MacDaddy Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 Stolen from the Facebook hence the dodgy formatting: HOW TO REQUEST A SONG FROM THE BAND When requesting a song from the band, just say “Play my song.” We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we say we really don’t remember that tune you want, we’re only kidding. Bands do know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be… it helps jog the memory, or just repeat your request over and over again. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band, any words will do. It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, “AW, COME ON!” and “YOU SUCK!” Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger up. Put- downs are the best way to jog a band’s memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of “Personal Friend of the Band.” You can bet your request will be the next song we play. Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepared for their shows. We simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what we will do once we arrive. We don’t actually make set lists or rehearse songs, we mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then fake it. An entertainer’s job is easy, even a monkey could do it, so don’t let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters. Once you’ve figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your requests from a totally different genre, the more exaggerated the better. If it’s a blues band playing, yell for some Metallica, Black Sabbath or Motley Crue. If it’s a death-speed metal band be sure to request Brown Eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead. We musicians constantly need to broaden our horizons and it’s your job to see that it happens… immediately. TALKING WITH THE BAND The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. And we can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don’t worry that we’re in the middle of the chorus. Musicians are expert lip-readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it’s because they didn’t get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream out your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don’t be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn’t answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it’s because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this. IMPORTANT TIP When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they can’t pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don’t give up, hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often unavailable for this fun game since they usually sit at the back, protected by their drum kits. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their instruments. Though difficult to get them to play, it’s not impossible, so keep trying. They’re especially vulnerable during the break between songs. HELPING THE BAND If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. If you’re too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean on one of the band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you see. Just pretend you’re in a karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in the fun. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies or a tambourine played on one and three and out of tempo. Try the cowbell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment. Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely props, they don’t really amplify your voice, so when you grab the mic out of the singer’s hand, be sure to scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise nobody will hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is over-rated anyhow. The crowd and the sound tech will love you for it. BONUS TIP As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the knowledge you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you the following day to offer you a position 6 1 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris_b Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 We used to play a particularly nice pub near Reading, which was somehow full of the scummiest people you could imagine. They had every last detail mentioned in this post off pat. Including the guy who stood in front of the singer and pulled his pants down (his, not the singer's) to display his massive pink torpedo! Some sort of weird local mating ritual or just boasting? Our singer was an ugly 60 year old bloke, so we were never sure what his objective was!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Franticsmurf Posted September 2, 2022 Share Posted September 2, 2022 How many times have I been put to shame by a singer coming on stage to help me out with my backing vocals, or to make constructive criticism of the band's set? 😃 We sometimes benefit from the wisdom of punters who know exactly what the next song should be. I was fortunate enough to have a punter step up to adjust the sound of the PA so he could hear himself scream through the mic. So sad that he actually mistook the catches of my metal leads case for the volume controls and completely missed the off switch on the mic. Must have been the lighting because I'm sure it wasn't the alcohol he'd been consuming (and spilling on the dancefloor). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ARGH Posted September 3, 2022 Share Posted September 3, 2022 Ahhhh this one goes out the the sausage jockey that during a Fleetwood Mac song, faced drunk tried climbing onstage with a Gareth Gates tune primed on his Phone, that he wanted us the play (Jocks Cavern, Barnsley late April 2022). Also same venue two weeks back, the smashed lass staggering into one of our PA stacks, knocking the entire lot horizontal… glad your mates carried you out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lozz196 Posted September 3, 2022 Share Posted September 3, 2022 I really don’t know how everyone puts up with this. I’d have to stop gigging if it happened to bands I was in. At 56 I have to acknowledge that should I lump someone that does it when I’m on stage I’m now in the more than likely position of losing should things proceed. Makes me glad to play punk/Oi, anyone who ends up on stage is either part of an overall stage invasion (and generally friends or at least people known) or has just been thrown there by the rest of the crowd and gets off asap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neepheid Posted September 3, 2022 Share Posted September 3, 2022 They always make a beeline for the singer. If the interaction takes longer than a few seconds I start playing something repetitive and obviously pisstaking on the bass, gets a laugh from my bandmates/sober people Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass_dinger Posted September 3, 2022 Share Posted September 3, 2022 1 hour ago, neepheid said: ...I start playing something repetitive and obviously pisstaking on the bass. The theme from the Addams Family? Do tell, so that I can add it to my repertoire! