Breaking up is never easy

[DCS222]

Ever had a smooth end to a band? Ever kicked someone out, or been kicked out, and it’s all chill with no drama… 

 

I’m currently pouring oil on troubled waters, and it’s so emotional… It’s just worse if things stay the same…

 

Make me feel better, what are your nightmare, handbags at dawn moments?

[Earbrass]

 

[chris_b]

If a band's not working, from either side, call it a day and move on.

 

I don't own any handbags and I'm never up early enough to see the dawn, so leaving on good terms is all that is left.

 

I get a lot of gigs from guys I played with in previous bands, so doing without the drama is great for my diary.

[Doctor J]

Just because it's a band, it doesn't mean you can't behave like a grown up. I don't think I've ever fallen out with any members of any of my many former bands (first band was in 1990 so have been in quite a few over the years) and a lot of my friends now are people I've met through being in a band with them. I did lose a singer halfway through a gig, he just walked off stage and straight out the door, didn't pass go, but that got smoothed over quickly enough.

Yeah, be an adult and communicate openly and it'll all be grand. Life is too short for spending time with emotionally stunted people.

[BlueMoon]

Try and surface the problems openly and quickly, otherwise things just fester. Compromise is often possible if the real issue(s) is understood. Sometimes though folks just don’t see that it’s worth it and walk.
 

Sadly, I’ve experienced a few band line up changes and they were all disruptive to some extent.

[casapete]

I think the only people who have left on bad terms in bands I’ve been in have been singers!
We always had a policy in our function band of giving a minimum of a month’s notice if you

weren’t happy, but some of the singers seemed to want the drama / attention of storming out

for some reason. This was usually preceded by weeks of being argumentative, late, sulking etc.

We always believed if you’d had enough then just do the decent thing and give notice before

leaving. (Unfortunately we also had people who seemed to thrive on conflict and creating bad

feeling who didn’t leave!)
I’m so fortunate in my current band that everyone is so easy to work with. Any issues are dealt

with in the proper way, and there is a genuine feeling of all working for the common good. 

[Lozz196]

I’ve never left a band on bad terms - or at least there haven’t been any in my part, I never asked any of the bands if there were on their part.

[DCS222]

1 hour ago, Doctor J said:

Yeah, be an adult and communicate openly and it'll all be grand. Life is too short for spending time with emotionally stunted people.

This.. ^^^

 

I get that people become upset at losing their spot in a band, but sometimes the writing has been clearly on the wall and folk haven’t wanted to read it... dragging out a split is much worse than a clean ending.

[Franticsmurf]

I've never left a band on bad terms and only once did we have to ask someone to leave a band I was in. In such a tight community it should be obvious to all concerned that things aren't working and so the act of leaving/being asked to leave shouldn't really be a surprise. As has been said above, issues caught early enough can be addressed and as long as that is done in an adult manner, things should work out without the handbag moments, even if someone has to go.

 

The only time we had a problem was with a bassist (I was the guitarist in the band) who couldn't see how his attitude of challenging everything and being late to rehearsals and gigs was a problem. The icing on the cake was when he refused to go back on to play an extended encore at a club gig and sat in the dressing room while we played another 30 minutes to a great crowd. He was asked to leave the following day and there was a hissy fit over returning my bass guitar to me (he didn't have his own) which was sorted with a visit to his house by the band. I hated every minute of it. The only positive from that episode was that having played bass for the encore, I played bass more often with that band and ended up being the full time bassist. And ultimately that led me here. 😃

[NancyJohnson]

Formed a band with a mate about 15 years ago, we'd have periods of stability then someone would jack it in and we'd find someone else.  This went on for about ten or eleven years.  Gigging regularly and recording.  It was a little like one if those Pete Frame Family Tree things.

 

New vocalist came in.  Great pipes, superb lyrics, but clearly saw us as a work in progress.  Guitarist left.  Drummer left.  I found replacements.  Vocalist pretty much took MY band and shaped it to his vision.  Things went political lyrically (sorry, but no.  We weren't The Clash).  Suddenly, all members were expendable and despite having an online calender if any of us were unavailable he'd say it's easy enough to find a dep because booking gigs is hard. Individually, all the band were reasonable blokes - even the singer - but collectively it was always 3 Vs 1 or band comes first, even if gigs were booked on birthdays, anniversaries, funerals.

