Worst Auditionee

[TimR]

Think we are on a roll with stories about bands and members woes.

 

What's your worst experience auditioning someone for your band?

[Lozz196]

I’ve not really been present at that many auditions, only poor one I remember was a guy who turned up and had learned most of the songs in the wrong key, no idea which versions he’d listened to. 

[TimR]

We were looking for a singer for our function band.

 

The guy turned up on time, looked great, sang even better. Knew the songs.

 

The plan was to give him half an hour and then discuss after he'd left.

 

While he was packing down to leave he started telling us all about the numerous fights he'd been in at gigs. 

Edited February 29 by TimR

[TimR]

2 minutes ago, Lozz196 said:

I’ve not really been present at that many auditions, only poor one I remember was a guy who turned up and had learned most of the songs in the wrong key, no idea which versions he’d listened to. 

School boy error. 🤣

[tauzero]

We were looking for a drummer for our 4-piece, doing a mix of covers and originals. One turned up and set up and told us to start and he'd join in. We started a song and he sort of joined in, doing a straight four on the floor beat at his own speed. We tried the same song again, same result. Then we tried a different song, same result. Fortunately we finished up with an inexperienced but very capable and quick-learning drummer after that rather traumatic episode.

[Maude]

19 minutes ago, Lozz196 said:

I’ve not really been present at that many auditions, only poor one I remember was a guy who turned up and had learned most of the songs in the wrong key, no idea which versions he’d listened to. 

 

Don't feel bad... he joined our band! 😁

[TimR]

10 minutes ago, tauzero said:

We were looking for a drummer for our 4-piece, doing a mix of covers and originals. One turned up and set up and told us to start and he'd join in. We started a song and he sort of joined in, doing a straight four on the floor beat at his own speed. We tried the same song again, same result. Then we tried a different song, same result. Fortunately we finished up with an inexperienced but very capable and quick-learning drummer after that rather traumatic episode.

 

He may have depped for us. 🤣

[Kitsto]

I was my worst auditionee. The band (2 guitars, drums) sent me a list of songs. I rehearsed them for days on end, then turned up for the audition.

 

They launch into a song without saying what it is. Then another and another. Some are in different keys from the originals. I have no clue, none whatsoever. At one point, mid-song, the lead guitarist wanders over, picks up my left index finger and physically places it at the correct fret. Then he wanders back again.

Finally he says: "Roxette?"

I say: "The Swedish duo?"

"Nah, Feelgood." I'd never heard it before. It wasn't on the list.

In the end they just ignore me and play on.

 

Audition over I pack up and the band repair to the pub (I'd been told that going to the pub after band practice was mandatory as part of band bonding).

"You coming?" one of them says.

"Me? Sure." I follow in my car.

In the pub I sit at the table saying nothing while they chat. I am feeling dreadful. What a complete and utter horlicks. I'm burning with embarrassment and shame.

Then the lead guitarist looks over. "You in?"

I couldn't believe it.

They turned out to be a great bunch of guys and great musicians (the lead guitarist in particular). I learnt very quickly after that. Memorable gigs followed.

 

I learnt later how I'd got in. Sheer desperation on their part. Not a single bass player for miles around. Not one. Except me.

Edited February 29 by Kitsto

[Doctor J]

Needed a guitarist for an original metal band. Got an email from a guy who sent us an mp3 of him playing, he sounded amazing, very technically accomplished. We sent him some of our songs to learn and arranged an audition. He showed up, looked the part, so we suggested we play one of the songs. He started playing the intro riff and it was clear he was not the guy who was playing on the mp3 he sent us. Not great, but we all joined in. We got to the verse and he continued playing the intro riff. Bad times. We got to the chorus and all he seemed to know was the intro riff as that's what he kept playing. Then the drums stopped. No bass solo, instead I looked over and the drummer was hunched over. I could see his shoulders shaking, he was having a fit of the giggles and, with great effort and without looking up once, suggested the bass drum skin had split, it hadn't, and that was it. Five minutes and done. We awkwardly suggested we'd reschedule when, clearly, that was never going to happen.

 

Another odd one was a drummer audition for a different band years before, where the guy showed up with his girlfriend who sat beside him and chain-smoked for the entire duration. Ehhh... no thanks.

