Those 'train wreck' moments

[Rich]

2 hours ago, TimR said:

And everyone has played that wedding where no matter what tunes you play, no one dances and they just all stare at the band and clap after each song...

 

Haven't they?

 

With the only 3 people on the dancfloor two toddlers and a teenage boy racing up and down and skidding on his knees.

 

1 hour ago, mowf said:

Yep, until about the second to last number when they all decide now's a good time to start dancing.

And start yelling for more after your last song.

Followed of course by the grimly inevitable "Can my boyfriend/brother/uncle/mate have a go on your guitar? He's dead good, he used to play with the Drifters".

[EBS_freak]

10 minutes ago, Rich said:

He's dead good, he used to play with the Drifters".

Im dead. lol

[Nail Soup]

Not a gig, but related.

 

I had a solo open mic spot about 8 years ago. I felt I hadn't practised the vocals at full volume enough (I can't do it much at home) so decided I would stop off in the car park of a disused sports centre in Luton and have a run through in the car.

 

So I parked up, got the acoustic out of the boot and got in the back seat.

I played though the songs a few times, when I became aware that there was now a police car parked on the other side of the car park… and that they seemed to be observing me.

I carried on, thinking best to act innocent. The male officer started to walk over . I carried on playing.

He had a real serious look on his face until he got a few feet from the car, then he started kind-of laughing.

He was laughing  because he could see the guitar. It transpired that up to now they could only see the movement of my strumming arm, and thought I was entertaining myself in quite a different way.

 

I'm assuming they had some kind of tip-off as it would be too much co-incidence otherwise.

 

Anyway I did the open mic… went pretty well and I had a good "Something funny happened on my way here" anecdote to tell.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Nail Soup
typo

[ubit]

We played at a guys 40th birthday party once. We went down a storm and he later asked if we would play at his wedding. we agreed and when we arrived it was a massive marquee set up in a field. Trouble is it wasn't actually that good a marquee. It was very, very windy and parts of this marquee were flapping around vigorously knocking into our gear and causing mayhem. We started playing and mid way through the first song this guy came up to me and started talking to me. I am the bass player and singer so  tried to give him the cold shoulder. He persisted and when we finally finished I asked "what is it?" "Play Scottish traditional music." "We do that" I said but later. "No, do it now." I argued that we had been hired on the strength of our varied set. Every time we played a song he would be up again. Absolutely no one was dancing so we relented and played a couple of traditional songs. Still hardly anyone would get up. We took a break and found the groom and complained about this annoying jerk. Turns out he was the best man. We tried again and still he was pestering us. Finally we had to allow him to stick on a cd of Scottish dirges where himself and a couple of his gang got up and did their thing.

It was a horrible evening what with the flaps knocking everything over and this idiot ruining our set. We did get paid but it just shows you, you need to enjoy playing as well. How anyone enjoyed that wedding dance I have no idea. If it had been half of the crowd that was at his 40th it would have been a great night.

[EBS_freak]

Then there's those annoying jerks that want to play soundman.

 

OK, it's a given that sound check somebody will say, "that's too loud, you'll have to turn down", but the most memorable incident was when playing in a converted church, the "self appointed expert" came up to me and suggested I was running too much reverb on the desk.

 

Everybody here will already know that the desk had zip reverb on... and yet, there that clown was, keeping going on and on about the excessive reverb that I had apparently applied on the desk.

 

Mind you, perhaps I should have listened, after all, he did sound for The Drifters*

 

 

* I actually know the sound guy for The Drifters. He's a good egg. I only added that comment for comedic effect.

Edited January 28, 2022 by EBS_freak

[Dood]

1 hour ago, mcnach said:

 

Not quite the same but... I once, erm, I mean I know someone who once forgot his drummer's snare.

 

This was only realised when setting up in Inverness, and we drove from Edinburgh. Oh how I laughed.

Fortunately the sound guy knew someone drinking downstairs at the bar who was a drummer. He kindly offered us his snare... only trouble is he stayed about 15 miles away and you can't go too fast on those little roads. We managed with plenty of time to spare, but it was a bit more stressful than I like.