 

Final straw was pretty much being read the riot act the day my father-in-law died, when I said I really couldn't play some basement sh*thole that same night.  Amazingly my heartbroken mother-in-law, who'd just lost her husband of 60 years, said I should actually go out and play said gig. 

 

Post me they carried on with four different bass players and somehow limped through the pandemic before folding about a year ago.  None of the final lineup are doing anything of merit musically (which makes me exceedingly happy as I am).

[TimR]

9 hours ago, DCS222 said:

Ever had a smooth end to a band? Ever kicked someone out, or been kicked out, and it’s all chill with no drama… 

 

I’m currently pouring oil on troubled waters, and it’s so emotional… It’s just worse if things stay the same…

 

Make me feel better, what are your nightmare, handbags at dawn moments?

 

Identity the problem member and then nominate one person to have a word. 

 

It's likely to get confrontational if it seems Ike they're being ganged up on with everyone being there. 

 

Does the member realise they're causing issues? Only time I was thrown put of a band was in the 80s. It came out of the blue and there were some really flakey reasons given, and by the next week they already had a bass player who knew the set. The band didn't last long after that.

[DCS222]

5 minutes ago, TimR said:

Identity the problem member and then nominate one person to have a word.

I’m always “the one” to have a word (should change my name to Neo) 🤔

 

 

[Barking Spiders]

I've never been kicked out of a band but I have been in one where I was the only member left.

[TimR]

5 minutes ago, DCS222 said:

I’m always “the one” to have a word (should change my name to Neo) 🤔

 

 

 

Well at least that's the hard part sorted. Usually no one wants to be the bad guy. 😆

[Rayman]

We had a second guitarist in the 80s…

 

He was a pain in the donkey. So we auditioned a new guy. During the rehearsal the old guy turned up….. we got the new guy to tell him he was fired, then we fired the new guy too. We’ve been a 3pce ever since.

 

Bands…. Lol

[Rosie C]

11 hours ago, DCS222 said:

Ever had a smooth end to a band? Ever kicked someone out, or been kicked out, and it’s all chill with no drama… 

 

 

My first band - yes - we played a gig in London (a bit deal for a little band from South Wales), thought we were making it, but our singer got military call-up. 

Second band - no - I objected to a song on the set list. The rest of the band agreed to take it off. But then played it at the gig anyway. I quit on the spot.

Third band - yes - a combination of serious illness and a new child on the way in the space of 3-4 weeks, everyone went their own ways. 

[jezzaboy]

In the last 3 years we have changed 2 lead guitarists. The first one dissapeared and refused to answer e mails, calls etc so was replaced. Then he threw a strop when he was replaced.

 

Next one left just before he was going to be replaced because our singer got pregnant and he wanted to replace her. And he is a gp! Needless to say he was told where to stick that idea.

 

So a right couple of bangers who I will not have anything to do with again and it feels good!

 

Im all for ending things nicely but sometimes its just not possible.

[gjones]

I recently left a band because of the behaviour of the guitarist.

 

Weirdly, within a couple of weeks he asked me to join two other bands?

 

I declined the offers (he obviously just didn't get it that he was the problem).

[Linus27]

I've had a couple of fallings out with bands that I have left, one of them absolutely huge. Bands No.1, I chose to leave because they were quite flakey in the sense that we'd have band practices arranged so I would drive 45 minutes to get there to find not everyone turns up, so no drummer or singer as they can't make it or can't get a babysitter but failed to tell anyone. Even had a band practice where they turned up with the baby and then had to go off somewhere so as I was the only one who'd had a baby, they left the newborn baby in my arms to look after as they went off somewhere. Plus, trying to get them to commit to gig was impossible as nobody was available as they couldn't get babysitters or be free. So as we all communicated via email so I dropped an email saying I'm leaving the band to pursue other things and thanked them for everything to then get a barrage of abuse from the singer and guitarist. I tried to reason with them and keep it constructive but it got quite nasty so I didn't reply after that.

