speeches happened. There had been some cooling off by this point and the best man got up to do his speech. Lets just say, he started the speech with (and I paraphrase here), "it all started as an unlucky chance meeting on a gap year in Ghana where the "happy" couple met. He then proceeded to rip into the bride. The father of the bride then ripped the mic out of the best mans drunken hands and kicked him out of the marquee. Then started another half hour of chaos and guest awkwardness. The father of the groom came across to me and apologised and said he would still try and make the first dance go ahead.

 

8. The first dance. Probably the most memorable first dance I have ever had the (dis)pleasure of seeing. About quarter to midnight, the "nightclub" was revealed. Bride and groom were dragged onto the dance floor (literally) and told to dance as they were causing embarrassment. (I found this so funny - like the most embarrassing thing for the family at this point was the reluctance to have a first dance?! ). We played "You're Too Good To Be True". I remember this sequence of events like they were only yesterday -

 

a - band starts

b - bride and groom do nothing

c - singer prompts - "this is your time to shine x and y"

d - nothing

e - father of groom appears with a sword

f - groom puts his hands awkwardly on brides hips

g - bride removes grooms hands from her hips

h - bride is standing there, groom is dancing in front of her like an awkward Alan Partridge.

i - father of groom gives sword to groom

j - father of groom whispers in groom ear

k - groom jabs heart pinata with sword

l - confetti falls on the happy couple, causing the bride to roll her eyes and storm off stage

m - we finished song with groom just quivering in the middle of the dancefloor, the guests having remained absolutely quiet and motionless (even whilst the band was doing the baa daa baa daa!! bit...)

n - the singer turns around and asks what we should do next, we just shrug - the dancefloor is now empty and some of the guests are dispersing

o - father of groom comes over to band and mimics the hand to the neck movement (cut it there)

p - he speaks to me - "you're only contracted to midnight and I dont think anybody is in the mood for music anyway"

q - we start packing up at about 5 minutes to midnight in absolute silence. No music, no talking, nobody in the marquee was talking. I don't think the band spoke to each other until we were all back in the van.

r - father of groom gives me an envelope "for our troubles". (I should have mentioned we had already been paid up front anyway... so I think this was embarrassment money)

s- we drive out the venue, having packed up, past the bride and groom who were arguing at the gate which was at the perimeter of the field we were in. We wound down the window and thanked them before wishing them a very happy life together.

 

So yeah. that was a memorable one. I've never been paid so much for 4 minutes of playing. (If you are wondering, my rate that night for playing was £150/minute)

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by EBS_freak
taken ebay link out and replaced with image so it doesn't go stale... and tried to make my hurried typing more readable.

[Velarian]

Awesome tale 😂😂😂

[40hz]

15 minutes ago, EBS_freak said:

OK. Gap Year. Stick with it. It's good.

 

This was a memorable gig for all the most cringe reasons.

 

So this was down in Cornwall on a massive private estate in the middle of nowhere. It turned out to be for the wedding of the son of a Lord (I won't divulge names as he's quite trackable). This wedding was memorable for a number of reasons.

 

1. We were asked to get changed in the servants quarters in the house. Tarquin will let us in and show us to the room where we can get changed. Yes - "Tarquin. Philippino bloke... but awfully nice. He'll show you the way." I don't think Tarquin was Tarquin's real name - and I dont know why a he would be anything but awfully nice... but there you go.

 

