Bass or the wife

[The Funk]

[quote name='4 candles' post='631750' date='Oct 20 2009, 08:19 PM']Howdy, A hypathetical question.

If your wife(a non musician) gave you an ultimatum. Stop doing your gigs or we will have to part company.[/quote]

I'm divorced. I started playing before I met her (and we met when we were both pretty young).

In general if your wife isn't supportive of things that really matter to you and if she's the ultimatum-giving type, then you need to have a serious conversation with her and explain that this is [i]her[/i] last chance.

There are plenty of great women out there. And if 2 in 3 marriages end in divorce, the stats say to me that by your third marriage you should be fine!

[waynepunkdude]

My response would be "I'm keeping the TV"

[blazer3]

THE ADMIRAL.
My girlfriend thinks anything other than facebook is a waste of space, whereas i think anything except facebook is fine.
She"s not got the brains to look at Bass chat ,and if she does look at my favourites she wont know one Bass website from another.

[The Funk]

Still, isn't this conversation best had in Off Topic, where only members can read all these heart-felt outpourings of love for bass and indifference towards wags?

[lowdown]

[quote name='jakesbass' post='631905' date='Oct 20 2009, 10:43 PM']If my wife was saying to me that she wanted me to gig less then she would also be saying I want you to stop paying the mortgage, so it's a moot point really.[/quote]

Same here, and that means no house, no cupboards = nowhere to put all her shoes.
An her Ironing board and Bamboo hoover.

Garry

[OutToPlayJazz]

Heh! It's my profession, so if I stopped playing & teaching, I'd be sat at home all day earning no money. Unfortunately, not an option! Oh for a quiet life...

[skankdelvar]

It all depends on how many gigs you're doing, how much time it takes up and whether it contributes financially or otherwise to the partnership.

If you're out 7 nights a week getting back at 5 in the morning, getting paid nowt while squirting crillions on gear and ignoring her at home while you're posting on here, then she might have cause to grumble.

OTOH, if it's a few gigs a month and she's got enough money to buy shoes, then I'd tell her the choice is to desist with the ultimata or sling her hook.

Hypothetically, of course.

Edited October 21, 2009 by skankdelvar

[JimBobTTD]

Thankfully my wife has her own hobbies, so she is fine with mine. Besides, giving an ultimatum is a tool to keep excitement from one episode of a cheesy soap opera to the next and has no place in real life.

[jazzyitalian]

[quote name='4 candles' post='631750' date='Oct 20 2009, 02:19 PM']Howdy, A hypathetical question.

If your wife(a non musician) gave you an ultimatum. Stop doing your gigs or we will have to part company.

what would your answer be?

bear in mind you live a very comfortable life with a good lookin girl(who you love dearly) who is also very pleasant and who has enough of her own money as not to drain your resources.

any (hypathetical) advice? Would love to hear it

also bear in mind "you weren't a musician when I met you" was the conversation starter
"but Ive just got better" was the reply[/quote]


You know what brother...This really depends upon the relationship you have. Is this a wife with or without children? A live in girlfriend or just a lass you're dating?

If my wife gave me that kind of ultimatum, she would have done so with full accepance of the fact that I would have given her an ultimatum on her pricy 4-day trips to Green Bay Wisconsin with her girlfriends to see her beloved Green Bay Packers football team. So there's no way on God's green earth that she would have thrown me an ultimatum like that. But that's our deal. We get to partake in our own activities without the other running interference. In my view that's how great marriages work. It's not only about the time you spend together. But the time you spend apart doing your own thing. Everyone gets to hang onto a bit of their own identity that way.

So my view is that if someone actually received such an ultimatum from their spouse without some valid attenuating circumstances attached to it, (i.e such as small children to care for or an ailing parent to watch over) then I would suggest there is possibly a deeper set of problems trancending your gigs. It could be jealosy or mistrust on a different level.

If it's just a girlfriend asking you to do this, then you might as well move on. There is nothing at stake here anyway. She's not going to change and when you marry her it's unlikly that she will ever be understanding. As a matter of fact, it'll probably get worse.

If on the otherhand it's your wife asking you to do this, then I would hope there to be a good reason behind the request. (ie. That gigging significantly compromised my ability to be a contributing parent)

If there isn't, then you tell her you're going to gig because that IS who you are; that IS who she married, and that she is more than welcome to join my wife on her next all ladies trip to Green Bay Wisconsin.