[la bam]

Had a (so called) singer turn up once. He had had 2 months to learn 6 songs. Discussions etc on WhatsApp. 

 

He turned up an hour and a half late to the audition. 

 

Then proceeded to say he hadn't really bothered to learn the songs in case we didn't think his voice would go with the band. So he didn't bother. 

 

He then impromptu asked us to (magically know, learn and immediately play) 6 songs from different artists so he could show us what he could do. We gave it a go - and he was then terrible. 

 

Then he left after we'd gone through 3 songs and an hour before we were supposed to finish. Said he was busy and had to get home to watch a TV show. 

 

Unbelievably he said to give him a ring and he'd be down for next rehearsal next week and walked out like mick jagger.... 

 

 

[Bassybert]

13 minutes ago, Kitsto said:

I was my worst auditionee. The band (2 guitars, drums) sent me a list of songs. I rehearsed them for days on end, then turned up for the audition.

 

They launch into a song without saying what it is. Then another and another. Some are in different keys from the originals. I have no clue, none whatsoever. At one point, mid-song, the lead guitarist wanders over, picks up my left index finger and physically places it at the correct fret. Then he wanders back again.

Finally he says: "Roxette?"

I say: "The Swedish duo?"

"Nah, Feelgood." I'd never heard it before. It wasn't on the list.

In the end they just ignore me and play on.

 

Audition over I pack up and the band repair to the pub (I'd been told that going to the pub after band practice was mandatory as part of band bonding).

"You coming?" one of them says.

"Me? Sure." I follow in my car.

In the pub I sit at the table saying nothing while they chat. I am feeling dreadful. What a complete and utter horlicks. I'm burning with embarrassment and shame.

Then the lead guitarist looks over. "You in?"

I couldn't believe it.

They turned out to be a great bunch of guys and great musicians (the lead guitarist in particular). I learnt very quickly after that. Memorable gigs followed.

 

I learnt later how I'd got in. Sheer desperation on their part. Not a single bass player for miles around. Not one. Except me.

Some things are just meant to be 😊

[peteb]

In the early 80s, I was in a band in London with a very good girl singer that had a bit of interest, but there were a few personal tensions and we split up. Me, the guitarist and the original drummer decided to resurrect the band without keys and started looking for a singer. We held auditions over a couple of days in a rehearsal studio in the Elephant & Castle. 

 

The first session turned up a couple of possibles, but the second one was less productive. One girl turned up in a leather mini skirt, dressed up as if for a night out and looked great, but unfortunately she didn't have a great voice. The guitar player later rang her up, saying that she didn't have the right voice for the band, but she had something if they could find the right project for her. He ended up talking her into going on a date with him, which obviously was the intention all along. 

 

However, the best was saved for last. A Welsh girl (who I remember was a nurse) turned up about half an hour late, just as we were about to knock it on the head and go to the pub. It was pretty obvious she wasn't going to get the gig, so we take her for a drink. After a couple of beers, she was still wanting to sing and she obviously wasn't short of confidence, so we head back to the studio. We try to teach her one of our songs, which she just couldn't get. She then reaches into her bag and pulls out a Black Sabbath songbook and decides that she wants us to play Paranoid. We had been taping the auditions, so the guitarist discretely turns the tape off, only for me to flick it back on. She wasn't great, in fact she was awful and singing so flat she was nearly coming back in tune an octave down at times. At this point, her boyfriend comes to pick up her up and she's giving us her details, confident that she's completely nailed it! 

 

I must have played that tape to everyone who came down to my gaff for weeks... 

 

Edited March 2 by peteb

[rushbo]

1 hour ago, Kitsto said:

They launch into a song without saying what it is. Then another and another. Some are in different keys from the originals. I have no clue, none whatsoever. At one point, mid-song, the lead guitarist wanders over, picks up my left index finger and physically places it at the correct fret. Then he wanders back again.

Finally he says: "Roxette?"

I say: "The Swedish duo?"

"Nah, Feelgood." I'd never heard it before. It wasn't on the list.

In the end they just ignore me and play on.

 

 

I am confident that this paragraph is the funniest thing I will read all year. This is genius. Thank you so much for this.