2. In the toilets was a tin box on top of the back of the toilet cistern. It was inscribed with William and Cathrine. After some keen googling, I found out that it was a cake tin from the Royal Wedding. For anybody interested, it looked like this - https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/274825478521?_trkparms=amclksrc%3DITM%26aid%3D1110006%26algo%3DHOMESPLICE.SIM%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D20201210111314%26meid%3D940aaf5627574089aabca85a5d753386%26pid%3D101195%26rk%3D2%26rkt%3D12%26sd%3D294442615048%26itm%3D274825478521%26pmt%3D1%26noa%3D0%26pg%3D2047675%26algv%3DSimplAMLv9PairwiseWebMskuAspectsV202110NoVariantSeed&_trksid=p2047675.c101195.m1851&amdata=cksum%3A274825478521940aaf5627574089aabca85a5d753386|enc%3AAQAGAAACEBH70Mtqredqse2wF7yOmjscgBLCuGNfeprQiJsmddbIYaRhnaQJfe2EVnrjDsCbFkbPQyNfRC9v90IXOjAy14R%2FusAFA7Rwqc3B2wsTobfdwvOpIpOT5O%2BsDvnvOv4ng4ZJNSVAfHV6T0VqVg11AtXPLvQIuT%2BqGsekiQ99UaZKVghDjcl81fdbYU8yft%2FWTxmW8NVS9Sg1ki%2FntKfdzLhDl%2FDgzFm14bOg%2B%2Fq32N8ctwn89JSIi64a5sLsB9usVv0GKof3c%2BDJFjWWFIudjutvrzIwU11EUnzMfQHWAACOl3ulXTSEm5plVscFaMNAj5eOsf8YG1xYC53qkzq4IwDThm1HZwtPYPdSfGBejSHJpip7jIWQCzYW0puThKEhB9msFbZ7wGTx%2BQEI0nzt58IcXYCpi3vPpKvwMvNCU9NJoWFCUnQVmyxwReHhKuGR762iB5N6rL035swyWg5sH4e7prtiY%2BrgE%2BrvBg5%2FFrTkTmrYWDjcaLNNhnZCeCuWNAlVR7r5bvvya52sZhSFC6qxtVrVknSt4uI%2FPYKOcbU6aolYINjuf9vQblNwqFx%2BdSLROasigyydqPXx87%2BsTXckJxkHeOxpKoVS8HDzeQKvQCFmNc14C8otYcsoyz0TmWUdQx9YKFiX1dZGKcf7r79oTNSOWwEPFcvpzukSBmWwRN%2FT3pPQVAx%2BDhRopYoo4w%3D%3D|ampid%3APL_CLK|clp%3A2047675

 

3. We went through the hallway and the place was full of the family with their more famous family members... including one who probably wasn't sweating in the photograph. As the evening progressed, we realised that we were in the company of some quite notable people... and our "warm up" act would appear to be somebody of pop royalty (I'm shocked that they didn't just get her band to play). Anyway, that's a story for another day... Carrying on...

 

4. The marquee was built onto a hillside - a platform had been built on stilts to have the marquee on the level - but give the infinity views out the side of the marquee. This marquee was absolutely massive - with lounging area, separate bars, eating area, indoor fountains... just think of something completely over the top and multiply it by ten. The band area was a separate "surprise unveiling" - in that it looked like from the inside of the marquee, it was just the side of the marquee... but it then opened up into a.. err.. nightclub in a marquee. So this brings us to our first incident. We were running on a generator - presumably the same one that was powering the whole of the marquee. There was a lot to power - and probably of note was the huge chandelier and hanging illuminated pinata (but more on that later).

 

As we soundcheck, there was what I could only describe what felt and sounded like a bomb going off. The whole ground shook and the sound was just louder than anything I'd ever heard. Everything inside power wise, was dead. We went out to the generator was, and the top of the generator had blown clean off. Cue the electricians (whole team of them) trying to get signal to source another generator. To be fair, they sorted it pretty quickly. I thought that would be the end of events... but turned out, that was only the start of the fun.

 

5. We went to the catering tent - jeez, you have seen nothing like it on this planet... but curiously enough, outside there were two complete stoners (like, obviously stoned) cooking up some dubious looking meat in a dubious, clearly unsafe oven, out in the open... with their rust bucket of a van parked next to them. Clearly there was something not quite right... so being a member of the band, I struck up conversation. Turns out these chancers were cooking the meat - which I seem to recall was something rare and oxen like. I asked them how they got the gig... and apparently, the client had been ringing around catering people who knew how to cook this thing. It would seem nobody else would go near it... but this pair told me they said yes, do it all the time, no problem. I looked at him... "yes, we've never cooked it before, but I mean, how hard can it be?". You could see and feel the tension between the catering crew and the stoners... who by the end of the night couldn't stand due to their alcohol consumption.

 

6. We'd all sound checked and was waiting in the house ready for "the call" after the speeches. It was delayed... and delayed... and delayed. The speeches hadn't even happened... so I went out to investigate. Turns out, that the best man had told the groom not to marry the bride at the altar as she only after his money. She clearly was, just after the money. He - socially awkward, dweeby, pretty ugly (trying not to be too unkind here) guy... her, super model looks but not the err... supporting pedigree shall we say. It was clear who her guests were and who the grooms were. Anyway, turns out, one of the brides friends had overheard this and told the bride. Naturally, the bride went off the hook - but only after matrimonial vows had been exchanged. Unbeknown to us, the whole day was running late as the bride and groom had vanished and spent the day arguing in the grounds.

