Bass or the wife

[Steve_nottm]

I think the people who speak about balance are spot on. It depends to me what the "real" request here is. If it's to cut down on gigs, spend less time on bass and more on relationship then that might be reasonable. Some of us gig 3 or 4 times a week, some 3 or 4 per month, some 3 or 4 per year. I think anyone in the first two categories can legitimately accept that, from time to time, some compromise is needed.

That said, I do agree that if a partner actually expects you to fully give up what it is you love doing, then they are probably the wrong partner.

If I were ever in that position I think I'd have to have a long chat about what the real request was, and the reasons for it, and then come up with a compromise position. To make that request means there is an underlying issue which needs addressing, however, a blanket "give it all up" is unlikely to be a solution.

[Mikey R]

Interests do have a tendancy to diverge - thats just people for you. Either the relationship will change to accomodate them or it wont.

Edited October 21, 2009 by Mikey R

[Doddy]

I think all of this depends on the individual. There is a difference between the Professionals and the,for want of a
better word,'Hobbyists'.
If you work 9 to 5 everyday,and then rehearse a couple of times a week and gig at weekends,I can
understand why your partner would be unhappy.In that case,I think it's fair to offer some kind of compromise,
if the relationship means anything to you.
If,however,you are a professional then things are different. The request to cut down on playing is totally
unacceptable.
The thing is,being a pro musician is not just a job,it's a lifestyle. I always lay this down straight
away whenever I meet someone new. That way,you quickly find out if it is likely to cause any problems.

[Rockbassix]

From a girls view to even things up

I can never understand why people make someone choose between a relationship and something important to them and part of who they are!
I've seen loads of friends told give up friends,music,bikes or whatever because their partner wasn't happy.

My ex boyfriend was in a band i would never have asked him to give up i was usually the one encouraging him to find another band when his current band
had gone down to one gig every couple of months.

I had no objections to him buying more music gear than he needed because i done it as well so i understood perfectly the need for stuff you want but didn't really need

I didn't mind the female attention he got at gigs either i only ever went to occasional gigs but as far as i was concerned it was pretty funny to watch these women chucking themselves at the band then looking embarrassed when they seen us together afterwards. I had no problems trusting him he was more concerned with getting his gear away from drunks than pulling random women after a gig!

Perfect relationship shame we broke up over something stupid!

New boyfriend (not into music i knew that was a mistake) lasted 2 months before i got told "i'm not too keen on the band thing why do you have to be in a band with 4 guys?"
This was followed up a month later by it's them or me when he couldn't understand why we didn't want partners at our rehearsals!

Needless to say i chose the band they've been mates for ages and will probably be around a lot longer than he ever would!
I think i'll stick to dating musos in future much less hassle!

LOL there could be a call for a basschat singles section by the end of this thread just imagine the posts ..

Single female bassist looking for single male bassist send a pic of basses and amps:lol:

[hillbilly deluxe]

If your wife is a "non Musician" could you not buy her a drum kit ?

[Golchen]

If the wife said give up all instruments or she'd leave then I'd let her go. Playing music isn't like cross-stich or knitting - it's something that you can't just turn away from, it's in your blood.

[thumperbob 2002]

I was in bands years before I met my wife- in the years gone by it was my living so my wife understood, but when we had kids I had to stop as I would never have got to see them grow up- I was away so much.

Change of Career- 15 years later I`m doing OK with my own business but have started playing again in the last two years- aiming to do two per month- now doing 8. I dont need it financially and all the gigs are local. I find as long as there are not too many Saturday nights, although there is a bit of moaning my wife is great about it. Mind you I either take the family out with my band earnings or give it to my wife. I am not too bothered as I really do it for the enjoyment- I`m happy and the wife is too.

Bob

[thepurpleblob]

I've been with my wife for a lot longer than I've been a gigging musician. If it really came down to the wire my gear would be up for sale. Simple as that. I honestly can't imagine a situation where it would come to that, though. She actually likes coming to gigs... although working shifts (a train driver for goodness sake) she doesn't often make it.