[Ed_S]

We auditioned a guy for lead vocals who learned a couple of our original songs and sang them perfectly out of step with the music. It was quite impressive really - like taking the multitrack session and just dragging the vocals a couple of seconds to the right. The natural reaction was to try and 'correct' the music to match the vocals, but we held out and it remained perfectly wrong throughout. The vocals for one track actually concluded acapella after the rest of us had played the last note, and even that didn't get a glimmer of concern.

[Bassybert]

From reading this thread it’s pretty obvious most singers are completely delusional 😂

[uk_lefty]

1 minute ago, Bassybert said:

From reading this thread it’s pretty obvious most singers are completely delusional 😂

I see your singers and raise you a keyboardist. This is where my lifelong distrust and aversion for keyboardists comes from...

 

Once upon a time I answered an ad for a funk band with female singers. It was like an X factor style audition being run by the guitarist who was a decent enough chap but the songs were more indie rock. There were loads of other guitarists and drummers there but only me as a bassist so I was kept. A week later and we audition a keys player. Dave shows up, long hair, looks like he wants a job in IT support but isn't bright enough, spends forever setting up his scaffolding for all his keyboards while talking about all these festivals he's played where the soundman didn't even have x, y z but of kit we've never heard of. Eventually he's ready to play a song. He hasn't listened to the audition songs or come prepared in any way. Stereophonics song? "Oh..... Errrr, Welsh band aren't they? I think I might have heard them on a cassette. My girlfriend is Welsh." Ummm thanks Dave. He plink plonks a couple of notes while we play. He doesn't even try to overwhelm us with weird sound effects, he just stands there looking confused the whole night, even when we tell him the chords. Guitarist invites him back the next week if he can learn some of the songs. 

Next week. Dave has clearly not learned anything and I doubt if he could achieve Grade 1 piano. After bashing through some songs hoping he will catch up guitarists says "let's pack away and when he goes get all our gear back out". I've packed away and Dave is still dismantling his huge keys rig so I get bored and say F this I'm off home. Half an hour later I get a call from the guitarist through gritted teeth: "I know you haven't got them, but can you check all your pockets and cases for Dave's car keys? We've turned the place upside down and just can't find them." I didn't have them. A long while later I get a text. Dave's car keys were eventually found after checking everywhere including in the till of the pub. They were in the pocket of his hoodie all along. 

I never saw Dave again.

I've never played with a keys player since.

[uk_lefty]

Keyboards Dave was almost as weird as the drummer.... So eight years ago I got together with a guitarist and singer to do 80s indie I guess you'd call it. I liked the two of them and we clicked so we got some songs together as bass, two guitars and vox and looked for a drummer. Drummer answers ad saying all the right things. Except he wants to rehearse a long way away, being the only one with a car out of the three of us I'm happy to drive us there. 

We get there and the drummer, I think also a Dave, is flapping around with the studio staff because the kit isn't right and he needs something really specific and can't believe they haven't got it... Etc. 

We play one or two songs and he's ok. He can't stop talking though. He keeps telling us how it would be great if we did Crazy Horses by the Osmonds, Robbie Williams Let Me Entertain You... We are fixed on Talking Heads, Camper Van Beethoven, the Waterboys so we don't think this will fit.

The guy just doesn't stop talking about how his last bands were so great playing the Osmonds.

We have a drinks break and we can't get a word in edgeways. Drummer keeps saying how some people don't like him because he has all these ideas but surely we should just talk about it and agree or disagree. This is a valid point though his actions are suggesting he will talk until you agree with him.

He gave us a set list he thinks we should do... Having not met us before, not registered that we've already been working on something, and not registered that we aren't doing karaoke in a flat-roof pub type songs.

We play some more.

He tells us how on stage he wants us to set up with his drums at the front because nobody else does that. 

He tells us he has a headset mic and wants to lead vox on some songs.

When we are leaving with all our gear packed up he runs over, slams the door shut, turns off the lights and then starts playing with glow in the dark drum sticks. 

We leave confused, slightly scared. And never contact him again.

Edited March 1 by uk_lefty

[NancyJohnson]

Mate of mine had a huge house (that looked a little like Tracy Island) with a large basement studio where we'd just leave our gear set up 24/7 and turn up and play.

