Worst Auditionee

[Wilson_51_]

A good few years a go a band I was in (all early twenties at the time) were looking for a new drummer. Popped an advert out saying rock band playing originals. Stating location, age etc. 

 

got a lovely message back from someone who was very interested named all the band we liked (lots of grunge bands). Owns own studio and has all the equipment so don’t worry about bringing a thing. we think brilliant we’ll bring just guitars and bass get all of us in our diddy hatchback. 
 

so we turn up to this fellas house in the middle of nowhere, knock on the door. The door is opened by an elderly gentlemen (70s ish) in his slippers, we ask if the lads in, he then tells us that is him. We all look at each other and you can see us all thinking well if he’s brilliant is age a deal breaker?

 

He shows us through to this studio.. which is his conservatory. With a drum kit, a 10 watt guitar amp and no bass amp. Nothin more nothing less. He proceeds to let us hear a some of his previous records he’s played on with some big artists. 
 

turns out these records he’s played on are acoustic versions of songs he has recorded himself drumming to but he is adamant he was there in the studio with Clapton, Gilmour etc. 

 

needless to say we scarpered at the first opportunity. 

 

 

 

[SPHDS]

I have two.....one of which was my audition....!
1) Around the time I'd just joined a band they were also looking for second guitarist, in comes one hopeful, Marshall 4x12 perched precariously on a skateboard.....he was clearly a bit nervous/unprepared.....and it showed.......so we had him back for another shot next practice, he'd clearly been working at it but was still not great,  halfway through a song he stopped playing, hefted the 4x12 onto the board, and teetered out going 'it's not really working is it......!?!' and disappeared.....
2) I replied to an ad from a guitarist was trying to 'resurrect' his old 'rock covers' band.....but as no actual set list surfaced, I hedged my bets and went through some of my old set lists and gave them a bash......we arrange to meet up, the whole thing was basically back and forth - 
Him - 'Can you play....?'
Me - 'I played it about X-yrs ago.....forgotten most of it though, sorry'
Me - 'What about....?'
Him - 'Nah.....don't like it...'

Frustratingly, I had played almost all the songs he suggested, but not in ages.....so even the ones I kind of remembered were rather ropey.....had he just given me a flipping list....who knows.....!?!

[uk_lefty]

Somewhere out on the internet there's a drum forum, a singers forum, a keyboard forum... Where every single one of us is getting a virtual kicking... 

[snorkie635]

Back around '78, we auditioned a singer as our geetarist at the time was going through a 'strong, silent' phase and decided to give up singing to practise his playing more (whatever!)

 

At the time, we were playing standard pub-rock fare from The Stones, Eric C, Roxy Music, blah, blah. One local hero was a big noise in the cabaret and working men's club circuit and thought he was the next Tony Christie/Elvis.

 

So, we rent a rehearsal space, send out a set list with half a dozen well-know 'standards (for that time) and await the arrival of the great man himself. We, in the band, all resembled drop-outs from Lynyrd Skynyrd at that time, and he rocks up looking like John Revolta (shirt collar outside wide-lapelled jacket, etc.). He firstly needed to spray something into his throat, as this allowed him to 'expand his range', and then he went through a vocal warm up of about ten minutes of scales. By the time all this had been accomplished, the guitarist was giving me looks to let me know he was going to crumple with restricted laughter, and to say not a word. Meanwhile, Mr Fabulous is now bu**ering about with the PA amp, attempting to find echo, reverb, treble and lord knows what else. This 'search' for settings unleashed feedback, rumbles, parping whoops, and sounds Ron Grainer would have been proud of. Perhaps, 25 minutes into the audition, Perry Combover was ready to rock and first up was Brown Sugar by the Stones. 1,2,3,4. Intro goes well. He proceeds to hit the wrong note as he joins in. Not only was he in the wrong key; he was singing the chorus. You simply must accept at this point, that he was approaching the number very much in the style of Harry Secombe, as 'Mr Bumble' in 'Oliver'. It was akin to Leonard Cohen auditioning for Greenday. Possible because he was unable to breathe, our guitarist was on his knees, pretending to be doing something with his amp-controls. Seeing this, I decided to face the wall, but to plough-on regardless. Suffice to say, I planted the top of my head flat against the wall, to provide some measure of pain, in the hope it might stop me having convulsions of mirth - I swear I couldn't see, for tears of laughter running down my face, and daren't breathe in case I atrophied. After what seemed like the 'director's cut'/'festival version' of the song -which passed for me in slow-motion, allowing me to re-live my entire life to that point - we road-crashed to a halt. The drummer looked like he had been tasered, and all blink-reflexes were gone; the guitarist was a sort of crimson-peuce colour and probably now boasted a new world record in holding breath, long enough to impress a south-seas pearl diver. I was, as I recall, almost managing to stand with a ninety degree bend from the waist, being held up olny by the pressure of my head on the supporting wall.