[HeavyJay]

[quote name='jazzyitalian' post='632044' date='Oct 21 2009, 04:41 AM']You know what brother...This really depends upon the relationship you have. Is this a wife with or without children? A live in girlfriend or just a lass you're dating?

If my wife gave me that kind of ultimatum, she would have done so with full accepance of the fact that I would have given her an ultimatum on her pricy 4-day trips to Green Bay Wisconsin with her girlfriends to see her beloved Green Bay Packers football team. So there's no way on God's green earth that she would have thrown me an ultimatum like that. But that's our deal. We get to partake in our own activities without the other running interference. In my view that's how great marriages work. It's not only about the time you spend together. But the time you spend apart doing your own thing. Everyone gets to hang onto a bit of their own identity that way.

So my view is that if someone actually received such an ultimatum from their spouse without some valid attenuating circumstances attached to it, (i.e such as small children to care for or an ailing parent to watch over) then I would suggest there is possibly a deeper set of problems trancending your gigs. It could be jealosy or mistrust on a different level.

If it's just a girlfriend asking you to do this, then you might as well move on. There is nothing at stake here anyway. She's not going to change and when you marry her it's unlikly that she will ever be understanding. As a matter of fact, it'll probably get worse.

If on the otherhand it's your wife asking you to do this, then I would hope there to be a good reason behind the request. (ie. That gigging significantly compromised my ability to be a contributing parent)

If there isn't, then you tell her you're going to gig because that IS who you are; that IS who she married, and that she is more than welcome to join my wife on her next all ladies trip to Green Bay Wisconsin.[/quote]

Wise words and good use of the word "lass"!

[Sarah5string]

Bass. The wife should love you for who you are and not control you with ultimatums. Tell her to sling her hook! Control freak alert!

[bigjohn]

Soz she's your wife. I'd be outta there quicker than a cat on a hot tin roof.

And not because I'd choose playing bass over her. I'd choose eating my toenails over her if she told me to choose. Not that I do eat my toenails, but in that situation, I'd probably start.

Then again, I'm hardly a role model...

[arsenic]

Bass every time.

A bass doesn't moan at you to decorate the house
A bass doesn't mind whether the house is tidy or not
A bass doesn't mind what time you arrive home after a night out
and
A bass doesn't insist that you wash before you touch it

and if you get fed up with it you can sell it, and still retain the house, and all your money.

[clauster]

I'd given up bass a few years before I met the current Mrs Clauster. I thought I'd had enough of being in bands. I had a guitar to pick up when I had the urge and a number of friends to have a jam with over a beer or two.

Then, one day when we were out for lunch with friends, the soon-to-be-Mrs Clauster turns round and says, "Zillah manages a band and they're looking for a bassist and guitarist. You could do it!"

My reply involved a lot reasons for not doing it - the commitment to rehearse, play gigs to nearly empty venues, evenings spent hanging around for ages for just a 45 minute set, spend on kit and transport and rehearsal facilities and recording and more kit and strings etc etc.

Her response was, "Oh go on, it'll be cool if you're in a band". So itried out and got the gig. And am actually having more fun then I ever did in my teens and twenties.

Every so often I get the "Do you have to go to rehearsal?" and "why do you spend so much time with the band".

All I have to do is remind her that I pointed all this out before she talked me into doing it (smug)

[Guest]

I think if someone would genuinely choose bass over their wife, then they need to be seriously looking at their relationship!

[peted]

Bass.

If the ultimatum is put on the table then she obviously isn't concerned with my own happiness.

[flyfisher]

It's a daft question really. Any relationship that gets to such a stage is already over. Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons, usually because the inherent incompatibilities eventually surface. If it happens to a musician, it's easy to blame the music. I happen to know someone who really was given this sort of ultimatum - although it was over a full-sized steam traction engine - and the answer was always obvious. Still, he's happy with his steam engine.

[Mateybass]

[quote name='Davo-London' post='631863' date='Oct 20 2009, 09:01 PM']I cannot possibly express an opinion here because this is the internet and anyone can read this post. My wife is a forensic scientist and she can sniff an incorrect perfume from 10 yds. My life would be in danger if I was to answer.