 

Drummer never left anything with me again

 

 

Oh mate!

We did the same with a box of cymbals once! We were in Braintree and the cymbals were left in Norwich. I zoomed back towards the drummer's home and his dad jumped in his van and met us half way. When we arrived back at the gig we both walked straight on stage, no sound check and zoomed straight in to the first set. I was playing guitar at the time, so the other guitarist set up my gear for me. Can't comment on the drums but there was lots of one-handed metal drumming going on at points in the first set!

[Dood]

"Mmmmmpfrrrfmph. Mmmrr, Fmmr Hermpf Rfffff Ommm Hrffffh!"

 

"I can't hear you whilst I am playing with IEMs in"

 

"Mmmmmpfrrrfmph. Mmmrr, Fmmr Hermpf Rfffff Ommm HHRRFFRF!"

 

"Look, I can't hear you, I'm busy playing and I have these in"

 

"MMMMMHFRRFF MFRRHHRRRMMMFFF!!!!!"

 

"Ask me later!"

 

"Mmmmmpfrrrfmph. Mmmrr, Fmmr Hermpf Rfffff Ommm Hrffffh!"

 

"FFS, ask me later"

 

and still they don't get the message!

 

[JonesTheCat]

Superb thread this.

 

 

Can't really compete with anything here but the story that always gets wheeled out is from an open mic, was the first time me and my singer/guitarist mate had played in front of people just the two of us. I'd invited a girl who I was seeing to come watch us, who worked just up the road. Me and the singer had been drinking all night to psyche ourselves up (on a Tuesday night no less) and by the time we went up we were past the point of no return. We played with a drummer who just happened to be there, we were both out of tune and out of time and I decided to spend the whole set staring directly at him. By the time we'd done our three songs (I think we were playing Oasis covers too!) we'd basically cleared the room of everyone. 

 

It was a formative moment, we're still playing together now! Relationship didn't last much longer though.

[Rich]

53 minutes ago, ubit said:

flaps knocking everything over
 

 

Hold on, I thought we'd already had the stripper story?

[Dom in Dorset]

Long long ago...I played bass clarinet and bagpipes in a weird folk band, all unusual instruments, bagpipes , hurdy gurgy, bouzouki etc.

We had a gig  Hartlepool (we were based in Somerset And Sussex) . The week before our hurdy player had to drop out due to a bereavement in the family. I drafted my brother in(Also playing bouzouki) and sent him a CD to learn our set , he had three days 

My brother lives in Yorkshire so the idea was to meet at his place the night before and go on to Hartlepool the next day. In stead of running through the set that night we set about demolishing a barrel of my brother's home brew....

We arrive in Hartlepool with raging hangovers under leaden skys and sideways rain. The stage was a artic flat bed done up like a castle in a car park that was more puddle than tarmac. The sound guys told us to weight in a nearby pub and unless the rain stopped we wouldn't be playing.

We sat feeling damp and miserable enjoying a hair of the dog confident that at least we wouldn't have to play our unrehearsed set on cold out of tune instruments to an empty car park.

Two minutes before the start time the sound man comes in and says "it's stopped raining , you're on!" 

We trudged out and set up , the sort of instruments we used were tricky enough to keep in tune but straight out of the case into cold damp air wasn't going to help.

We started our set...we were rough. There were quite literally two men and a dog watching. They left half way through our first number. We played the remainder of the set to a wet car park.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Dom in Dorset

[Huge Hands]

Years ago, in the early 90s, as a teenage drummer still at school in my older brother's band (everyone else was 18-28), we got a gig in Hartlepool Hospital, playing in a bar they had on site for doctors and nurses.  If I remember correctly, it was a school night (a Thursday I think).

 

We borrowed a Sherpa van from someone, drove down from Gateshead and set up.  We played two sets through (Commitments type stuff as it was around the time of the film).  The bar was packed but no one so much as looked up or acknowledged we were there.

 

There was a buffet, then bingo being done by a cheesy DJ.  We decided to at least have some of their food and pack up after the Bingo as otherwise we would have to load out in front of it all and we were already deflated that no one seemed to like us.