 

7. Eventually, about 11 o'clock, the speeches happened. There had been some cooling by this point and the best man got up to do his speech. Lets just say, he started the speech with, it all started as an unlucky chance meeting on a gap year in Ghana that the "happy" couple met. He then proceeded to rip into the bride. The father of the bride then ripped the mic out of the best mans drunken hands and kicked him out of the marquee. Then started another half hour of chaos and guest awkwardness. The father came across and apologised and said he would still try and make the first dance go ahead.

 

8. The first dance. Probably the most memorable first dance I have ever had the (dis)pleasure of seeing. About quarter to midnight, the "nightclub" was revealed. Bride and groom were dragged onto the dance floor (literally) and told to dance as they were causing embarrassment. (I found this so funny - like the most embarrassing thing for the family at this point was the reluctance to have a first dance?! ). We played "You're Too Good To Be True". I remember this sequence of events like they were only yesterday -

 

a - band starts

b - bride and groom do nothing

c - singer prompts - "this is your time to shine x and y"

d - nothing

e - father of groom appears with a sword

f - groom puts his hands awkwardly on brides hips

g - bride removes grooms hands from her hips

h - bride is standing there, groom is dancing in front of her like an awkward Alan Partridge.

i - father of groom gives sword to groom

j - father of groom whispers in groom ear

k - groom jabs heart pinata with sword

l - confetti falls on the happy couple, causing the bride to roll her eyes and storm off stage

m - we finished song with groom just quivering in the middle of the dancefloor, the guests absolutely motionless whilst the band is doing the baa daa baa daa!! bit...

n - song finishes and the singer asks what we should do next

o - father of groom comes over to band and mimics the hand to the neck movement (cut it there)

p - he speaks to me - "you're only contracted to midnight and I dont think anybody is in the mood for music anyway"

q - we start packing up at about 5 minutes to midnight in silence. I don't think the band spoke to each other until we were all back in the van.

r - father of groom gives me an envelope "for our troubles". (I should have mentioned we had already been paid up front anyway... so I think this was embarrassment money)

s- we drive out the venue, having packed up, past the bride and groom who were arguing at the gate. We wound down the window and thanked them before wishing them a very happy life together.

 

So yeah. that was a memorable one. I've never been paid so much for 4 minutes of playing. (If you are wondering, my rate that night for playing was £150/minute)

 

This is incredible. You win.

 

[EBS_freak]

Sorry if my posts are all a bit garbled as I just typed them out at speed whilst doing a brain dump. I'm going to have a look through my photos tonight to see if there's any gems that I've forgotten. I defo think Gap Year and the Stripper at the Red Lion are my favourite though. Weddings and birthdays always have far more drama than corporates!

 

Actually, just remembered another one... some b8stard thought it would be funny to handcuff a drunken groom to the drivers door handle of the bands van. Not cool when you are 200 miles from home and wanting your bed. (that prompted a change to our contract where we could seek compensation for interference/damage to band equipment, including vehicles).

Edited January 26, 2022 by EBS_freak

[Dan Dare]

 

1 hour ago, EBS_freak said:

Sorry if my posts are all a bit garbled as I just typed them out at speed whilst doing a brain dump

 

Great stories. You should write a book. I'd buy a copy.

 

[Phill]

4 Years ago. A nice tribute gig at a festival quite close to home. Arrived early & watched all of the bands on before us etc. Quickly drank my pint of Brains Smooth before setting up quickly on stage (quick turnaround) 

Started the first song, all good, then second. I felt myself start to slip behind the beat constantly & consistently a beat behind then 2 then 3. Started feeling a bit lightheaded too. Leant up against my amp to compose myself & felt myself slowly sliding down towards the floor. 

Next thing I find is a very large burly biker bloke physically carrying me under his arm outside to get some air. 