 

"Well guys," quoth the great man,"that sounded pretty good to me, but I don't think you've got the solo quite right somehow!"

[Barking Spiders]

On 01/03/2024 at 11:30, Bassybert said:

That’s both hilarious and really sad at the same time. I’m imagining him breathing away like some sort of Davros/Darth Vader hybrid whilst playing!!

Maybe I'm a bit sick in the head but I found anecdote very funny, even though I probably ought not to.

[Mickeyboro]

This is truly a classic thread…

 

Stop me if I have told this one before… In 1980 I had a band modelled on the Pretenders, whom I had seen and fallen in love with. Our Chrissie was an Australian girl who ended up being deported I believe - anyway she left us looking for a replacement.

 

We auditioned four girls at Alaska Studios in Waterloo, London. Among them was a lass fresh down from Scotland who was so shy she wouldn’t emerge from the corner of the room at first. Also she had a rather obnoxious boyfriend, as I recall. So we passed.

 

Months later I saw Eddi Reader on TV backing the Gang of Four, and later still duetting with Annie Lennox in Eurythmics. Bloomin ‘eck!

 

Bet she has had many a sleepless night regretting my decision😂

[RAY AGAINST THE MACHINE]

1 hour ago, Mickeyboro said:

This is truly a classic thread…

 

Stop me if I have told this one before… In 1980 I had a band modelled on the Pretenders, whom I had seen and fallen in love with. Our Chrissie was an Australian girl who ended up being deported I believe - anyway she left us looking for a replacement.

 

We auditioned four girls at Alaska Studios in Waterloo, London. Among them was a lass fresh down from Scotland who was so shy she wouldn’t emerge from the corner of the room at first. Also she had a rather obnoxious boyfriend, as I recall. So we passed.

 

Months later I saw Eddi Reader on TV backing the Gang of Four, and later still duetting with Annie Lennox in Eurythmics. Bloomin ‘eck!

 

Bet she has had many a sleepless night regretting my decision😂

I used to go to Alaska studios a lot , back in the '90s . Used to like it there . The pub next door was handy . We used to take trays of drinks into the rehearsals .🙂

Edited March 2 by RAY AGAINST THE MACHINE

[Crusoe]

9 hours ago, Franticsmurf said:

Back in the early 90s I was playing geetar in a band doing primarily originals but going through that difficult period of realising that our original material wasn't going down well with the venues we played. We decided to add more appropriate covers (which meant the more accessible proggy stuff) and to find a dedicated singer, as out keyboard player was currently singing. The drummer and I were in a night club (a rare event but it played mainly the rock end of pop music) and I got talking to this young girl who, when she found out I was in a band looking for a singer, proclaimed that she could sing and wanted to be out new front person. Her first audition was outside the nightclub, where she performed 'Wuthering Heights', complete with rather enticing dance moves. She wasn't bad and both the drummer and I thought she deserved a decent audition with the rest of the band. 

 

A couple of weeks later we picked her up from the corner of her street in the band van and headed off to the rehearsal studio where we went through a few covers and while she could keep a tune, her voice wasn't versatile enough. Had we been a Kate Bush tribute act, she may just have scraped through with some work but as it was her voice was quite thin and she didn't seem to have the self confidence needed for a front person. We dropped her back off on the corner of her street with the intention of having a second go with some originals.

 

Imagine my surprise when, on the way to work a couple of days later, I saw our potential singer in her school uniform looking every bit the 14 or 15 year old she actually was. Many things went through my head, mostly involving irate parents, irate policemen and relief that nothing ungentlemanly had happened. Needless to say, we didn't keep in contact.   

That's very Diane and Rent Boy in "Trainspotting" 😄

[Owen]

On 01/03/2024 at 13:47, Muzz said:

Shamelessly copied and pasted from a post of mine years ago, but, I hope, worth a revisit:

 

Manchester...erm, mid-80s...