 

We were never going to take things out live, this was a more open musician session thing where we'd write/record/jam/drink beer; several drummers played, other guys just either lost interest or had commitments elsewhere; I'd mentioned to everyone I knew that we just needed someone to come along and play drums.

 

We got a suggestion of a local bloke through a friend of a friend of a friend, so in desperation we asked him along. He'd apparently being playing for ages, but not so much recently.  I guess the latter comment should have rung alarm bells.  He turned up and unloaded an absolutely beautiful old Ludwig kit, all the hardware looked lovingly taken care of.

 

Big problem was he really couldn't play at all, but I don't think he realised that in the slightest.  There was just nothing there whatsoever.  He could barely hold together a slow 4/4.  It would be akin to getting your mum to sit in on traps for a session.

 

It was an uncomfortable three or four hours.

[Leonard Smalls]

Daves seem to be a bit odd!

Years ago I was trying to set up a band, had put an ad in the local muso-rag specifying funk, jazz...

So Dave turned up at my house in his Reliant Robin, brought out his acoustic guitar and without coming into the house, proceeded to regale me with his repertoire, which were all his own material. Which would have been nice if they weren't so terrible! Like drunk folk round a campfire who couldn't play or singing belting out unrecognisable tosh after 2 bottles of whisky.

After his "gig" he got back in his Robin and fecked off. He barely spoke a word at any point, and I never heard from him again!

[BillyBass]

A few years ago we auditioned a guitarist, not named Dave.  He walked in, saw my pedal board turned his nose up and said, "You've got too many pedals for a bassist".

 

I then sort of understood why everyone on bass forums called guitarists 'geetards'.

[solo4652]

We were looking for a drummer. This guy turns up with his kit, an oxygen cylinder and a face mask. He was OK with slower songs, but had to increase his oxygen flow for faster numbers. After about 8 songs, he announced that he'd virtually run out of oxygen, so had to stop playing. Clearly, he wasn't in the best of health, and it was quite sad to see somebody really struggling with something they were desperate to hang onto. 

[Ashborygirl]

Not an audition but I once went to buy a bass from a guy in West Yorkshire (NOT a member on here, i should add).  As soon as he opened the door I recognised him as a man I'd previously investigated for possessing indecent images of kids.  In the style of the News of the World, I made my excuses & left.

[LeftyJ]

Had a guitarist come in for an audition with my old pop noir band (murder ballads in the style of Nick Cave). I had brought my Rickenbacker 4003 along for that rehearsal. The guy barely spoke, barely acknowledged anyone in the room. His playing was OK, he had a decent enough tone with just a few pedals in front of the house amp, but was just a totally antisocial weirdo. The only words he uttered during the entire audition were "Hey, a Rickenbacker." 

[solo4652]

1 hour ago, solo4652 said:

We were looking for a drummer. This guy turns up with his kit, an oxygen cylinder and a face mask. He was OK with slower songs, but had to increase his oxygen flow for faster numbers. After about 8 songs, he announced that he'd virtually run out of oxygen, so had to stop playing. Clearly, he wasn't in the best of health, and it was quite sad to see somebody really struggling with something they were desperate to hang onto. 

Another band, another drummer audition. Beforehand, guy asked what was provided at rehearsal rooms. "Just a basic kit - you'll need to bring your own cymbals, stands, seat and any other favourite equipment you particularly like". Guy turns up with two drum sticks and nothing else. Turned out he didn't actually own any drums, cymbals, stands, seat - just two drum sticks. 

[Bassybert]

2 hours ago, solo4652 said:

We were looking for a drummer. This guy turns up with his kit, an oxygen cylinder and a face mask. He was OK with slower songs, but had to increase his oxygen flow for faster numbers. After about 8 songs, he announced that he'd virtually run out of oxygen, so had to stop playing. Clearly, he wasn't in the best of health, and it was quite sad to see somebody really struggling with something they were desperate to hang onto. 

That’s both hilarious and really sad at the same time. I’m imagining him breathing away like some sort of Davros/Darth Vader hybrid whilst playing!!

Edited March 1 by Bassybert