 

As the bingo finished, the DJ said "Did you like the band?"---"Yeah!"----"Do you want to hear them again?"----"Yeah".    

 

We went back on and played the exact same two sets again to exactly the same crowd.  This time they were singing, dancing and we went down a storm.  I think, instead of the expected 11pm, I got home about 3am!

 

That night taught me that bingo, s**t buffet food and drinking a pub dry of alcohol can make all the difference to a gig crowd....

 

My other big memory of that freezing cold night was that god awful Sherpa van, having to sit in the middle seat with my legs in the passenger footwell, while the bass player had his feet on the dash.  (He was a serving police officer at the time!) 

[Dan Dare]

I've told this in another thread before on here, but it fits well in this one, so apologies.

 

When I played the fiddle, I used to do a lot of ceilidhs and barn dances. One night, I was booked as part of the band for a Burns supper. It was quite a smart affair - chaps in DJs and kilts, ladies in ball gowns, etc. The usual format for such occasions is that the band provides background music during dinner and then plays for dancing.

 

It's a tradition at a Burns Supper that the haggis is brought into the dining room at the start of the dinner itself, accompanied by a bagpiper. It is placed on the top table and the MC recites Burns's Ode to a Haggis.

 

Bagpipers are very busy on Burns night and good ones are not to be found on every street corner. As a result, they can play many jobs during the evening. They go to a venue, pipe in the haggis, collect their money, accept a dram or two and head off to the next one.

 

It was obvious, when the piper arrived, that he had done quite a few jobs already that night and had accepted a generous dram at every one of them. He was plastered. However, he was still able to walk in a straight line and play, so all was good. The chef carried the the haggis into the room on a silver salver, accompanied by the piper. The procession made its way to the stage, where the haggis was placed on a table placed at the front of it. The MC stepped forward and began his recitation, whilst the piper stood to one side, playing and marking time on the spot.

 

The effort of blowing into the instrument, combined with the skin full he had imbibed, caused the piper to lose control of his bowels for a moment. As he was wearing his kilt in the traditional manner, there was nothing to catch the product of his lapse, which  plopped down on the stage between his feet. This wouldn't have been so bad - the height of the stage made it unlikely that anyone could see the offending item. However, whilst marching on the spot, he stepped in it and  slipped. His boot flew up, propelling bits of it into the audience.

 

The band hastily vacated the stage and howled with laughter in the dressing room. The piper was ejected and the mess was cleared up, but the evening never really recovered.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Dan Dare

[Velarian]

17 minutes ago, Dan Dare said:

“there was nothing to catch the product of his lapse”

Proper laugh out loud moment there 😂😂😂

[ubit]

2 hours ago, Rich said:

 

And start yelling for more after your last song.

Followed of course by the grimly inevitable "Can my boyfriend/brother/uncle/mate have a go on your guitar? He's dead good, he used to play with the Drifters".

 

 

We played a gig at out local golf club. It was a struggle to get people up all night but towards the end they started to get drunk and got up and danced. We took note of the songs they danced to, as if we didn't know anyway and the next party we played we took the risky chance of playing these songs early. No one got up until near the end when, as usual, they got drunker and started to enjoy themselves. I was talking to a guy afterwards who had been at both parties and commented on what a hard evening it was. "Oh, it was better later when you started playing songs people could dance to" I was aghast.

 

It doesn't help when the venue insists on keeping lights on. No one wants to get up and make a tit of themselves sober when they are in full view of the audience.

[ubit]

We were booked to play a gig on the Isle of Mull. A large group of students was coming and it was going to be a great night. We arrived and the place was heaving. The owner had made a huge pot of chilli for the students and they were bevvying and scoffing away whilst we struggled to move our gear through them and set up on the stage. We just got finished and thought let's grab a pint before starting. no sooner had we set up and got ready to go and the students all up and left. We ended up playing to half a dozen locals. The owner was not a happy man. Talk about selfish and  ungrateful students.