Edited October 21, 2009 by jazzyitalian

[peted]

I was playing bass when I met my missus so she knows what to expect. She's not a musician herself and we don't share the same taste in music, but I like that. I tend to find that she has a bit of a moan when the music thing starts to shift into a new gear e.g. I've taken a bit of a break since our first son was born just over a year ago, but now I'm going back to weekly rehearsals with one band and the odd rehearsal with another. She has obviously voiced her dissatisfaction, but that's only to be expected. She doesn't mean that she wants me to stop playing forever, just acknowledge the fact that if I spend more time with my bass then I'm going to have to make sure the time I spend with her increases in quality (i.e. spending more money on her! ).

She'll never actually say what she means - so "I don't like the fact that you're now out of the house every week with your band" actually interprets as "I don't like the fact that you don't take me out somewhere expensive every week".

Edited October 21, 2009 by peted

[The Funk]

[quote name='peted' post='632051' date='Oct 21 2009, 06:56 AM']She'll never actually say what she means[/quote]

They never do.

[yorick]

[quote name='jazzyitalian' post='632044' date='Oct 21 2009, 05:41 AM']You know what brother...This really depends upon the relationship you have. Is this a wife with or without children? A live in girlfriend or just a lass you're dating?

If my wife gave me that kind of ultimatum, she would have done so with full accepance of the fact that I would have given her an ultimatum on her pricy 4-day trips to Green Bay Wisconsin with her girlfriends to see her beloved Green Bay Packers football team. So there's no way on God's green earth that she would have thrown me an ultimatum like that. But that's our deal. We get to partake in our own activities without the other running interference. In my view that's how great marriages work. It's not only about the time you spend together. But the time you spend apart doing your own thing. Everyone gets to hang onto a bit of their own identity that way.

So my view is that if someone actually received such an ultimatum from their spouse without some valid attenuating circumstances attached to it, (i.e such as small children to care for or an ailing parent to watch over) then I would suggest there is possibly a deeper set of problems trancending your gigs. It could be jealosy or mistrust on a different level.

If it's just a girlfriend asking you to do this, then you might as well move on. There is nothing at stake here anyway. She's not going to change and when you marry her it's unlikly that she will ever be understanding. As a matter of fact, it'll probably get worse.





If on the otherhand it's your wife asking you to do this, then I would hope there to be a good reason behind the request. (ie. That gigging significantly compromised my ability to be a contributing parent)

If there isn't, then you tell her you're going to gig because that IS who you are; that IS who she married, and that she is more than welcome to join my wife on her next all ladies trip to Green Bay Wisconsin.[/quote]

You sir, speak very wisely.

Edited October 21, 2009 by yorick

[Raslee]

My wife is a mental health social worker and i am her full time client as a muso , she accepts that bass is mainly my world but compromise comes at jamming along with X-Factor (family time its called apparently)...but playing along at low volume levels of course...with the odd slap note and cheeky grin ....and telling her every bass purchase is a bargain, investment, medication etc etc

[Lfalex v1.1]

One ex tried to saw the headstock off of one of my basses.

In retrospect, it may have been an example of her work to support a job application at Status Graphite.

Got to say, she did do a nice boiled rabbit though. Very tasty.

[nobodysprefect]

To read your post in a bona fide way, I couldn't answer, because I've always been a musician. (Debuted in Szentendre at age 12! I wasn't getting any back then! Girls at 12 aren't all they're cracked up to be, would be much easier to get casual sex now. From women my age, that is.) In my circumstance, what I DID answer was: 'yes dear.' You know what I did then? You wanna know? Well iamma gonna tell you anyways.

I went on to drink like I was 22 again and tried to score with women like I was 22 again. (With comparable success. I've never, not once, scored with a woman from a bar. Usually because I'm always totally focken' pissd, other times because I'm sh*t at disguising my real interests when I've had a pint or three. I DID once invite a woman for late-night tea from this gig I was playing...) So I got back to gigging right quick.

Since 'your friend' is hypothetically getting an ultimatum from 'his wife' - do you have kids?

I complete disagreement with The Admiral's wife, there's PLENTY of fish in the sea. Research does NOT suggest a very limited number of possible partners. Research DOES suggest a vast number of possible partners with whom a working relationship can be had, but in reality, you only meet a limited number of people to with whom there'll be mutual attraction while the prevailing conditions are favourable.