 

I'd been spiked. Absolutely terrifying & a not so nice feeling for about two days. Band sounded great from outside (minus the bass) I still go paid for the gig too  

[Dan Dare]

My main instrument for many years used to be the fiddle, which meant I was booked for a lot of folky jobs. Back in the day, medieval banquets were very popular. They were utterly inauthentic and formulaic - large quantities of iffy food and drink, an MC who dressed up like 'Enery the Eighth, singalongs, folky tunes and songs, plus various speciality acts/entertainers (strongmen, magicians, knights in armour who staged sword fights and so on) - all for a bargain basement price.

 

I played in a tourist trap near Tower Bridge for several years. Some of the entertainers were a source of great merriment. One guy in particular used to cover for several of the performers. He was a physical fitness fanatic who seemed to believe he was indestructible. His enthusiasm always got the better of what little common sense he had been born with. We used to wonder whether he took steroids – there was always a pungent smell, reminiscent of bulls and horses, about him. He came in one night as a dep. for the regular strongman, who used to hammer a nail through a plank and pull it out with his teeth.

 

He bounded onstage and hammered the nail through the plank in fine style. Bending down, he gripped it between his gnashers and straightened up with a flourish. There was a chorus of squeals from the audience as the nail stayed where it was and a couple of incisor teeth fell to the floor, to the accompaniment of a spurt of blood and a lot of curses from our hero.

 

Nothing daunted, he had them replaced with metal ones, which made him look a bit like Jaws. On another occasion, he stood in for the magician and managed to set himself alight whilst fire-eating. He ran about with his hair ablaze, beating himself about the head to try and put out the flames, until a barman appeared from behind the bar and put a fire blanket over him. Some of the punters stared in horror, while the rest, believing it to be intentional and part of a comedy turn, roared with laughter. Luckily (largely thanks to the barman's quick thinking) he was only mildly scorched. My mate the guitar player stared at the spectacle for a moment, an expression of utter disbelief on his face.

 

“Christ”, he declared. “What’s he going to do for an encore? Cut his d1ck off?”

 

I'll have a trawl through the diaries for some more.

Edited January 26, 2022 by Dan Dare

[Nail Soup]

1 hour ago, Dan Dare said:

Great stories. You should write a book. 

I want the TV series 👍

Edited January 26, 2022 by Nail Soup

[NJE]

I was playing with a 9 piece soul band about 10 years ago and we had what felt like a steady flow of drummers coming and going.

 

The band leader announces that he has a top local drummer who teaches coming to play with us, and I was excited at the prospect. Well my excitement quickly dwindled when he wouldn’t count the band in and it was left to me as joint lead singer. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I thought he might not be familiar with the material.

 

This carries on for a couple of rehearsals with the occasional quiet “how does this one go” from said drummer, who clearly had not listened to or learnt the songs, relying on me to not only count in but also tell him when to stop.

 

Before I have a proper opportunity to raise it with Band leader a gig is booked and I am told “don’t worry it will be alright”.  Now we played some very well known soul/Motown songs and some disco stuff like Chic so not a ‘proper’ soul band, but our absolute Feck-Witt of a guitarist had managed to wangle us a gig at a venue saying we were the counties best ‘Northern’ soul band when I’m fact we probably only played 2-3 Northern soul tunes.

 

I was furious that he had lied and also told the owner/promoter that we had a following because we really didn’t. I had this bad feeling that we would end up playing two northern soul tracks all night like that scene from the Blues Brothers in the country bar!

 

So we get there and there are some northern soul fans looking quite excited, and we get going with a few easy well know tunes and then launch into a thumper of a northern soul tune. I count the drummer in and he plays completely the wrong beat and and tempo for the song but in the spirit of keeping going I adjust my playing and we carry on with brass and everything until we are going so fast I can’t get the lyrics out fast enough.

 

At that point I stop the whole band, lean over and have a word to the drummer “do you know the song? The beat is like this” (I tap it out in my leg for him at the correct tempo). He says “sorry, yeah I’ve got it” so we start again after making light of it with the audience.

1, 2, 3, 4….he does the same thing, he just didn’t have a flipping clue so I lean over whilst playing to get him to adjust but it’s no good, I have to stop the band again.

 

Meanwhile my good friend, who is also a drummer is on the desk for us, is dying with laughter and trying his very best not to make a noise at the end of the venue as he’s heaving and crying with laugher so badly at the whole situation.

