Haynes manual to take on the bass

[Cat Burrito]

We've had the Les Paul, we've had the Strat, we've had the tele (& we had the Austen Maxi!?), now finally the bass manual is coming

[url="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fender-Bass-Manual-Maintain-Guitar/dp/1844258173/ref=cm_lmf_tit_15_rdssss0"]http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fender-Bass-Manual..._tit_15_rdssss0[/url]

[Marvin]

It runs to 176 pages! Although as it's Haynes the majority of them will be index or blank.

[Happy Jack]

Will it tell you how to make the Tone knob actually [i][b]do [/b][/i]something?

[4-string-thing]

[quote name='Johnston' post='851332' date='May 29 2010, 06:40 PM']HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual (or Clymer or Chilton equivalents) in attempting home maintenance of a car or motorbike. For those who havn't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.

For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?

The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!


THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
All makes and models post-2000

For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:

Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of cash.

Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).



HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, motorcycle jackets, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.[/quote]

Ha Ha, as someone who has built 3 kit-cars with the aid of various Haynes manuals over the years, I know exactly where you are coming from!

[thepurpleblob]

It's a long time since I owned anything they actually make a Haynes manual for. I service my old (Haynes free) Merc myself - I just guess and/or use the Interweb. Both are likely to end in disaster!!

[Lfalex v1.1]

All I can say is;

[b]"Re-fitting is the reverse procedure to removal..."[/b]

Yeah, right.

(Visualizes people de-fretting their necks, sanding their 'boards down and refretting them to adjust the action...)

[AndyTravis]

Ordered! Don't know why. Just need it.

Trav

[Jean-Luc Pickguard]

I'd have thought everything you NEED to know about a precision/jazz bass could be said on about four pages plus a few pics.

[Mr. Foxen]

Owning this will make me feel slightly more like my dad.

[peted]

[quote name='Johnston' post='851332' date='May 29 2010, 06:40 PM']HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS
...[/quote]
You owe me a new keyboard! Funniest thing I've read in ages.

[SJA]

having used haynes car manuals, I fully expect the one on bass to feature such enlightening instructions as "now play teentown" and "use billy sheehan solo"

[allighatt0r]

Looks like it's no longer preorder! ready for dispatch in 9 to 10 days apparently.

[hubrad]

The Little Book Of Lies comes of age!
Is it my imagination, or do the modern ones contain significantly less information than 'the old days'?

[hillbilly deluxe]

That'll mean it will be available at car boot sales in two weeks time then.

[hubrad]

Nice one Johnston, will have a look for those.
Great post by the way!

[ahpook]

i always remember that one of the things that marked you a time-served directory enquiries operators was of you knew where the major companies were based, to speed up how quickly you found the number.

some part of my brain goes...

haynes ? sparkford, yeovil.

Edited June 16, 2010 by ahpook

[retroman]

Haynes manual for a Fender bass? That should be a pretty quick read then!

I have stacks of old Haynes manuals, I pretty much use them as reference only........In their manual for the Mk2 Escort, all the wiring loom diagrams are labelled wrong

Far prefer working from genuine manufacturers manuals, the chapters on automatic gearboxes are a good read, and normally take up half the manual! Still trying to sum up the courage to strip, and rebuild the 3 speed Borg Warner automatic gearbox on my old Rover though

I've seen the translations of a Haynes manual before. Never fails to make me howl with laughter

[mep]

[quote name='4-string-thing' post='851394' date='May 29 2010, 07:51 PM']Ha Ha, as someone who has built 3 kit-cars with the aid of various Haynes manuals over the years, I know exactly where you are coming from![/quote]


[quote name='Lfalex v1.1' post='851467' date='May 29 2010, 09:27 PM']All I can say is;

[b]"Re-fitting is the reverse procedure to removal..."[/b]

Yeah, right.[/quote]

The funniest thing I've read for a while!

I've still to do the 'Re-fitting is the reverse procedure to removal' for my Suzuki bike engine - wish me luck!