Our drummer (in an originals-with-the-odd-cover 80s Rock Band) was about to become a Dad, and had reluctantly decided he'd have to shelve the rehearsals and gigging for a good while, so he'd stepped down, and we were on the urgent look-out for a replacement. As a thoroughly nice chap, and knowing we had gigs booked we needed to fulfil, he had even left his kit at the rehearsal rooms for new drummers to use, in part or whole, for the auditions. We organised a Sunday afternoon, with an hour slot for each drummer we'd contacted, and it started unremarkably, but then, second to last, was the standout. And not in a good way. 

He turned up in a six-wheel Transit, immediately earning about a thousand bonus points, but it became terribly clear that all this thing held was his kit...and there was little room for anything else. After refusing to use of any of the already-set-up kit, he began ferrying kit in. And more kit. And more kit. After ten minutes of watching boxes piling up, and with his end of the rehearsal room beginning to look like the dockside of the Queen Mary before a round the world jaunt, we volunteered to help, and then we all spent the next 45 minutes setting up a furry tigerskin-covered double-kick kit, with six raised toms, three floor toms, eight rototoms and so many cymbals we couldn't see him any more. As he tightened up the third china cymbal, I said "No gong, then?", and he froze, looking concerned. "I didn't bring it...should I have done?" I assured him it wouldn't count against him, and eventually, with about five minutes left of his allotted hour, he was ready. 

The singist had been forced to nip outside to intercept the last auditionee, apologise and ask him to bear with and go for a pint in the local for twenty minutes, and then our hero launched into the first intro, to a then-bog-standard Bon Jovi tune we'd decided would make a good starter audition song.

Now, in 40+ years of bands, I've never played in a freeform jazz ensemble, and I certainly hadn't back then, so I was unfamiliar with the five-count intro, and the thirteen-bar drum fill*, but this chap was clearly a master. We couldn't possibly fault him for brio, enthusiasm, and certainly energy...it was his counting which left quite a lot to be desired**. In addition, having taken so long to set up his mahoooosive kit, he was determined to hit every single drum and cymbal as often as he could, with scant regard for the song, or indeed the befuddlement he was creating amongst his prospective fellow band-members. 

I shall leave to your imagination the meal he made of the drawn-out ending, suffice to say Richard Wagner, had he been hanging around the rehearsal rooms (unlikely) and not dead for about a century (for once, fortunate), would probably have shaken his head and said something unflattering about bombast. In German. He finished by standing, his arms aloft and his eyes shining. Had that thing Usain Bolt does (not the running, the archery-arms thing) been around, he would have been doing that. We shuffled our feet, unable to maintain eye contact with him or each other, for fear of collapsing into hysterics. Eventually the singer thanked him for his time, and we all heaved-to loading his van again, while the singer went to buy the other auditionee another pint.

He didn't get the job.

 

* I'm probably doing an enormous disservice to freeform jazz ensembles around the globe here, so apologies if so, but I'm at a loss as to where else to place it musically. Perhaps amongst those gangs of glassy-eyed, saffron-robed enthusiasts one encounters on the city streets, each banging a drum in a random manner with a blissful expression and no regard for hard-pressed shoppers... 
** I note that 'dyscalcula' is the numerical equivalent of dyselxia, and apparently A Real Medical Thing. It may have been that he was a secret sufferer; that would explain an awful lot.

 

Edit: I've just spotted that I've spelt 'dyslexia' wrong in the footnote above. Oh, the irony...

The official word for not being able to hold a beat is Discolexic. 

Edited March 3 by Owen
because of the spelling. Always because of the spelling.

[TimR]

23 hours ago, SPHDS said:

Frustratingly, I had played almost all the songs he suggested, but not in ages.....so even the ones I kind of remembered were rather ropey.....had he just given me a flipping list....who knows.....!?!

 

I played a dep gig once where the entire communications had been "Don't worry, they're all standards, you'll be fine." 

 

3 hours playing tunes I'd never heard before, let along played before. 

 

Luckily the audience didn't notice. 