 

Come to think of it, every time we played in that pub something was on somewhere else. We were always having to compete with a 21st or Skerryvore playing in the hall or some other event that everyone would rather go to than down the pub to see a rock band.

Edited January 28, 2022 by ubit

[Crusoe]

Has anyone else noticed how many of these stories start "I was in a band with an alcoholic drummer..."?

[MacDaddy]

5 minutes ago, Crusoe said:

Has anyone else noticed how many of these stories start "I was in a band with an alcoholic drummer..."?

 

No great night started with a salad.

[Boodang]

7 minutes ago, MacDaddy said:

 

No great night started with a salad.

Well that's a challenge! Next event I think we'll start with a salad before moving onto the booze. If it's a good evening I'll put it down to the greenery and if it's not I'll blame it on too much alcohol. 

[Huge Hands]

 

7 minutes ago, Boodang said:

Well that's a challenge! Next event I think we'll start with a salad before moving onto the booze. If it's a good evening I'll put it down to the greenery and if it's not I'll blame it on too much alcohol. 

 Funnily enough my brother is a heavy drinker and occasionally used to "sleep-wee" in his bedroom, in his wardrobe, on the stairs etc after a skinful.  After a few of these instances, we reckoned it always seemed to be on the nights where he'd had salad for dinner before going out.

[Velarian]

2 hours ago, Crusoe said:

Has anyone else noticed how many of these stories start "I was in a band with an alcoholic drummer..."?

There is some truth in this. One drummer I knew used to joke that he had too much blood in his alcohol stream. Sadly he passed away a few weeks ago. It takes its toll eventually. 😕

[Newfoundfreedom]

8 hours ago, EBS_freak said:

 

Reading the words "The Drifters" automatically made me laugh.

 

Round my neck of the woods, singing or playing in "The Drifters" has become a bit of long standing joke - or even a rite of passage. So long story short, there are no original Drifters left, none of the singers or musicians involved with "The Drifters" have anything linking them to the original band. It's just a name owned by a group that is throwing musicians together and touting them as "The Drifters" or the "The Official Drifters". If you find any predominantly midlands based musician, likelihood they have in their credits, played with "The Drifters". In reality is a theatre tribute show.

 

I remember auditioning somebody for a band at the time who was obviously quite proud of this achievement... to which I replied, "Crumbs, it's harder to find somebody who hasn't played for The Drifters nowadays". Lets just say, management had an interesting management style and she sacked people as quick as she hired them. And I loves that fact that on the talkback mic, there was the MD on stage... and her from the back of the theatre shouting at everybody on stage.

 

So yeah, "F#ck the Drifters". Absolute farce.

 

Check out the wiki page - members and litigation paragraphs are probably the ones to focus on.

 

Absolutely! Hence why I couldn't remember the blokes name. He was probably part of the band for about a fortnight and been living on the glory ever since. But as a new band it was still quite intimidating at the time. 

[ubit]

17 hours ago, EBS_freak said:

Then there's those annoying jerks that want to play soundman.

 

OK, it's a given that sound check somebody will say, "that's too loud, you'll have to turn down", but the most memorable incident was when playing in a converted a church, the "self appointed expert" came up to me and suggested I was running too much reverb on the desk.

 

We have had that so many times. I get annoyed because I would never dream of doing that to a band unless specifically asked.

 

I remember one night being in the pub with Mrs Ubit and another local band were sound checking. One of them asked how does it sound? 

The keyboards are too loud I replied. The guitarist said I can't hear them and so they continued without heeding my advice from the audience and the keyboards drowned out everything else in their whole set, or at least as much as I could stand before leaving.

[EBS_freak]

5 hours ago, ubit said:

 

We have had that so many times. I get annoyed because I would never dream of doing that to a band unless specifically asked.

 

I remember one night being in the pub with Mrs Ubit and another local band were sound checking. One of them asked how does it sound? 

The keyboards are too loud I replied. The guitarist said I can't hear them and so they continued without heeding my advice from the audience and the keyboards drowned out everything else in their whole set, or at least as much as I could stand before leaving.