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weeleigh Posted September 5, 2022 Share Posted September 5, 2022 I sometimes play the Laurel and Hardy theme tune. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supernaut Posted September 5, 2022 Share Posted September 5, 2022 Playing in an originals band, we never have these issues. Normally because there is no audience there. 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martthebass Posted September 5, 2022 Share Posted September 5, 2022 On 03/09/2022 at 10:35, ARGH said: Ahhhh this one goes out the the sausage jockey that during a Fleetwood Mac song, faced drunk tried climbing onstage with a Gareth Gates tune primed on his Phone, that he wanted us the play (Jocks Cavern, Barnsley late April 2022). Also same venue two weeks back, the smashed lass staggering into one of our PA stacks, knocking the entire lot horizontal… glad your mates carried you out. Thanks for the heads up.....I've put that pub on our 'blocked' list! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ARGH Posted September 5, 2022 Share Posted September 5, 2022 8 hours ago, martthebass said: Thanks for the heads up.....I've put that pub on our 'blocked' list! Staircase and parking (load in/out) can be baaaaad too, not quite up there with York for stairs, nor that pub in Southampton that I cannot remember for the life of me, but its layout was topsy-turvy, and it was set into a hill, It's an agent job re:pay, which means you have to wait a few days, but its deffo one of those I'm glad to have left the place, some places make you jaded, this for me, can be one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr.Dave Posted September 6, 2022 Share Posted September 6, 2022 There was some toe rag in Brighouse a few years back kept wobbling the mic stand base so it was banging into my mouth and teeth as I sang. Thought it was hilarious when I stopped the song and told him I'm not someone with whom to ****.. He was back again doing it again a few songs later so I decked him. I've played at Jock's Cavern too. I put my hand on the stair rail to help me carry something up the stairs and when I looked to see why my hand felt sticky it was covered in phlegm !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ARGH Posted September 6, 2022 Share Posted September 6, 2022 22 minutes ago, Dr.Dave said: There was some toe rag in Brighouse a few years back kept wobbling the mic stand base so it was banging into my mouth and teeth as I sang. Let me guess, The Barge.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr.Dave Posted September 6, 2022 Share Posted September 6, 2022 Yep. I used to wind them up by telling them I was a benefit fraud investigator !! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ARGH Posted September 6, 2022 Share Posted September 6, 2022 We were the last gig in there in it's present guise, as the new managers and brewery have run that place into the ground. Thankfully the manager you...and probably I, played for some time ago is long gone.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
police squad Posted September 7, 2022 Share Posted September 7, 2022 can you play 'Sweet Caroline' 'er no, sorry' (of course I fkn can) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Franticsmurf Posted September 7, 2022 Share Posted September 7, 2022 I played a pub in Mountain Ash a few years ago with a separate room for the band to play in. The pub was full of your average punter mix but the room filled with a younger crowd. We kicked off with our usual opener to test the audience reactions (I think it was 'Walk of Life') after which they were calling for more modern stuff, so we played a few contemporary songs. The reaction was 'play some oldies' and one guy yelled 'play Apache'. It felt like they were taking the urine. We were playing to around 50 people for most of the night and this back and forth went on for a while - we play an old song ("play something we can dance to"), we play a 'dancey song' ("play some oldies"), play some pub classic ("play something modern"). We didn't lose the crowd and there was always clapping and cheering in appreciation, but then the inevitable call for old or new. And always in the gap between songs there was the lone voice shouting 'play Apache'. In the end we went into stubborn mode and they got our favourite songs at our favourite volume with minimal gaps in between. But still there was the lone voice calling for Apache. We were glad to finish and as we were packing up we had the usual 'great band, lads' from some of the punters as they left. And one guy came up to us and said 'you're rubbish, you can't play Apache. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downunderwonder Posted September 7, 2022 Share Posted September 7, 2022 14 hours ago, Franticsmurf said: I played a pub in Mountain Ash a few years ago with a separate room for the band to play in. The pub was full of your average punter mix but the room filled with a younger crowd. We kicked off with our usual opener to test the audience reactions (I think it was 'Walk of Life') after which they were calling for more modern stuff, so we played a few contemporary songs. The reaction was 'play some oldies' and one guy yelled 'play Apache'. It felt like they were taking the urine. We were playing to around 50 people for most of the night and this back and forth went on for a while - we play an old song ("play something we can dance to"), we play a 'dancey song' ("play some oldies"), play some pub classic ("play something modern"). We didn't lose the crowd and there was always clapping and cheering in appreciation, but then the inevitable call for old or new. And always in the gap between songs there was the lone voice shouting 'play Apache'. In the end we went into stubborn mode and they got our favourite songs at our favourite volume with minimal gaps in between. But still there was the lone voice calling for Apache. We were glad to finish and as we were packing up we had the usual 'great band, lads' from some of the punters as they left. And one guy came up to us and said 'you're rubbish, you can't play Apache. You only just lost out on disproving the old adage ''you can't please all of the people all of the time''. If you had played Apache for the finale it would have brought the house down. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Franticsmurf Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 9 hours ago, Downunderwonder said: You only just lost out on disproving the old adage ''you can't please all of the people all of the time''. If you had played Apache for the finale it would have brought the house down. Dammit! I could have been the guy who broke that old saying. 😀 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msb Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 We used to have one middle aged doll that would plant herself in front of the guitar player and demand Que Sera Sera. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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