 

Band No.2 was someone who I thought was a friend. We'd been in a band before and he always was a bit special in I want lots of attention which is fine. He was the band leader and organized all the gigs which again was fine. We were doing about 130 gigs a year, but at least a third of them were freebies and of no benefit but he either couldn't say no when asked to play or it was a way to satisfy his drinking habit as it was a beer festival or a fete/festival. He also didn't drive so one of us, usually me, would have to pick him up and drop him home after the gig. So cracks started to appear when we were doing 2/3 gigs a day or 5 gigs a weekend. It was something like play a 2 hour club gig on a Friday night. Then Saturday, drive from Surrey to Portsmouth to play for an hour midday at a fete. Then drive to Oxford to play an hour or 2 at a beer festival in the afternoon. Then drive to Gosport or somewhere else to play in the evening for 2 hours at a working men's club. Then possibly Sunday drive to a beer festival or summer fete somewhere miles away to play for free for 45 mins to an hour. All of this while picking him up and dropping him back afterwards. We started to notice our singers voice was starting to get damaged and she was struggling with the amount of singing she was doing. Even in one day she could be doing 3 gigs and singing anything from 4 to 6 hours a day. We also have families and were getting no time to spend with them and also spending so much time and money driving to gigs which we wouldn't get paid for. The drummer also was losing out as he would normally work nights as a Royal Mail driver but was having to turn down work to do a gig only to find he'd get paid £70 where he could be getting anything from £180 if he worked instead.

 

Some of us put forward that we should limit the amount of gigs we do per day, so 1 gig on Friday night, a maximum of 2 on a Saturday and none on Sunday if we played Friday. This was to protect our singers voice. We also said that we only want to do gigs that paid or if they didn't pay, then it was a benefit to us in terms of exposure, promotion or could lead on to something else. We said that driving 3 hours to play for free for 20 minutes at a school fete is a bit pointless. This didn't go down very well at all with him and a few arguments ensued but we continued. Tensions started to creep in as more and more gigs and freebies and multiple gigs in one day started to creep back in. Our singers voice and health started to suffer and she started to get sick. Plus, the music started to suffer as it was quantity over quality which was then affecting the performance. The drummer especially started to play completely different drums parts as he was fed up meaning famous bass parts didn't fit or well known parts to songs no longer sounded anything like how they should, So it was the start of the summer and we played a really bad gig on a Sunday. We were all at each others throats, we played really badly and were promised some things which wasn't true. So after the gig, I said to my friend and the band leader that I have decided that at the end of the year I am leaving the band. I was giving him 6 months notice but will happily stay on into the following year if it takes a little longer to find a replacement. I thought this was reasonable. Well, my friend went absolutely ballistic, called me every name under the sun, and said that if I do this then he and I will never speak again. I told him that I am giving him at least 6 months to find a replacement bass player which will be a doddle and he's over-reacting. We'd been friends for 20 years so this is a little over the top but he called me a whole host of things like a snake, traitor, back stabber etc. and said that if I do this then we will never speak again. So anyway, we then had another gig to do that evening, a 60th birthday party for a lady who'd booked us but guess what, my friend, the band leader didn't turn up and would not answer anyone's messages when trying to get hold of him. This was very out of order as he accused us of not being professional at times and we must do certain things and not let customers or punters down by being late or cancelling any gigs etc. Thankfully, he only played rhythm guitar and did some backing vocals so we managed to get through the gig perfectly without him.

 