That is clearly fishing for compliments.

The guy asking how it sounds doesn’t care for your opinion or want to make use of somebody that could help better their sound, they are just looking for that ego boosting affirmation of “yeah, that sounds amazing. Best band I’ve ever heard. You guys should go on the X Factor”

 

PS - if you find yourself in this situation and it’s clear that they are arrogant enough to not take on board anything you say…  Always throw in the X Factor bit. It’s highly insulting to any pro musician and helps to cement the message of letting them know that you know exactly why they are asking you.

Edited January 28, 2022 by EBS_freak

[Raymondo]

On 26/01/2022 at 16:45, EBS_freak said:

OK. Gap Year. Stick with it. It's good.

 

This was a memorable gig for all the most cringe reasons.

 

So this was down in Cornwall on a massive private estate in the middle of nowhere. It turned out to be for the wedding of the son of a Lord (I won't divulge names as he's quite trackable). This wedding was memorable for a number of reasons.

 

1. We were asked to get changed in the servants quarters in the house. Tarquin will let us in and show us to the room where we can get changed. Yes - "Tarquin. Philippino bloke... but awfully nice. He'll show you the way." I don't think Tarquin was Tarquin's real name - and I dont know why a he would be anything but awfully nice... but there you go.

 

2. In the toilets was a tin box on top of the back of the toilet cistern. It was inscribed with William and Cathrine. After some keen googling, I found out that it was a cake tin from the Royal Wedding. For anybody interested, it looked like this:

 

Link to cake

 

3. We went through the hallway and the place was full of the family with their more famous family members... including one who probably wasn't sweating in the photograph. As the evening progressed, we realised that we were in the company of some quite notable people... and our "warm up" act would appear to be somebody of pop royalty (I'm shocked that they didn't just get her band to play). Anyway, that's a story for another day... Carrying on...

 

4. The marquee was built onto a hillside - a platform had been built on stilts to have the marquee on the level - but give the infinity views out the side of the marquee. This marquee was absolutely massive - with lounging area, separate bars, eating area, indoor fountains... just think of something completely over the top and multiply it by ten. The band area was a separate "surprise unveiling" - in that it looked like from the inside of the marquee, it was just the side of the marquee... but it then opened up into a.. err.. nightclub in a marquee. So this brings us to our first incident. We were running on a generator - presumably the same one that was powering the whole of the marquee. There was a lot to power - and probably of note was the huge chandelier and hanging illuminated pinata (but more on that later).

 

As we soundcheck, there was what I could only describe what felt and sounded like a bomb going off. The whole ground shook and the sound was just louder than anything I'd ever heard. Everything inside power wise, was dead. We went out to the generator was, and the top of the generator had blown clean off. Cue the electricians (whole team of them) trying to get signal to source another generator. To be fair, they sorted it pretty quickly. I thought that would be the end of events... but turned out, that was only the start of the fun.

 

5. We went to the catering tent - jeez, you have seen nothing like it on this planet... but curiously enough, outside there were two complete stoners (like, obviously stoned) cooking up some dubious looking meat in a dubious, clearly unsafe oven, out in the open... with their rust bucket of a van parked next to them. Clearly there was something not quite right... so being a member of the band, I struck up conversation. Turns out these chancers were cooking the meat - which I seem to recall was something rare and oxen like. I asked them how they got the gig... and apparently, the client had been ringing around catering people who knew how to cook this thing. It would seem nobody else would go near it... but this pair told me they said yes, do it all the time, no problem. I looked at him... "yes, we've never cooked it before, but I mean, how hard can it be?". You could see and feel the tension between the catering crew and the stoners... who by the end of the night couldn't stand due to their alcohol consumption.

 

6. We'd all sound checked and was waiting in the house ready for "the call" after the speeches. It was delayed... and delayed... and delayed. The speeches hadn't even happened... so I went out to investigate. Turns out, that the best man had told the groom not to marry the bride at the altar as she only after his money. She clearly was, just after the money. He - socially awkward, dweeby, pretty ugly (trying not to be too unkind here) guy... her, super model looks but not the err... supporting pedigree shall we say. It was clear who her guests were and who the grooms were. Anyway, turns out, one of the brides friends had overheard this and told the bride. Naturally, the bride went off the hook - but only after matrimonial vows had been exchanged. Unbeknown to us, the whole day was running late as the bride and groom had vanished and spent the day arguing in the grounds.