[asingardenof]

On 02/03/2024 at 11:26, Franticsmurf said:

Back in the early 90s I was playing geetar in a band doing primarily originals but going through that difficult period of realising that our original material wasn't going down well with the venues we played. We decided to add more appropriate covers (which meant the more accessible proggy stuff) and to find a dedicated singer, as out keyboard player was currently singing. The drummer and I were in a night club (a rare event but it played mainly the rock end of pop music) and I got talking to this young girl who, when she found out I was in a band looking for a singer, proclaimed that she could sing and wanted to be out new front person. Her first audition was outside the nightclub, where she performed 'Wuthering Heights', complete with rather enticing dance moves. She wasn't bad and both the drummer and I thought she deserved a decent audition with the rest of the band. 

 

A couple of weeks later we picked her up from the corner of her street in the band van and headed off to the rehearsal studio where we went through a few covers and while she could keep a tune, her voice wasn't versatile enough. Had we been a Kate Bush tribute act, she may just have scraped through with some work but as it was her voice was quite thin and she didn't seem to have the self confidence needed for a front person. We dropped her back off on the corner of her street with the intention of having a second go with some originals.

 

Imagine my surprise when, on the way to work a couple of days later, I saw our potential singer in her school uniform looking every bit the 14 or 15 year old she actually was. Many things went through my head, mostly involving irate parents, irate policemen and relief that nothing ungentlemanly had happened. Needless to say, we didn't keep in contact.   

All very Trainspotting

[ARGH]

One from a guitarist mate.... 30 odd years ago.

 

Drummer auditions, we will call him 'Trev'

Trev appears, unloads van, VERY nice high end Tama kit, plus cymbals...its the 80s, it looks awesome.

 

Trev plays, Trev is good, looks right, nice guy, fits...

 

Gets offered the job, accepts it on the spot...

"This the rehearsal space yeah? I might as well leave my kit here, cases and that!!"

 

Handshakes all round, "See you next week!!"

 

Trev, is never heard or seen from again, various calls to his number, no responses, word put about the 'Scene', uncovers nothing, even when visiting other towns and cities, if the band members recall, they ask the locals...give a description, nothing and nobody matches.

 

About 8 years go by, My mates band have, obviously found someone else, gigged around, and the rehearsal space is getting leveled for an office block or suchlike,their stuff needs clearing out. Trevs kit and gear gets sold for the new, bigger PA... 

[Bluewine]

Here's a good one in reverse. I auditioned for a classic rock cover band. This was years ago. They double booked my audition with another guy. I was able to watch his audition. A young guy, he didn't know any of the songs  I nailed all three.

 

They went with the other guy. He was a friend of the guitarist. He didn't last long. Turns out the guy had no transportation to get to gigs.

 

They called me back and offered me the job  You can imagine where I told them to shove their offer .

 

The lesson, never audition for bands auditioning friends or relatives. 

 

Daryl

[solo4652]

13 hours ago, Bluewine said:

Here's a good one in reverse. I auditioned for a classic rock cover band. This was years ago. They double booked my audition with another guy. I was able to watch his audition. A young guy, he didn't know any of the songs  I nailed all three.

 

They went with the other guy. He was a friend of the guitarist. He didn't last long. Turns out the guy had no transportation to get to gigs.

 

They called me back and offered me the job  You can imagine where I told them to shove their offer .

 

The lesson, never audition for bands auditioning friends or relatives. 

 

Daryl

That happened to me. I turned up for an audition with an established band. There was a guy sitting in the corner listening and making notes. Audition went well and I got offered the job. Three rehearsals later, the band said they'd offered the job to the keys player's best mate - the guy who was sitting in the corner at my audition. "Sorry - we didn't see it coming. He's a really good friend of ours". Sod you then. Bye. Three weeks later - I get invited back because "bass player has decided that he's not good enough." I'm sure you'll be able to work out the general gist of my reply.

[nilorius]

This is what happened 2 years ago to me. I got auditioned by a pop/rock band - drummer, guitarist, keyboards, girl vocal. I came in to room, all looked very nice, everybody was setting up for the rehearsal. So it started - the girl vocalist said to me - ok, play something. I asked - bass solo, alone? Guitarist answered - yes, that would be nice. I said ok. Took some seconds to think what to play and decided to play Donna Lee. So i did it without mistakes in a good speed, thought - should be fine. Then the girl vocalist said - no......you are not good enough, you can leave now, goodbye. I packed and left. A bit of whiskey and all was fine again.

[Dad3353]

3 minutes ago, nilorius said:

... Donna Lee...