[AndyTravis]

Yvonne wouldn't ask me to, but she's been pretty poorly recently and i have dropped practices and rehearsals to be with her and mind Ella from my arrival home to my departure for work.
Wife to be, in this case, wins hands down.
But, when she's back to normal, i'll have plenty to catch up on, as we've taken on a quartet, and she's well up for hearing it.
She met me at one of my gigs, so this is how it has been for 5 years.

[GreeneKing]

If I were to even ask myself that question I'd walk out of the relationship.

I'd rather be single than with someone and be miserable.

Err.. yes I am single and yes I did walk away

[GreeneKing]

[quote name='nobody's prefect' post='632064' date='Oct 21 2009, 07:47 AM']Research does NOT suggest a very limited number of possible partners. Research DOES suggest a vast number of possible partners with whom a working relationship can be had, but in reality, you only meet a limited number of people to with whom there'll be mutual attraction while the prevailing conditions are favourable.[/quote]

I like that Ville

[Adrenochrome]

[quote name='BurritoBass' post='631782' date='Oct 20 2009, 08:41 PM']I love my wife and part of that love is based on the fact we would never but such conditions like that on each other[/quote]

Bingo!
I give the missus a fair chunk of my gig money towards the housekeeping which does help. I also generally avoid buying kit I don't need; in the last year all I've bought is a couple of sets of strings and a new microphone.

[cetera]

No question... the wife goes!

My wife doesn't TELL me what to do and would never make such an ultimatum. I don't answer to her.... nor she to me. We both try to do what's right for ourselves and each other without creating resentment in either. She knows how important my music is to me and therefore it would be the most selfish thing she could do to make me choose.

Although, to be fair, it helps being married to a fellow musician

Edited October 21, 2009 by cetera

[nobodysprefect]

[quote name='GreeneKing' post='632158' date='Oct 21 2009, 12:22 PM']I like that Ville [/quote]

Thank you Peter! I aim to please. I'll be here all week, try the veal.

Seriously though: I envy those whose eye never ever wanders. The heart? It stays right where it is, cpt. Pecker, Simon is silenced.
But sometimes you work with someone or are in a bank with someone where there's certain chemistry and then it can be a real drain on your energy. Unless you've got an open relationship or something. Of course, in this case apparently the specific 'you' wouldn't feel that way at all! The thrill of the hunt...

Guess it varies, but for me knowing the psychomechanics at work is a great relief. There's nothing mystical crap like 'our love is fading/this is fate/whatever' going on, it's just your normal (as in healthy) psychological response. It doesn't need empowering with mysticism stemming from ignorance.

[farmer61]

Depends which wife

[thunderbird13]

Interesting one this as I casually asked Mrs Thunderbird about this last night what she thought I expected her to trot out the usual stuff about compromise and balancing individual time and together time .But instead she said it was pathetic that someone would risk a relationship just for the sake of a hobby. I didnt persue it further but I've a feeling that there is a timebomb ticking !

[cetera]

...tick....tick....tick....tick....tick....tick....

Edited October 21, 2009 by cetera

[nobodysprefect]

[quote name='thunderbird13' post='632264' date='Oct 21 2009, 02:05 PM']Interesting one this as I casually asked Mrs Thunderbird about this last night what she thought I expected her to trot out the usual stuff about compromise and balancing individual time and together time .But instead she said it was pathetic that someone would risk a relationship just for the sake of a hobby. I didnt persue it further but I've a feeling that there is a timebomb ticking ![/quote]

Well, yeah. I guess the whole thing revolves on the individual's worldview, doesn't it? If one views life as a series of phases, birth-childhood-youth-adulthood-marriage-kids-empty nest-retirement-grave than of course it makes no sense to risk a relationship, as it's required to get you to marriage and then kids. You'd never get to retirement and grave then!

If, on the contrary, one sees life as one precious shot we get at being who we are and become and a series of choices from today to the loss of our autonomy from loss of mental or physical faculties, it becomes far less clear that the identity 'I'm the husband of so-and-so, and husbands put the happiness of wives ahead of their own, therefore no bass' should prevail over 'I'm a bassist, therefore I bass.'

Of course, it could also be posited that a partner who doesn't think you should enjoy meaningful activities on your free time* may not be ideal for you if you enjoy playing and performing music.

*edit: free time of course being free time AFTER you've taken care of your mutually agreed obligations. Obviously, spending time with the kids and your partner is an obligation, and one you should ideally enjoy. For full-time musos, hobbies in their free time would probably not include rehearsing with a band.

Edited October 21, 2009 by nobody's prefect