Anyway, the band ended and we formed a new band as it was originally his band and his band name and out of respect we felt we should start a fresh. We also slightly changed the songs and style of the band to make it different but stuck to roughly the same genre. Some members left which was amicable and my now ex-friend formed a new band playing a slightly different genre and style. However, my ex-friend found out that we were continuing which at first he encouraged us to do but then seemed to turn against us. We think because he felt we wouldn't be able to succeed without him but it turns out that we were. We had about 40 gigs a year booked, gigs booked for 2 years in advance, including parties, birthdays, festivals, Christmas and New Years gigs. He started to spread nasty rumour's around about us to venues, phoning venues pretending to be us and cancel the gigs, get venues to try and pay us less as we were now a four piece and not a five piece anymore and even created a fake email address pretending to be a venue emailing us to say the gig at a big club has been cancelled. Of course none of it was successful as we were one step ahead of him but it did cause some disruption and a huge amount of stress as well as venues or people becoming suspicious or concerned about our integrity. We would contact venues or bookings a few weeks in advance to say we were looking forward to seeing them and playing just as a way to confirm we are still playing and to counter or check to see if there had been any contact from my ex-friend. Thankfully no gigs were successfully cancelled but some venues did tell us that someone had tried to call to cancel the gig. It even got to the point where my ex-friend sent me and others threatening texts and one female person linked to the band had to phone the Police as he was stalking them and making them feel unsafe. Some of my friends on Facebook, not linked to music were even contacted by my ex-friend to get them to like his new band and to not like mine. The mechanic who works on my car said his wife was even contacted by him and he phoned up drunk talking rubbish. They've never even met or spoken before. He even tried to ban us from travelling to the Isle of White to have a holiday as this is where he goes to visit sometimes and didn't want us on the island as well.  So this went on for around 2-3 years with repercussions every now and again but its pretty much stopped now. Most of the toxic people involved who were his hanger-ons are not in contact and due to the Covid, the band that we formed stopped at the start of 2020. Just amazes me what my ex-friends motivation was as we were not in competition with him, had no grudges to bear and were just a small local band playing music, its not like were were famous or any sort of threat. All I can think is it was just a control issue or jealousy.

 

Apart from that, all the other bands I've been in have been fine and I'm friends with now still.

 

 

[DCS222]

Jayzuz… What an absolute a-hole!!! 😳

[T-Bay]

COVID did me a massive favour with a band I was in, three of us mates and a mate of a mate. Well the mate of a mate turned out to be a complete control freak and a bloody nightmare. My two other mates are so easy going they didn’t want to be the ones to say anything so it was down to me. Then COVID happened and we accidentally forgot to mention the band to her after and she never got back in touch so result!

[TimR]

@Linus27

 

he just sounds like typical selfish person who realised his free ride was over.

 

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine who suddenly realised he was a partner in a firm, bringing in all the business and doing all the work, staying late while the other partner, wandered in whenever he fancied, and then was out on "business lunches" or the golf course all day.  It didn't go down well when he left, with all sorts of legal threats from the other partner. 

[Lozz196]

I think I`d introduce said "mate" to Mr Clawhammer @Linus27

 

In an old band we had something similar, though a much diluted version of your experience, an old mate who was something of a whizz on lead guitar joined our band. He didn`t have a suitable guitar, an amp or transport, so guess who ended up providing all, yes me. He didn`t even set the gear up, when we got to gigs or rehearsals. Well after a while it got to me so I said to the rest of the band that I was leaving as I wouldn`t play in the band with him a minute longer. They said no we`ll fire him and did. It`s a shame he has so much talent but unfortunately the bottle - or can in his case - means more to him than anything else.

[jezzaboy]

2 hours ago, T-Bay said:

COVID did me a massive favour with a band I was in, three of us mates and a mate of a mate. Well the mate of a mate turned out to be a complete control freak and a bloody nightmare. My two other mates are so easy going they didn’t want to be the ones to say anything so it was down to me. Then COVID happened and we accidentally forgot to mention the band to her after and she never got back in touch so result!

Our second guitarist who left (see above) was like that as well. Started out really nice and friendly and then gradually started to try and take over everything which wasn`t going to happen as the rhythm section had been doing this since 2015.

 

Example: we were offered a 45 mins slot in a local venue, multi band all dayer, £200 and good exposure for us. All back line provided to allow for a quick turnover. The muppett blew this out the water and said he had to have his own gear, amps, pedals which would have taken a fair bit of time that we didn`t have and no compromise! 

 

Funny thing is though dealing with the 2 of them has made me much better at dealing with issues inside the band and made me a stronger person so there is always something to be gained from a bad situation. 

[TimR]

57 minutes ago, jezzaboy said:

The muppett blew this out the water and said he had to have his own gear, amps, pedals which would have taken a fair bit of time that we didn`t have and no compromise! 

 

My policy is always drums bring snare and cymbals and guitar amp and pedals. Everyone else use backline provided. 

 

The key is that the guitarist understands he has the same amount of time to set up as the drummer. No faffing. I don't understand any musician who takes more than 5minutes setting up. It's literally 6 plugs and tune up.