[leftybassman392]

I've promised myself I wouldn't post anything of consequence any more in the local forum, but reading this thread has annoyed me intensely.

I've known Paul Balmer for a number of years as a professional colleague at Northants Music Service. I know at first hand how much trouble he goes to in producing these books - I wonder, for example, how many people are aware that he met Les Paul in person during the production of his book on the guitar that's named after him, or that he personally dissassembles and reassembles a surprisingly large number of individual instruments of different vintages before committing anything to print.

I haven't seen the Bass book, but I'd be frankly astonished if his approach to this project were any different.

Like everyone who knows him around these parts I hold his scholarship in regard, and I'd be prepared to bet that he knows more about his subject than 99.9% of the members of this forum.

Oh, and did I also mention his skill as a player? The difference being that he can do it on pretty much anything with strings and frets (or not...).

Everybody's entitled to their own opinion of course (and critics will no doubt point out that I probably have a vested interest in defending Paul), but I can't help thinking that the opinions expressed in some of the preceding posts would come over a little more convincing if they were based on having actually used (or at least read) the book concerned, rather than simply lumping it with the car manuals.

[Kongo]

Oh hell yes! I'm buying one of these just because!
Haynes Manuals...remind me of my childhood. Used to read my grandad's Reliant Robin / Kitten Haynes just for the "funny pictures" of gearbox's etc, imagining the real object in my mind...for some reason when I put hands on a Haynes now I just get that warm memory of my Grandad...and one that has Fender basses in it...well...it's a dream come true!
My fav Haynes right there...file it next to Morris / Austin Mini!

Edited June 17, 2010 by Kongo

[Fat Rich]

Based on Johnston's original post and later link...


HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS - Edited for the following manual:





Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a ******** is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.

Edited June 17, 2010 by Fat Rich

[gjones]

Hmmmmm.....very handy. I just bought it. I'll review it when I've read it.

Basses are not mark 2 escorts.

[Pentode]

Everything in here is FAR too difficult for me to attempt....

[robocorpse]

[quote name='leftybassman392' post='869469' date='Jun 16 2010, 09:33 PM']I've promised myself I wouldn't post anything of consequence any more in the local forum, but reading this thread has annoyed me intensely.
Everybody's entitled to their own opinion of course (and critics will no doubt point out that I probably have a vested interest in defending Paul), but I can't help thinking that the opinions expressed in some of the preceding posts would come over a little more convincing if they were based on having actually used (or at least read) the book concerned, rather than simply lumping it with the car manuals.[/quote]

All the comments and banter this book/thread has created is more likely to get people to BUY this book. Stop being so precious!

[sprocketflup]

[quote name='leftybassman392' post='869469' date='Jun 16 2010, 09:33 PM']I've promised myself I wouldn't post anything of consequence any more in the local forum, but reading this thread has annoyed me intensely.

I've known Paul Balmer for a number of years as a professional colleague at Northants Music Service. I know at first hand how much trouble he goes to in producing these books - I wonder, for example, how many people are aware that he met Les Paul in person during the production of his book on the guitar that's named after him, or that he personally dissassembles and reassembles a surprisingly large number of individual instruments of different vintages before committing anything to print.

I haven't seen the Bass book, but I'd be frankly astonished if his approach to this project were any different.

Like everyone who knows him around these parts I hold his scholarship in regard, and I'd be prepared to bet that he knows more about his subject than 99.9% of the members of this forum.

Oh, and did I also mention his skill as a player? The difference being that he can do it on pretty much anything with strings and frets (or not...).

Everybody's entitled to their own opinion of course (and critics will no doubt point out that I probably have a vested interest in defending Paul), but I can't help thinking that the opinions expressed in some of the preceding posts would come over a little more convincing if they were based on having actually used (or at least read) the book concerned, rather than simply lumping it with the car manuals.[/quote]


Chill out fella, its called 'having a larf' I doubt anyones comments were totally serious....... almost