 

This happens a couple more times but we manage to get through it and intake the hard songs out of the set, but the whole time we are playing I can just hear people complaining louder and louder “this isn’t f*+king Northern Soul” and getting less involved and start leaving.

 

We get to the end of the gig and you have never seen a band get out of a room so fast, leaving me there to collect the money from the owner. In the meantime a large number of teenagers tune up to the proper main event which is a club night and it gets darker and louder. Knackered but wanting to get paid I hang around asking bar staff where the manager is. “He’s a bit p*ssed off but he will be back soon” comes one reply….oh balls!

 

After and hour and a half I spot him and I get pulled into the office, where he politely but sternly quizzes me over why we claimed to be the counties best Northern Soul band and why should he pay us. I was not in the frame of mind to be quick witted or clever so as I disliked the guitarist immensely I just said I was sorry and laid all the blame on the guitarist and that he had taken the rest of us for a ride and I though he was a pr*ck.

 

It worked, he paid me, laughed and sent me on my way, but never before, or since have I wanted there to be a sniper at the back of a room to put me out of my misery whilst on stage.

Edited January 26, 2022 by NJE

[Velarian]

I've just remembered another story which happened to my mate's band. Before I get in to the detail, I should just preface the story by saying that this event occurred prior to the much stricter firearms controls that were introduced in the 90s.

 

After I'd quit gigging I often helped out with my mate's band with the sound on some gigs and, like many bands, there was always a few hangers on who ingratiated themselves and tagged along to gigs. They were always tolerated because it was useful to have extra hands to lug equipment about. In this particular case a lad starting coming to gigs and, as it later turned out, he was a bit of a nutter. It wasn't the gig itself that was the train wreck but the aftermath was. This lad was ex-forces and thought it was a bit macho to carry around a blank-firing pistol that looked pretty authentic. He suggested to the band that it might make a great finale to the gig if he came through the crowd at the end of last song and pretended to shoot at the band! With hindsight they foolishly agreed and sure enough, at the end of the gig this is what  happened. He let off a few blanks and the band collapsed on the stage with guitars ending in a cacophony. It had the desired effect and it was pretty shocking.

 

What nobody had realised was that a week or so before, in the same town someone had actually walked in to a bar and let off a couple of barrels of a shotgun so, needless to say, there was extra sensitivity about this issue. What also didn't help was that after the gig, when the van was being loaded up this idiot also let off a couple of blanks in the car park of the venue.

 

When we ready to leave my mate said that the venue had asked him to hang on for half an hour whilst they cashed up so that they could be paid. So instead, we piled in to the van and went off to find something to eat. When we arrived back at the venue to collect payment, there were police vehicles everywhere. There were floodlights erected in the car park and a line of police officers on their hands and knees looking for spent cartridges. Needless to say we were all detained and taken off to the local nick. It was quickly established who the main culprit was and he was taken away for questioning. There were around 8 or 9 of us left sitting on the floor making the custody suite look untidy. Looking back I think the Police were remarkably easy going with us and it didn't feel very serious. They even made us a cup of tea but when we'd finished one of the lads put his cup on the floor and pushed it away with his foot - it fell over and broke, which was really embarrassing but it still didn't elicit any adverse response. After a couple of hours of questioning the lad managed to convince them that it was just an ill-advised prank. He received a warning and we were allowed to leave without any further action. We were then escorted to the county border by a couple of police cars complete with blue lights!

 

We breathed a sigh of relief 😳

Edited January 26, 2022 by Velarian

[Bunion]

On 25/01/2022 at 19:51, Skin Lewis said:

Back in 1981, when I was doing backline for a new wave band, we were in a small cinema gig in Verona, Italy. Us four crew had done the set up, all ready for the band to arrive for soundcheck. At this point, two things happened:

Firstly, the band, who had been arguing for weeks, finally descended into all out violence and started a serious fight in the hotel foyer. Blood was spilled, police were involved, arrests were made.

Simultaneously, 2 miles away a fire started behind the stage at the venue, which very rapidly spread, and the four of us crew just got out of the building before it was engulfed in flames and burnt to the ground, including PA, backline, lights, the lot. The next day I shovelled the charred remains of the gear into the ten tonner and headed home. At Dover, UK customs wanted to check the gear against the carnet, which was interesting to say the least.

I’m sure “smoke on the water” happened in Switzerland alas you were just 10 years to late…