Sorry
Davo[/quote]

Davo, you've dropped yourself right in it there mate if she finds this thread. By not answering in the positive towards choosing her, you have admitted, by woman's logic (female intuition I think they prefer to call it) that you would choose the bass.

[mcgraham]

I'd choose my wife, but I'd try for compromise... and this is assuming there are genuine reasons given for this. I could imagine 'I want us to spend more time together' or 'you spend too much money on gear' or 'you're obsessed it's not healthy' are common complaints of spouses with musicians, though I think there must be room for compromise unless it was an absolute ultimatum with no reasons given, in which case I think I'd put bass and music on hold til we sorted out our issues.

Fortunately, my wife loves the fact I'm a bassist and musician

Mark

[NickH]

[quote]LOL there could be a call for a basschat singles section by the end of this thread just imagine the posts ..[/quote]

Fantastic idea!

Male 32 y.o. seeks female in Southampton area. I'm average looking, good fitness, apart from bass enjoy movies, exercise, socialising, videogaming, cooking and martial arts. Applicants for Role of Nick's New Girlfriend must read all of the above topic and inscribe it on their minds with a permanence normally reserved for Decrees from On High to Prophets on Mountains.
(Also must be hawt).



My ex met me when I was making a go of the originals band and found the allure of the musician completely irresistable. A year later and the resentment crept in about all the time required to write, rehearse, record etc etc. Oddly enough she still loved coming to gigs and spending my cash at the bar. She genuinely loved the music but somewhere it just didn't click that without all the graft we'd have been sh!te.

In the end the relationship outlived the band for various reasons, and then the relationship ended for reasons nothing to do with music at all. C'est la vie.

[The Burpster]

[quote name='4 candles' post='631750' date='Oct 20 2009, 07:19 PM']Howdy, A hypathetical question.

If your wife(a non musician) gave you an ultimatum. Stop doing your gigs or we will have to part company.

what would your answer be?

bear in mind you live a very comfortable life with a good lookin girl(who you love dearly) who is also very pleasant and who has enough of her own money as not to drain your resources.

any (hypathetical) advice? Would love to hear it

also bear in mind "you weren't a musician when I met you" was the conversation starter
"but Ive just got better" was the reply[/quote]


This would be a very simple choice for me.... Which one do I love the most...?

and I mean by love I mean devoted too for the rest of my life....

Clearly I'm very lucky as my partner never says anything like that - (maybe because she knows what the answer would be.....)

[Marvin]

Wouldn't let it get that far to start with. Lucky to both know what the balance is.

[AndyTravis]

if i sort this gibson les paul bass, i think my other half will chop my cock off when she finds out...so, cock or bass...?

[Rich]

[quote name='thedontcarebear' post='725517' date='Jan 26 2010, 06:00 PM']I think if someone would genuinely choose bass over their wife, then they need to be seriously looking at their relationship![/quote]
I think if someone is given an unreasonable ultimatum, then they need to be seriously looking at their relationship too.

[jamieariss]

[quote name='Doddy' post='632453' date='Oct 21 2009, 02:23 PM']I think all of this depends on the individual. There is a difference between the Professionals and the,for want of a
better word,'Hobbyists'.
If you work 9 to 5 everyday,and then rehearse a couple of times a week and gig at weekends,I can
understand why your partner would be unhappy.In that case,I think it's fair to offer some kind of compromise,
if the relationship means anything to you.
If,however,you are a professional then things are different. The request to cut down on playing is totally
unacceptable.
The thing is,being a pro musician is not just a job,it's a lifestyle. I always lay this down straight
away whenever I meet someone new. That way,you quickly find out if it is likely to cause any problems.[/quote]

this quote is veery true

not that i have any experience in marrage but by the looks of things im still sticking to not gettin married haha

[4-string-thing]

[quote name='arsenic' post='725456' date='Jan 26 2010, 05:15 PM']Bass every time.

A bass doesn't moan at you to decorate the house
A bass doesn't mind whether the house is tidy or not
A bass doesn't mind what time you arrive home after a night out
and
A bass doesn't insist that you wash before you touch it[/quote]

And a bass won't complain when you play with another bass!