 

Maybe not the best choice for an audition on bass..? 

 

 

 

[peteb]

8 minutes ago, Dad3353 said:

 

Maybe not the best choice for an audition on bass..? 

 

 

 

I assume that you are aware that there is a rather famous bass guitar version of this? 

 

Still not sure that it is the best thing to play at an audition for a pop / rock band...! 

 

Edited March 5 by peteb

[SimonK]

About ten years ago we were looking for a new drummer. First chap we tried spent over an hour setting up the biggest kit we had ever seen, and then proceeded to drown the rest of us out. Mutual agreement he wasn't the best for the band. Out of desperation we then tried a 14 year old kid who volunteered through a friend. Sort of did it as a favour as he had never been in a band before - turns out Sam was God's gift to drumming. He won the Yamaha U18 drummer of the year competition a year later, we recorded a bunch of Toto songs for his A-levels, and then he left us in his dust when he disappeared off to become a session musician! It was quite humbling to have a tiny part in his development.

[uk_lefty]

33 minutes ago, SimonK said:

About ten years ago we were looking for a new drummer. First chap we tried spent over an hour setting up the biggest kit we had ever seen, and then proceeded to drown the rest of us out. Mutual agreement he wasn't the best for the band. Out of desperation we then tried a 14 year old kid who volunteered through a friend. Sort of did it as a favour as he had never been in a band before - turns out Sam was God's gift to drumming. He won the Yamaha U18 drummer of the year competition a year later, we recorded a bunch of Toto songs for his A-levels, and then he left us in his dust when he disappeared off to become a session musician! It was quite humbling to have a tiny part in his development.

That's awesome!

[SimonK]

14 minutes ago, uk_lefty said:

That's awesome!

 

...not exactly a worst audition story, but he was such a damn good drummer that we spent three year's trying to keep up with him after letting him into our band! He had the uncanny ability to be able to accent pretty much any beat (down to quarter beats) that you asked him to.

[Bluewine]

On 04/03/2024 at 11:12, solo4652 said:

That happened to me. I turned up for an audition with an established band. There was a guy sitting in the corner listening and making notes. Audition went well and I got offered the job. Three rehearsals later, the band said they'd offered the job to the keys player's best mate - the guy who was sitting in the corner at my audition. "Sorry - we didn't see it coming. He's a really good friend of ours". Sod you then. Bye. Three weeks later - I get invited back because "bass player has decided that he's not good enough." I'm sure you'll be able to work out the general gist of my reply.

 

Thanks for sharing that story Solo.

 

Seriously guys, it's something to at least be aware of if your auditioning. 

 

Don't be afraid to ask if a band is auditioning friends or relatives. 

 

Daryl

 

 

Edited March 5 by Bluewine

[Stub Mandrel]

On 01/03/2024 at 10:34, LeftyJ said:

Had a guitarist come in for an audition with my old pop noir band (murder ballads in the style of Nick Cave). I had brought my Rickenbacker 4003 along for that rehearsal. The guy barely spoke, barely acknowledged anyone in the room. His playing was OK, he had a decent enough tone with just a few pedals in front of the house amp, but was just a totally antisocial weirdo. The only words he uttered during the entire audition were "Hey, a Rickenbacker." 

 

Sounds like an excellent fit with the material 😁

[Stub Mandrel]

3 hours ago, peteb said:

 

I assume that you are aware that there is a rather famous bass guitar version of this? 

 

Still not sure that it is the best thing to play at an audition for a pop / rock band...! 

 

 

The problem is the technical ability required to play it is rather obscured by it sounding like a near-random sequence of notes to the uninitiated.

[thebrig]

We auditioned a so called experienced guitarist last week who has played for 50+ years.

He turned up and spent a good twenty minutes trying to tune his guitar and he didn't mute it whilst doing so, I always record rehearsals and auditions, and the tone you hear in this clip of him tuning is the tone he used for every song we played regardless of the type of song.

 

He didn't get the gig.

[Stub Mandrel]

1 hour ago, thebrig said:

We auditioned a so called experienced guitarist last week who has played for 50+ years.

He turned up and spent a good twenty minutes trying to tune his guitar and he didn't mute it whilst doing so, I always record rehearsals and auditions, and the tone you hear in this clip of him tuning is the tone he used for every song we played regardless of the type of song.

 

He didn't get the gig.

 

Sounds like a ship in fog...