 

7. Eventually, about 11 o'clock, the speeches happened. There had been some cooling by this point and the best man got up to do his speech. Lets just say, he started the speech with, it all started as an unlucky chance meeting on a gap year in Ghana that the "happy" couple met. He then proceeded to rip into the bride. The father of the bride then ripped the mic out of the best mans drunken hands and kicked him out of the marquee. Then started another half hour of chaos and guest awkwardness. The father came across and apologised and said he would still try and make the first dance go ahead.

 

8. The first dance. Probably the most memorable first dance I have ever had the (dis)pleasure of seeing. About quarter to midnight, the "nightclub" was revealed. Bride and groom were dragged onto the dance floor (literally) and told to dance as they were causing embarrassment. (I found this so funny - like the most embarrassing thing for the family at this point was the reluctance to have a first dance?! ). We played "You're Too Good To Be True". I remember this sequence of events like they were only yesterday -

 

a - band starts

b - bride and groom do nothing

c - singer prompts - "this is your time to shine x and y"

d - nothing

e - father of groom appears with a sword

f - groom puts his hands awkwardly on brides hips

g - bride removes grooms hands from her hips

h - bride is standing there, groom is dancing in front of her like an awkward Alan Partridge.

i - father of groom gives sword to groom

j - father of groom whispers in groom ear

k - groom jabs heart pinata with sword

l - confetti falls on the happy couple, causing the bride to roll her eyes and storm off stage

m - we finished song with groom just quivering in the middle of the dancefloor, the guests absolutely motionless whilst the band is doing the baa daa baa daa!! bit...

n - song finishes and the singer asks what we should do next

o - father of groom comes over to band and mimics the hand to the neck movement (cut it there)

p - he speaks to me - "you're only contracted to midnight and I dont think anybody is in the mood for music anyway"

q - we start packing up at about 5 minutes to midnight in silence. I don't think the band spoke to each other until we were all back in the van.

r - father of groom gives me an envelope "for our troubles". (I should have mentioned we had already been paid up front anyway... so I think this was embarrassment money)

s- we drive out the venue, having packed up, past the bride and groom who were arguing at the gate. We wound down the window and thanked them before wishing them a very happy life together.

 

So yeah. that was a memorable one. I've never been paid so much for 4 minutes of playing. (If you are wondering, my rate that night for playing was £150/minute)

 

 

Yes ,yes, all well and good but the important thing is...

 

 

Are they still together?

 

[casapete]

20 hours ago, BigRedX said:

Snow appears to be much less of a problem these days than it was in the 80s and 90s. I've done two in the last 10 years in conditions much worse than the one described above - and much further afield - but both were well attended and we had no problem getting to and from the gig (although we did have to clear almost 6 inches of snow off the band van at the one in Liverpool before we could drive home).

You’re right with the snow thing, rarely a problem these last few years.

 

In the early 2000’s the 8 piece function band I was in used to get a fair few gigs up in the Aberdeen area ( we were from Yorkshire). These were corporate gigs, usually for oil companies and paid very well, making the journey worthwhile for us. On one occasion snow was potentially a problem so we contacted the booker who confirmed the gig was still on and then set off on the 8 hour journey, me driving our LWB Transit with the keys player and all our gear in and the rest of the band in a hired MPV. There was a hold up with the MPV being picked up, but I still left early just in case of weather problems. It started snowing quite a lot the further north we got, and once past Dundee on the A90 it was coming down very heavily. About 10 miles from Aberdeen, the phone rang and the keys player answered it - the gig was cancelled as Aberdeen airport had shut and the punters were mainly flying in, so I just turned round and drove home, a round trip of roughly 900 miles! ( The band MPV hadn’t got so far as us, so they got off more lightly ).